Don't really know what to say about this one. It has a certain 'style', that's for sure. The mistakes seem almost deliberate . . .

Odd mix of words, saloon, not American, would be sedan, paired with highway, oh and 'a Jack' . . .

The reveal was:

'Yes you were.  You were going to
kill yourself and leave me with
your fucking daughter.'


Okay so 7 pages in and I'm one significant story piece of information better off . . .

Weird for the sake of being weird and obscure? So, someone is delusional and suffering with a mental problem, hence Cowboy Sam, but the end is so muddled and unclear . . . sorry, I need to saddle up my horse and have a think about this one.

Call me crazy, but there was something naive about both the writing and the character of Kevin that I found kind of endearing. But then, I'm a sucker for an underdog.

(NOTE: If this is a piss-take, then it's a massive failure because whilst this is silly, it's not clever enough to be a piss-take. Someone needs to go back to piss take school, cos' as it stands -- you ain't 'cool' enough to pull this off. Sorry.)

If you aren't taking the piss, here's some thoughts:

Random scenes posing as surrealism are for experienced writers only. Getting that stuff to run into the narrative without your pages screaming "TRY-HARD ARTSY AMATEUR" is a hard, if not impossible nut to crack. (take it from someone that learned the hard way). That said, the phone booth did make me laugh. That said -- what time frame are we in with these scenes? Are they flashbacks? Is so, readers need help with this stuff.

Some of the dialogue made me smile (not laugh) but I'm not sure if  the humour's intentional or just rushed, or by a writer just starting out.  I have no idea for what purpose these characters are connected because you ran out of pages. Who or what is Cowboy Bob? (apart from a 'Feeder'). Why have a scene of naked air guitar followed by a scene with a very flippant suicide attempt?  Why does the woman burst through the wall? All these questions, even before I've had a look if this meets the requirement of the challenge?

Anyway. I don't regret reading this. It's weird enough to be slightly memorable.  All though an ending would have been nice.

    

I understood that Liz is Jacks daughter and Jack just found out. He also knows about her being a serial killer and thus doesn't have the guts to kill her.

Dont know why they have to do the killing - why not just to turn her in.

Now to Cowboy Sam and Lady Putz - these are very strange people. If these are people. Jack meets Sam in all strange places... I don't know what to say here but every time the two appeared I was very much lost.

Maybe you should drop all the farce, and run with your idea about Jack not being able to kill his daughter even though she is a bad seed. Also edex with my daughter" doesn't read well.

A real turd burglar here, meaning it stole the turd thus far for the OWC. This was too well written at times to not be a pisser. A pisser that wasn't very funny. Madame Putz crashing through the wall was the highlight for me, because it was on the last page.

The only thing missing from this is the collapsible scene index that usually accompanies this writer's work.

Good job entering the OWC.

James

Quoted from jwent6688 The only thing missing from this is the collapsible scene index that usually accompanies this writer's work. James

What you talkin' 'bout, Willis?

Like Bill, I had high hopes too. The title kept reminding me of Cowboy Beebop.

There are a lot of mistakes on show here and it's hard to actually know if this was a pisser or a serious attempt. Maybe you wrote it in the last half hour of the OWC but more effort should've been put into this.

No grade because I didn't finish.

WE WANT A GRADE!!!!!

C'mon, Mo...we're waiting on more reviews from you and your grades.  For reals...I love Sean's grades and I was thrilled when you kicked in with grades as well.

Give this entry a grade and you should actually finish the script, as it does get much better.

I have to agree with Jeff (who is probably the author) that it does get much better if you read the whole script.   Well, I'm not sure I'd use the word better exactly, but at least some of the confusion goes away.  

And I never have and probably never will again read a script where a 6ft something, 500 pounds woman crashes through a motel room wall.  (Has someone been reading my Halloween OWC scripts?)

This was by no means a match for the brief.  I don't think it was a serious attempt but it was definitely strange - and I respect that.

I finished this just for you, Jeff... And because I felt bad in case this one was from a new member.

TBH, it gets a little better towards the end but there is no doubt now that it's a pisser. The writing is pretty crisp, a veteran probably wrote this.

When I started reading this as a pisser, I have to admit I did laugh a few times. The ending with the fat lard made my sides hurt, it was actually that stupidly funny.

The dialogue was some of the worst dialogue I've read in any script, my favourite line.
     LIZ (to Kevin)
Gotcha good didn�t I.

Lolwut?

My grade: D- but take that lightly.

Quoted from mcornetto And I never have and probably never will again read a script where a 6ft something, 500 pounds woman crashes through a motel room wall.

This moment sprung to mind...



James

Thank you, Mo.

