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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2012 One Week Challenge  ›  Jericho - 10/12 OWC
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  Author    Jericho - 10/12 OWC  (currently 4069 views)
Don
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 7:12pm Report to Moderator
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Jericho by Anonymous Karen - Short - A priest and a harlot take refuge in a desolate motel. - pdf, format


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CoopBazinga
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 8:08pm Report to Moderator
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Well, I expected a few these.

The dialogue is very heavy and that’s understandable with this challenge but I think you’ve overdone it. Just way too much exposition thrown at the reader here, I followed it okay but it sure as hell slowed the read which normally isn’t the case when reading such a script.

I think you stuck to most of the parameters, motel, hurricane, supernatural past and what not. I would question the opening “establishing” shot which should probably go to keep it low budget, it’s probably expensive to flood a parking lot but I do understand why you showed this.

What you did do well here.

You knew the subject matter (Rahab, prostitute etc) and used it to push the story forward with the hurricane being conjured up for cleansing the city of its sinners. Not a bad effort but it’s a shame it was all lost in a sea of dialogue which needs to be trimmed to make this piece more reader friendly.

The writing was a tad rushed it seemed, a few typos spread about (cofee) and lots of awkward sentences which hurt the read. Get rid of those “continued” on the pages – unnecessary.

And this line stuck out to me rather odd – “Coffee SIZZLES” Does coffee sizzle like acid upon hitting someone’s skin? And Ababuo drank that “hot” coffee with tremendous speed which was made from an “electric coffee pot” I got the impression with the “boarded up windows” that this motel was abandoned but it has electricity and coffee pots?

Little things like this did make me stop and think but maybe I’m being picky… it was a tough challenge.

Not a bad effort but it needs a good clean up for clarity sake.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Steve
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Felipe
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 8:24pm Report to Moderator
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I have to agree with Coop here. A lot of the dialogue really slows this down. I actually did like the connection to Katrina. I'm usually a big fan of putting fiction within real history.

What doesn't work for me is the story between Joshua and Ababue. It just doesn't seem plausible to me. The whole traveling from Africa to destroy New Orleans business seemed forced.

The ending also felt a bit like Batman Begins too with the whole "I don't have to save you" talk.

Overall I think I liked the premise behind it but think the overall story behind the characters could use an upgrade.

This isn't bad by any means, though! Great job completing the challenge!


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greg
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 9:36pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this was pretty good.  A little talkative at times that didn't seem to move the story along but for the most part the material was presented well.  

Good imagery, too, most notably Ababuo's scars.  Character-wise it started pretty traditional and then did a complete 180 and I think it worked.  Ababuo was pathetic, creepy, and heroic all at the same time.  

Overall I liked it.

Nice job.

Greg


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Mr. Blonde
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 9:49pm Report to Moderator
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This story should have worked better than it did. I'll be honest when I say that I have no idea how you'd improve it, story-wise, because you painted yourself into a very dark corner.

The dialogue kept going and going. Not the worst thing in the world, but there are very easy ways to trim it all down.

I did enjoy the ending with the seven horns and the "twist", although I don't think it was a true twist but it just never was able to gain any momentum.

C.


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 10:19pm Report to Moderator
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Wow, as I keep saying...the quality of this new batch is shocking compared to the earlier scripts.

I'm very impressed with this overall.  Lots of attention to detail, research, some good writing overall, and some great dialogue, all wraped up in a very strong story that's well set up adn well executed.

As others have said, it is very dialogue heavy adn very expositional in delivery.  Also, lots of what i call "speeches" from a single character which never plays well on film.

But much of the dialogue is the stuff that most writers will neve be able to write in their life, let alone in a week or maybe even a few days.

Some mistakes and awkward lines, but I almost wonder if some of these were intentional to throw off their identity.  Hmmm...

I don't think this will transfer to film nearly as well as it looks on the page, but again, heads and shoulders above the dreck from earlier.

Very impressive effort here!
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Gage
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 10:47pm Report to Moderator
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Hmm, I like the story behind this one, but there feels like too much to be a short.  So much had to be covered in exposition-dialogue that I wondered why we weren't seeing what the harlot was explaining to us.  I'd see this as a good short film, possibly thirty to forty-five minutes, but in only twelve pages, it felt a little busy.


