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I liked this more than most of the other reviewers. I didn't mind the slow build and I thought you described the characters of Brian and Megan very well, especially the toll that this possession has taken on both of them.
But, what with the multitude of priests and exorcisms in this owc, I suppose I was hoping for a different storyline. When the crucifix burned the nun's hand, I was thinking that the seemingly affable Brian had something terrible in mind for his guests. But then the voodoo happened and the exorcism and everything pretty much resolved itself. Very odd ending with Bobby Jack asking "What's for breakfast", considering Brian's wife has just died.
A solid, creepy first half that unfortunately went off the rails in the latter half. For a rewrite, maybe reduce the number of characters and make Brian a wolf in sheep's clothing.
INT. ROOM NUMBER ONE - MORNING, mistakes in your opening scene heading hint at a serious rush job or lack of a once over before submitting. Where is this room?
The slow intro may echo the drudgery that is Brian's life, but a little more economy of words would make this an easier read. Commentary and asides just interrupt the flow.
Mild intrigue at Megan's 'condition' and room thirteen needs to be worked here to maximum effect.
Don't understand why the crucifix would burn Sister Francene?
Eight pages in and there should be a stronger hint at a supernatural past. Opportunities to foreshadow and misdirect are sacrificed at the expense of too many characters.
Too many exterior scenes, in a supposed hurricane setup.
Far too much exposition by Sister Francene.
The idea was okay, but the plot and ending missed the mark.
Again, too many characters. Strip down to Brian, his wife, a priest and a nun. Everyone else just got in the way and kept you from telling a good story.
Instead of telling what happened in room 13, show us. You don't have to give it all away at the beginning, but maybe the wife has bits and pieces of flashbacks. By the time you're ready for the exorcism, the flahbacks bring us up to speed.
Show more of the exorcism. You don't need big FX, just a big ending.
Good effort, but needs rewrite and focus. As do most of these - mine included.
It took a while to get going and when it did finally heat up, I was kinda disappointed with the ending. And I have to admit to hating the last scene with them all holding hands and walking into the sunset with the snoring douche asking what was for breakfast - that needs to go, IMO.
The first six pages were very wasteful, to much time setting it all up and there was way too many characters to keep track of in such a short period. This script also moved around too much for me, going from room to room, outside and the lobby. By the time the story got the nitty gritty I was almost about ready to chuck in the towel.
So after finally get into the story, it was revealed that Megan was possessed and liked this aspect but it was ruined by so much exposition which needed to be thrown out quick because you were running out of pages. This again comes down to the slow opening, if you can cut down the beginning, then this exposition can come out more naturally or better yet, visually.
The writing was pretty decent, if not overwritten at times. Some odd lines which came off awkward but this may have been down to some missing words which is normal in a first draft.
Honestly, somewhere after page 8 this just fell apart. It's a shame beause I thought the ending would be a lot less cliched and dull.
I felt the whole story didn't really lead to anything, it just happened. It wasn't fulfilling in any way and there was no real reason for this to happen.
Honestly, a lot of the characters can be cut really easily. If you really wanted to, you could tell the story with Brian, Megan and the priest.
A good start but it just trailed off and became a total mess.
I'm going to agree with Darren and Ryan here, and also venture to say that I even liked it more than they did. Storywise, of course.
I think this is my favorite story and setup so far. But, as much as I love the story and setup, the execution and ending wasn't there. The writing wasn't bad, but it did get in the way from fully enjoying the great setup.
Of course, Janella and Bobby Jack really bring the script down and they seem comically out of place for such a sad story. And you end on them, which doesn't bode very well. (And, you name the story after something cheesy that Janella says.) And, it seems you made Janella kind of a hero. I think you can pull that off, but you'll have to get rid of Bobby Jack for that to be effective. Because of her interactions with Bobby Jack, she's coming off as whiny to us, rather than the hero she is in your mind.
I didn't understand why the crucifix all of a sudden burned the nun, either.
Everything happened too conveniently, (especially with Brian sleeping on a cot and the reverend asking him to sleep in his room, that felt like a cop out for setting things up the way you needed to and just didn't really make sense,) and you breezed over what could have been the most intense scene by having it as a quick MOS piece as an afterthought.
All that said, there is a ton of potential for a great, involving story here. But it needs to be free from the competition restraints and page count to be totally effective. Hope the writer sticks with this one after the competition.
Whilst this was well-written, I have to say this was the slowest read of the OWC for me. It was also, and I don't mean to be insulting here, extremely dull for the first 8 pages or so.
