I liked it.

Liked the idea of the Priest burying the sinners. Liked the suspense of the room. Although it was the kind of stuff that's been seen before (haunted room, somethng under the bed etc) it still worked well enough.

Agree with Ryan about the back story. Seemed to get in the way. I also agree with those who said it could be longer.

Good job overall.

This wasn't bad.  Well written, good story, ok characters.  Definitely hit the mark as far as the brief goes with the exception that it certainly was not microbudget.   A casket in a trap door under the bed is going to cost - no matter how you look at it.  Whether the story would work without it, is anyone's guess, however.  

Good job for an OWC.

This fit the criteria and flowed well. The story was interesting and the longline IMO is the best of the bunch.

Think the scene with the key being stolen needs a little clean up though, might be just me, but it read a little awkward. I don't think I pictured it how it's supposed to be pictured.

Good job.

The dialogue really needs a do-over.  I feel like so much good in this piece lost its impact because the dialogue was so cheesy and expository.  The very beginning for example.  Power's out, but there's a light on in room twelve.  That's a holy sh*t moment right there; I'm not kidding, I actually got chills.  But then the motel owner just passes it off, "oh, that room has always had an energy".  Boom, chills extinguished.

Then, when the woman starts talking about their dead daughter and the medium, I cringed.  So unnatural...

It had some good moments, and it'd work well on screen.  Just work on the dialogue.

Nice effort.

Generally a simple tale, a couple trapped in a haunted room with a pissed off demon. Tight and focused.

The reading from the journal was just too much though to buy into, especially as its been there 30years, but hey this is an OWC.

Sorry to repeat but the end is when it lost me as we'll. One option, not low budget, would be their daughter to be the solution, she appears to defend them. Need a re gig for that but the journal was too on the nose for me. Aso play up on the wife's inability to move on after the loss of child, maybe with a more suspicious, dis beleiveing husband. You do use some but a but more throughout would work. The different methods of grief could serve well to add tension.

His death at the end I didn't like, but that's a personal thing.

Good effort considering the restrictions and time.

If this isn’t written by who I think then I promise to shave my head when the authors are revealed… hopefully I’m right because I kinda like my hair.

Anyway, moving on to the story which is isn’t bad at all. You’ve created quite a creepy little tale here especially with the limitations but I think you’ve blown the budget a bit.

It started off nicely and got straight into the action although I do question Boris' reaction to finding out the light is on in room 12, he’s almost egging Stephen on. What I mean is, for him to say this room never loses power and that they never let anyone stay in there would pique anybody’s curiosity. A bit slack for someone trying to get this man away from the motel.

When they got into the room and found the blank bible and journal was the highlight here, really well handled, and kept me invested in the story. I even like the exposition here about the daughter even though the dead child thing is tad overused nowadays but tough challenges sometimes call for simple solutions. Did it slow down the pace or harm the creepy factor going on… probably, but to keep in line with the restrictions, it’s what you had to do.

I was a bit curious about Boris in this middle section, he saw the key gone and got all dressed up so I thought he was to going to help these people in dire trouble, but he ended up sitting down and having a glass of whiskey. It was almost like he knew what was coming, that Stephen was going to release the demon.

I like that Stephen sacrificed himself to save his wife but sawing off his hand was maybe a little close to another movie which had the same predicament. Maybe there’s another way to go about this… something to think about.  I’m guessing by doing what he did, it released the demon from some spell keeping it contained in that room and hence the finale with Boris.

But this made Boris’ actions before even the more questionable, if he knew this was possible then why didn’t he try to help them? The final showdown could be given some more, would have been nice to see Boris at least put up a fight but hey, you can only fit so much in 12 pages. I think you could easily expand on this to make it a much stronger story.

I’m not even going to bother with the writing, it’s good like always and I only spotted a few little things anyway. If I had a complaint, it would be the dialogue which is a little sketchy at times but this is a first draft and that’s what re-writes are for.

A fine piece here, definitely in my top 5 so far.

Great work.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Steve

It's interesting that there are a lot of entries that feature a motel with one evil room that won't be rented out because of some past supernatural evil.  I've always wondered why those rooms were even still there?  Or if someone somehow died in them why, like, was there no investigation or something?  I dunno, just a thought.  Or why would the key to the room be hanging on the rack if Boris didn't have any intention on ever renting it out?

The ending didn't work for me at all since Boris was an afterthought for much of the story and all of a sudden he's the central character against this demon.

The middle part I liked.  I think you really took advantage of the motel room and used it to its full potential to create some really creepy occurrences.

The back story with the kid I didn't fully get.  Was she possessed?  And was it 6 months ago?  Why haven't they been home in 6 months?  I may have missed something but that went over my head.  I liked how it played into the story toward the end but up until then I wasn't too sure.

Overall it's a good job.

Greg

One of the best first pages I've read so far. I had high hopes after that, but it kind of went downhill from there. Great writing but after a while the narrative started leading me by the nose, a bit forced and sometimes the dialogue stated what was already obvious through subtext.

The cuts to the lobby weren't effective, they only slowed things down and I'm not sure why they were even there. I feel like I missed some connection between the couple and the manager, and really there should be. It's either the manager's story or it's the couple's story, you can't have it both ways unless they're tied together.

Some great writing, hit-and-miss storytelling, stop-and-go pacing, but the tone really hit the mark. Overall, it's got loads of potential and could be really something with a rewrite. Good job.

While I liked the story, I thought that the dialog was on-the-nose and forced.  The final entry in the journal told us everything we needed to know in fifteen seconds.  The final conversation, on the last page was the same.  You don't need to tell us everything at the beginning.  Sometimes, you don't even have to tell us everything at all.

