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I was kind of hoping that Father would be a pervert, and that Destiny really was posessed. That's three odd characters for ya, all in the same motel. The script really would have taken a different direction.
As is, the script is still good. The writing is fantastic, Amir is a twisted character, and I liked the misdirection of Destiny waking up without a shirt on. The ending was disappointing, it kinda felt like nothing had really happened.
Very well wrote... Obviously one of the more experienced writers. I liked the twist at the end.... I was expecting the priest to be a pervert and Aimar slit his throat...
This one...I'm afraid it didn't do that much for me.
I'm just not sure where the writer was going with it. That the priest was protecting the girl from a possession, and that Amir - the religious fanatic - misunderstood? The overall story just didn't coalesce for me in a satisfying way. Was there an overall theme that I missed? (Sorry - when all is said and done, I'm a "message" type gal. If the story doesn't have some form of unifying theme, it won't hit me hard enough to make an emotional mpact.)
All that said, this one was written quite competantly - so cheers on that!
By far the best written one I've read. I have not read many yet, but this ain't my first OWC rodeo, and I know this will be one of the top written shorts. Very good writing for a week or less.
The story is very good too. A simple premise involving a misdirection of the audience, but where appropriate set up and pay off of the ending is applied. I really can't think of many areas to improve. Only thought I had in that regard might be to show tracks or scabs on Destiny's arm at the end?
Excellent work. Good chance of being filmed. First of the ones I've read that I liked.
If I were to film this one, this is where I would go: Amir is a self mutilator, right? I would make him a heroin addict instead. And then the film could be shot all trippy and stuff. And then, at the end, the girl turns out to be a junky too, who the priest has saved before. This emphasizes how the priest is both enemy and friend to the junkies. He is friend, of course, but in their messed up state, they see him as enemy, though perhaps haunted by conflicting perceptions.
If a tree falls on a parish, and there's no one to thear, does it make a sound?
Doesn't make much sense. But when Father Thomas said that a tree fell on the parish, I though, "WTF?" Did you mean rectory? Or church? A parish is the community that surrounds a church. For a tree to fall on it would mean it was a huge tree. I'm nitpicking here as little mistakes like this are really distracting. It was bothering me until I finishewd the script.
The story was a good and I liked the characters, especially Amir. Making him a cutter, and one with his past, made him a very interesting character. You should use him (or a similar character) in another story. He was very well developed for such a short piece.
The constant references to the storm was a bit of a distraction. You can refer to it once or twice; we'll remember it.
A big problem I had (in addition to the tree on the parish) was on page four, when Amir was writing in his journal. You can't expect anyone to sit through words being written on a page. It takes to long. Instead, show Amir writing and have him read his words via voice over.
The writing here is competent and assured. I'm guessing this is a pretty seasoned campaigner. Nice use of action verbs keep this story moving. Character descriptions are colourful.
Slight format quibble, EMERGENCY ALERT, needs a V.O.
Amir's torment and pained past is certainly interesting. The writer here uses nice broad strokes to paint his past and blend this into the story as it unfolds. He's certainly a tortured soul who seeks retribution for the evils that were inflicted upon him.
I was a little disappointed that this didn't end with more of a flurry. While there was a crisis for Amir, the conflict was an internal one, which was externalised by Father Thomas' presence. I wanted something meatier from this, a few twists and surprises.
Not sure what happens with Destiny. Vomit on her shirt hinted at possession??
In the end, things are wrapped up too neatly. With a tweaked story line, this has great potential.
Yeah, this one is one of the top ones I've read so far. A very excellent writer at work here.
The story was strong, too. Unlike a couple other commentors, I think this one had a satisfactory ending. Maybe just a teenie tiny-bit anti-climactic because it just kind of ends, but all the questions get answered.
I don't know if I missed something, I know 'possession' was only referred to, so I don't know how the supernatural history was met for the challenge. I might need that answered before I decide if this is going to be my favorite.
Because of how well written it is, it is my favorite so far, but I'd like to hear more thoughts on the supernaturalness aspect before I decide.
Mark, I'm not real sure about what was intended in this story. But if I am interpreting it correctly, like you, I would say there is nothing supernatural.
