Skiptrace by Steven E. De Souza - Short - When a bounty hunter takes shelter in a motel with a bail jumper, he finds out that maybe the bounty hunter was the one being sought. - pdf, format

This one was slightly overly-melodramatic ...but heartfelt.   Probably would've been better submitted outside of the OWC as I didn't really see any clear choice between good and evil that Richie had to make.   Can't fault the writing though.  A quick and effective read.   Different.  Nice job.

I really liked this one.  Like M. Alexander said, there wasn't really any choice between good or evil, but I enjoyed it nonetheless.  Very emotional and probably frightening on-screen.  I thoroughly enjoyed it.

The good news - this is not bad.  The not so good news - this isn't very good, either.

Tough one to discuss.  It seems to have a cool vibe to it, but it also doesn't make much sense, doesn't go anywhere,a dn it's tough to really care about anyone, because the characters have very little character here.

I guess it seems to meet the challenges in a roundabout way, but for some reason, it doesn't seem like it does at the same time.  I don't know.

The problem is that as I'm writing this feedback, I've already forgotten some story elements and I know in a few minutes, I'll have little memory left of this.

Good effort for sure, but definitely ont a favorite for me.  I recommend working on your characterization, especially when the challenge calls for odd, interesting characters.

This was alright.  An interesting take with some good visuals.  I think the use of Maria at various stages in her life was a nice touch.  

As far as impact I'm not sure this one really has it.  It was a nice enough story but at the end of the day it didn't hit me too hard.

A nice job anyway.

Greg

Didn't really see the good versus bad aspect of the story but I liked it. It flowed nicely from the dialogue to the action and the moment Maria was discovered in the bathtub, very chilling. Great job. Congrats on finishing the OWC.

Not a bad story here. As above, I didn't see any clear choice between good and evil. Or any supernatural backstory for thet matter, but I found Petric interesting. It was almost as if he were punishing Richie with his own memories. I think you could've used the extra pages allowed to build on who Petric really was.

I don't think it meets most of the requirements, but nice work nonetheless....

James

I liked this one.

I liked the different shots of Maria at different ages...

I was a bit confused though over the prisoner. I read it a couple times but I'm still not sure who he 'was'.

I really liked the end of this where he looks back and sees his dead body on the bed then goes off with Maria....blue skies was nice at that point also.

It was just confusing for me ...the middle....the beginning got my attention...the end was ok..but it lost me in the middle.

Still..one of the better ones of the owc imo.

Good job here. This is well written, and I liked the visuals. Petric was an interesting character, but I was confused at the end. But maybe that's just me.

I really don't have much to say about this one. Great job completing the OWC.

Congrats on finishing the OWC!

In agreement.  Some of the requirements met.

I liked how Petric used his supernatural powers to drive Richie over the edge until he offered to let him go free.

At the end though it seemed Maria was real.

Good effort.  Thanks for playing.

This might be my new favourite!

Very atmospheric and well written. Petrie needs to have a little more background as to his powers but a re- write can fix that.

Yeah, is my new number one, though that actually doesn't mean much sadly; some tough reads in this tough challenge.

Cheers stevie

Gonna agree with all the comments above; clean crisp read.

I loved the story.

Didn't see the good vs evil decision though and agree about Petric's backstory. Would have been nice to know who/what he is cause at the moment I can only assume, but don't know whether I'm making the right decision.

Good job.

Oh, but I loved it. I think I know who wrote it and if I'm right - i kept rolling my eyes right till its melosuperdramatic end and found myself loving it anyway!

I think its very cleverly written - you managed to avoid dreaded flashbacks but made it very clear to visualize nd understand. I was invested throughout.

Congrats on a great story!

There's a heck of a lot to like in this one, it's intelligently & capably written with a real feel for dialogue and character. But something just felt a little off for me in the latter part of the script.

I really enjoyed the first 6 pages - the dialogue, and exchanges between the two main characters, the suspense/bathroom scene etc. but I was trying to put my finger on what didn't work for me later on, and I think it was just that instead of the suspense building for me it kinda fizzled a bit towards your denouement.

