Ghosts of the Third Reich by Anonymous Alice - Short, Thriller - A nerdy ghost hunter must negotiate with a Nazi poltergeist in order to save his family or face a second Holocaust. - pdf, format

The premise and the first two pages had promise but then Captain aka Himmler killed it for me. Maybe the author was trying to be comical with "Himmler", because as is he just doesn't sound like a scary Nazi. More like a goofy version.

Points for sticking to the paramaters well. One room location, low budget, supernatural elements, hurricane, etc. Okay effort.

Eh.  This one was nothing special to me, sorry.  For a comedy, I didn't laugh once.  The writing and formatting are all there, but it just wasn't that funny.

So, I have to assume this is a pisser.  It's funny in some ways, but too dull to really succeed as a pisser.

I stopped on page 4, as the dialogue was just nonstop.

Listen, if you want to take the piss, you need to really let the urine out, and this didn't. sorry to say.

It's very awkward and offputting how you started out here, over BLACK with the V.O. conversation and then the BEEP.  Didb't work for me at all.  Then, you assume that we know Pete is stil on the phone and never give us a visual of him talking innto a phone and that's a mistake.

Then, on Page 2, the PETE ON VIDEO thing also reads poorly.

Sorry, this didn't do it for me at all.

I enjoyed this for the most part.  Stuck to the parameters well but I think some of the early more comical lines were a bit off-putting, especially given the underlying heavy stakes at the center of the story.

The Nazi should probably be a little more serious, I think.

Overall a good job for a week.

Greg

This had some lines that made me chuckle, but the script tries to strike an uneasy balance between humor and fright and the result was a mixed bag.  Not sure about the idea of making the ghost Himmler.  Why not just a local serial killer or something?  Never really cared much about the fate of the family because we never actually saw them in danger.

And then Himmler uses the ol' Keyser Soze on poor Pete.  But why is the phone number disconnected if the motel is actually still in business?

I appreciate the humor, but it's like the writer didn't know whether to pull the trigger on the laughs or the scares.  Pick a tone and stick with it when it comes to these shorts.

I slugged through this one hoping it would pay off but man was I disappointed. If the ending was basically that the Pete got the wrong address, then it took far too long to get there.

I thought most of the dialogue was good and liked that it was carrying the script. Definitely low budget and fits the perimeters but it needs more umph.

My grade: C but take that lightly.

Due to the premise, I'm guessing this is a pisser. I mean, you open with a "pee stained bed" and later "I know jujutsu, bitch" and then a nazi with a pink smart phone. This has got to be comedy at the very least, but apologies if this isn't a pisser. Either way, it could be much funnier.

Good job completing the OWC.

Congrats on finishing the OWC!

This is my first go round with the contest so all this talk about p@#$ takes is new.
I'll assume that this would be an intentionally bad script written to agitate or amuse the reviewer?  If that is the case, congrats to you!
If not...sheez...

The dialogue bounces back and forth and off all four walls like a raquetball match.

The premise is totally nuts.  What code?  I forgot already.

So many digits in the dialogue it looked like a phone book instead of a script.

Thanks for playing.

err congrats on completing a OWC? i'm hesitant because i'm not sure if this is a serious entry or you're just yanking our chains. then again, i like it when people yank on my chain.

this started off strong for me. it really did. i liked your descriptions. but then it started to unravel. i guess you were going for a comedic vibe, but i didn't find it all that funny.

the whole thing was just...silly. too silly for me unfortunately.

please excuse my brief review as i'm trying to read as many of these as possible in a short amount of time.

I have a feeling about this script, and the author...time will tell.

To me this strikes as a decent writer, short of time who rang out if ideas for an interesting...err... idea. Starts off a touch of ghost busters, which is good. Just then gets bogged down.

Simple, efficient, easy to film and has the supernatural. Storm a bit of an after thought, as it is in most scripts

As it has a humorous basis i feel the end needs to round this off, rather than a 70's psychological  thriller, with the "is there anybody out there finish."

all the best

I liked the premise.

The hurricane feels wedged in though.

I think you should find a way to make it more visual. Dont know how to do it in this case though.
Pete is a paranormal investigator and he doesn't act on it much, maybe make him more active somehow. Also he believed the Captain way too fast. micro budgedet too.

Why Himmler? To go back and forth in time and win the war? You have to let us know, I think

At first I was doing cartwheels. It's setup is not unlike a found-footage/ Paranormal Activity sort of thing, and it's one of the few FF sps in the OWC that uses the guidelines of the challenge very effectively. That said...

I has some doubt when i read 'the pee-stained bed'.

Quoted Text I�m gonna terminate your ass back to 1984.

