SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 29th, 2024, 5:24am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2012 One Week Challenge  ›  The Tool of Morality - 10/12 OWC
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: « 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    The Tool of Morality - 10/12 OWC  (currently 7048 views)
irish eyes
Posted: October 25th, 2012, 6:46pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group


There`s too much blood in my alcohol

Location
Upstate New York
Posts
1865
Posts Per Day
0.37
Wow, this was weird..

The dialogue was very montonous... Skip to the loo, was getting very tiring... as was all the gore...

It's just not my thing, but you can't please everybody.

You completed an OWC so good job on that

Mark


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 30 - 62
RayW
Posted: October 26th, 2012, 1:54pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Freedom

Location
About a thousand years from now.
Posts
1821
Posts Per Day
0.36
The Tool of Morality by - An strange couple takes refuge one night from a hurricane in a run down motel where decisions about morality create a constant flow of choices between good or evil and the survival of humanity.
Brief - A psychopath defines a decision point while a sociopath saws off the heads of women.

Locations & Sets  -  Interior, motel room @ night
Actors  -  REGINA, 30s, JUGGALO JOE, 20s, bound female one, two, and three, bound male
Costumes  - Joe’s jeans + boots to be ruined, bound man’s shirt, bound women’s outfits
Props  -  dim bulb, dinosaur mask, large caliber pistol, black & white face paint, merkin, liquid stage blood, replacement sheets + pillow cases + bed spread, bindings + gags x4, small bow saw, sawn neck prosthetic x2, saw blade through neck prosthetic, decapitated head x2, neck stump on shoulders, hole in man’s back, bleeding head wound prosthetic
Audio FX  - hurricane winds, police + fire truck sirens, pistol shot
Visual FX  -  green screen removal of woman’s head, pistol flash + smoke x3
Other  -  rain & wind on exterior of window, makeup artist, thick mil plastic to protect the carpet, replacement carpet, blue + red strobe lights, oozing/bleeding apparatus
Genre & Marketability - Horror thriller
Comments  - Lot of practical prosthetics required. Replacement carpet installation and removal will be expensive, as well. Shoot lurid scenes from side and just off camera to save rating hassles. Regina’s rambling goes on a bit and she isn’t forced to make a decision. She just chooses to make one. Story relies too much on graphic elements. Good use of a single location. Script format: fine. Final word: missable story is not interesting enough to justify production expense.

$2,000 - $3,000  Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/ 8.2 Screenplay Pages
= $244 - $366  Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Odd but interesting character(s) - Juggalo Joe - yes, Regina - no
take refuge from a hurricane - not really
in a beat-up motel - yep
and are forced to make a choice - not really
between good or evil - yep
in order to survive the night. - not really
Each character must -
have some history involving a supernatural event in their lives - Joe does
that factors into their choice. - Regina’s choice, but not Joe’s
Genre is open. - Horror thriller
This is a micro-budget short, - yep
so no destruction of the motel, - yep
no children or animals - yep
and minimal special effects. - yep
BONUS! Story also included:
mime(s) - Does Juggalo Joe’s make up count? I think it should
dinosaur(s) - yep, Regina’s mask

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WBdeA3ZfngPz7NfJg_5DSBUFsZXkicfyNQHRc8Bg2SQ/edit



Logged
Private Message Reply: 31 - 62
RJ
Posted: October 26th, 2012, 6:12pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Australia
Posts
275
Posts Per Day
0.06
This...is...strange.

I wanted to see where this went and I'm usually into horror, etc, but when Joe started the second decapitation - ew, more than I can handle picturing, sorry. The gore was not for me in this one.

While I didn't like what was going on, the dialogue was interesting. I could understand the message there and I liked Regina.

Good effort.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 32 - 62
Felipe
Posted: October 26th, 2012, 6:37pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Los Angeles, CA
Posts
437
Posts Per Day
0.10
More like the Tool of Depravity... Am I right guys? =D

I'm kidding.

I really don't mind the sex and the gore, but it needs to be backed up by substance. I'm not sure you hit the mark for me there, but I can appreciate your clean writing style. You didn't really confuse me at all. That's always a huge plus considering how slow I am.

Thanks for submitting!


'Artist' is not a term you should use to refer to yourself. Let others, and your work, do it for you.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 33 - 62
nawazm11
Posted: October 27th, 2012, 4:39am Report to Moderator
Been Around



Posts
945
Posts Per Day
0.21
I really have to say this has to be one the dullest scripts I have ever read. Man, was this boring. Whoever the writer was, you really fucked up man. This was just incredibly stupid and made no sense. I read the dialogue multiple times but I just kept zoning out mid sentence.