Having said that it's still going in my top 5.
Excellent work.

Good script, reminded me of The Devils Advocate in part, i think.

Nice images, and sense of madness for the husband, but what bothers me most is that the antag, Pedric or whatever his name is, doesn't do anything. V passive. now it may work if we knew more etc but what we witness is almost  a one sided trip down Madness Street. He does seem to succumb quite quickly.

Take the film Seven, where we haven't met the antag for most of the film, yet we know what he's done and his arrival is one damn powerful; scene of walking in the police station covered in blood. We know a lot. You don't have that room here, yet i feel it could be more balanced, somehow.

Yet, it could be tided up and you had a few pages to work with.

Otherwise nice and simple, tight and whilst there are some unusual visuals, maybe ok to produce.

well done.

I found this one to be mediocre. There's a nugget of a good story here but it wasn't executed well. A strong opening, but then the story gets derailed by the first vision of Maria and somehow Richie knew Petric was responsible but there was nothing to help the audience believe that. The suspension of disbelief fizzled right there, which made everything that followed a hard pill to swallow. That moment with Maria in the shower was also the highest tension point, which was too early in the script. Nothing matched or exceeded it, so instead of building towards the ending the tension fell off completely. Petric was too much of an enigma and I don't know how or why Richie died, so all I'm left with are questions and a suspicion that I won't be satisfied if I do get the answers.

The writing was decent, with a bit more time and some clarity this could be very good.

This one had a good, gritty setup, but it felt like the rest of the script never lived up to the premise.  I was left wondering what Petric was arrested for and who exactly he is?  Some kind of gypsy with supernatural powers?  Why does Richie assume Petric is behind all this supernatural happenings?

For a tough bounty hunter, Richie crumbled very quickly.  There was never any real tension established.  This script definitely should have utilized the available extra pages.

The ending felt like a cop out.  How did Richie die?  He's been a ghost talking with Petric this whole time?

Not a bad effort,  But if you rewrite it, I'd suggest stringing out Richie's mental breakdown a little more.

I thought this one might be a good idea for a short but to be honest I really didn't get it.  Does Petric have some sort of special ability that is causing this?  If not, then why does Richie think Petric is behind it?  

There's just not enough set up done to tell the story that this eventually tells.

Good job on getting an entry together for the OWC.

I think Richie died of a heart attack, as he kept clutching his chest later on at the end.  Petric somehow knew about it, (I don't think he caused it).

I would like the question answered just who or what Petric is.  This is still in my top 5 scripts, (I've been working all week, so I've only read 10 or 11 or so.), but this may have been catapulted into my top 3 if I understood Petric and his history a little bit more.

I also think this story suffers from a very abrupt, and kind of weak, ending.  Richie just gives in and breaks down because of some images of a memory?  Seems like it should've taken a little more than that.  As it is now, to me, the ending is a little anti-climactic.

Very competently written.  I think the only thing that really distracted me is the characters use their names a little too much when referring to each other.  Not a major niggle by any means, but something that might help you in the future.  How often do you use people's names when you're already talking directly to them?  Just something to think about in the future.

Congrats for writing and finishing and entering.

- Mark

yeah this one was very well written. a quick and easy read. i was never confused and always knew where i was (and that seems to be a problem for most of these scripts).

on the flip side, the characters weren't too unique. very bland IMO. not sure if that disqualifies it (although ultimately i would say no), but it could have been a bit more intriguing. perhaps expanding it might allow you to do so.

i was under the impression that petric did cause richie to go crazy (and eventually free him) by rehashing his memories. after reading other posts, i feel as though i might be mistaken. this must be clarified.

nice work. one of the better ones for sure.

Hey Steven,

Wasn't aware you were on the boards. If this is the same author who wrote some of those wonderful action packed titles such as Die Hard 1 and 2, The Running Man and the classic Commando then I'm in for a real treat here. On the other hand, it could be like Street Fighter and I'm in for a right disaster.

I thought this one was good overall even if was a bit soppy for my liking... when Maria was revealed in the bathtub was great and I was expecting that creep factor to continue but it diverted to a kind of love story. I guess it's my own fault for expecting it.

