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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2012 One Week Challenge  ›  Room 107 - 10/12 OWC
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  Author    Room 107 - 10/12 OWC  (currently 3509 views)
DV44
Posted: October 24th, 2012, 11:07am Report to Moderator
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I need to apologize to you. I gave a bad review in which I deleted, not fully understanding that the bankrobbers were not actually superhereos. For some reason my mind must have drifted off and I got confused. Anyways, I read the script a second and I must say it makes so much more sense to me now. It actually grew on me and I liked it a lot. The writing was good, dialogue flowed nicely in and out of the action. I didn't care much for the voodoo but I understand you had to get the supernatural aspect integrated into the story. Overall a good job, with a little rewriting it could be something great. Congrats on the OWC.
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irish eyes
Posted: October 24th, 2012, 4:18pm Report to Moderator
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Well this was ... Different

Robbers dressed on superhero outfits...

To be honest I was completley lost, batman and catwoman disappeared half way through... Spiderman is singing to an AXel rose riff, even though he is a singer and you had no slug or mini slug for music playing..

This was borderline ridiculous for me sorry

Mark


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nawazm11
Posted: October 25th, 2012, 3:58am Report to Moderator
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Didn't really see a story here, the ending didn't make a lot of sense to me, not really sure what happened.

I liked the costumes, thought it was a pretty good way to not make the story confusing. It felt a little forced that they somehow stumbled into the motel where there were two Indians about to make a sacrifice. If that's what actually happened?

Agree with LC that this was entertaining for the writer to write but not as much for the reader.

My grade: C but take that lightly.
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mcornetto
Posted: October 26th, 2012, 3:37am Report to Moderator
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I thought this was pretty creative and strange.   However, I'm not certain if it's a pisstake or not.  Certainly I don't think anyone wouldl expect trademark comics characters to attract the attention of microbudget filmmakers unless they are used in a fair use sort of situation.  I don't think this script qualifies as fair use - even though it approaches satire.

It did end rather abruptly but it wasn't badly written.  So good on ya, whoever you are, for getting a script together - just enough - for this OWC  
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RayW
Posted: October 26th, 2012, 1:47pm Report to Moderator
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Room 107 by - Bank robbers make a pit stop to a remote hotel on their way to Mexico.
Brief - Voodoo bank robbers stop at Native American motel, bedlam ensues.

Locations & Sets  -  Exterior, motel parking lot @ day. Interior, motel lobby @ evening. Exterior, motel room @ night. Interior, motel room @ night. Interior, car @ night
Actors  -  DOC (45), JOE (, CATWOMAN (, BATMAN (, FLASH (, SPIDERMAN (
Costumes  -  Indian feather hat, Joe’s suit and tie, catwoman & batman costumes
Props  -  dead bloody CHICKEN, rusty steel barrel, rocking chair, pipe + tobacco, liquid stage blood, M16(AR15), TEC-9, duffel bag, voodoo doll necklace, Beretta pistol, office desk items, motel guest book, carton of milk + missing person’s image attached, small table, hand claws, under dash wires
Audio FX  -  thunderclap, winds howling, rain on pavement, door creak, pistol shots, car engine start, rain on car, wiper sounds,
Visual FX  -  pistol flashes + smoke + ejections
Other  - fire fuel, lighter, create light to heavy rain effect in the daytime across a parking lot, car for some front-end damage, barrel mess clean up, insurance to cover door damage from kicking, messing up a real motel’s office area isn’t going to be a small request, red glow from room windows, shop fan, rip wire set up, crash padding for dual fall, lighting to create claw silhouette
Genre & Marketability - Supernatural action
Comments  -  Delete that opening sentence & it’s dog. Kinda hard to hold anything near a raging fire. Daytime waterworks and crashing cars are exactly how you begin to understand the difference between writing pie-in-the-sky stories and stories that are budget minded = likely to be produced. Re the costumes - Homework for you: Fair use (U.S. trademark law). Learn it. Nice dialog between Flash and Spiderman while they wait. Good light action. Turn off your screenwriting program’s mores and continueds feature. Umm... are we missing an ending here? This is more of an opening sequence or a segment from within a complete story. Script format: needs work. Final word: Nice action, but missable supernatural angle and good or evil choice.

