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Damages by Anonymous Greg - Short - When a priest chooses an old motel as sanctuary from a hurricane, he must protect his entrusted companion from an unstable resident, the violent elements, and possibly, even himself. - pdf, format
I'm not quite sure what to make of this one. I mean, you definitely set up a misdirection with the ending, but I'm not sure what the point of it all was. You kept cutting back to news on the storm and this backstory which connected the three people (which I enjoyed, by the way) but you skipped over the climax, No Country For Old Men-style.
I'm guessing he exorcised her while she was asleep, but to be honest, I still think he should've killed the Priest in the end. It would've made for a better ending if the true holy man killed the Priest to protect the girl, only to find out that the Priest was helping her.
There seems to be a marked improvement in the quality of these latter batches of scripts - I wonder if the first few were the first turned in? Hmmm...
I really like the writing here as well as the brooding feel of approaching ill will. Very well done.
But, if I were to nitpick, I'd say the although the writing is very strong, it's a bit overwritten, as it's not a quick read by any means.
Wasn't sure where exactly we were goiing to go here, but for me, the end was both a surprise and a letdown.
THis had a imilar feel to another scrt...not sure which, but the way the storm was incorporated - frequently referenced, but not really anything to do with the story, IMO.
Heads and shoulders above the vast majority and maybe the best written script so far.
Good job here, but I wish the end was...different.
Hmm, another one that I'm not sure I followed. One of the reviews said the priest exorcised Destiny, but I thought Destiny was a drug addict that the Priest was trying to help. Amir is the survivor of sex abuse from his days in the orphanage, and mistook Father Thomas for the priest who molested him. Or, that's how I read it.
So, I felt sort of a disconnect between the two storylines. They never really met until the very end, when Amir's apparent epiphany happens. But then he just runs out the door. Gave the script a "meh" conclusion.
Anyway, pretty good descriptions and the dialogue was decent, but got a little hammy at the end there.
Amid - I wasn't sure whether he was set up as a killer or self harmer? I went for killer which...
Then confused as to why we walks away at the end, just like that. I liked the tension of is the father good or bad, is destiny at the whim of two killers, but even then she freaks, runs out, fears for him, then does a 180 with little reason. Wasn't sold on that. Did I miss something?
Because of the ending I felt Amir wasn't resolved, besides during the script a little too much bible talk. We got the message early on.
Decent effort. What were there previous suprenatural events? Did the storm play much of a part? Hey, it won't for most.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Pretty good entry. The ending was the highlight for me. To find out the priest was truly trying to help her. Wish there was some more backstory there. Definitely found it odd that he was carrying her down the street in the beginning.
There was some decisions made, Samir decides not to kill the priest eventhough he was obbviously violated by one. Destiny defends the priest even before she realizes why he took her shirt off. This could probably make a great little short with a rewrite and without the constraints of the challenge.
Motel: Check Hurricane: Check Micro budget: Check Characters: More stereotypical then odd. The honorable priest, the innocent girl, and the troubled believer Choice: To kill or not kill the priest Supernatural: Not clear
Plenty of time is spent on Amir's facets: a cutter, a victim, a believer and a lunatic. A little more time on the back story for the priest and girl would help.
I liked the portrayal of Amir, a very troubled soul. Nice set up with Father Thomas and Destiny. The end felt rushed though. Maybe too much set up and weather reports. If some of that were trimmed and we saw a bit more of Father Thomas it may have flowed better. But it was still good.
I was breezing through this story until this--"but where is her shirt?" Took me right out. You had a great flow up until that point. There are more creative ways to let us know she realizes her shirt is off.
A tear rolls down her cheek ‘she was wrong’. -- "she was wrong" is not needed here. You conveyed that when she said she was sorry.
GREAT job on this difficult OWC. One of my faves in the first 20.
Really good writing here, the author knows his craft.
But, as others have noted, a lot of over description, making it far too long. Needs to cut about 4 pages off it, which would be achieved by shorter action lines.
Still unsure exactly what happened at the end - will re-read it but reading all these has been a chore. i started off reading them and writing down a list, but thats gone by the wayside sadly.
But i can understand the quality of the scripts mostly being down - this was possibly the hardest OWC I've been involved in. I very nearly gave up and wasn't gonna enter.
This didn't work for me. While the writing itself isn't bad, it feels very overwritten and dragged majorly. Can't really tell you what the supernatural aspect was either.
The priest being a good guy I did like, as he was being pointed as a bad guy. That was a nice touch I felt. But outside of that I had trouble really getting into this.
This one's good but the ending didn't live up to the billing - it was little flat.
I enjoyed this for most part, Amir is a tortured soul well captured, and it's just a shame that this his burning anger didn't have far worse consequences at the end which would have gave this a more satisfying ending IMO.
