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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2012 One Week Challenge  ›  Forgotten Faith - 10/12 OWC
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  Author    Forgotten Faith - 10/12 OWC  (currently 3992 views)
ReneC
Posted: October 23rd, 2012, 1:32pm Report to Moderator
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Competent writing but not quite there yet. More than a few mistakes but nothing major, things that can't be overcome with experience and reading scripts.

The problem here is a predictable story and familiar characters, nothing new here at all. It's not bad, just boring. The set-up about Jacob's wife never paid off, it's a useless bit of info.

Good for you for at least meeting the challenging requirements of this OWC.


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Ryan1
Posted: October 23rd, 2012, 9:10pm Report to Moderator
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One thing I learned from this owc...priests and motels just do not mix.

This was a workmanlike effort.  Steady, sturdy but completely without surprises.  I seriously doubt anyone was caught off guard when the girl turned out to be a demon.

Not bad, but not memorable in any way.
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greg
Posted: October 23rd, 2012, 9:20pm Report to Moderator
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Pretty straight forward and largely predictable.  Nothing really bad but nothing amazing either.  

While the ending I saw coming a mile away, I feel that the dialogue and the characters didn't make it as exciting as it could have been.  Fairly typical story here so more quirky dialogue would have elevated it.

Alright for what it is.

Greg


Be excellent to each other
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SteveUK
Posted: October 24th, 2012, 5:05am Report to Moderator
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This one was just okay - a  little too clichéd and predictable. The writing was competent, but there was too much exposition and the dialogue needs a lot of work - it was mostly awkward and unnatural.

The whole issue of Jacob's wife felt really forced. We had no explanation of what had happened to her and it only seemed to serve as a convenient way to make Jacob's decision at the end.

Also, we are introduced to Robert Dearden at the start, who in his dialogue is know as simply Robert. Then, later in the story he becomes Father Robert in both description and dialogue. I understand that until page 4 the fact that he is a priest is hidden, but after it's revealed you don't need to change the character's name - Just stick with Robert and have Emily refer to him as Father Robert.

Taking refuge from a hurricane in a beat-up motel?
Check.

Odd but interesting character(s)?
Fail. The characters were fairly unoriginal.

Choosing between good & evil to survive the night?
Check. Jacob backed the wrong horse and won't see out the night.

Past supernatural event?
Check. The Father has witnessed the demon in Emily.

Micro budget?
Not sure about this. It succeeds for the most part, but the gunplay at the end would probably break the budget.

Congratulations on completing the OWC.
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RJ
Posted: October 24th, 2012, 5:36am Report to Moderator
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Thought this was a good easy read. Although predictable, I didn't see a problem with how everything played out.

I agree with other comments about giving the characters more spark. Would add that extra 'something' it needs.

IMO, this did hit the marks when it comes to the challenge.

Good job.
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CoopBazinga
Posted: October 25th, 2012, 1:34am Report to Moderator
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This one is "safe as houses" as the saying goes. A very solid but safe story devoid of any surprises which makes for an average piece overall.

it's all here, the troubled priest, scared girl and a man hurting over the death of a loved one.

It started out good, and there was some great mystery as to why Robert was lying to Jacob. But as soon it was revealed he was a priest - this was like following the same old script sorry to say.

Don't get me wrong, this wasn't a bad effort and it didn't confuse me like a lot of the others but the trouble was that it was just so cliche and predictable. This means it was forgettable and that's never good.

A good thing going for it may be the fact that it ticked off all the criteria although the supernatural past was forced in exposition towards the end. But otherwise, it was unimpressive and didn't hold my attention - in fact, I've already forgotten (pun) what it was all about!

Other than a couple of typos, it was well-written and read fast. Must be from a member of boards.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Steve
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irish eyes
Posted: October 25th, 2012, 8:53pm Report to Moderator
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SHort and simple... Pretty predictable but nicely wrote.

It would have been a bigger twist, if she wasn't a demon and he accidentally shot the priest..

Good job I enjoyed it

Mark


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rc1107
Posted: October 26th, 2012, 11:03am Report to Moderator
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Lol.  Another one where a priest brings a girl to a hotel.

Although this is competently written, it didn't have the twist that the other priest-takes-a-girl-to-motel story had.

Also, I don't see how the logline ties into this.  Jacob's faith was never put to the test.  Emily said that Father Rearden is losing his faith.

But, you did follow the guidelines of the competition very well, so I can't say that this isn't a solid piece of writing.  It just doesn't have much excitement or wonder to it.

- Mark


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Mr. Blonde
Posted: October 26th, 2012, 1:30pm Report to Moderator
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Seems the majority of people who read this one used the same, or similar, word "predictable". That's exactly what this was. However, that's what all of these are like, so I can't really fault you on that.

The only way to make this less predictable would be to have Jacob be an even worse/stronger demon but that double twist has also been used already.