$5,000 - $7,000  Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/ 10.8 Screenplay Pages
= $  Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Odd but interesting character(s) - only Flash, otherwise nope
take refuge from a hurricane - not really
in a beat-up motel - yep
and are forced to make a choice -nope
between good or evil - certainly not
in order to survive the night. - nope
Each character must -
have some history involving a supernatural event in their lives - only Flash
that factors into their choice. - no choice to be made
Genre is open. - Supernatural action
This is a micro-budget short, - nope
so no destruction of the motel, - yep
no children or animals - chickens are animals, dope
and minimal special effects. - yep
BONUS! Story also included:
mime(s) - nope
dinosaur(s) - nope

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WBdeA3ZfngPz7NfJg_5DSBUFsZXkicfyNQHRc8Bg2SQ/edit



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wonkavite
Posted: October 26th, 2012, 8:30pm Report to Moderator
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There were parts of this that I actually liked alot - the idea of the fugitives wearing superhero costumes...and some of the banter was really quite fun (Spiderman: Let it be noted - this is a bad idea.)

But things seemed to get confused as the script went on.  What the heck was it with Flash's obession with Vanatu?  And by the end, things seemed to go completely off the rails.  What was exactly the evil that descended on them - and were Doc and Joe involved at all?

So - kudos for the colorful characters.  But this one missed the mark for me...  

Cheers,

--Janet (Wonka)
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jwent6688
Posted: October 27th, 2012, 9:57am Report to Moderator
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This is written well enough, but I don't think it hit the challenge parameters very well and I was left befuddled at the end.

I guess you could argue that Flash's Vanatu gave one of them some sort of supernatural backstory. I guess Spidey made an evil decision???

Anyway, I think there were too many characters here for twelve pages. Catwoman and Batman were throw away characters. I didn't get what Joe and Doc's whole plan was by creating the storm. Did they know the bank robbers where headed their way? Did they want to steal the money?

Good job entering the OWC.

James


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Leon
Posted: October 27th, 2012, 2:20pm Report to Moderator
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There was a lot of energy here, and a whole heap of crazy.  Probably not really my kind of humour, but i liked the superhero setup.  I found the constant 'Vantu' repetitive, but i guess i can see how people might find this funny.

There was a high level of energy though out this script,  I found it a little manic, and I couldn't really feel any building tension.

Joe and Doc weren't really explained clearly. Flash can use a bit of magic too. Joe's in the back of the car. Quite Hectic.  

Good job.


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RJ
Posted: October 28th, 2012, 5:09am Report to Moderator
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For the most part I liked this, but wanted more from Flash with Vanatu defeating Doc - thought there might have been a good showdown there. In the end I'm not sure how I feel about this one. I wanted to say it was good, but you left me hanging - no ending.......

Good job though.
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dogglebe
Posted: November 5th, 2012, 6:11pm Report to Moderator
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I thought the writing, here could be a lot tighter.  The opening sequence could've been cut by half.  It just went on and on.  The initial description of the hotel was just so wrong:


Quoted Text
It’s not the Hilton, but a truck driver earning minimum wage
might find it comfy enough. If he’s that desperate.


Tell us what the hotel is, not what it ain't.  It's a run-down hotel tyhat hasn't seen a paint brush in thirty or forty years.

When you said that Doc was an Indian, I immediately thought a person from India and not a Native American.  Was I the only one?

I didn't find the characters interesting at all.  You caught my attention when I read that they were wearing superhero costumes, but you did nothing with that.  I lost interest in them right away.  And when you don't care about the characters, you don't care what happens to them.

The ending fell flat with me.  It felt like you didn't have a real ending and just wrapped it up.  Very anti-climactic.

Hope this helps.


Phil
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