You need to liven up that beginning. And that ending with the two of them walking off into the sunset - a bit too cheesy.
So cut down on the characters and dialogue, up the excitement level and tension, and give it a better ending. Then you'll have an excellent script.
Good work for getting something together for this OWC.
Bad Juju by - When a hurricane approaches, residents of a flood prone homeless shelter seek refuge at The Hilltop Motel, but some will soon find out the storm isn't their greatest danger. Brief - A shitload of church people swarm over the budget and consume it to the bone!
Locations & Sets - Interior, motel room @ day. Interior, motele kitchenette @ day, Interior, motel lobby @ day. Exterior, motel room @ day Actors - MEGAN STRAUB (45), BRIAN STRAUB (55), REVEREND QUINTON MANSI (60), a line of people extras, SISTER FRANCENE (30), JANELLA HARRIS (40), BOBBY JACK WIGGINS (30), male CHURCH WORKER (30)... Costumes - Brian’s outfit, reverend’s outfit, Brian’s change of clothes, Sister’s outfit Props - Medical supplies fill wire shelves,walker, rehab equipment, faux dust covering, hospital bed, framed wedding photo, blender, tray, breakfast items, baby food bottle, stacks of unopened mail + several with “FINAL NOTICE” stamped in red, extras belongings, ledger, overnight supplies for church people, hygiene supplies, lunch bags + lunch for dozens, medium cardboard box, candles, matches, cot, cases of water bottles, Gaudy picture, large wall crucifix, Janella’s belonging, bag, Audio FX - wind gust, door slam Visual FX - Other - moving truck, makeup artist, ghastly body paint, van, shop fan Genre & Marketability - Supernatural drama, maybe. Comments - Acquiring, transporting, setting up set design and break down of that opening scene is going to bust the micro budget.”He places everything on a tray.” WTH is everything? Turn off your screenwriting program’s mores and continueds feature. This monster cast is detonating the budget. By pg3 I already know this story cannot justify the budget; reading from here on is pure charity on my behalf for story’s sake rather than thoughtful analysis. Rooms full of antiquated medical props and a cast of dozens are exactly how you begin to understand the difference between writing pie-in-the-sky stories and stories that are budget minded = likely to be produced. Okay, I’m quittin’ at pg9. Script format: fair. Final word: Unproduceably expensive for the story.
$10,000 - $12,000 Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range / 12 Screenplay Pages = $833 - $1,000 Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute
Adherence to Given Criteria: Odd but interesting character(s) - not before I quit reading there wasn’t take refuge from a hurricane - yep in a beat-up motel - yep and are forced to make a choice - I dunno between good or evil - I dunno in order to survive the night. - I dunno Each character must - have some history involving a supernatural event in their lives - probably that factors into their choice. - I dunno Genre is open. - Supernatural drama This is a micro-budget short, - Pfft. No. so no destruction of the motel, - I hope not no children or animals - probably not and minimal special effects. - probably not BONUS! Story also included: mime(s) - I dunno dinosaur(s) - I dunno
Um, I was really liking this one in terms of writing and colorful characters... through the first half. Granted, I was a little worried about the large cast of characters. Seemed too much for the micro-budget requirement. But I was interested, and curious where it was going.
THEN - the possession theme hit. And honestly, I'm not sure how the heck they all decided that she was possessed...especially her husband, Brian. What proof is provided in the script that would lead him to agree - all of a sudden - that his sick wife is possessed?
You totally lost me at that point. Which is a shame, because I was enjoying the writing on this as one of the better scripts up to that point.
Agree with most of the others on this one. I liked it most of the way through, but not the ending. Could have been a lot better. I loved the whole Bad Juju thing though, one of the more memorable ones due to that, I loved her character. Don't know whether you ran out of time to create a better ending. With a re-write this could be really good.
Page 1. I like what you have on this page, but I think you blew the budget with the medical equipment and hospital bed...
Marquee, not marquis.
Hanger, not hangar. You put planes in hangars.
Finished. This was GREAT!! The best one of the bunch I’d say. It fizzled a little on page 12, but over all I think you did a really great job. If I had read this one earlier, I would have voted for this one. Congratulations!!
Just wanted to thank everyone who took the time to read and comment. I live on the NJ Shore and we were battered by a hurricane this week so I wasn't able to chime in until now.
As all of you guessed, I totally lost control of this story. LOL. I wrote it quick and then had to smash in the end and it turned out ridiculous. Like a Scooby Doo episode. But I haven't written anything since April because I work all summer so this was a great way to get me started again.
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Bad Juju - 10/12 OWC
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