My biggest gripe would be not understanding Petric at all, he's a big part of what's happening but I'm lost to how or why he's doing this? Is he even an antag? You could go as far to say he's bringing these two lost souls together, so they can be happy but I just don't understand how or why he's doing it? I like do like a little bit of mystery in a story but this could do with a tad more back-story to Petric. It might help it flow better.

Richie was a good character (although I wondered why he wasn't called or intro'd as Richard like his badge) and I like how you showed his heart condition (which I gather killed him) with the pills. This is good stuff and a sure sign of a accomplished writer, getting your info out visually.

It's a sad story really, and maybe that's the biggest issue for me personally. I was all set-up for a chilling little horror tale and it went down the sentimental route. More my fault for expecting it I guess but you've definitely made it into my top 5 if that means anything.

The writings top notch and like I said before, very visual. A seasoned writer at work. I could nitpick but what's the point, this is good stuff for a weeks worth.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Steve

This was good,  i liked how you integrated the visions.  I did find the first vision of Maria a little jarring, it did grab my attention, but was very full on.
On one hand from that point i really wanted to see things escalating.  Richie becomes more desperate, but the visions become more serene, kinda pulling in different directions.  But then again, I like the way the visions flow backwards.

I don't understand Petric, he clearly plays some role in this but I don't know what.  He's very passive, and on some level I thought 'does he really even need to be here'.  
He say's that Richie's doing this to himself, it makes it sound like what is happening is a bad thing, but the way the visions are heading it could have only had ever ended in one way.

I still liked this a lot, but I guess I really didn't understand what was happening.

Richie and Petric play off one another pretty well. You even work in a little bit of empathy for Petric, which is more real, nice shades of grey here.

Had to look up Lanoxin, didn't know it was heart medication. Might have been better if this was an anti psychotic drug of some kind, might tie in with Richie's vision of Maria that follows.

Maria's dialouge Page 5, 'whole ? huddled together under a blanket.' whole evening, whole date?

I think I'm slightly lost as to what actually happens. I don't see the choice between good and evil. Who, or what Petric is, needs to much clearer to make this story sizzle. It seems as if he is causing the visions, but why. His involvement is unclear.

A more definite plot line would bring this up a few notchs.

This one read pretty well.

It started off like "MIdnight run" I just got confused... So Ritchie died and was now with Maria and Petric had some strange powers...

I would have liked to know a little more about Petric... what did he do? He didn't seem like a bad guy.

Your writing was very good and the story was heartfelt... just a lot of loose ends

Good job

Mark

The parts with Maria - very evocative, emotionally effective.  Kudos on that.  And bits of it were definitely memorable (like the bathtub scene, with Maria slowly turning her head...)

What didn't work for me was understanding how everything tied in with the prisoner.  Who was the other man, what was his real role in Maria's reappearances?  As a result, I found the ending confusing and not entirely satisfying.  

But still a competant read (with flashes of actual gothic creepiness!)

Cheers,

--J

This script had some really cool moments and I liked it a lot.

Good dialogue and action and a good story.

I would have liked a few more hints at who or what Petric was.

I think another rewrite could improve it a bit, but there's not a great deal more to improve on.

Well done with this!

Skiptrace by - When a bounty hunter takes shelter in a motel with a bail jumper, he finds out that maybe the bounty hunter was the one being sought.
Brief - Captured fugitive torments a bounty hunter with his past relationship