Could the Priest and Destiny be better set-up? Maybe but this was a difficult challenge and I think you've ticked of most if not all the requirements - maybe the supernatural past was missing but otherwise, it's all here. A really good effort but this reminded me of a steady Eddy type story which is solid but safe - I wasn't blown away by it. On the other hand, this is top of the pile for me so far but I've still got 30 to go so let's see if it can stay there
This is by far the best written one from the first six I've read. Looks like it's written by one of the more experienced members and other than a few nitpicks, excellent stuff for a week's worth.
I was getting concerned about half a page in with the amount of capping going on but this died down as the piece moved on but I still think it was overused... sparingly some say but maybe this is preference.
Have to say though...the ending may need a rewrite. I do not feel as mentioned before that it was overwritten...however I tend to overwrite everything I write!!
This one was just okay for me. You certainly manage to create a good atmosphere and a build up of tension, but this then leads to a disappointing ending that kinda falls flat.
You did an excellent job of creating a troubled character in Amir, showing glimpses of his self harming and an insight into his troubled past. It's a shame that after such a strong build up he just ends up crying and running out of the door.
It might have made for a more powerful ending had he killed the Father before realising he had made a mistake. Although this wouldn't have then fit into the 'survive the night' criteria, it would certainly have been a more explosive climax.
While you clearly have a lot of talent, this does tend to veer form well-written to over-written on occasion. And also - the constant weather updates on the TV seemed like a waste. Establish the hurricane situation and leave it at that.
Taking refuge from a hurricane in a beat-up motel? Check.
Odd but interesting character(s)? Check. Every character was interesting, especially Amir.
Choosing between good & evil to survive the night? Check. WIth the intervention from Destiny, Amir sees the light and spares the Father his life.
Past supernatural event? Fail. I don't think being abused by a man of the cloth counts as supernatural.
Micro budget? Check. Although this takes place in several locations within the motel and has a couple of outer scenes, if shot cleverly it could easily be done on a modest budget.
Exceptionally well written. You have a very strong command of technique and flair, and an eye for the cinematic. A solid foundation to build upon, good for you.
The story here is the problem. There are some great elements, some fantastic details, great characterization, but they never come together to form a whole. Amir's introduction is so powerful I wanted more about him, but instead we get a pseudo-exorcism that's really just a mundane detox or overdose treatment. That's a huge let-down after hinting at more interesting things. Amir's reaction was too forced for the climax, there wasn't enough story to support it so it felt spoon-fed to me.
The other problem here is the read was far more interesting than the filming would be. So much of what's on the page wouldn't be seen on the screen. We get a lot of strong action words and supernatural descriptions to propel the reader, but when it comes to filming they wouldn't translate visually with the same impact.
Good attempt from an obviously skilled writer, but the story needs to be stronger and more focused.
I was kind of hoping that Father would be a pervert, and that Destiny really was posessed. That's three odd characters for ya, all in the same motel. The script really would have taken a different direction.
As is, the script is still good. The writing is fantastic, Amir is a twisted character, and I liked the misdirection of Destiny waking up without a shirt on. The ending was disappointing, it kinda felt like nothing had really happened.
Very well wrote... Obviously one of the more experienced writers. I liked the twist at the end.... I was expecting the priest to be a pervert and Aimar slit his throat...
This one...I'm afraid it didn't do that much for me.
I'm just not sure where the writer was going with it. That the priest was protecting the girl from a possession, and that Amir - the religious fanatic - misunderstood? The overall story just didn't coalesce for me in a satisfying way. Was there an overall theme that I missed? (Sorry - when all is said and done, I'm a "message" type gal. If the story doesn't have some form of unifying theme, it won't hit me hard enough to make an emotional mpact.)
All that said, this one was written quite competantly - so cheers on that!
By far the best written one I've read. I have not read many yet, but this ain't my first OWC rodeo, and I know this will be one of the top written shorts. Very good writing for a week or less.
The story is very good too. A simple premise involving a misdirection of the audience, but where appropriate set up and pay off of the ending is applied. I really can't think of many areas to improve. Only thought I had in that regard might be to show tracks or scabs on Destiny's arm at the end?
Excellent work. Good chance of being filmed. First of the ones I've read that I liked.
If I were to film this one, this is where I would go: Amir is a self mutilator, right? I would make him a heroin addict instead. And then the film could be shot all trippy and stuff. And then, at the end, the girl turns out to be a junky too, who the priest has saved before. This emphasizes how the priest is both enemy and friend to the junkies. He is friend, of course, but in their messed up state, they see him as enemy, though perhaps haunted by conflicting perceptions.
If a tree falls on a parish, and there's no one to thear, does it make a sound?