Some people seem to have liked it though? Which I can't really understand. I think this began as a pisser and then morphed into some rant.

If you were to rewrite, I'd suggest making the dialogue interesting and make it flow faster.

My grade: F+.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 34 - 62
Scar Tissue Films
Posted: October 27th, 2012, 5:16am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Posts
3382
Posts Per Day
0.63

Quoted from mcornetto
Though I've calmed down a bit about this script - i.e. I think it needs a bit of work - and whether it's a pisstake or not, I think it hit upon a duality that has potential.

The author here took the requirements literally.  Rather than making a decision between good and evil - the author examines what the characters believe is good and evil - so instead they are making a decision about, or defining what is good and what is evil.  They are the tool of morality.

At least that's how I see it.  Yes, it's arty - even if it is a pisstake.  


Good post, Michael.

This is how I feel about it, particularly the bolded part.

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 35 - 62
Andrew
Posted: October 27th, 2012, 7:07am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1791
Posts Per Day
0.32
This thread is superb marketing for the script! Couldn't resist giving it a read.

Didn't hate, didn't love it. Which is probably the worst kind of reaction for the writer. Clearly he/she wants to provoke, but like Libby, I'm not convinced the writer has the chops to pull off such audacious material. The concept of morality in - what these characters see as - an immoral world is sort of challenged, but with a sledgehammer. Not sure the issue is really with religion either, because the characters' conception of religious leaders (and they hint towards extreme leaders) is that every opinion matters - not the case, because these guys think their opinion matters. These "religious leaders" believe their version is right, therefore all others are wrong. So unless the writer is trying to shoehorn in another point, they're clearly showing the inherent hypocrisy of the two ironically "plain stupid" characters that are attempting to shape a world based on their own moral failures.

There was something of a monologue quality that, to me at least, made the characters a VO - as though they may be there in physical form, but not in spirit. As though they consider themselves floating above the extreme violence - as though this nuts and bolts action is beneath them. They clearly see themselves as moral superiors. The woman was very much in control of the relationship and proceedings, whereas the chap was a grunt carrying out her wishes. An interesting dynamic, but again, I agree with Libby about having the chops to pull off such a layered material.

The ambition of the script is what impresses me, but it's unfortunately largely unfulfilled ambition.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 36 - 62
Grandma Bear
Posted: October 27th, 2012, 8:12am Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
7961
Posts Per Day
1.36
Sorry, this will be short, on the iPad and I hate typing on it.

This one didn't do it for me, I hate to say. Although you were trying to have some philosophical discussion here, the dialogue bored me. It seemed repetitive and at only nine pages it felt longwinded to me. From production stand point, it don't see that many actors that would want to be naked and mutilated for this film on the cheap. Especially since none of the actors roles would require any acting they would want to show on their show reels as sample of their acting abilities. Just MHO of course. Also, it would probably cost good money to have realistic sawing heads off and headless corpses...I'd hate to clean up the mess too.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 37 - 62
Abe from LA
Posted: October 27th, 2012, 8:49pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Downey, California
Posts
556
Posts Per Day
0.08
While not quite my taste, I feel that we have a very good writer here, who was just going to take this challenge in a crazy direction to get it all out of his/her system.  That would be better than walking the streets armed with a tool and whacking (wacking off) heads.

I like the concept of dialogue running one way, and the action swinging the other way. The jabber got to me because the two characters talked too much.  If it were tighter, I have read deeper.

Maybe there were hints into the identity of the victims. Joe referred to them as "looters."  I was more intrigued who the victims were, what they did to deserve this fate and how they happened upon Joe and Regina.  If only some more of that would have been worked into the story — and if it's there, maybe I missed it between the cuts.  
And was there something supernatural in this story?

This isn't as bad as I expected. It's not that inspiring, but as I said earlier, I just have a feeling a really good writer took a week off, got naked with his laptop, and relieved himself.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 38 - 62
RayW
Posted: November 2nd, 2012, 10:38pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Freedom

Location
About a thousand years from now.
Posts
1821
Posts Per Day
0.36
I remain surprised at both the contrroversy over this submission as well as the number of views it has garnered.
I promise my own views haven't jacked the count up any more than about thirty, counting the open + skip to page double count.

Um... where to start.

First, I knew many submissions would be "Tom, Dick, and Harry came to the Dingy Motel and interacted. Ooo! Ahh!"
I wanted to submit something more oblique than that.
I wanted an thick, inky, black line that ran from left to right intersected by a bloody gash of red on a downward sloping diagonal.
Regina (the queen = Rex, T.Rex) was the banal black line
Juggalo Joe (the clown = the mime) was the bloody red gash on a downward slope.