Locations & Sets  - Night, Outdoor on second floor walkway. Night, Interior in room. Bathroom. Candle lit table scene (likely a two night shooting schedule). Day, interior & exterior.
Actors  -  RICHIE TOWNSHEND (37), PETRIC RIJKER (42), MARIA TOWNSHEND (29),
Costumes  -  tan overcoat and matching slacks, black buttoned shirt and dark navy jeans, Ritchie’s clothes x 2 to be ruined by Maria’s bloody arms, Maria’s dining table costume, Maria @ 22yo door entry costume, Maria @ 29 door entry costume .
Props  -  duffel bag, cuffs, bed coverings (to damage), cell phone, shoulder holster & handgun, prescription pill bottle labelled Lanoxin, wallet, ID of “BAIL ENFORCEMENT
AGENT: RICHARD TOWNSHEND�, visual pregnancy prosthesis, slit wrists prosthesis, liquid stage blood, towel x 2 to be ruined, candle, shower curtain to ruin, phone to ruin, umbrella.
Audio FX  -  Rain & wind, thunder clap,
Visual FX  -  Supplementary rain & hail CGI,
Other  -  Artificial rain effect onto second story balcony, makeup artist, Maria’s hairstyle changes x 4, shower & bathroom clean up, lighter, repair wall damage by thrown phone,
Genre & Marketability - Supernatural Horror Suspense, light. This is not a solid self contained story. It is a story segment, possibly an opening sequence or a scene from a greater story.
Comments  - Petric’s role is too cryptic. The story between Richie and Maria is weakly established. The only horror aspect was the bleeding part, otherwise this is all drama. The situation is interesting, but the characters are not inherently interesting; A  regular bounty hunter, a quiet criminal, and a girl. No reason this needs to be on the second floor which is both limiting for locations and practical weather effects. I would also delete the room number & visibly pregnant aspects + throw the phone into the floor to save a few bucks. Gotta move the camera equipment set up around several times, but it’s that two night limitation that’s going to increase expenses. Maybe with some better planning and the right cast&crew it could be shot in one. Plus the day time shot. Script format: fair. Final word: Nice, but missable.

$3,000 - $5,000  Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/ 8.2 Screenplay Pages
= $366 - $610 Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Odd but interesting character(s) - characters are neither odd nor interesting. The situation is, but they are not.
take refuge from a hurricane - got it!
in a beat-up motel - got it.
and are forced to make a choice - Richie does make a choice to let Petric loose. But Petric tells him on pg 7 “It’s out of my hands�, so it’s not really much of a choice to let Petric go. Kinda stupid, really.
between good or evil - It would be good for Ritchie to stop having these nightmarish visions, but there really isn’t an evil aspect to choose against.
in order to survive the night. - Maybe Richie’s mental health survival? Also, I gather Ritchie is already dead, he just has to accept it to move on. But I’m not real clear on that.
Each character must -
have some history involving a supernatural event in their lives - Having one now, but not really one as history, although Richie’s relevant history is paraded in brief vignettes.
that factors into their choice. - got it!
Genre is open. - Supernatural Horror Suspense, light.
This is a micro-budget short, - yep. Slightly more expensive than dirt cheap, though.
so no destruction of the motel, - got it
no children or animals - got it
and minimal special effects. - some supplemental severe weather CGI and some make up & prosthetics.
BONUS! Story also included:
mime(s) - nope
dinosaur(s) - nope
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WBdeA3ZfngPz7NfJg_5DSBUFsZXkicfyNQHRc8Bg2SQ/edit

This one definitely seemed to come to an abrupt end. One minute, Richie's fine then the next minute he's dead. It did have a good visual with Maria in the bathtub and I liked when the power went out, but nothing really happened as a result of it.

It certainly took the sappy route in the second half and the hallucinations were never fully explained. Overall, it was written fine but more explanation and making more use of the extra pages probably would've improved this one.

B-.

Now this is the script I was waiting for. Solid, solid job here. My favourite entry thus far. Pat yourself on the back, "Steven". This was a very good effort.

Although some things felt a little rushed, like the dialogue towards the end, I enjoyed this. It gave me a Shutter Island type feel, how Teddy keeps hallucinating and seeing his dead wife. I'm a major fan of scripts like these and it's really hard to hate them IMO. I was going to go a similar route but changed my idea at the last second.

My grade: A-. My first A.

Wow...someone is smiling...and I happen to know who it is...but like the Go-Go's once sang in the plural, I'll now sing, "My lips are sealed"

Mo throws out the long awaited A-!!  WooHoo!!!!  Darren and Phil cringe, while Janet slips her hubby a mickey to settle his ass down.  