However, I would argue the requirement is met because we have a strong hint of the supernatural throughout the story. It turns out, I think, that this supernatural stuff is in his head. But I think the hint of the supernatural is sufficient.
But I'm not voting, because I have not had time to read most.
That means there is technically no supernatural, as Mark commented.
That's why I didn't enter this OWC. There were so many parameters that I was never able to come up with something that satisfied them all. I had one that I thought did, and started writing, then I realized they didn't "spend the night", so I gave up.
And I thought Destiny was a druggie ...nothing about possession entered my mind.
I thought the author was trying to set up an exorcision scene throughout the story, because of some of the things he says to her:
"Take these. It will help you rest through the bad part." "Lie down now. You have more than one storm to sleep through tonight."
I thought he was setting up the exorcism. But, the twist, (I think a very smart twist), is that he's just getting ready to help her through the approaching withdrawals.
Yeah, Kevin, I don't think I'll take any points off, since the demons are referred to throughout the story.
Damages by - When a priest chooses an old motel as sanctuary from a hurricane, he must protect his entrusted companion from an unstable resident, the violent elements, and possibly, even himself. Brief -
Locations & Sets - Exterior, motel @ dusk. Interior, motel room @ dusk. Interior, motel room bathroom. Interior, motel lobby @ night. Actors - AMIR, 32, FATHER THOMAS, 55, DESTINY, 24 Costumes - Father Thomas’ priest outfit + fedora Props - metal vacancy sign + pole, antiqued small box labeled PLATINUM CHROME - DOUBLED EDGED - 100 BLADES, antique double razor handle + blades, hash scarred arm make up or prosthesis, liquid stage blood, blood stained Bible, sheet of plywood, gauze bandage, CRT TV, toolbox, hammer + nails, leather journal, pen, wall clock, open/closed door hang sign, prescription bottle + pills (TicTacs!), clean + bloody towel, serrated hunting knife, rosary beads + crucifix Audio FX - metal creaking, thunder rumble, emergency alert warning, toolbox rummaging, wind howls, hammer blows, animal-like scream, bell dings, running water, toilet flushing, chair thud, flapping metal, alteration of Amir’s voice in attack Visual FX - dark sky effect, lightning flash, green screen hurricane report onto TV Other - instal sign pole, makeup artist, fabricate hurricane image for TV, shop fan, make up artist, stock hurricane damage video Genre & Marketability - Implied supernatural thriller suspense, mostly just drama Comments - “Hatch-marked scars like a ladder say ‘this canvas has seen a blade many times’” Whoa, little rider. You gotta rein that novely stuff in a little bit. Going to use the same motel room for both rooms 7 & 8 then flip one of the two images in editing. Story’s a little loopy; requires a little tightening. Some of the details can be skipped or substituted for budgetary reasons. I’m not real clear on if Father Thomas actually is performing repeated/routine exorcisms on Destiny - or - is this some role play thing they enjoy doing every once in awhile. I dunno. Characters not very interesting. Script format: fair. Final word: story is done to death missable and opaque as is.
$2,000 - $3,000 Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range / 10.6 Screenplay Pages = $189 - $283 Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute
Adherence to Given Criteria: Odd but interesting character(s) - Nope take refuge from a hurricane - yep in a beat-up motel - yep and are forced to make a choice - does Amir really have a choice but to intervene? between good or evil - good and bad, yes; not good and evil in order to survive the night. - nope, Amir’s peril was interrupted by the other two Each character must - have some history involving a supernatural event in their lives - yep that factors into their choice. - yep Genre is open. - thriller suspense, mostly just drama This is a micro-budget short, - yep so no destruction of the motel, - yep no children or animals - yep and minimal special effects. - yep BONUS! Story also included: mime(s) - nope dinosaur(s) - nope
This was well written and it had a good tone, though I think you could condense a bit more because it was a slow read. I'm not sure the story was quite developed enough. There needed to be more here - just a misunderstanding at the end wasn't enough.
Did bad things happen to Amir when he was young and was it the Father that did them? I'm not really certain I got closure here.
Good on ya for getting something together for the OWC.
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Damages - 10/12 OWC
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