I found this one to be mediocre. There's a nugget of a good story here but it wasn't executed well. A strong opening, but then the story gets derailed by the first vision of Maria and somehow Richie knew Petric was responsible but there was nothing to help the audience believe that. The suspension of disbelief fizzled right there, which made everything that followed a hard pill to swallow. That moment with Maria in the shower was also the highest tension point, which was too early in the script. Nothing matched or exceeded it, so instead of building towards the ending the tension fell off completely. Petric was too much of an enigma and I don't know how or why Richie died, so all I'm left with are questions and a suspicion that I won't be satisfied if I do get the answers.

The writing was decent, with a bit more time and some clarity this could be very good.

This one had a good, gritty setup, but it felt like the rest of the script never lived up to the premise.  I was left wondering what Petric was arrested for and who exactly he is?  Some kind of gypsy with supernatural powers?  Why does Richie assume Petric is behind all this supernatural happenings?

For a tough bounty hunter, Richie crumbled very quickly.  There was never any real tension established.  This script definitely should have utilized the available extra pages.

The ending felt like a cop out.  How did Richie die?  He's been a ghost talking with Petric this whole time?

Not a bad effort,  But if you rewrite it, I'd suggest stringing out Richie's mental breakdown a little more.

I thought this one might be a good idea for a short but to be honest I really didn't get it.  Does Petric have some sort of special ability that is causing this?  If not, then why does Richie think Petric is behind it?  

There's just not enough set up done to tell the story that this eventually tells.

Good job on getting an entry together for the OWC.

I think Richie died of a heart attack, as he kept clutching his chest later on at the end.  Petric somehow knew about it, (I don't think he caused it).

I would like the question answered just who or what Petric is.  This is still in my top 5 scripts, (I've been working all week, so I've only read 10 or 11 or so.), but this may have been catapulted into my top 3 if I understood Petric and his history a little bit more.

I also think this story suffers from a very abrupt, and kind of weak, ending.  Richie just gives in and breaks down because of some images of a memory?  Seems like it should've taken a little more than that.  As it is now, to me, the ending is a little anti-climactic.

Very competently written.  I think the only thing that really distracted me is the characters use their names a little too much when referring to each other.  Not a major niggle by any means, but something that might help you in the future.  How often do you use people's names when you're already talking directly to them?  Just something to think about in the future.

Congrats for writing and finishing and entering.

- Mark

yeah this one was very well written. a quick and easy read. i was never confused and always knew where i was (and that seems to be a problem for most of these scripts).

on the flip side, the characters weren't too unique. very bland IMO. not sure if that disqualifies it (although ultimately i would say no), but it could have been a bit more intriguing. perhaps expanding it might allow you to do so.

i was under the impression that petric did cause richie to go crazy (and eventually free him) by rehashing his memories. after reading other posts, i feel as though i might be mistaken. this must be clarified.

nice work. one of the better ones for sure.

Hey Steven,

Wasn't aware you were on the boards. If this is the same author who wrote some of those wonderful action packed titles such as Die Hard 1 and 2, The Running Man and the classic Commando then I'm in for a real treat here. On the other hand, it could be like Street Fighter and I'm in for a right disaster.

I thought this one was good overall even if was a bit soppy for my liking... when Maria was revealed in the bathtub was great and I was expecting that creep factor to continue but it diverted to a kind of love story. I guess it's my own fault for expecting it.

My biggest gripe would be not understanding Petric at all, he's a big part of what's happening but I'm lost to how or why he's doing this? Is he even an antag? You could go as far to say he's bringing these two lost souls together, so they can be happy but I just don't understand how or why he's doing it? I like do like a little bit of mystery in a story but this could do with a tad more back-story to Petric. It might help it flow better.

Richie was a good character (although I wondered why he wasn't called or intro'd as Richard like his badge) and I like how you showed his heart condition (which I gather killed him) with the pills. This is good stuff and a sure sign of a accomplished writer, getting your info out visually.

It's a sad story really, and maybe that's the biggest issue for me personally. I was all set-up for a chilling little horror tale and it went down the sentimental route. More my fault for expecting it I guess but you've definitely made it into my top 5 if that means anything.

The writings top notch and like I said before, very visual. A seasoned writer at work. I could nitpick but what's the point, this is good stuff for a weeks worth.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Steve

This was good,  i liked how you integrated the visions.  I did find the first vision of Maria a little jarring, it did grab my attention, but was very full on.
On one hand from that point i really wanted to see things escalating.  Richie becomes more desperate, but the visions become more serene, kinda pulling in different directions.  But then again, I like the way the visions flow backwards.

I don't understand Petric, he clearly plays some role in this but I don't know what.  He's very passive, and on some level I thought 'does he really even need to be here'.  
He say's that Richie's doing this to himself, it makes it sound like what is happening is a bad thing, but the way the visions are heading it could have only had ever ended in one way.

I still liked this a lot, but I guess I really didn't understand what was happening.

Richie and Petric play off one another pretty well. You even work in a little bit of empathy for Petric, which is more real, nice shades of grey here.

Had to look up Lanoxin, didn't know it was heart medication. Might have been better if this was an anti psychotic drug of some kind, might tie in with Richie's vision of Maria that follows.

Maria's dialouge Page 5, 'whole ? huddled together under a blanket.' whole evening, whole date?

I think I'm slightly lost as to what actually happens. I don't see the choice between good and evil. Who, or what Petric is, needs to much clearer to make this story sizzle. It seems as if he is causing the visions, but why. His involvement is unclear.

A more definite plot line would bring this up a few notchs.

This one read pretty well.

It started off like "MIdnight run" I just got confused... So Ritchie died and was now with Maria and Petric had some strange powers...