Started off really nice, fairly well-done. Better than a good chunk of half the OWC entries. I really liked how this went wiith the 'percieved reality' like 'Beautiful Mind' Or 'Shutter Island'...playing fair and by a rulebook. Good job on that angle. But I also feel that it is average....I think this could be one of the top three, even if for me, it's more like near a bottom ten.  Sadly, my issues with this echo (to some degree) the other comments. What did this have to do with the prisoner?

Good job on entering the OWC.

Okay, I did a word check to make sure I didn't miss anyone here, and the checker says I didn't. Obviously, I fucked up somewhere in this script because not one person picked up on who Petric was. That falls on me.

Petric is Death, the Grim Reaper. I was able to do a quick revise of the script before submitting it and I removed a hint about what Petric was because it was basically going to bang you off the head that Petric was Death.

So, I left in two clues. "It seems like so much longer to me" in response to Maria's death (and, yes, she was really dead. That was her spirit). The second was Richie dying the second he grabbed Petric's hand. I threw that in because they say that Death's touch will instantly kill you.

Anyway, boring mystery solved. Thank you all who read and commented (and even the ones who only read). =)

I must have missed this one earlier.

I thought you did a good job with it. Nice visuals too. Not just talking heads.  I liked it.  

Quoted from Mr. Blonde So, I left in two clues. "It seems like so much longer to me" in response to Maria's death (and, yes, she was really dead. That was her spirit). The second was Richie dying the second he grabbed Petric's hand. I threw that in because they say that Death's touch will instantly kill you.

Those "clues" aren't exclusive to Death. Petric could've been like a psychic John Coffey from The Green Mile with those clues. Also, since he was a prisoner, there was the connotation that he would try to escape at the first chance he got. So I kept expecting that he'd get Richie to uncuff him, then bash his head in with the lamp or alarm clock or choke him with the Gideon's Bible.

Also, if Petric was Death, then why would he submit to Richie and handcuffs? Is it just so he could kill him or what? If so, then it seems his motives are at odds. Most of the time when Death strikes, it's because it's the victim's "time". Here, it seems like Petric's just trying to escape, rather than carrying out "the way of things."

Some other problems I had: the bathtub 'vision' of Maria and the ending. A lot of people liked the dead Maria in the tub, but I felt like it was a little familiar. Sure, it might be good to give the audience a good scare with some good editing, but it seems like everybody's first instinct in making a protag sympathetic is to make them carry guilt from the death of a loved one. Sure, some stories make it work and some of us carry those burdens in real life, but it's not the only tool in the box. Thankfully, you avoided a lot of the other sappiness that usually ensues with these scenes, so it was kinda forgivable.

The ending was a dud, though. You really needed an extra page to tie up loose ends. The way it is, it ends because you were too infatuated with your concept and its vibe and that's where they ended, but it wasn't the story's logical conclusion. You have a great first and second act, but your third act and final confrontation aren't there. You never clearly outlined a conflict that needed resolution, so there wasn't really a need for a confrontation to bring about resolution. So you just ended it. If you did have a conflict, it was oddly constructed. You made it more about Richie vs. himself than Richie vs. Petric, who was the one instigating those visions. (An aside: why were those visions necessary in killing Richie?)

Overall, though, I did love the vibe and your style of writing. Not to repeat what everyone else has said, it really was a crisp read. I could learn some things from this myself.

Quoted from Grandma Bear I must have missed this one earlier. I thought you did a good job with it. Nice visuals too. Not just talking heads.  I liked it.

I believe this may be my first positive response ever from the Pia. *fist pump* =)

Quoted from DanBall Those "clues" aren't exclusive to Death. Petric could've been like a psychic John Coffey from The Green Mile with those clues. Also, since he was a prisoner, there was the connotation that he would try to escape at the first chance he got. So I kept expecting that he'd get Richie to uncuff him, then bash his head in with the lamp or alarm clock or choke him with the Gideon's Bible.

Let me put it this way: those were the major hints. They weren't the only ones, but I do suppose you're right. He could've been the equivalent of John Coffey. I wrote Petric as someone who didn't have a care in the world.

Quoted from DanBall Also, if Petric was Death, then why would he submit to Richie and handcuffs? Is it just so he could kill him or what? If so, then it seems his motives are at odds. Most of the time when Death strikes, it's because it's the victim's "time". Here, it seems like Petric's just trying to escape, rather than carrying out "the way of things."

