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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2012 One Week Challenge  ›  Room 3 - 10/12 OWC
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  Author    Room 3 - 10/12 OWC  (currently 4535 views)
Don
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 9:51pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Room 3 by Anonymous Regina - Short - A couple having an affair spend the night in a secluded motel and become involved in the affairs of other guests who are battling their own demons and demons from beyond. - pdf, format


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khamanna
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 11:53pm Report to Moderator
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The supernatural comes up too late for me - only on page 9. You don't keep me guessing and I wish you did.

I also wish you played on infidelity, made it part of the story. Otherwise I don't feel that it is this couple's story.
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CoopBazinga
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 1:31am Report to Moderator
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Firstly, Where the hell is the hurricane? Now I don't believe it had to be an integral part of the story but you've left it out completely... there wasn't even a light drizzle to speak of.

The story was pretty confusing and I have to admit to having no idea what this was all about. It seemed that some ghosts, a man and two women (who BTW do nothing throughout and serve no purpose) killed these people over money or because they dishonoured them. Who would have thought ghosts could get dishonoured like some mafia boss.

You just sneaked in about them having an affair near the end like it was a kinda of reveal but this info was in the logline - seemed like an odd place to me. They could have just been some married couple to be fair and the punishment they received could be different.

The character's didn't really do a lot for me either, some really odd behaviour from Daniel and Misti. They wanted to call the police which seems like a good decision but then Benny hands out a gun and suddenly it's "go time" Let's go and hunt some random people who just killed someone by touching them - I'm not in the least bothered by that because I have a gun now. Why don't we check out the dark office but not bother turning on the lights or ask where the owner is?

Some of your dialogue and action threw a curve ball at me and I had to stop and think. This was another factor that contributed to a confusing and hard read. Things like:

Ernest saying to 89 year old Addie that they got her "daddy" Huh? Maybe they were travelling around with a corpse to begin with, the guy must be like 105 at least?

"but the tears are of the alligator variety" I'm guessing you mean crocodile tears like he's faking but for a slight moment I thought he was turning into the the Lizard creature from the Spiderman series.

"turns away from the baby" Huh? What baby? - did I miss something?

These kind of things mixed in with an overdose of overwriting and a lots and lots of telling was really harming the read. And then there was times when a room was getting described but we were still outside the room, you need to change scenes for this... Misti might be able to see the room but we can't unless there is a P.O.V or change of scene.

As you can tell, I wasn't a fan and the fact that there was no hurricane really disappointed me. In fact, I don't know how many of the requirements were ticked off here. But anyway...

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Steve

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greg
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 2:04am Report to Moderator
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This really didn't hit the mark for me.  Most of what was going on here I just didn't get.  The ending I liked.  I like the punishments that were issued out, but I don't quite get why they were being punished, what connection they have to these things, and why most of the story were seemingly people just running around.

For a revision I think you should work backwards, because I did like that ending.  I didn't fully understand how we got there but I liked it.

Some of the descriptions also tended to really run on and give that overwritten feel to the story.  Cutting down on some of those may help.

There was good imagery here and there so I think this did have its moments.  It just needs more.

Greg


Be excellent to each other
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LC
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 2:08am Report to Moderator
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I think you had too many characters and a bit of a meandering plot in this one.

An entertaining enough beginning but it didn't really hold my interest.

Written competently, but I just feel you needed your first introduced characters to lead the way, and what with all the others including those in 'white' I admit to confusion, scanning ahead and ultimately giving up.

Sorry, I can't be a bit more constructive.


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nawazm11
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 5:31am Report to Moderator
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Let's hope Jeff leaves a kind comment on this one.

I get the feeling that this is one of your first scripts? Or you literally started writing it in the last hour before submitting?

I'll be honest and say this needs a huge clean up. The writing is very distracting, a lot of details that could be cut easily. I myself am a victim of this. The next time you write, just look at every sentence and think "Would it still make sense visually if I cut this out?".

The story was very confusing as well. If I understood it correctly, I'd suggest really fleshing out the idea you were trying to get across. Change it a little, make it more clearer, make it more dramatic. It needs to flow rather than be stale.

Good job on completing the OWC.

My grade: E but take that lightly.
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kingcooky555
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 6:55am Report to Moderator
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The author spends too much time trying to be formal with whole sentences. When you do that, you end up with blocky action lines. For example:

Ernest surveys the empty room and checks a few of the liquor
bottles and beer cans near him. They’re all empty. He stands
up and makes his way over to the mini-fridge. He grabs the
last beer and lights a cigarette.

