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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2012 One Week Challenge  ›  Skiptrace - 10/12 OWC
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  Author    Skiptrace - 10/12 OWC  (currently 5299 views)
DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 26th, 2012, 11:32pm Report to Moderator
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Started off really nice, fairly well-done. Better than a good chunk of half the OWC entries. I really liked how this went wiith the 'percieved reality' like 'Beautiful Mind' Or 'Shutter Island'...playing fair and by a rulebook. Good job on that angle. But I also feel that it is average....I think this could be one of the top three, even if for me, it's more like near a bottom ten.  Sadly, my issues with this echo (to some degree) the other comments. What did this have to do with the prisoner?

Good job on entering the OWC.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: October 30th, 2012, 9:18pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, I did a word check to make sure I didn't miss anyone here, and the checker says I didn't. Obviously, I fucked up somewhere in this script because not one person picked up on who Petric was. That falls on me.

Petric is Death, the Grim Reaper. I was able to do a quick revise of the script before submitting it and I removed a hint about what Petric was because it was basically going to bang you off the head that Petric was Death.

So, I left in two clues. "It seems like so much longer to me" in response to Maria's death (and, yes, she was really dead. That was her spirit). The second was Richie dying the second he grabbed Petric's hand. I threw that in because they say that Death's touch will instantly kill you.

Anyway, boring mystery solved. Thank you all who read and commented (and even the ones who only read). =)


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Grandma Bear
Posted: October 31st, 2012, 11:08am Report to Moderator
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I must have missed this one earlier.

I thought you did a good job with it. Nice visuals too. Not just talking heads.  I liked it.  


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DanBall
Posted: October 31st, 2012, 4:28pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Mr. Blonde
So, I left in two clues. "It seems like so much longer to me" in response to Maria's death (and, yes, she was really dead. That was her spirit). The second was Richie dying the second he grabbed Petric's hand. I threw that in because they say that Death's touch will instantly kill you.


Those "clues" aren't exclusive to Death. Petric could've been like a psychic John Coffey from The Green Mile with those clues. Also, since he was a prisoner, there was the connotation that he would try to escape at the first chance he got. So I kept expecting that he'd get Richie to uncuff him, then bash his head in with the lamp or alarm clock or choke him with the Gideon's Bible.

Also, if Petric was Death, then why would he submit to Richie and handcuffs? Is it just so he could kill him or what? If so, then it seems his motives are at odds. Most of the time when Death strikes, it's because it's the victim's "time". Here, it seems like Petric's just trying to escape, rather than carrying out "the way of things."

Some other problems I had: the bathtub 'vision' of Maria and the ending. A lot of people liked the dead Maria in the tub, but I felt like it was a little familiar. Sure, it might be good to give the audience a good scare with some good editing, but it seems like everybody's first instinct in making a protag sympathetic is to make them carry guilt from the death of a loved one. Sure, some stories make it work and some of us carry those burdens in real life, but it's not the only tool in the box. Thankfully, you avoided a lot of the other sappiness that usually ensues with these scenes, so it was kinda forgivable.

The ending was a dud, though. You really needed an extra page to tie up loose ends. The way it is, it ends because you were too infatuated with your concept and its vibe and that's where they ended, but it wasn't the story's logical conclusion. You have a great first and second act, but your third act and final confrontation aren't there. You never clearly outlined a conflict that needed resolution, so there wasn't really a need for a confrontation to bring about resolution. So you just ended it. If you did have a conflict, it was oddly constructed. You made it more about Richie vs. himself than Richie vs. Petric, who was the one instigating those visions. (An aside: why were those visions necessary in killing Richie?)

Overall, though, I did love the vibe and your style of writing. Not to repeat what everyone else has said, it really was a crisp read. I could learn some things from this myself.


"I remember a time of chaos. Ruined dreams. This wasted land. But most of all, I remember The Road Warrior. The man we called 'Max'."

THE PINBALL WARRIOR (scifi, WIP, ~30 pg.)
A STAND AGAINST EVIL (short, 9 pg.)
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: October 31st, 2012, 10:22pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Grandma Bear
I must have missed this one earlier.

I thought you did a good job with it. Nice visuals too. Not just talking heads.  I liked it.  


I believe this may be my first positive response ever from the Pia. *fist pump* =)


Quoted from DanBall
Those "clues" aren't exclusive to Death. Petric could've been like a psychic John Coffey from The Green Mile with those clues. Also, since he was a prisoner, there was the connotation that he would try to escape at the first chance he got. So I kept expecting that he'd get Richie to uncuff him, then bash his head in with the lamp or alarm clock or choke him with the Gideon's Bible.