It was Richie's time. The idea was that Petric wanted to be captured so he could kill Richie who was suffering from a heart attack. I don't see anything that points to Petric trying to escape. He was walking through the rain, sitting casually on the bed, didn't make any movements when Richie uncuffed him. Maybe I should've clarified better. After all, I was running low on time with my ending, so you could be right.

Quoted from DanBall Some other problems I had: the bathtub 'vision' of Maria and the ending. A lot of people liked the dead Maria in the tub, but I felt like it was a little familiar. Sure, it might be good to give the audience a good scare with some good editing, but it seems like everybody's first instinct in making a protag sympathetic is to make them carry guilt from the death of a loved one. Sure, some stories make it work and some of us carry those burdens in real life, but it's not the only tool in the box. Thankfully, you avoided a lot of the other sappiness that usually ensues with these scenes, so it was kinda forgivable.

Richie didn't feel guilty about it. Richie was witnessing the most important moments of his life before he died (kind of how they say your life flashes in front of your eyes before you die? Like that). I admittedly got very sappy in the end, and worse, it was sloppily written. But, it's what I stand by, good or bad.

Quoted from DanBall The ending was a dud, though. You really needed an extra page to tie up loose ends. The way it is, it ends because you were too infatuated with your concept and its vibe and that's where they ended, but it wasn't the story's logical conclusion. You have a great first and second act, but your third act and final confrontation aren't there. You never clearly outlined a conflict that needed resolution, so there wasn't really a need for a confrontation to bring about resolution. So you just ended it. If you did have a conflict, it was oddly constructed. You made it more about Richie vs. himself than Richie vs. Petric, who was the one instigating those visions. (An aside: why were those visions necessary in killing Richie?)

I know it was a dud. Chalk it up to running out of time. If I had my way, this would've been 15 pages long and a lot darker. Time constraints forced me to switch genres and end it sooner than I wanted. And, the conflict was Richie vs. himself. Petric had all the time in the world because he knew Richie was going to die of that heart attack and there was nothing he could do to change it. And, Petric was NOT instigating the visions. The visions didn't kill him. They came about because he was going to die. Not something I'd expect anybody to pick up on because I ran out of time to explain it like I wanted.

Quoted from DanBall Overall, though, I did love the vibe and your style of writing. Not to repeat what everyone else has said, it really was a crisp read. I could learn some things from this myself.

I appreciate your well-constructed feedback and praise. Thank you for reading. =)

I liked it, easy to read, easy to follow.

Steven, Congradulations. You have written a basic and typical 10 minute Twilight Zone Episode Pilot in the year 2013.

Everything is great about this story. The structure and writing is outstanding.

You actually don't even need to write in narrative description or use a scene heading at the top of page 8 to let us know that the rain has suddenly stopped.

As we can already see from the room.

I really enjoyed reading your story.  Excellent execution.

Darryl

Quoted from DarrylLuster Steven, Congradulations. You have written a basic and typical 10 minute Twilight Zone Episode Pilot in the year 2013. Everything is great about this story. The structure and writing is outstanding. You actually don't even need to write in narrative description or use a scene heading at the top of page 8 to let us know that the rain has suddenly stopped. As we can already see from the room. I really enjoyed reading your story.  Excellent execution. Darryl

I have to quote once more. I like the story even more because, Bail Enforcement Agent Richard Townshed is a very smart and economy saving government employee.

He chose to check into the Thunderbird Inn, A motel much cheaper than those large expensive hotels, In order to avoid the hurricane before reaching his destination.

And also, He chose not to go the safe expensive way, by taking his prisoner to a local jail to spend the night, and causing state government booking and overnight state level goverment expenses.

Darryl

Sorry I didn't see this sooner. I had a big computer problem for the last couple days.

Jim,

I'm glad you enjoyed the story and thank you for reading.

Darryl,

I honestly couldn't tell whether you actually liked it or whether those were backhanded comments about how corny and ridiculous it was. Either way, thank you for reading.