Author uses four lines to find an empty room and grabs a beer. Why not -
Ernest finds beer cans, littered everywhere. All empty.  He opens the fridge, grabs the last beer, pops it open and ponders his next move. Or something like this, but cut down the description and keep the reader's eye going down the page.

Dialogue's ok for the most part.
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 9:22am Report to Moderator
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I agree with LC on the first comment. This had both a meandering plot and too many characters. I'll admit that I had fun with a down ending, but by then, you had kind of lost my interest.

It took too long to really get going and the huge blocks of text made it feel like a chore to read.

The story itself wasn't bad but it went way too slow and I don't believe you explained for certain what the people in white were. I think you suggested ghosts, but I can't be certain.

Anyway, not bad but not terribly good, either.

D+.



Revision History (1 edits)
Mr. Blonde  -  October 22nd, 2012, 10:39pm
Spelled anyway as "aynway".
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crookedowl
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 2:10pm Report to Moderator
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The beginning is entertaining, but I think the rest could be executed better. For one, there are too many characters, and they're kind of lacking in character development.

Some on the nose dialogue here and there. Like these:

ERNEST
These people that we knew were mad
at my brother, Adam. They were
supposed to pick up some money, but
he stiffed ‘em and they killed him.

(Same with Ernest's next dialogue.)

And this:

MISTI
Those people came here and just
touched her.

By now (page 6) it's getting kind of confusing. You have too many characters, so it's getting hard not to mix them up.

A few action lines could be written better. Like:

"As he walks by Ernest, he touches Ernest’s cheek, killing him."

Yes, you got the point across, but I think this could be described in a more visual way. Maybe Ernest's cheek melts, and he falls to the floor in agony...I dunno. This is just an example, as there are many parts that could be improved.

Overall this seems kind of rushed, but that's understandable with the deadline and all...

IMO, the man in white would be much more menacing if we don't really now who or what he is. You have a few lines where characters say things like "he's not human! He's a spirit!" which totally kills the mystery for me.

The checkbook is a cool idea, but I think man in white's dialogue could be executed better.

Formatting error on pg. 12. The man in white's dialogue carries over from the last page, but there's no CONT'D.

So anyway, I like your set up here, but it seemed very rushed and I was totally lost by the end. But like I said, you have a promising opening, so... I'd really like to see your next draft after the OWC.

Good job, and congrats on finishing the OWC.

Revision History (1 edits)
Mr. Blonde  -  October 22nd, 2012, 2:25pm
accidentally hit enter before my review was complete...
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 2:34pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry to repeat but I started to get lost, lose concentration etc Daniel and misty go outside, then decide to come back in etc, Daniel goes out, he comes back etc just needs a tighten and some focus.

As mentioned before I don't see a hurricane, which really should be a main driver.

All the best.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 7:45pm Report to Moderator
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OK, last few to go.  As I read...

Uh oh...we start with a 5 line passage ending in a totally usless, lonely, little orphan.  Poor beginning.

Next passage is very poor and all of a sudden, the motel has become a hotel.  Getting worse.

Oh boy, now we have x ray vision to see the nakedness of this man and woman.

I always wanted to use the very difficult description of "multi-oolered highlights in her hair".  Normally, I'd stop here, but I have to go on...without anymore as I go notes, or I'll never complete this.

Thank you for the constant updates on exactly what everyone is wearing.  It really helps move this plot forward.

Up to page 5.  Really, really bad so far.  The dialogue, the actions, the "story", everything...and where's the frickin' hurricane?

I have to quote this classic line - "Daniel does the most searching, Misti is distracted." - nice.  I'm very confused why Daniel and Misti would go on this search after having sex in their room.  On a scale of 1 -187, 1 being the least likely to making sense, this comes in at a 1.1.

"Misti explodes." - Oh boy, that ain't gonna be cheap.  Oh wait, she didn't actually explode, it was just a wasted line.

The baby?  What baby?

I have absolutely no clue what's going on.  This is awesome!  I love it.

The End.

Ok...well, I'm sorry to say this but, I think this nosedives right to the bottom off the barrel - easily one of the worst scripts so far.  I see you have an E from Mo, and I'd imagine an F from Mr. Blonde.

Sorry for this, but there's no sugarcoating this and you need to be aware of the shortcomings in this script.  Read scripts, ask questions, and most importantly, don't give up.  Thank youu for entering.  