Let me put it this way: those were the major hints. They weren't the only ones, but I do suppose you're right. He could've been the equivalent of John Coffey. I wrote Petric as someone who didn't have a care in the world.


Quoted from DanBall
Also, if Petric was Death, then why would he submit to Richie and handcuffs? Is it just so he could kill him or what? If so, then it seems his motives are at odds. Most of the time when Death strikes, it's because it's the victim's "time". Here, it seems like Petric's just trying to escape, rather than carrying out "the way of things."


It was Richie's time. The idea was that Petric wanted to be captured so he could kill Richie who was suffering from a heart attack. I don't see anything that points to Petric trying to escape. He was walking through the rain, sitting casually on the bed, didn't make any movements when Richie uncuffed him. Maybe I should've clarified better. After all, I was running low on time with my ending, so you could be right.


Quoted from DanBall
Some other problems I had: the bathtub 'vision' of Maria and the ending. A lot of people liked the dead Maria in the tub, but I felt like it was a little familiar. Sure, it might be good to give the audience a good scare with some good editing, but it seems like everybody's first instinct in making a protag sympathetic is to make them carry guilt from the death of a loved one. Sure, some stories make it work and some of us carry those burdens in real life, but it's not the only tool in the box. Thankfully, you avoided a lot of the other sappiness that usually ensues with these scenes, so it was kinda forgivable.


Richie didn't feel guilty about it. Richie was witnessing the most important moments of his life before he died (kind of how they say your life flashes in front of your eyes before you die? Like that). I admittedly got very sappy in the end, and worse, it was sloppily written. But, it's what I stand by, good or bad.


Quoted from DanBall
The ending was a dud, though. You really needed an extra page to tie up loose ends. The way it is, it ends because you were too infatuated with your concept and its vibe and that's where they ended, but it wasn't the story's logical conclusion. You have a great first and second act, but your third act and final confrontation aren't there. You never clearly outlined a conflict that needed resolution, so there wasn't really a need for a confrontation to bring about resolution. So you just ended it. If you did have a conflict, it was oddly constructed. You made it more about Richie vs. himself than Richie vs. Petric, who was the one instigating those visions. (An aside: why were those visions necessary in killing Richie?)


I know it was a dud. Chalk it up to running out of time. If I had my way, this would've been 15 pages long and a lot darker. Time constraints forced me to switch genres and end it sooner than I wanted. And, the conflict was Richie vs. himself. Petric had all the time in the world because he knew Richie was going to die of that heart attack and there was nothing he could do to change it. And, Petric was NOT instigating the visions. The visions didn't kill him. They came about because he was going to die. Not something I'd expect anybody to pick up on because I ran out of time to explain it like I wanted.


Quoted from DanBall
Overall, though, I did love the vibe and your style of writing. Not to repeat what everyone else has said, it really was a crisp read. I could learn some things from this myself.


I appreciate your well-constructed feedback and praise. Thank you for reading. =)


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JimElder
Posted: March 6th, 2013, 11:38pm Report to Moderator
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I liked it, easy to read, easy to follow.
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DarrylLuster
Posted: March 7th, 2013, 9:26am Report to Moderator
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Steven, Congradulations. You have written a basic and typical 10 minute Twilight Zone Episode Pilot in the year 2013.

Everything is great about this story. The structure and writing is outstanding.

You actually don't even need to write in narrative description or use a scene heading at the top of page 8 to let us know that the rain has suddenly stopped.

As we can already see from the room.

I really enjoyed reading your story.  Excellent execution.

Darryl
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DarrylLuster
Posted: March 7th, 2013, 9:44am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DarrylLuster


Steven, Congradulations. You have written a basic and typical 10 minute Twilight Zone Episode Pilot in the year 2013.

Everything is great about this story. The structure and writing is outstanding.

You actually don't even need to write in narrative description or use a scene heading at the top of page 8 to let us know that the rain has suddenly stopped.

As we can already see from the room.

I really enjoyed reading your story.  Excellent execution.

Darryl


I have to quote once more. I like the story even more because, Bail Enforcement Agent Richard Townshed is a very smart and economy saving government employee.

He chose to check into the Thunderbird Inn, A motel much cheaper than those large expensive hotels, In order to avoid the hurricane before reaching his destination.

And also, He chose not to go the safe expensive way, by taking his prisoner to a local jail to spend the night, and causing state government booking and overnight state level goverment expenses.

Darryl
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: March 10th, 2013, 10:50pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry I didn't see this sooner. I had a big computer problem for the last couple days.

Jim,

I'm glad you enjoyed the story and thank you for reading.

Darryl,

I honestly couldn't tell whether you actually liked it or whether those were backhanded comments about how corny and ridiculous it was. Either way, thank you for reading.


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