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danbotha
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 11:25pm Report to Moderator
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I like this one. You've reached all the challenge requirements perfectly and even got a little creative with it. Your two characters are very interesting.

As far as improving it, I'd suggest having a look at that dialogue as some of it does come across as a little awkward. I originally thought that this one was set during medieval times, based on the dialogue. Nope, it's just weirdly written. Not sure if that was your intention.

A good short, which suited the challenge requirements well.

Well Done

Dan


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Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 12:13am Report to Moderator
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Pg 1:  
“Its curtains...”  Should be “it's”
Your opening scene already takes on too many SFX.  Already pushing the rules.  Let's see what happens.

Pg 2:
Where did Joshua enter the room from?  Outside?  The bathroom?  Specify.

Pg 4:
Joshua continued speaking, should have had (CONT'D)

Pg 5:
“glass shatter.”  Should be “shatters”
“completely unconscious.”  Unconscious assumes completely.
“He’s surrouded by darkness.”  Think you meant surrounded.

Pg 6:
“But we won’t go into specifics.”  You have a lot of specifics already.  I want to know now.

Pg 8:
“I am not here for revenge. That would be unchristian like.”  Wait, didn't she use and like magic?  And is looking for a witchdoctor?  That is unchristian.  She might as well take revenge!

I guess I should first say good job completing a script for this challenge.  Simply written, with some mistakes – shown in my notes.  Nothing fancy about the descriptions, and would have liked more vivid writing.  This is the OWC, so I guess I can't fault you too much there.  The dialogue was pretty good.  It was somewhat heavy on exposition, but probably was necessary in this case.  The story, well, let's just say it didn't work for me.  Applying the story of Jericho to the flood of New Orleans didn't work for me.  Also, I didn't agree with how you handled the religious parts (sorry, won't go into detail on that).  Thanks for the read though.


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stevie
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 12:43am Report to Moderator
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I don't mind reading exposition in dialogue, even in large blocks, but this case it was a bit of a chore.
I think it was how it was presented didn't draw me in.

Agree with Jeff on the meticulous background and research but I feel the overall story didn't shine through as it could've.

Cheers stevie



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Ryan1
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There was plenty to like in this.  I thought the metaphor of New Orleans as a modern day Jericho was cleverly done.  Memorable, vivid characters.  Had to google Rahab and it was a perfect name for the motel.

However, the pacing felt a little off to me.  I think Ababuo turned the tables too soon.  She incapacitates Joshua on page five, so he spends most of the script just talking from his chair, with both characters delivering vast amounts of expo.  It got to be a bit much.

And like cinemachado said, the final line felt borrowed from Batman.

But, I can tell a good amount of time and effort went into this, so well done.
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LC
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Yep, it's a bit talky and I wonder if it contains enough of a story i.e. visuals when translated to screen. Hmm, maybe.

Lots of long dialogue passages but it held my interest, regardless of some stilted passages - you should use contractions for words as people do in everyday conversation, (I get you might be going for character-speech here) but watch words like 'no where' for nowhere, for example, makes for a more fluid read.

And your last line 'I wouldn't kill you' but 'I won't save you either' I think would read far better as 'I won't kill you' present tense. Hey, I'm being picky.

A pretty good effort imh.


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mmmarnie
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A little writing tip...try not to start your action lines with the character's name.  So and so does this....so and so does that.  Once in a while fine but too much becomes monotonous.

The story itself is intersting but the fact that it's told mainly through dialog just came across like a  history lesson at times.  

Good job though...this was a difficult OWC.


boop
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crookedowl
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 12:59pm Report to Moderator
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FADE IN goes to the left.

Don't use "ESTABLISHING" in your slugs.

Your writing is good, very solid.

Some of the dialogue needs work. Doesn't sound very natural, IMO.

Still, this was really good. One of my favorites so far.