Doesn't make much sense. But when Father Thomas said that a tree fell on the parish, I though, "WTF?" Did you mean rectory? Or church? A parish is the community that surrounds a church. For a tree to fall on it would mean it was a huge tree. I'm nitpicking here as little mistakes like this are really distracting. It was bothering me until I finishewd the script.
The story was a good and I liked the characters, especially Amir. Making him a cutter, and one with his past, made him a very interesting character. You should use him (or a similar character) in another story. He was very well developed for such a short piece.
The constant references to the storm was a bit of a distraction. You can refer to it once or twice; we'll remember it.
A big problem I had (in addition to the tree on the parish) was on page four, when Amir was writing in his journal. You can't expect anyone to sit through words being written on a page. It takes to long. Instead, show Amir writing and have him read his words via voice over.
The writing here is competent and assured. I'm guessing this is a pretty seasoned campaigner. Nice use of action verbs keep this story moving. Character descriptions are colourful.
Slight format quibble, EMERGENCY ALERT, needs a V.O.
Amir's torment and pained past is certainly interesting. The writer here uses nice broad strokes to paint his past and blend this into the story as it unfolds. He's certainly a tortured soul who seeks retribution for the evils that were inflicted upon him.
I was a little disappointed that this didn't end with more of a flurry. While there was a crisis for Amir, the conflict was an internal one, which was externalised by Father Thomas' presence. I wanted something meatier from this, a few twists and surprises.
Not sure what happens with Destiny. Vomit on her shirt hinted at possession??
In the end, things are wrapped up too neatly. With a tweaked story line, this has great potential.
Yeah, this one is one of the top ones I've read so far. A very excellent writer at work here.
The story was strong, too. Unlike a couple other commentors, I think this one had a satisfactory ending. Maybe just a teenie tiny-bit anti-climactic because it just kind of ends, but all the questions get answered.
I don't know if I missed something, I know 'possession' was only referred to, so I don't know how the supernatural history was met for the challenge. I might need that answered before I decide if this is going to be my favorite.
Because of how well written it is, it is my favorite so far, but I'd like to hear more thoughts on the supernaturalness aspect before I decide.
Mark, I'm not real sure about what was intended in this story. But if I am interpreting it correctly, like you, I would say there is nothing supernatural.
However, I would argue the requirement is met because we have a strong hint of the supernatural throughout the story. It turns out, I think, that this supernatural stuff is in his head. But I think the hint of the supernatural is sufficient.
But I'm not voting, because I have not had time to read most.
That means there is technically no supernatural, as Mark commented.
That's why I didn't enter this OWC. There were so many parameters that I was never able to come up with something that satisfied them all. I had one that I thought did, and started writing, then I realized they didn't "spend the night", so I gave up.
And I thought Destiny was a druggie ...nothing about possession entered my mind.
I thought the author was trying to set up an exorcision scene throughout the story, because of some of the things he says to her:
"Take these. It will help you rest through the bad part." "Lie down now. You have more than one storm to sleep through tonight."
I thought he was setting up the exorcism. But, the twist, (I think a very smart twist), is that he's just getting ready to help her through the approaching withdrawals.
Yeah, Kevin, I don't think I'll take any points off, since the demons are referred to throughout the story.
Damages by - When a priest chooses an old motel as sanctuary from a hurricane, he must protect his entrusted companion from an unstable resident, the violent elements, and possibly, even himself. Brief -
Locations & Sets - Exterior, motel @ dusk. Interior, motel room @ dusk. Interior, motel room bathroom. Interior, motel lobby @ night. Actors - AMIR, 32, FATHER THOMAS, 55, DESTINY, 24 Costumes - Father Thomas’ priest outfit + fedora Props - metal vacancy sign + pole, antiqued small box labeled PLATINUM CHROME - DOUBLED EDGED - 100 BLADES, antique double razor handle + blades, hash scarred arm make up or prosthesis, liquid stage blood, blood stained Bible, sheet of plywood, gauze bandage, CRT TV, toolbox, hammer + nails, leather journal, pen, wall clock, open/closed door hang sign, prescription bottle + pills (TicTacs!), clean + bloody towel, serrated hunting knife, rosary beads + crucifix Audio FX - metal creaking, thunder rumble, emergency alert warning, toolbox rummaging, wind howls, hammer blows, animal-like scream, bell dings, running water, toilet flushing, chair thud, flapping metal, alteration of Amir’s voice in attack Visual FX - dark sky effect, lightning flash, green screen hurricane report onto TV Other - instal sign pole, makeup artist, fabricate hurricane image for TV, shop fan, make up artist, stock hurricane damage video Genre & Marketability - Implied supernatural thriller suspense, mostly just drama Comments - “Hatch-marked scars like a ladder say ‘this canvas has seen a blade many times’” Whoa, little rider. You gotta rein that novely stuff in a little bit. Going to use the same motel room for both rooms 7 & 8 then flip one of the two images in editing. Story’s a little loopy; requires a little tightening. Some of the details can be skipped or substituted for budgetary reasons. I’m not real clear on if Father Thomas actually is performing repeated/routine exorcisms on Destiny - or - is this some role play thing they enjoy doing every once in awhile. I dunno. Characters not very interesting. Script format: fair. Final word: story is done to death missable and opaque as is.
