Hey Face, just read this. Overall, it met the requirements, but I thought it was pretty cheesy. As you've heard, "Nooooo!" was the cherry on top and the painting was the icing/whipped cream.

Maybe make your descriptions less descriptive and more atmospheric. By that, I mean you should try to change your few to descriptions to ones that set the tone, rather than just describing the action. The dialogue really added some cheese to it, for me, as well. It was all on-the-nose in my head.

You've got a good story, but I just think you need to work on how it's presented. Hopefully, a director will have some say in that eventually, but you should give them less to take credit for and make it good yourself. I know you're working on a rewrite, so I'm definitely interested to hear what you're going to do differently.

Thanks Dan-

Nooooooo! Totally agree on the cheese dialogue. It was my first attempt at writing and I got a little ahead of myself with the script. It wasn't until I started to get reviews on the script before I got what the rewviewer was saying about "On the nose dialogue" and how bad the ship painting was.

In my current rewrite I eliminated the ship painting and I'm working hard on the dialogue to make it sound more natural. I like your advice about less action but more "setting the tone" in the action lines. Will look to change more. I also changed the ending which I'm very happy with and hopefully the time I put into the rewrite will show.

I appreciate the review.

I think OTN dialogue is a habit that every writer is forced to break when they start out. I'm not sure how long it's taken me, if I've even completely broken free of it yet. For me, I always give some thought to how often people in real life don't say what they mean or beat around the bush at times.

Of course, fleshing characters out helps, too. No two people will be thinking about the exact same thing for the entire duration of a conversation--unless they're robots who were programmed that way. So what would those people say at certain times and how would they say it?

Harry, First I would create an EXT. scene at the beginning of the story like this example:

                           EXT. PARADISE MOTEL - DAY

                           Red lights illuminate around the edges of the words, Paradise
                           Motel.

                           It is raining cats and dogs.

I would then move into the INT. MOTEL and continue your original scene.

I would also insert a (V.O.)  when the Woman first appear behind Johnny on page 3, Instead of (O.S.) because she speaks in Johnny's Mind and Psychic tones.

Johnny, Your story is great. Two bank robbers who murder two victims, and then take refuge in a motel to ride out a storm, and nonetheless thier victims return back and haunt them.

It's a great Twilight short story.

Darryl

Hey Darryl,

Thanks for the feedback. This was my first script that I ever wrote. A one week challenge back in October. Since then I've been working on a rewrite along with some other projects but I will eventually repost the script when I'm finished. I appreciate you taking a look at the script and let me know if I can return the favor and read something of yours.

Dirk