Great job completing the OWC.
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grademan
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 2:09pm Report to Moderator
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MOTEL: Yes
MICRO BUDGET: Yes. Put an eye patch on her.
HURRICANE: Katrina key to story.
CHARACTERS: Say what you will about the dialogue but these two characters had a “real” quality to their oddness.
SUPERNATURAL: Yes - witch doctor
DECISION: To kill Joshua or not

Good read. Here’s some things to think on:

The turns in this were a bit unsubstantiated. For example when she reveals she’s the daughter she should have some token to prove it’s her. Also, when he reveals the guy she’s looking for is in the tub it could be a little sound or something to say there’s someone in there.  

Unsubstantiated also applies to both character’s surprise alter egos. When people reveal themselves like that I get bummed because you could do that in any show. I prefer to see a glimmer or a place where I can say ‘Okay, I can see that had double meaning, I got it.’




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alffy
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 2:34pm Report to Moderator
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The walls of Jericho fell down, hence the term 'Jerry built' for something badly constructed.

I think this could with a bit of a re-write but I guess you might have pushed with time restrictions.  There was a lot of dialogue and perhaps too much.  I don't mine a dialogue driven script but sometimes this came across as waffle and I'll hold my hands up and say I hate the whole 'don't you remember me' thing.

I did like the Jericho storyline and how the storm was hitting New Orleans.  I think you put a lot of thought an effort in to this.  Not a bad effort at all.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 7:08am Report to Moderator
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As it started I thought i wasn't going to like this but, as soon as the the woman smashed the coffee cup and the back story started to appear it pulled me in.

On balance too much and too heavy on the dialogue, but many will be that way.

I felt the story was in essence a deeply personal revenge story, a woman tacking down the man who ruined her life/face, with a touch of kidnap thrown in, so it was then a bit off putting to see this tied into magic creating the storm, almost de personalised it for me.

Nice effort.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
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DV44
Posted: October 23rd, 2012, 6:16pm Report to Moderator
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Very nice. A little lengthy in the dialogue at times but it still met all of the challenges. Job well done and congrats on the OWC.
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irish eyes
Posted: October 23rd, 2012, 6:31pm Report to Moderator
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Another well written script....It had me intrigued until the end and I liked how you left the priest to drown and suffer instead of the knife..

The story was very good... A few spelling mistakes but I enjoyed it.

Mark


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khamanna
Posted: October 24th, 2012, 12:59pm Report to Moderator
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I really liked it, a very colourful read. Plenty of cultural info - very nice, and I think it must be from someone who is native to that culture.

Lots of twists to keepme interested - first she's he girl from her story, then inuagua is dead in a bathtub, then we do a full round nd come back o Jericho - which I think is wonderful turn.

There weresome visuals to help the sory as well. As for the production - few inches of water in the house... Dont know about that...

"nowhere" is one word probably but better check.

Very nice!
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DanBall
Posted: October 24th, 2012, 2:32pm Report to Moderator
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As for the dialogue, there was a lot, but at least the story came across clearly. I was a little confused at the beginning. First, the accents. Joshua had one, but Ababuo never officially had one. While her name's all over the script, it's actually much later that a character says her name. Another point of confusion was the location. With Joshua's accent and Ababuo's name, I thought this was taking place in South Africa or something, but then Joshua mentions the Americas.

The Katrina tie-in is good. Kind of felt like a Twilight Zone twist. However, I'm not sure how an inyanga would go along with doing black magic against his will. If that were me, I would perform an obscure black magic spell that saw Joshua was visited by some sort of disease before we left Africa. Or performed white magic to change his heart. I don't know. Doesn't hold much water.

Despite these problems, it was good. I got the 'sound' of the dialogue. Thought it was original, even on the nose. I don't think it's the greatest script I've ever read--far from it--but it's too entertaining not to watch. If Twilight Zone were still going, this would be PERFECT with a little work.


"I remember a time of chaos. Ruined dreams. This wasted land. But most of all, I remember The Road Warrior. The man we called 'Max'."

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jwent6688
Posted: October 24th, 2012, 3:54pm Report to Moderator
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Pretty good. I liked the use of New Orleans and the levee break. It was a talky script, but these almost all are this challenge.

Can't say I was a fan of the "lightbulb" going off in Ababuo's head. Those moments where characters miraculously figure out the plot on their own never do it for me.

But, you hit the parameters. Good solid super natural back story here, A clear choice was made and it was micro budget. Overall, one of the better entries.