The writing itself was fine and certainly written by a regular.

C.


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RayW
Posted: October 26th, 2012, 1:42pm Report to Moderator
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Forgotten Faith by - A motel owner’s faith is put to the test.
Brief - Intemperate priest is determined to exorcise a demon from a young woman, but the motel manager unwisely intervenes.

Locations & Sets  -  Interior car @ night. Interior motel lobby @ night. Interior room @ night. Interior back office.
Actors  -  ROBERT DEARDEN, 30s, EMILY FLYNN, 20s, JACOB WESTON, 60s,
Costumes  -  Emily’s outfit, Robert’s jacket to be ruined + clerical outfit
Props  -  liquid stage blood, small picture frame w/ glass, ledger & pen, duffle bag, unwashed bedspreads, revolver, rope, whiskey bottle, wooden chair, cheap CRT TV, cigarette + match, christian cross wall ornament, antique double-barrel SHOTGUN + two shells,
Audio FX  -  WHISTLING winds and harsh rain, car tires screeching, howling wind, pistol + shotgun shots, Jacob’s scream.
Visual FX  -  pistol + shotgun flares, smoke, Emily’s red eyes
Other  -  heavy rain effects while car is moving (ugh!), stunt pads for fall, Emily’s lift of Jacob
Genre & Marketability - Supernatural horror drama. Fair marketability, but this is pretty hum-drum genre fare so as to be pretty missable.
Comments  -  Gotta watch the “Father Robert” / “Father Deardon” flip-flop. All the roles are pretty plainly laid out, nice. The situation is interesting, but the characters are not inherently interesting; A  troubled priest, a girl/possessed (briefly), and a old manager. Only got to move the camera around a few places. That driving while raining shot is going to be the biggest PITA. Otherwise, this should have a fairly sensible budget. Script format: needs work. This story seems like an opening sequence of a larger possession story. Final word: Meh. Missable.

$2,000 - $3,000  Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/ 8.6 Screenplay Pages
= $232 - $348  Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Odd but interesting character(s) - nope. Not really. Characters are neither odd nor interesting. The situation is, but they are not.
take refuge from a hurricane - yep
in a beat-up motel - yep
and are forced to make a choice - Jacob doesn’t have much of a choice to make, but Father Dearden does
between good or evil - Dearden’s is
in order to survive the night. - Not for Jacob, until he picks the wrong choice, and Dearden’s in a roundabout way
Each character must -
have some history involving a supernatural event in their lives - yep
that factors into their choice. - yep
Genre is open. - supernatural horror drama
This is a micro-budget short, - yep, fairly inexpensive
so no destruction of the motel, - yep
no children or animals - yep
and minimal special effects. - yep
BONUS! Story also included:
mime(s) - nope
dinosaur(s) - nope

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WBdeA3ZfngPz7NfJg_5DSBUFsZXkicfyNQHRc8Bg2SQ/edit



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nawazm11
Posted: October 27th, 2012, 2:00am Report to Moderator
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It basically feels like this ended right when the tension was at its highest. I have to say the ending really didn't feel like an ending which is a huge problem.

I slugged through the first few pages and thought I'd finish the whole thing, expecting some type of supernatural event to happen regarding the woman in Jacob's photo.

You had something decent here but I'm afraid I just couldn't get into it. The ending felt stale and very very underwhelming.

Fits the guidelines nicely, as if the story was contrived and made around them unlike some entries.

My grade: D+/C- but take that lightly.
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Leon
Posted: October 27th, 2012, 3:17am Report to Moderator
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I liked this one, but it was far too straight forward.  I think Robert revealing himself to be a priest would have had a bigger impact if it weren't for the large amount of similar scripts in this owc.  

I think if you had more time a more complex relationship between Emily and Robert was needed, perhaps more dialogue between them,  it seemed to develop into a lot of running and smashing far to quickly.  

Good, but a little simplistic.


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CoopBazinga
Posted: November 2nd, 2012, 10:47am Report to Moderator
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Thanks to everybody who took a peek at my script here. I do appreciate it.

Nothing to go in to here - you're all correct! Although I was disappointed to get a D from Mo, that's not even a passing grade, Damn!

I was trying to think up a great idea all week which was other than simple but by the last day I had nothing.

Smashed this together with 3 hours to go and although I knew its faults which was the "predictable" and "cliche" comments you've all made correctly. I thought it better to throw something into the OWC than nothing at all.

Again I thank everybody who gave this one a read.

Cheers.
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irish eyes
Posted: November 2nd, 2012, 11:55am Report to Moderator
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Nice job coop

Its good to see we both fell under the "predictable " catagory



Mark


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Dreamscale
Posted: November 2nd, 2012, 12:02pm Report to Moderator
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On the positive side, though, it's better to be predictable than dead or in a coma.
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