JOB
That’s... one snowy name.

^groan.

pretty sure Winter is a juggalette in disguise.

felt mediocre overall. doesn't stand out by any means. this entry feels (and i hate to say it) but rather pointless.

but maybe the biggest problem is lack of character depth. we need some back story here. then again, that's awfully difficult to do given this OWC's constraints.

my advice? spice it up a bit!

congrats on completing a OWC

At least I now know where the "sperm leftovers" line came from in the other thread. That was probably one of the highlights from this one.

This could be a very promising idea but it's let down by nearly everything. Poor grammar, horrible dialogue, generic names and a lack of clarity. There were some funny things happening like Winter saying to Job that it was "nothing personal" but she didn't want to be in the same room as him - this directed at a person who was pointing a gun at here 10 seconds earlier.

I would also recommend making it clear that woman/winter can't see Darkness from the get-go. I was very confused in those opening pages but to be honest, I was pretty confused throughout this one.

However, I did like that Winter turned into Harley Quinn and went all psycho but it didn't lead anywhere. I think you need to give Job some background to help the reader feel for his predicament.

Good effort but in the need of a re-write, IMO.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Steve

Interesting choice of names - almost like ou want to hint at something with them - couldn't get what though.

Dont know who these peole are. Theres a lot of talk about "killing her" but not a lot of actual story for me.

I never knew that names were that important but now I see that they are - think you should either explain them or change them.

I liked the idea of the story but the writing felt a bit rushed and we missed out on some things. Darkness telling Job to kill Winter was a nice but as stated above we didn't know who Winter was or where she came from. I believe a good rewrite would make this into a great story. Congrats on the OWC.

I'm in the camp that thinks this has some potential with some rewrites. For one, I sympathized with Job somehow. I got that he was a mean, old dude fighting personal demons and doing his best to keep them at bay. I got the idea that he could've easily killed Winter had he wanted to, but he didn't and he was fighting the urge to do so. Nice work, there.

I agree with others that the dialogue was a little awkward, weird, in-need-of-work, but it didn't annoy me like some others have. There was some strange phrasing of things, but nothing a rewrite couldn't help.

I was confused by some things. Was Winter actually a psychopath the whole time or did she become possessed by Darkness in the loo? She seems sane before the bathroom, but then she comes out of there a psycho. Maybe it was the sperm leftovers that drove her crazy? Who knows. Speaking of the WC, I'm not really sure I've seen a 'rusty' bathtub. I've seen tubs with rusty fixtures, but the tubs themselves are usually just mildewy, soap scummy, discolored, and made of porcelain or fiberglass.

The biggest point of confusion, by far, is the ending. I didn't understand Winter's line "Don't shoot, Job. You're not his murderer." I guess you meant it to communicate that Winter was telling Job that he wasn't Darkness's servant, but it's a bit unclear.

Also, Winter killed herself and no one called the cops. So how'd they know to come? Are they there to report or fix the broken window? Since you didn't set them up (and they wouldn't have responded that quickly, anyway), then they don't need to be there.

Without a victim's blood on his hands, no cops, and no Darkness to push him around anymore, Job's finally free. At this point, I got excited. Then he shot himself. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT???? The three letters I would've ended with, at that point, wouldn't have been "Fin", but "WTF." That's the worst ending ever. In fact, it's almost as bad as an ending I made in college for a school project. It was about a guy who got kicked out of the college dorms for being lazy and OD'd on sleeping pills or something. It looked and sounded cool, but that's it. Point is, don't kill off your protagonist via suicide at the end. Even if it's Brutus in an adaptation Julius Caesar, don't do it. It's lame, it's desperate and cheap. You're better than that and your audience--even if they're all jerks--don't deserve it.

Other than that, you do have some grammatical and formatting things to work on. So fix those and work out your story kinks and you've got a fine tale to tell...or show.

Darkness by - A murderer refuses to follow his supernatural master's orders and leaves his victim to live, only to find himself as the new victim.
Brief -