SPOILER SPACE
                   SPACE
                        SPACE

Why would Boris leave the key to room 12 where anyone can just grab it?  Why not hide it?  Or destroy it?  Leaving it out like that reminds of the scene in Monsters vs. Aliens where you see that the red button for the coffee machine is right next to the red button to launch the nukes.  In MvA, this was meant to instill humor.  In this script, it only welcomes cliched disaster.


Phil

This one read very easily and I enjoyed it from the start... although the ending between Boris and the Demon, I felt was unnecessary.

It would also have worked better if we found out more about the daughter.

BUt overall a good entry

Mark

A solid job. Would look great on film.

The dialogue was fine at the start but it slowly just started becoming lazy and made you cringe. The last line by the demon was nicely executed.

The story has been told many times before but I thought the ending was different, which gave it a nice take on the genre.

A small clean up would benefit this greatly.

My grade: B-.

A Light In Room Twelve by - A couple seek refuge in a motel during a hurricane, despite the inn keeper's warnings.
Brief - desperate couple seeks to regain their deceased child’s spirit from a corpse buried under a motel room.

Locations & Sets  -  Exterior, motel @ night. Interior, motel lobby @ night. Interior, motel room @ night. Interior, motel office @ night. Interior, casket location
Actors  -  Stephen (33), Boris (72), Maggie (30), grey arm from under the bed/ old witch
Costumes  -  priest costume, witch’s costume
Props  -  flashlight, CRT TV w/ set top antenna, Bible, Stephen’s “bag”, flashlights x 2, journal w/ red ribbon, Mary Magdalene statue, votive candles, rosary beads, whiskey bottle, hanging wall mirror, hunting knife, replacement carpet for the room, floorboards, trap door, faux dust, casket, decayed corpse, incense + thurible w/ chain, oozing black, smoke machine, wallet sized girl photo, prosthetic wrist, liquid stage blood, towel
Audio FX  -  Storm wind sounds, door slam, latch click, door bell jingle, Boris screams
Visual FX  - red glowing witch eyes
Other  -  Hurricane wind&rain stock video, car, outside rain effect over parking lot, grey make up, heavy duty wall hooks for mirror, drywall repair, thick mil plastic to protect room’s real carpet, ooze delivery system, faux vent, set aside for kicked door damage/replacement, makeup artist
Genre & Marketability - supernatural horror suspense
Comments  -  Don’t be so limiting specific with your building descriptions. Getting the manager to have all the lights off save one is going to be a hassle. By pg7 I already know this story cannot justify the budget; reading from here on is pure charity on my behalf for story’s sake rather than thoughtful analysis. You are not going to get anything to bounce off a window in a micro budget short unless you have some pretty keen CGI skills. You’re also not going to find wooden floors with a crawlspace beneath beneath them, either. Bouncing furniture off windows and cutting away carpets to reveal wooden floorboards with doorways to spaces below a motel room are exactly how you begin to understand the difference between writing pie-in-the-sky stories and stories that are budget minded = likely to be produced. Sawing off a hand is not likely to lead to death. Script format: needs work. Final word: Nice action, but cost prohibitive missable story.

$5,000 - $7,000  Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/ 10.7 Screenplay Pages
= $467 - $654  Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Odd but interesting character(s) - nope
take refuge from a hurricane - yep
in a beat-up motel - yep
and are forced to make a choice - nope, they are not forced
between good or evil - not really
in order to survive the night. - nope
Each character must -
have some history involving a supernatural event in their lives - yep
that factors into their choice. - no choice to be made
Genre is open. - supernatural horror suspense
This is a micro-budget short, - nope
so no destruction of the motel, - nope, but will have to build an off-site artificial floor
no children or animals - yep
and minimal special effects. - yep
BONUS! Story also included:
mime(s) - nope
dinosaur(s) - nope

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WBdeA3ZfngPz7NfJg_5DSBUFsZXkicfyNQHRc8Bg2SQ/edit

* Spoilers*

Probably in my top five or so.  I enjoyed the story - competantly written, with an engaging backstory.  It *did* fall flat for me on the last page...felt like the info with Boris and the Demon came out of nowhere.  To improve this one, I'd personally suggest adding more hints of the ending into the rest of the story.

Other suggestions - have the couple more excited/alarmed as things start to go awry (they seem almost too calm, over things like not being able to leave the room.)  And Stephen REALLY seemed to jump the gun.  If it were me, I'd need a HECK of alot more convincing before killing myself by sawing off my own arm..

My two cents, FWIW.    

The writing is handled with true craftsmanship. No doubt about that.

The story does some things very well, others I'm not sure yet. I think again we have the problem of too many parameters for the OWC causing issues. The writer seems at times to be struggling with checking them all off the list, and the result is that maybe there is too much going on here for a short.

My biggest question was why does Boris the priest, who wants to keep people out of the room, keep a key hanging behind the desk within reach? He said he never rents the room. I don't mean to nitpick, but that''s kind of a big thing.

Being trapped in the room, that part I liked. Tension ramped up nicely at that point. The girl leaving a journal about what happened to her, I really liked that too. Though I think more should be done with that on rewrite.

The baby in the parents home part, that felt thrown in just to meet the supernatural requirement. I'd ditch that.

Strong writing, some moments of well developed tension, a cool basic concept. When freed from OWC constraints, this one could round into shape.

This is one the best I've read so far, although it did have a few issues.  

The key has been mentioned by most and I agree with them.

I think perhaps the other issues I have were due to time/page restrictions.  Stephen is quick to search and room and open the casket but then just as quick to retreat to the bathroom.  I was a little confused by Maggie and Stephen talking about the medium and referring to the journal, I gather the medium is someone they talk to about their own loss?

Anyway this was a decent read.