Second, Regina's babbling is a modified transcript of some controversial author's stage presentation about good vs. evil morality before an audience.
Juggalo Joe represents the insanity that both keeps up with esoteric philosophies while engaing in psychopathic indulences.

A little Sweeny Todd + Tokyo Gore Police.


Third, regarding the slugs...
Think about it:
Shot 1 - A person sits up at the head of the bed.
Shot 2 - Two legs hang off the foot end of the bed.
Umm... they ain't the same person. There's two people/bodies in the bed.
Paper. Screen. Gotta keep up, folks.
And I can tell a naked woman under the sheets from a clothed one. Maybe I have more practice at such. I dunno.


Fourth, which brings me to my personal achievement: the primary complaint was about subject material and not the format or criteria.

Angels are technically a supernatural element. Done.


FWIW, I don't care for this kind of material as entertainment for myself.
I tried to write for a specialty horror market, not for myself, not for a four-quadrant market.


I don't understand why anyone cares about the backstories of the victims or justification for murdering them.
The story was about Juggalo Joe not recognizing that his accomplice in crime Regina was experiencing a fundamental shift in her personality at that moment.
J Joe was keeping up with the conversation despite attention elsewhere but didn't know what it meant in relation to him.
WTH does that have to do with the people he's hurting? To me THAT'S the real horror! Psychopaths murder without regard for their victims.


Later, taters!


http://www.sing365.com/music/l.....B4794825695B0009331D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AwSzREAiCfg




Revision History (9 edits; 1 reasons shown)
RayW  -  November 3rd, 2012, 4:21am
Logged
Private Message Reply: 39 - 62
Dreamscale
Posted: November 3rd, 2012, 11:51am Report to Moderator
Guest User



Ray, I apologize for my original comments on your script.  They may have been out of line, but I was personally offended by the content, as well as the level of hard X rated material.

Over the top gore is one thing and we've all seen it, but the way this was written (if read exactly as written) would never possibly be filmed, and to think for even a second that it could be done on a micro budget, is a bit ludicrous.

But, you redeemed yourself with your analysis of all the scripts, so I hope you accept my apology.

The thing about the Slugs, is a different story.  You can't...oh shit, I shouldn't ever say that...you shouldn't think that the top and bottom of a bed are 2 different Slugs, just like you wouldn't use different Slugs to show 4 people sitting in 4 different chairs at a dinner table. Or 3 peeps sitting on a sofa, right, middle, and left.

The top and bottom of a bed are not 2 different locations.  Hope that makes sense.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 40 - 62
jwent6688
Posted: November 3rd, 2012, 7:40pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Wherever I go, there Jwent.

Posts
1858
Posts Per Day
0.33

Quoted from RayW
I remain surprised at both the contrroversy over this submission as well as the number of views it has garnered.
I promise my own views haven't jacked the count up any more than about thirty, counting the open + skip to page double count.


Is that how you rate the success of a script? The VIEWS?

James


Logged
Private Message Reply: 41 - 62
RayW
Posted: November 3rd, 2012, 10:22pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Freedom

Location
About a thousand years from now.
Posts
1821
Posts Per Day
0.36

Quoted from Dreamscale
Ray, I apologize for my original comments on your script.  They may have been out of line, but I was personally offended by the content, as well as the level of hard X rated material.

Over the top gore is one thing and we've all seen it, but the way this was written (if read exactly as written) would never possibly be filmed, and to think for even a second that it could be done on a micro budget, is a bit ludicrous.

But, you redeemed yourself with your analysis of all the scripts, so I hope you accept my apology.

The thing about the Slugs, is a different story.  You can't...oh shit, I shouldn't ever say that...you shouldn't think that the top and bottom of a bed are 2 different Slugs, just like you wouldn't use different Slugs to show 4 people sitting in 4 different chairs at a dinner table. Or 3 peeps sitting on a sofa, right, middle, and left.

The top and bottom of a bed are not 2 different locations.  Hope that makes sense.

Nah, there's no need for an apology.
I see the truth in your critique.

As I stated above - even I don't like the material as entertainment. But I didn't write it for me. I wrote it as a piece of horror for a specific market, bordering on a fetish market, truth be told.
You should watch a few minutes of TOKYO GORE POLICE.
Makes Cronenberg look like a silly schoolkid.
http://www.ovguide.com/tokyo-gore-police-9202a8c04000641f800000000926a0e0

Yeah, I was having a difficult time keeping the budget down.
Didn't have any good ideas without it being a talkie, and I didn't want that.
I do believe and acknowledge I went a bit far with the expense.
Just a single location + few camera placement moves + two principal actors wasn't enough.
The corpse props and protecting the motel carpet expenses did me in.
I was also VERY impressed with the way some of these other screenplays DID keep their budget down.