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albinopenguin
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 11:29pm Report to Moderator
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dafaq did i just read?

way too convoluted for me to follow. but first and foremost, theres no hurricane. so it's immediately disqualified from the running.

but congrats on completing an entry. this was a tough challenge. hopefully you can revise this and salvage it a bit once you're given free reign. then again, you didn't follow the restraints anyways.


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danbotha
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 11:57pm Report to Moderator
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I don't know about this. To be honest, I wasn't able to get through it, stopped on Page 9. For me, there was simply too much going on in a short amount of time.

Dunno, it might be the way I read it, but things happened way too fast and I ended up getting lost. Too many characters in so little space, IMO.

I'm going to be returning to all the OWC scripts I've read for a more in-depth review, so this isn't the last you hear from me. Mwahahahahahaha

Dan


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DV44
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Should've least mention something about a hurricane but I agree with some of the others, the story became a little confusing at times and I believe you got caught up in trying too describe too much. I think with a little more time this script could be very good but maybe you were pressed for time. Congrats on writing the OWC.
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Ryan1
Posted: October 23rd, 2012, 3:37pm Report to Moderator
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Slowly paced and not much action.  No hurricane.  Some very clunky phrasing:

"Misti glances inside the room and sees a limp body on a bed covered in large sores that ooze pus."

Sounds like the bed itself is covered with sores.

Found my attention drifting after a few pages.  Finished it, but I don't know what the point was.
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irish eyes
Posted: October 23rd, 2012, 6:47pm Report to Moderator
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I tried reading and then I read the feedback..... So not to cover too much that's already been wrote... but waaaayyyy over written especially for a short and of course the lack of hurricane and possible storyline didn't help

Good job on entering

Mark


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mcornetto
Posted: October 23rd, 2012, 7:02pm Report to Moderator
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My guess is that you're pretty new to screenwriting.

This was a very slow read.  Too many details.  You need to condense what you're writing and leave out descriptions of what isn't essential to the story.

And your dialogue is the same.  You say way too much with your dialogue which gives pretty much the entire script an on the nose feel.  Condense that too.  Leave out things you can expect an intelligent reader to deduce.

I think you have too many characters as well.  Why couldn't it be one other person that Benny has to let them have - an important person.  This way you can rely on one strong relationship to tell that part of the story rather than several weaker relationships.  So condense your characters as well.

The problem I have with the men in white is that they come off as some sort of morality police.  That made them of this world rather than spiritual for me.   I'm not certain how you might want to fix that but that aspect did not work for me.  Needless to say I didn't like the ending.


Good on ya for getting a script together for the OWC.



    
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Grandma Bear
Posted: October 25th, 2012, 2:48pm Report to Moderator
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Page 1. Quite wordy introduction. Also, why haven't Daniel only had his 1st name but the woman have the last name as well as the 1st name? Or did you just think that Misty Dawn sounded cool?

Is it imported to the story that her earrings are on the nightstand? The only reason I am asking is because you have a lot of descriptions that in my opinion are not necessary and just slows down the read.

By the way, where is the hurricane?

Page 2. So, Benny wears a black Confederate T-shirt, we'll see how that plays into this story. I'm assuming you want us to think he's a racist southern redneck or something.

Page 3. You were doing fine, but on this page thing seems to be getting stupid. We have a dead body on the bed and we also have Ernest with blood and sores on him and then Misty says " are they okay though?". Really?

Page 4. Ernest don't seem too upset about their friend being dead does he.

I am wondering if there is a reason that the woman has to be so old. Might be hard to find an actress that age…

I am on page 8 and right now I'm thinking there's a lot of stupid stuff going on here and why are they always going back and forth to the outside until somebody says " we should go back" and where's the hurricane???

I have to be honest, this story didn't really grab me. My mind started wandering around page 4 or so. If I was the producer looking for scripts with the criteria for this OWC your script would not be considered, I'm sorry to say. One of the reason would be completely omitting the hurricane. It was also a confusing story and none of the characters really spoke to me. They said and did dumb things all the time. I'm sorry.  


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DaveTroop
Posted: October 25th, 2012, 4:21pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats on finishing the OWC!

I had a hard time reading this script.  You didn't keep my attention and I actually fell asleep trying to finish it.  The good news...I had a very nice dream about being on an island of milfs...

Who were the people in white?  People who murder fornicators by giving them  extreme acne?  

Where was the hurricane?  The only person who got wet was Misti.