Hmmm....just read this one. Can't say I knew exactly what it was about. What was Kevin' and Jack's relationship? I thought in the beginning that they were a gay couple. Why does Kevin strip down in the motel room? By adding a jewelry store (I think it was) and the photo booth you added two more locations away from the motel. That makes this not micro budget friendly. Neither does having a 6' 500lb woman crashing through the motel room door. There were lots of typos and mistakes. I'm wondering if this might be a pisstake. If not I apologize, but the reason I suspect it might be is that the author does not stay true to his own voice. For example, s/he uses both boot and trunk of the car.

Anyway, if I was a producer that asked for the OWC assignment, I would not pick this one. Reason being is lack of interesting and clear story and too expensive for my micro budget. Also there was no conclusion. It just ended, as if you didn't want to go over the 12 page maximum.

Cowboy Sam by - A supernatural being, a friend, an enemy, a deviant.
Brief - Father and daughter are haunted by related specters across generations.

Locations & Sets  -  Exterior, desolate highway @ evening. Exterior, motel @ night. Interior, motel room @ night. Interior, jewelery shop @ day. Interior, photobooth @ Day
Actors  -  KEVIN, 29, Jack, 40s, COWBOY SAM, LIZ, 20, MADAM PUTZ, (
Costumes  -  Sam’s white cowboy getup, Madam Putz’s moo-moo outfit + large hat +face net + shoes
Props  -  lighted BANKSTEED MOTEL sign, whiskey bottle, snack bags, wrist and ankle bindings, duct tape mouth gag, wooden chair, length of rope, cigarette + lighter, “THE OCCULT” faux magazine, pen, fake vomit (can of soup works good), open hammer revolver, false wall hole, break away door to be torn off hinges, entire faux wall to fall down exposing another room
Audio FX  -  trunk thumping, rock music, loud wall thud, smashing, grunting,
Visual FX  -  photo flash effect, peering through wall hole effect
Other  - 4dr car, shop fan, wire cable + clamps to pull break away door from hinges
Genre & Marketability - Thriller drama
Comments  -  That lighted BANKSTEED MOTEL sign is gonna cost, unless someone knows how to do a Gareth Edwards sign change in AE. Critics are going to murder you over all of these -ly adjectives sprinkled with -ing adverbs. (First page alone: warily, clouding, balding, intently, anxiously, slowing, desperately, coming, & suddenly.) I don’t care, but recognize that others do, FWIW. OMFG! What part of filming in a jewelery shop,  in the day, fits the given criteria? “... this here watch” not hear, as in listening. Turn off your screenwriting program’s mores and continueds feature. At the photobooth part I already know this story cannot fit within the given parameters; reading from here on is pure charity on my behalf for story’s sake rather than thoughtful analysis. Doors flying off hinges and entire walls that fall down are exactly how you begin to understand the difference between writing pie-in-the-sky stories and stories that are budget minded = likely to be produced. And I think your story got clipped by the 12 page limit. I’m not clear on Kevin’s relationship to either Jack or Liz. Script format: needs work. Final word: Unproduceable, but the fundamental idea is very interesting.

$5,000 - $7,000  Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/ 12 Screenplay Pages
= $  Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Odd but interesting character(s) - Cowboy Sam & Madam Putz are, no one else
take refuge from a hurricane - not really
in a beat-up motel - yep
and are forced to make a choice - they weren’t really forced
between good or evil - yep, to kill Liz
in order to survive the night. - nope, not established
Each character must -
have some history involving a supernatural event in their lives - yep
that factors into their choice. - yep
Genre is open. - thriller drama
This is a micro-budget short, - nope
so no destruction of the motel, - not unless you wanna build a set
no children or animals - yep
and minimal special effects. - eh, the door thing is going to be a fair hassle
BONUS! Story also included:
mime(s) - nope
dinosaur(s) - nope

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WBdeA3ZfngPz7NfJg_5DSBUFsZXkicfyNQHRc8Bg2SQ/edit

Okay, WTH is this? If it's a joke then it's not clever enough or funny enough - even though I'll say it definitely has colour and had its moments.

Numerous and I mean numerous mistakes throughout i.e. punctuation, grammar, no FADE IN or OUT. Most definitely written in a colossal hurry - 'rilles' are depressions on a lunar landscape btw, and I see you're another who cannot differentiate between 'lies' and 'lays'. The latter are just a couple of errors amongst a 'take your pick' bunch.

The story bounces back and forth in a crazy inane fashion, but mostly I just couldn't stick with it. I did read to the end but I still fail to be enlightened.

If this is a serious attempt and you're a fifteen year old boy, I apologize for hurting your feelings, if not, then you're just taking the mickey.

This couple of lines from an inspiring piece of dialogue is definitely a contender for most ludicrous:

"Do you think they will deny you entry, take you to a back room and perform upon you a most savage rape."

I'll leave it at that.

While I agree with Jeff in saying that it gets better as you read more, I still can't tell if it's a pisser or a rush job.

Either way, thanks for giving me something different to read!