Good job completing the OWC.

James


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mcornetto
Posted: October 26th, 2012, 3:25am Report to Moderator
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I think this script stayed within the guidelines of the challenge.  And whilst it was a bit heavy in the dialogue department - that can always be edited.   It was written quite well, surprisingly well for a week.   I really liked this one.

Great job on your OWC script.
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Eoin
Posted: October 26th, 2012, 5:08am Report to Moderator
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I like the opening here, I almost felt cold and wet just reading it.

The use of certain words give this a unique tone and date it in a manner that sets it apart from the others. Words like, 'siding', 'hymnal' (had to look up hymnal) and even 'harlot'.

Format quibbles: You can turn off CONTINUED in your software, most people know how to scroll, click or flip a page.

A few typos such as - Page 2: 'You cannot stay here. For you are a harlet' - should be 'harlot', and cofee - 'coffee', . . . like the drink only, not spelled the same.

I find it odd that a man sworn to God doesn't have enough compassion to allow ABABUO to enter. Besides, there is hardly a tattoo on her forehead saying she is a prostitute.

Need some clarity here - Page 7: 'Joshua’s grow as wide as dinner plates.' eyes, I assume.

The sudden change of direction, Ababuo revealing herself as his daughter, is your story idea. It's execution however needs more. There should be some tension beforehand. The dialouge about Jericho, didn't serve that. There was no subtext in any of the exchanges that hinted at anything deeper.

Suspense always trumps surprise.

Page 10: A lightbulb goes off in Ababuo’s head. - might ramp the micro budget up.

So the Jericho story was to explain what Joshua was using the black magic for and why? Not really necessary in my opinion. One or two carefully chosen line(s) would suffice for that.

I liked Joshua's character. His evil was a twisted delusion that he was carrying out God's will, when it reality it was a justification of his own action through religious means.

Ababuo was innocent party here and the really spiritually good person. Both had shades of grey. Her evils were forced upon her, born out of circumstance. Her line at the end was too Batman Begins.

The ending was a bit flat for me. With a bit of work this could be an interesting read.
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RayW
Posted: October 26th, 2012, 1:55pm Report to Moderator
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Jericho by - A priest and a harlot take refuge in a desolate motel.
Brief - A pagan woman captures a Christian man to secure the return of her religious leader.

Locations & Sets  -  Exterior, motel @ night. Interior, motel room @ night. Interior, motel bathroom.
Actors  - JOSHUA (50’s), ABABUO (1, INYANGA (50)
Costumes  - clergy outfit, thick glasses, prostitute’s outfit
Props  -  motel sign for destruction, Gideon Bible, plastic bags, heavy face scarring prosthetic, white eye contacts, blankets, coffee mug x2, electric coffee maker + pot, rope bindings, chair, flashlight, rusty knife, replacement bathroom door, neck gash prosthetic, gallons of liquid stage blood
Audio FX  - hurricane winds, Hymnal music, door knocks, rain patter, door bang, flies buzzing, thunder boom, siren blasts
Visual FX  - motel destruction bits, shattered coffee pot effect, flies buzzing
Other  -  nighttime heavy rain effect, shop fan, make up artist, set aside for wall damage during door kick, bathroom clean up, several inches of water pouring into doorway
Genre & Marketability - thriller suspense drama
Comments  -  I’d eliminate that expensive sign destruction element. Peeks, not peaks. Turn off your screenwriting program’s mores and continueds feature. That final shot of water pouring into the motel room is going to cause a lot of damage. Water in large quantities is a giant PITA to work with. Would probably delete that image entirely to be replaced with a verbal “the flood waters are coming” sort of workaround. Good use of essentially a single location. Script format: fine. Final word: missable story is not interesting enough to justify production expense.