Thanks for playing.
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RayW
Posted: October 26th, 2012, 2:07pm Report to Moderator
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Room 3 by - A couple having an affair spend the night in a secluded motel and become involved in the affairs of other guests who are battling their own demons and demons from beyond.
Brief - It’s like... the SNL Coneheads, dressed in white, have come to Earth to collect a debt from some rednecks, get stiffed, afflict the rednecks with giant pus pockets, go hide in the bushes, then come back and kill them with a touch, while two idiots go searching around outside for them, and... IDK. Fuck me. That’s just crazy.

Locations & Sets  -  Exterior, motel @ night. Interior, motel room @night. Exterior, motel grounds @ night
Actors  - A MAN IN WHITE (53) and two women, DANIEL (34), MISTI DAWN (30), BENNY (49), ERNEST (43), ADDIE (89)
Costumes  -  White suit, white dress x2, hoodie and sweats, dress shirt + pants + dress shoes
Props  -  low wattage bulb, mens wedding band, bar fly tramp accoutrements, black Confederate flag T-shirt for ruin, liquid stage blood, beer cans, hard liquor bottles, syringes, a myriad of food wrapper clutter, multiple large puss blister prosthetics, puss ooze, large caliber pistol, beer, cigarette + lighter, cellphone
Audio FX  -  muffled crashes + inhuman screams
Visual FX  -  
Other  -  smoke/fog machine + juice, makeup artist
Genre & Marketability - Supernatural scifi suspense drama
Comments  -  “A series of inhuman CRASHES and SCREAMS...” Really?! Inhuman crashes?! How about instead “A series of CRASHES and inhuman SCREAMS”. More betterer. Will try to make one booked room look like both room 3 & 6 to save budget expense. Going to be kinda hard to see blood and sweat on a black Confederate flag T-shirt at night, juno? Set design is starting to drift off budget with room 3. You’ve pretty much killed the budget with casting.
MISTI
Let’s hope we don’t miss!
“Weeeee” will not be firing a single pistol, beyotch!
Some of the dialog is on the nose pugilistic painful to read. By pg8 and Benny and Daniel are having a confab out on the motel grounds in the dark I’m wondering if there’s even a hurricane at all in this story.
Pg9:
Misti explodes.
In tears, right? Please be right. Please, please, please...
Pg9:
The man, without emotion or hesitation, turns away from the
baby and starts for the door.
What?! What “baby”? Did I miss something here? WTF... ?!
Alright, I’m stopping at pg 10.
Script format: needs work. Final word: Story’s just unusably weird.

I think this is the author: http://tinyurl.com/987w6nx

$ - $  Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range - Doesn’t even fucking matter
/ Screenplay Pages Who cares
= $  Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute Pickle, chicken, 3, abacus, Zeus!!!  Whatever.

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Odd but interesting character(s) -
take refuge from a hurricane -
in a beat-up motel -
and are forced to make a choice -
between good or evil -
in order to survive the night. -
Each character must -
have some history involving a supernatural event in their lives -
that factors into their choice. -
Genre is open. -
This is a micro-budget short, -
so no destruction of the motel, -
no children or animals -
and minimal special effects. -
BONUS! Story also included:
mime(s) -
dinosaur(s) -

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WBdeA3ZfngPz7NfJg_5DSBUFsZXkicfyNQHRc8Bg2SQ/edit



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Felipe
Posted: October 26th, 2012, 3:54pm Report to Moderator
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Right off the bat I can see this has way too much unnecessary description. You should tell us what matters and move along.

I believe the two women warrant capitalization just as A MAN IN WHITE does.

Telling us that there is a man and a woman naked and out of breath under the sheets feels a little sloppy. There are ways to get the point across with less words.

A wedding band hugs his left ring finger = he wears a wedding band.

You don't need to go crazy with the prose. Every once in a while it's good to add a little character, but too much and it bogs the read down to a halt and distracts from the story.

The "that" joke was a little cheesy to me, but I guess it could work for others.

Things just got even more improbably when the couple found dead and injured people and said things like "I think we should call the cops." Most people would be freaking out in that situation. They all look way too calm considering there is a dead body on the bed.

Overall, this story was not for me. Characters didn't seem to have their own voice as reactions to things always ended up surprising me.

The writing is clear, though way overwritten. You have talent with words, but you need to cut it down when editing your scripts. Thanks for submitting and congrats!


'Artist' is not a term you should use to refer to yourself. Let others, and your work, do it for you.
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RJ
Posted: October 28th, 2012, 8:40pm Report to Moderator
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Well, this was a hard read due to overdescription. Cut, cut and cut some more. Every detail does not need to be explained, but I've only learnt this recently too. There is defenitley a nice little story in there some where.

