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Competent writing but not quite there yet. More than a few mistakes but nothing major, things that can't be overcome with experience and reading scripts.
The problem here is a predictable story and familiar characters, nothing new here at all. It's not bad, just boring. The set-up about Jacob's wife never paid off, it's a useless bit of info.
Good for you for at least meeting the challenging requirements of this OWC.
One thing I learned from this owc...priests and motels just do not mix.
This was a workmanlike effort. Steady, sturdy but completely without surprises. I seriously doubt anyone was caught off guard when the girl turned out to be a demon.
Pretty straight forward and largely predictable. Nothing really bad but nothing amazing either.
While the ending I saw coming a mile away, I feel that the dialogue and the characters didn't make it as exciting as it could have been. Fairly typical story here so more quirky dialogue would have elevated it.
This one was just okay - a little too clichéd and predictable. The writing was competent, but there was too much exposition and the dialogue needs a lot of work - it was mostly awkward and unnatural.
The whole issue of Jacob's wife felt really forced. We had no explanation of what had happened to her and it only seemed to serve as a convenient way to make Jacob's decision at the end.
Also, we are introduced to Robert Dearden at the start, who in his dialogue is know as simply Robert. Then, later in the story he becomes Father Robert in both description and dialogue. I understand that until page 4 the fact that he is a priest is hidden, but after it's revealed you don't need to change the character's name - Just stick with Robert and have Emily refer to him as Father Robert.
Taking refuge from a hurricane in a beat-up motel? Check.
Odd but interesting character(s)? Fail. The characters were fairly unoriginal.
Choosing between good & evil to survive the night? Check. Jacob backed the wrong horse and won't see out the night.
Past supernatural event? Check. The Father has witnessed the demon in Emily.
Micro budget? Not sure about this. It succeeds for the most part, but the gunplay at the end would probably break the budget.
This one is "safe as houses" as the saying goes. A very solid but safe story devoid of any surprises which makes for an average piece overall.
it's all here, the troubled priest, scared girl and a man hurting over the death of a loved one.
It started out good, and there was some great mystery as to why Robert was lying to Jacob. But as soon it was revealed he was a priest - this was like following the same old script sorry to say.
Don't get me wrong, this wasn't a bad effort and it didn't confuse me like a lot of the others but the trouble was that it was just so cliche and predictable. This means it was forgettable and that's never good.
A good thing going for it may be the fact that it ticked off all the criteria although the supernatural past was forced in exposition towards the end. But otherwise, it was unimpressive and didn't hold my attention - in fact, I've already forgotten (pun) what it was all about!
Other than a couple of typos, it was well-written and read fast. Must be from a member of boards.
Lol. Another one where a priest brings a girl to a hotel.
Although this is competently written, it didn't have the twist that the other priest-takes-a-girl-to-motel story had.
Also, I don't see how the logline ties into this. Jacob's faith was never put to the test. Emily said that Father Rearden is losing his faith.
But, you did follow the guidelines of the competition very well, so I can't say that this isn't a solid piece of writing. It just doesn't have much excitement or wonder to it.
Seems the majority of people who read this one used the same, or similar, word "predictable". That's exactly what this was. However, that's what all of these are like, so I can't really fault you on that.
The only way to make this less predictable would be to have Jacob be an even worse/stronger demon but that double twist has also been used already.
The writing itself was fine and certainly written by a regular.
Forgotten Faith by - A motel owner’s faith is put to the test. Brief - Intemperate priest is determined to exorcise a demon from a young woman, but the motel manager unwisely intervenes.
Locations & Sets - Interior car @ night. Interior motel lobby @ night. Interior room @ night. Interior back office. Actors - ROBERT DEARDEN, 30s, EMILY FLYNN, 20s, JACOB WESTON, 60s, Costumes - Emily’s outfit, Robert’s jacket to be ruined + clerical outfit Props - liquid stage blood, small picture frame w/ glass, ledger & pen, duffle bag, unwashed bedspreads, revolver, rope, whiskey bottle, wooden chair, cheap CRT TV, cigarette + match, christian cross wall ornament, antique double-barrel SHOTGUN + two shells, Audio FX - WHISTLING winds and harsh rain, car tires screeching, howling wind, pistol + shotgun shots, Jacob’s scream. Visual FX - pistol + shotgun flares, smoke, Emily’s red eyes Other - heavy rain effects while car is moving (ugh!), stunt pads for fall, Emily’s lift of Jacob Genre & Marketability - Supernatural horror drama. Fair marketability, but this is pretty hum-drum genre fare so as to be pretty missable. Comments - Gotta watch the “Father Robert” / “Father Deardon” flip-flop. All the roles are pretty plainly laid out, nice. The situation is interesting, but the characters are not inherently interesting; A troubled priest, a girl/possessed (briefly), and a old manager. Only got to move the camera around a few places. That driving while raining shot is going to be the biggest PITA. Otherwise, this should have a fairly sensible budget. Script format: needs work. This story seems like an opening sequence of a larger possession story. Final word: Meh. Missable.
$2,000 - $3,000 Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range / 8.6 Screenplay Pages = $232 - $348 Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute
Adherence to Given Criteria: Odd but interesting character(s) - nope. Not really. Characters are neither odd nor interesting. The situation is, but they are not. take refuge from a hurricane - yep in a beat-up motel - yep and are forced to make a choice - Jacob doesn’t have much of a choice to make, but Father Dearden does between good or evil - Dearden’s is in order to survive the night. - Not for Jacob, until he picks the wrong choice, and Dearden’s in a roundabout way Each character must - have some history involving a supernatural event in their lives - yep that factors into their choice. - yep Genre is open. - supernatural horror drama This is a micro-budget short, - yep, fairly inexpensive so no destruction of the motel, - yep no children or animals - yep and minimal special effects. - yep BONUS! Story also included: mime(s) - nope dinosaur(s) - nope
It basically feels like this ended right when the tension was at its highest. I have to say the ending really didn't feel like an ending which is a huge problem.
I slugged through the first few pages and thought I'd finish the whole thing, expecting some type of supernatural event to happen regarding the woman in Jacob's photo.
You had something decent here but I'm afraid I just couldn't get into it. The ending felt stale and very very underwhelming.
Fits the guidelines nicely, as if the story was contrived and made around them unlike some entries.
I liked this one, but it was far too straight forward. I think Robert revealing himself to be a priest would have had a bigger impact if it weren't for the large amount of similar scripts in this owc.
I think if you had more time a more complex relationship between Emily and Robert was needed, perhaps more dialogue between them, it seemed to develop into a lot of running and smashing far to quickly.
Thanks to everybody who took a peek at my script here. I do appreciate it.
Nothing to go in to here - you're all correct! Although I was disappointed to get a D from Mo, that's not even a passing grade, Damn!
I was trying to think up a great idea all week which was other than simple but by the last day I had nothing.
Smashed this together with 3 hours to go and although I knew its faults which was the "predictable" and "cliche" comments you've all made correctly. I thought it better to throw something into the OWC than nothing at all.