$1,000 - $3,000  Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/ 11 Screenplay Pages
= $91 - $273  Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Odd but interesting character(s) - Ababuo is, Joshua and Inyanga are not
take refuge from a hurricane - yep
in a beat-up motel - yep
and are forced to make a choice - not really, they choose to make a choice
between good or evil - nope
in order to survive the night. - nope
Each character must -
have some history involving a supernatural event in their lives - yep
that factors into their choice. - yep
Genre is open. - thriller suspense drama
This is a micro-budget short, - yep
so no destruction of the motel, - if that room flooding part can be skipped then yep
no children or animals - yep
and minimal special effects. - yep
BONUS! Story also included:
mime(s) - nope
dinosaur(s) - nope

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WBdeA3ZfngPz7NfJg_5DSBUFsZXkicfyNQHRc8Bg2SQ/edit



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nawazm11
Posted: October 27th, 2012, 4:21am Report to Moderator
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Too much dialogue that's filled with even more exposition. It feels like you're "telling" me a story which is fine in script form but when produced, you'll die of boredom.

You should really cut some of the dialogue out and make it flow more naturally, I just kept rolling my eyes each time somebody revealed something. I'd blame the guidelines but I dunno, it just feels like your intend was for the story to be told this way.

Make it visual and flow better and you could have something. As it sits now, it doesn't work for me.

My grade: D+ but take that lightly.
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DaveTroop
Posted: October 28th, 2012, 6:58pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats for finishing the OWC!

Like some other reviewers, I thought the dialogue went on and on.  
It felt like I was tied to the chair and I couldn't get away.

You did however accomplish a lot in a week or less.  

I believe once you are free of the contest constraints and open the script up to include flashbacks, etc., your script will read much easier.  

Good effort.
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RJ
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I didn't get into this at the start, but as it went on I felt it flowed better. Liked the meaning behind her vision and it changing to being cloudy. Also liked the ending on this more than most.

Good job.
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dogglebe
Posted: October 28th, 2012, 8:49pm Report to Moderator
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Using New Orleans as a modern day Jericho was an interesting idea, though the comparison seemed too literal for me.  I think any other natural disaster would've worked better as the reader gets beaned in the head with this revelating point.

The dialog, IMHO, needs a lot of work.  People don't give every bit of information in everything  they say when they talk casually.  Example:


Quoted Text
    ABABUO
Would you like a refill?

    JOSHUA
No thank you. If I have any more I
won’t be able to fall asleep.


Just saying, 'no thank you,' would've been more natural.

If you cut the dialog down, and made it more natural, this script would be about half the length it is now.

I thought it was funny how Joshua justified the killing of children.  Doesn't it say somewhere in the Bible that people shouldn't be punished for the sins of the parents (or aomething like)?  I don't want to start a religious argument, but this just doesn't sound right.

Hope this helps.


Phil

Revision History (1 edits)
dogglebe  -  March 7th, 2014, 5:26pm
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khamanna
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Very rich story, Will! Didn't know it was yours - I loved it.
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albinopenguin
Posted: November 1st, 2012, 2:05pm Report to Moderator
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Hey everyone!

Just wanted to say thank you SO much for taking the time to read this. As mentioned in another post, I'm going to try and keep my eyes out for rewrites.

As far as this script is concerned, I couldn't agree more with 99% of your comments. I'm SO happy that I can use flashbacks again haha It took me about 3 hours to come up with the story and then another 2 to write it. Was super pressed for time and I didn't have a chance to edit it. So I'm pretty happy with myself given the small amount of time that I did have. Seriously, f uck work. And I don't even have a kid so I really can't complain/make excuses haha

As far as the story is concerned, this is (unfortunately) based on true events. There have been reports of pastors accusing kids of "witch craft" in Nigeria in order to make money. The families then hand their children over to the elders of the church. These elders proceed to beat, torture, and even kill the children. The consumption of acid and even cement are involved. feel free to read about it here:

http://www.cnn.com/2010/WORLD/africa/08/25/nigeria.child.witches/index.html

it's absolutely insane and just heart breaking overall.

regardless, it's just an element to the overall story. i think this one will have a much larger impact on those who don't know that there's a hurricane outside going into the story. and some major edits need to be made. but all in time.

so thank you, thank you, thank you! I'm sure i'll be on the boards more often now that my first feature lenght is finished.


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Dreamscale
Posted: November 1st, 2012, 2:32pm Report to Moderator
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You did good here, Will.  And, with only 5 hours or so?  Damn good.  I expected a ton of research was involved.

It was a bit talky, but it was a strong story and characters.  Easily in my top 6 or so.

Good work!
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