$2,000 - $3,000 Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range / 10.6 Screenplay Pages = $189 - $283 Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute
Adherence to Given Criteria: Odd but interesting character(s) - Nope take refuge from a hurricane - yep in a beat-up motel - yep and are forced to make a choice - does Amir really have a choice but to intervene? between good or evil - good and bad, yes; not good and evil in order to survive the night. - nope, Amir’s peril was interrupted by the other two Each character must - have some history involving a supernatural event in their lives - yep that factors into their choice. - yep Genre is open. - thriller suspense, mostly just drama This is a micro-budget short, - yep so no destruction of the motel, - yep no children or animals - yep and minimal special effects. - yep BONUS! Story also included: mime(s) - nope dinosaur(s) - nope
This was well written and it had a good tone, though I think you could condense a bit more because it was a slow read. I'm not sure the story was quite developed enough. There needed to be more here - just a misunderstanding at the end wasn't enough.
Did bad things happen to Amir when he was young and was it the Father that did them? I'm not really certain I got closure here.
Good on ya for getting something together for the OWC.
Where's Glen Close when you need her?? Sorry, couldn't resist.
I'd like a dollar for every rusty vacancy sign I've seen rattling in the breeze in this OWC, and ditto every neon vacancy sign with a letter missing. Mind you, something to be said for cliches.
A few thoughts re this one: The free room seemed a bit off to me... hmm, maybe I'll buy it, he's a priest after all. A tree fell on the parish? Surely some mistake, there? The Emergency Warnings just didn't sound entirely convincing to me.
The main thing for me with this overall, contrary to other opinions, is that I just found it a bit lacking in tension.
To sum up, some of writing here is good, but some of it lets it down - ditto the dialogue. But there's definitely potential here with a rewrite.
Agree with Blonde that he should have killed him at the end. It would sure make it more interesting.
I liked the story here, it had a nice vibe to it that some of the other OWC entries lacked. I liked how Amir was so feeble and dreaded the darkness because of the incident. It was really strong story telling and characterization.
My problem here lies with the ending though. It's... average and average just doesn't cut it any more. Something to wrap up the story. Like suggested, maybe he does kill him and after Amir finds out that the priest was innocent. That would have been a lot more fulfilling to the reader.
It's hard to rate this one, I like it but at the same time I dont? My grade: C+/B- but take that lightly.
I was really into this and then it ended. Without the constraints of 12 pages this could have made for a more detailed ending. Hopefully will see more to this when the challenge ends.
Liked where the story was going, liked the characters, but needs more.
I sorta liked this one. What got confusing was reading others' reviews of it and seeing their interpretation of the 'exorcism.' For me, I wasn't really aware an exorcism had occurred at any point. I kept expecting something demonic to happen eventually, but it never seemed to. Then, Amir breaks in, only to find out he's overreacting to what he's heard next door and runs off, never to be seen again. All of that seemed awkward, but I liked the twist. I just don't think it was plotted out as clearly as it could have been.
"I remember a time of chaos. Ruined dreams. This wasted land. But most of all, I remember The Road Warrior. The man we called 'Max'."
I think you got it right, Dan. It was nothing demonic that was being exorcised. The monkey on one's back does not have to be a demon. It can be drug addiction, or some other issue, like cutting.
Mark was right, this is not supernatural, but the fact that it created that impression until the end makes it close enough, I think, to hit the requirement.
Oh now this was my normal 'dark' drama piece. It was rushed of course. Spent a few hours tops on it...so it needs a good broom and mop also!
But this one had a deeper meaning ...deep charaters. Many did not understand.
Amir was a 'cutter'..someone who cuts themself to release emotional pain. He had been abused by a priest in his past childhood. So he was dealing with demons at night(real demons to him) but not to anyone else of course.
Father was taking care of Destiny, a meth head(which I thought was obvious from the description of her actions and her look/face). It wasn't clear though.
The twist at the end was that Destiny woke thinking Father was doing something dirty to her while she was sleeping 'it off'...but he was only washing the vomit off her shirt.
Parallel veins-- The Damages from the storm. The damaged from past events. The damages from drugs. And the damages from internal demons.
I'm sorry this was hard to grasp. It was rushed and this one I will clean up and make much better in the next week
Appreciate the hell out of the good advice and reviews with this short!!! Yall Rock!
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Damages - 10/12 OWC
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