I'll concede directing from the script is bad form, so sue me.



Quoted from jwent6688
Is that how you rate the success of a script? The VIEWS?

Views are A measure of the interest a screenplay or story inherently generates based upon the title and/or the logline.

As I stated in the other thread, the two measurements of a film's marketing are A) initial butts in seats (views), and B) word of mouth (comments).

THE DEVIL INSIDE got tons of butts in seats + terrible reviews.
The premise was widely appealing. The product dropped the ball.
The same for SPLICE.

My first data "picture" of the views and comments was both well after everyone had nearly a week to review whatever they were going to look at - and - before the authors and favorites released.
I knew the release of authors and favorites would further distort the data, but after a couple more weeks I'll take another "data picture" and see the measure of that distortion, Pale Yellow's OCD outlier aside. HA!



Logged
Private Message Reply: 42 - 62
DanBall
Posted: November 5th, 2012, 11:34am Report to Moderator
New


It's okay with me.

Location
Columbus, IN
Posts
285
Posts Per Day
0.07
The juxtaposition that's at the core of this story is certainly a noble effort, but it's heavy-handed and painfully obvious. On top of that, the concept didn't really work as a film. You hit the reader over the head with both dialogue and violence...which constitutes all nine pages. I get that you were short on ideas, but it seems kind of amateurish to use so much dialogue even when you're desperate. Granted, you broke that rule as part of the design, but the actual content of that dialogue was weak...so it still didn't work. The whole time, it felt like Regina and Joe were the same character. Nothing distinguished their personalities except for the character headers. I've read Wikipedia articles on morality that were more dynamic!

Another problem I had was with Joe's seeming apathy to his handiwork. If he was so sexually-invested in those killings, how was he able to carry on such a thoughtful, coherent conversation? Getting his jollies on would've left him a bit more distracted, wouldn't it? I know he's psychotic, but that's a stretch. Since the characters never once acknowledged what they were doing, it's like you transcribed a long-lost episode of "Fun with Real Audio."

It's strange that you went for such a niche audience with this contest. Coupled with the fact that it's wall-to-wall dialogue and you left out the supernatural requirement...it's like you didn't want to win. It also sounds like you didn't even care, either. I'm not sure what you'd do to fix it. I suppose there are ways you could cut down on the dialogue and allow the action to mingle with it more, but that's more cogitating than I care to field at the moment.

Honestly, I'm surprised this wasn't better, considering the pompous way you ripped into my Room 3. I get that it was a bad script with more than a few problems, but considering the flaws yours had...why was that any reason to be so harsh on a fellow author's work? If anything, I thought that would make you more gracious, considering your own shortcomings. I figure most of us here have a mutual respect for each other. What you said about my work blatantly crossed that line. I sent you a PM about it, but you've yet to respond to it, so I'm calling you out publicly.

If I've misunderstood something about your approach, I apologize, but I doubt I have--it's pretty rough. I know others are appreciative of the time and effort you put into their analyses and I would be too...had you finished it. Not only did you jump ship halfway, but you also used it as a backhanded insult along with your other barbs. And nothing was ever said that others hadn't said in more respectful, friendly manners. So no, I'm not appreciative. I think I would've been more understanding had you avoided my script altogether. You had a lot of work to do and you probably knew reviewing Room 3 wasn't going to benefit either of us. Yet you couldn't pass up the opportunity to flaunt your whatever.

There's no need to explain your actions, but I would hope you'd use some discretion in the future. Writers shouldn't have to take crap from other writers; the rest of the world serves up enough of that on its own. In the immortal words of Rodney Dangerfield, "Relax, will ya?" I'm mad at you, but it's nothing I can't get over. If you read this and you think I'm out of my mind, then that's your right. But I hope this is just a good shakeup and we can have an honest, respectful and professional relationship from now on.


"I remember a time of chaos. Ruined dreams. This wasted land. But most of all, I remember The Road Warrior. The man we called 'Max'."

THE PINBALL WARRIOR (scifi, WIP, ~30 pg.)
A STAND AGAINST EVIL (short, 9 pg.)
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 43 - 62
Dreamscale
Posted: November 5th, 2012, 12:02pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Dan, hopefully you know that i personally have no problem with giving poor reviews or negative feedback, as I do it quite frequently.

But, I don't like when I see someone doing it, based on poor feedback they received from the same writer, which seems to be the case here, at least in part.

You didn't go into much detail on your script thread in answering any questions posed or mistakes you made.

You really should do that, as you'll probably get some feedback to your words that could help you going forward.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 44 - 62
 Pages: « 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    October 2012 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Thread Rating
There is currently no rating for this thread
 
Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006