I would have liked to know a little more about Petric... what did he do? He didn't seem like a bad guy.

Your writing was very good and the story was heartfelt... just a lot of loose ends

Good job

Mark

The parts with Maria - very evocative, emotionally effective.  Kudos on that.  And bits of it were definitely memorable (like the bathtub scene, with Maria slowly turning her head...)

What didn't work for me was understanding how everything tied in with the prisoner.  Who was the other man, what was his real role in Maria's reappearances?  As a result, I found the ending confusing and not entirely satisfying.  

But still a competant read (with flashes of actual gothic creepiness!)

Cheers,

--J

This script had some really cool moments and I liked it a lot.

Good dialogue and action and a good story.

I would have liked a few more hints at who or what Petric was.

I think another rewrite could improve it a bit, but there's not a great deal more to improve on.

Well done with this!

Skiptrace by - When a bounty hunter takes shelter in a motel with a bail jumper, he finds out that maybe the bounty hunter was the one being sought.
Brief - Captured fugitive torments a bounty hunter with his past relationship

Locations & Sets  - Night, Outdoor on second floor walkway. Night, Interior in room. Bathroom. Candle lit table scene (likely a two night shooting schedule). Day, interior & exterior.
Actors  -  RICHIE TOWNSHEND (37), PETRIC RIJKER (42), MARIA TOWNSHEND (29),
Costumes  -  tan overcoat and matching slacks, black buttoned shirt and dark navy jeans, Ritchie’s clothes x 2 to be ruined by Maria’s bloody arms, Maria’s dining table costume, Maria @ 22yo door entry costume, Maria @ 29 door entry costume .
Props  -  duffel bag, cuffs, bed coverings (to damage), cell phone, shoulder holster & handgun, prescription pill bottle labelled Lanoxin, wallet, ID of “BAIL ENFORCEMENT
AGENT: RICHARD TOWNSHEND�, visual pregnancy prosthesis, slit wrists prosthesis, liquid stage blood, towel x 2 to be ruined, candle, shower curtain to ruin, phone to ruin, umbrella.
Audio FX  -  Rain & wind, thunder clap,
Visual FX  -  Supplementary rain & hail CGI,
Other  -  Artificial rain effect onto second story balcony, makeup artist, Maria’s hairstyle changes x 4, shower & bathroom clean up, lighter, repair wall damage by thrown phone,
Genre & Marketability - Supernatural Horror Suspense, light. This is not a solid self contained story. It is a story segment, possibly an opening sequence or a scene from a greater story.
Comments  - Petric’s role is too cryptic. The story between Richie and Maria is weakly established. The only horror aspect was the bleeding part, otherwise this is all drama. The situation is interesting, but the characters are not inherently interesting; A  regular bounty hunter, a quiet criminal, and a girl. No reason this needs to be on the second floor which is both limiting for locations and practical weather effects. I would also delete the room number & visibly pregnant aspects + throw the phone into the floor to save a few bucks. Gotta move the camera equipment set up around several times, but it’s that two night limitation that’s going to increase expenses. Maybe with some better planning and the right cast&crew it could be shot in one. Plus the day time shot. Script format: fair. Final word: Nice, but missable.

$3,000 - $5,000  Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/ 8.2 Screenplay Pages
= $366 - $610 Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Odd but interesting character(s) - characters are neither odd nor interesting. The situation is, but they are not.
take refuge from a hurricane - got it!
in a beat-up motel - got it.
and are forced to make a choice - Richie does make a choice to let Petric loose. But Petric tells him on pg 7 “It’s out of my hands�, so it’s not really much of a choice to let Petric go. Kinda stupid, really.
between good or evil - It would be good for Ritchie to stop having these nightmarish visions, but there really isn’t an evil aspect to choose against.
in order to survive the night. - Maybe Richie’s mental health survival? Also, I gather Ritchie is already dead, he just has to accept it to move on. But I’m not real clear on that.
Each character must -
have some history involving a supernatural event in their lives - Having one now, but not really one as history, although Richie’s relevant history is paraded in brief vignettes.
that factors into their choice. - got it!
Genre is open. - Supernatural Horror Suspense, light.
This is a micro-budget short, - yep. Slightly more expensive than dirt cheap, though.
so no destruction of the motel, - got it
no children or animals - got it
and minimal special effects. - some supplemental severe weather CGI and some make up & prosthetics.
BONUS! Story also included:
mime(s) - nope
dinosaur(s) - nope
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WBdeA3ZfngPz7NfJg_5DSBUFsZXkicfyNQHRc8Bg2SQ/edit

This one definitely seemed to come to an abrupt end. One minute, Richie's fine then the next minute he's dead. It did have a good visual with Maria in the bathtub and I liked when the power went out, but nothing really happened as a result of it.

It certainly took the sappy route in the second half and the hallucinations were never fully explained. Overall, it was written fine but more explanation and making more use of the extra pages probably would've improved this one.

B-.

Now this is the script I was waiting for. Solid, solid job here. My favourite entry thus far. Pat yourself on the back, "Steven". This was a very good effort.

Although some things felt a little rushed, like the dialogue towards the end, I enjoyed this. It gave me a Shutter Island type feel, how Teddy keeps hallucinating and seeing his dead wife. I'm a major fan of scripts like these and it's really hard to hate them IMO. I was going to go a similar route but changed my idea at the last second.

My grade: A-. My first A.

Wow...someone is smiling...and I happen to know who it is...but like the Go-Go's once sang in the plural, I'll now sing, "My lips are sealed"

Mo throws out the long awaited A-!!  WooHoo!!!!  Darren and Phil cringe, while Janet slips her hubby a mickey to settle his ass down.