Good effort.
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dogglebe
Posted: October 29th, 2012, 11:33am Report to Moderator
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The dialog dragged this script to a gringing halt.  It's wordy and artificial and it just doesn't stop.  The conversation when Misti and Dan meet Benny found out what happened in the room shouldn't have been more than a few lines.  It seemed to go on forever.

Read your dialog aloud.  You'll see how artificial it sounds.

If you tighten things up, the pagecount of this script could easily be half of what it is.


Phil
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DanBall
Posted: November 1st, 2012, 3:39pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, so I wrote this. Sorry for the disappointment.

Most people just gave their honest opinions, saying they couldn't read the whole thing or found it confusing. That's cool. Your voices built the consensus, even if it was an unfavorable one and I appreciate that. But one or two of you beat a dead horse and then went after the owner. (Granted, some have apologized for that, which was cool and class.)


"I remember a time of chaos. Ruined dreams. This wasted land. But most of all, I remember The Road Warrior. The man we called 'Max'."

THE PINBALL WARRIOR (scifi, WIP, ~30 pg.)
A STAND AGAINST EVIL (short, 9 pg.)
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DV44
Posted: November 2nd, 2012, 2:13pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Danball-

No need to say you're sorry for your script being a disappointment. Everybody had hits and misses throughout their scripts. It's a learning process. I can't speak for you but I'm a newbie when it comes to writing and my OWC script had its fair criticism as well. Best thing to do is continue to write and it will eventually come to you and you'll look back at this script and laugh. I've read some of your reviews and you seem like an intelligent guy possiblly just starting out or maybe you were pressed for time. Anyways best of luck - Dirk
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DanBall
Posted: November 2nd, 2012, 2:24pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Face! (yeah, I know your name's Dirk)


"I remember a time of chaos. Ruined dreams. This wasted land. But most of all, I remember The Road Warrior. The man we called 'Max'."

THE PINBALL WARRIOR (scifi, WIP, ~30 pg.)
A STAND AGAINST EVIL (short, 9 pg.)
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DV44
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Face, Diggler or Nowitski - it all works for me!
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DanBall
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Quoted from Dreamscale
Dan, I think you're missing the point here.

We all know that an OWC doesn't give much time for anything, especially fine tuning one's script.  But, most of the time, the writer will post a response to the feedback and address certain issues, as in what he/she was thinking, what was a downright mistake and why it was made, or thanks for catching various mistakes that the writer didn't even realize were mistakes.


I'll admit I should've been more thankful for the mistakes that were pointed out by all. It was extremely useful and I'm an ingrate for not acknowledging something I had every intent of using in my rewrites. I didn't respond because I'd already submitted the script, people didn't really go for it, so I didn't think it was really worth defending at that point. What was done was done. Had my story actually worked and people just missed something that I'd hidden intentionally, I might've addressed that. But it was largely flawed, so I just thought I'd study all the notes and fix it later.


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For instance, you had a line in your script about a baby, and both Ray and I brought that up, saying, basically, "WTF?".


Yeah, that was a mistake. The old woman was a baby at first, until I was proofreading right before I submitted it and realized that a criterion was no children. I suppose I could've passed it off using a dummy baby prop and sound FX, but I wasn't sure how many people would think along those lines or if it could even work in the context of my script. So I swapped it with an old woman and, tried replacing all references to a baby with refs to the old woman. Thanks to you guys, you sniffed out a reference that I missed. Ergo, negative feedback +1.


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In Felipe's OWC, I (and I think another 1 or 2 peeps) mentioned that his main character was buttass nude the entire script.  Felipe responded that he forgot and mentioned why he forgot, which was totally cool and understandable...No one likes getting negative feedback, but there are times (most times, actually) when negative feedback actually helps a whole Hell of alot more than glowing praise, when praise shouldn't be thrown out.


Oh, I'm cool with negative feedback. It keeps a body humble and it points out glaring mistakes that I miss--like the baby. I have no problem with that and I'm glad to get it.

The problem I have is that some people just go too far with giving negative feedback. A majority of the people who have shared their opinions on Room 3 were extremely civil and decent, even if a few of them didn't mention a single positive thing about my story. That's fine. I have no problem with those folks. They're what make this place a great resource.