Locations & Sets  - Interior, motel room @ night. Interior, motel bathroom. Interior, motel room @ day
Actors  -  Winter, 25, Job, 55, Darkness (undefined age)
Costumes  -  Job’s long coat,
Props  -  Pistol(revolver) + holster, ear to ear cheekless teeth prosthetic, black body suit, purse + girl clutter, pipe, cigarette, plastic vampire teeth, wrist and ankle bindings, straight razor, cut face prosthetic, cut throat prosthetic, liquid stage blood
Audio FX  -  Likely alteration of the voice for Darkness, window bang, hurricane wind, door slam, lock click, door creak, gun shots, police sirens
Visual FX  - black eyes (unless black contacts can be used), gun flashes + smoke
Other  -  makeup artist, replacement window, hurricane destruction stock footage, set design filthy bathroom & clean up, crash pads for fall, crazy clown make up, bleeding leg wounds, shop fan, foliage debris, find a photobooth (or rewrite)
Genre & Marketability - Supernatural horror suspense
Comments  -  I really don’t understand WTH happened on pg4 between Job & Winter. Just a... random piece of pipe laying on the spermy bloody bathroom floor? Okay. Budget’s well contained. Nice use of a single setting. Story’s a little wonky but workable. Script format: fine. Final word: Nice suspense, effective use of budget, story needs some refinement.

$1,000 - $ 2,000 Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/ 9.9 Screenplay Pages
= $101 - $ 202  Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Odd but interesting character(s) - Winter and Darkness are, Job isn’t
take refuge from a hurricane - not really refuge, but close enough
in a beat-up motel - yep
and are forced to make a choice - yep
between good or evil - yep, for Job
in order to survive the night. - not really established for Job
Each character must -
have some history involving a supernatural event in their lives - yep
that factors into their choice. - yep
Genre is open. - Supernatural horror suspense
This is a micro-budget short, - yep
so no destruction of the motel, - other than the window, yep
no children or animals - yep
and minimal special effects. - yep
BONUS! Story also included:
mime(s) - does Winter’s black and white crazy clown make up count? I think it should
dinosaur(s) - nope

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WBdeA3ZfngPz7NfJg_5DSBUFsZXkicfyNQHRc8Bg2SQ/edit

You have some awkward phrasing in your awkward lines that makes them longer than they need to be.

You can cut down the opening conversation by not having Job repeat the same line over and over again. It slows this down.

The snowy name line seems pretty cheesy to me. Especially in these circumstances.

I also had a hard time figuring out why Job was aiming a gun at Winter if he was defending her from the beginning. It didn't seem like he came to the realization that she was innocent. He just knew it all along so I'm not sure why he was aiming it at her.

The writing is pretty clean, so I didn't have any issues with that. The dialogue just slowed it down for me.

I was quite intrigued by your logline and thought ooh, this might be good but unfort. it fell below expectation.

I'll resist repeating what's been said re dialogue, character names etc. (but really in saying that, I'm kinda saying that, aren't I?) Stymied with your main character's demise, a few other things are unclear - a bit messy all in all.

Would definitely be interested in a rewrite - just need it all to be a bit snappier and tighter.

Good effort.

Poor pg 12, all it has on it is THE END. Could've easily cut somewhere and lost the wasted page. I wasn't a fan of the writing on this one. Too--

--many dash breaks in the action that didn't have the effect on me that I'm sure the author intended. Just took me out of the read.

SPOILERS

The idea here isn't a bad one though. I liked that the girl was psycho and went after Job. Then, they both end up offing themselves which was a bit of a let down at the end for me. So, A good idea that needs a better delivery IMO.

Good job entering the OWC.

James

I didn't care for this one too much.  I had a very hard time picturing Darkness, (maybe because of his name, I wasn't supposed to), but I'm wondering what he would look like on screen.  All I got out of the description was human, but with no cheeks.  Does that mean just tissue and blood, or maybe scar tissue?

Story didn't really do much for me.  It was too back and forth with Darkness wanting them to kill each other, first Job killing Winter, then her killing him, then him killing her, then him killing himself.

Just felt very disjointed, especially wondering how Winter all of a sudden was on Darkness' side.

Besides Darkness' description and the disjointed story, I think this was competently written, though, format wise.

Liked the story behind this but needed better execution. Clean and easy read, just storywise confusing at times. Also didn't like how Job shot himself. If Darkness was gone, then why? Thought Job might have just slipped out of the motel room and left.

Good effort.

I think this had a nice poetic element to it but I wonder if the character naming (which was a large part of it) will come across on film.

I don't think the person who wrote has English as their first language so kudos for that - you did a pretty good job with it.

This definitely had a strangeness too it that I appreciated.  

Good work at getting something together for the OWC.

This one had a few good moments, especially when it started out.  I liked the mystery inherent in Darkness' presence.  And he was a charasmatic, memorable character.

And one point though...it just degenerated a little too much into splatter gore for it's own sake.  And least, that's the gut reaction that I had.  

Competant writing - but I'd like to see more emotional impact at the end, vs. simple splatter (not sure what that would entail - so apologies for giving such a vague recommendation...  But best I can do off the cuff...!)