What bugs me is when people get sarcastic and sour in their negative feedback for no reason. You and Ray did that. You owned up to it, so that's cool. I'm willing to let that go. But Ray insulted me, called me a redneck through a very disturbing pic, and seemed to disregard the fact that I'm also a writer who put a lot of work into a script. Why should I be cool with that? IMO, no one should be.


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Everyone makes mistakes.  That's totally understandable.  The problem is that mistakes are simply that - something that wasn't supposed to be written the way it was.  The way you learn is when you find out things you didn't know or realize were actually mistakes.


I know.


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Feedback is meant to help, not hurt.  Sometimes it doesn't come off that way, and I for one know damn well I could say things in a more positive way or be "softer" in my words.


And the fact that you acknowledge you could've been softer made your feedback softer, in my book. It was admirable that you took responsibility for that. I respect you even more now. I tried taking up my beef in private with Ray through a very civil and decent PM before I said anything publicly about it. I even gave Ray a few days to respond. When I didn't hear anything, I figured I was being ignored, so I didn't see any reason to hold back from returning the favor.


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Don't hate the reviewer unless what he or she says is complete horseshit, or downright incorrect.  We're all trying to learn and help at the same time.


I know. I'm just not convinced that everyone else here realizes we're all in the same boat. If I give negative feedback, I always try to give some kind of brutally-kind encouragement to go with my brutal honesty. We're trying to build each other up here, after all. It's just frustrating that some people can't be bothered to adhere to that ideal. Rather than abide with the insults, I'm speaking up about them and standing up to the people that make them.

In summary, I like negative feedback that's constructive and doesn't get personal. When it gets personal, I get pissed because there's no excuse for it and it detracts from the quality of the community.


"I remember a time of chaos. Ruined dreams. This wasted land. But most of all, I remember The Road Warrior. The man we called 'Max'."

THE PINBALL WARRIOR (scifi, WIP, ~30 pg.)
A STAND AGAINST EVIL (short, 9 pg.)
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Dreamscale
Posted: November 5th, 2012, 3:45pm Report to Moderator
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OK, well done.  I hear what you're saying.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: November 5th, 2012, 5:11pm Report to Moderator
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I scrolled through this thread and found this...  I think this is the author: http://tinyurl.com/987w6nx

I can see why Dan was offended. That wasn't exactly cool.


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DanBall
Posted: November 5th, 2012, 5:13pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Grandma Bear
I scrolled through this thread and found this...  I think this is the author: http://tinyurl.com/987w6nx

I can see why Dan was offended. That wasn't exactly cool.


Yeah, that's pretty much been the core of it. Guess I could've accentuated that more, but Ray knew it was there and hasn't done anything to take it back or apologize for it. Ergo, I'm still upset.


"I remember a time of chaos. Ruined dreams. This wasted land. But most of all, I remember The Road Warrior. The man we called 'Max'."

THE PINBALL WARRIOR (scifi, WIP, ~30 pg.)
A STAND AGAINST EVIL (short, 9 pg.)
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DanBall
Posted: November 6th, 2012, 12:55pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, I'm starting to put some thoughts together as to how I can fix this.

First of all, I'm probably going to stick with most of the requirements, even adding the hurricane--why not? Next, I'm ditching most of the characters and focusing mainly on Misti and Daniel. The crux of the story is how one supernatural encounter makes a psychic medium question her 'gift' and her conscience. The end will be upbeat, but her outlook on life will be drastically different. (Can you tell my wife watches too much "Long Island Medium"?)


"I remember a time of chaos. Ruined dreams. This wasted land. But most of all, I remember The Road Warrior. The man we called 'Max'."

THE PINBALL WARRIOR (scifi, WIP, ~30 pg.)
A STAND AGAINST EVIL (short, 9 pg.)
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DV44
Posted: November 6th, 2012, 1:02pm Report to Moderator
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Good luck - I'm currently going through a rewrite myself.
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DanBall
Posted: November 6th, 2012, 1:10pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DV44
Good luck - I'm currently going through a rewrite myself.


Thanks, you too! I still need to read yours...  


"I remember a time of chaos. Ruined dreams. This wasted land. But most of all, I remember The Road Warrior. The man we called 'Max'."

THE PINBALL WARRIOR (scifi, WIP, ~30 pg.)
A STAND AGAINST EVIL (short, 9 pg.)
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DV44
Posted: November 6th, 2012, 1:20pm Report to Moderator
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No need unless you want to. I'm changing some things around and it's going to be quite different than the original. If interested, I'll PM you when I'm done. Hopefully in a week or so.
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