Interesting choice of words. The Terminator was released in '84.
I'm not suggesting it's a bad line. Just interesting.

Bad lines include

Quoted Text I know jujutsu, bitch.

Quoted Text Oh, Petey. Being out on the ocean that long does things to ya. I�m just happy to be back, in some form anyway.

All in all, I don't know what this was supposed to be. The dialog meanders and crawls. What should have been a easy read became a chore.

I wouldn't say this was a pisser, but it was disappointing.

At first I was doing carwheels. It's setup is not unlike a found-footage/ Paranormal Activity sort of thing, and it's one of the few FF sps in the OWC that uses the guidelines of the challenge very effectively. That said...

I has some doubt when i read 'the pee-stained bed'.

Quoted Text I’m gonna terminate your ass back to 1984.

Interesting choice of words. The Terminator was released in '84.
I'm not suggesting it's a bad line. Just interesting.

Bad lines include

Quoted Text I know jujutsu, bitch.

Quoted Text Oh, Petey. Being out on the ocean that long does things to ya. I’m just happy to be back, in some form anyway.

All in all, I don't know what this was supposed to be. The dialog meanders and crawls. What should have been a easy read became a chore.

I wouldn't say this was a pisser, but it was disappointing.

Written well and format was right on but hit and miss on the comedy. I believe you hit on all the challenges so kudos to you. Congrats on writing the OWC.

The dialogue was pretty good, but the whole middle section was repetitive and didn't really go anywhere.

The premise started off strong, I got a real sense that there was a paranormal code of conduct and practices which was cool. But it degenerated into a nonsensical extortion plot that had nothing to do with the paranormal. Himmler appears to be supernatural for about a second before becoming just another bad guy with leverage.

Then you dive into dangerous territory with a Nazi character, even if he is entirely unbelievable, and you make light of the Holocaust, and the Third Reich wins in the end. What, exactly, was the message you wanted to convey here?

For a comedy as black as this, it needs to be funny and it isn't. Not at all. Decent writing but very poor choices, IMO.

I hate to have to repeat what a lot of people are saying, but it didn't make me laugh enough for a comedy. I know you can polish it up more, though. I wouldn't mind giving it another shot if you decided to update it after the big reveal.

Thanks for participating and congrats!

I found a few lines funny and made it all the way through.... the whole Pete on video is wrote wrong..

Have a small slug on the side

On the T.V

I agree you tried a pisstake.. I did the same thing in the last OWC..

AND NO I DIDNT WRITE THIS

It wasn't the worst for me.... But good job on finishing


Mark

The writer was having a blast whilst writing this IMO, unfortunately I was not while reading it.

Why did Pete pass out on the floor in the bathroom?

I didn't get the significance of Pete saying the numbers aloud at the end. He gave him the code, was it voice activated too?

There was a decision, it was low budget, so good on those.

Good job entering the OWC.

James

Piss take or not, I liked this.  I really did.  But that was most likely due to the fact that my mind immediately put Rik Mayall (as Captain Flasheart) into the role of the captain.  The rest, as the Americans say, was pure gravy.

Unfortunately this one didn't work for me. The stakes are pretty high - Pete has to choose between the lives of his family or possibly aiding a second holocaust. But this fell flat because it became a kind of comedy. A poor comedy at that.

A lot of your descriptions seem to contradict what has come previously and could be worded better. For example: 'Pete walks over and opens the door' is followed by 'The door is kicked in' - how could it be kicked in if it was already open? Then there's: 'Pete stands tall' followed by 'Pete rises to his feet'.

As a character, Pete just didn't ring true. He's a total nerd who wears a cheesy  t-shirt with his own name on it, yet he talks tough and acts cocky, being macho and cracking jokes. In fact, he came across as a big of an arrogant asshole. Then there's the Captain. He's supposed to be Himmler, but his dialogue makes him sound American. He also doesn't come across as very threatening either.

Taking refuge from a hurricane in a beat-up motel?
Check.

Odd but interesting character(s)?
Fail. The premise of the characters is interesting, but the realisation is poor.

Choosing between good & evil to survive the night?
Check. Kinda. His family's survival depends on the choice Pete makes.

Past supernatural event?
Check. He's a paranormal investigator.

Micro budget?
Check. This could be shot cheap enough.

Congratulations on writing a OWC entry.

There's a lot of things in this I didn't understand.

How is Himmler going to bring back the Nazi?  Is the DSS some sort of gateway?  How did Himmler get through in the first place and if he came through years ago, how does he know about Pete and his work, DSS and he must have possessed a lot of people if he can only stay in a body for short time period?

Others have suggested this is a comedy but I don't feel it.  If it is then you're brave to include Nazi's and the Holocaust in a comedy, even though they play little part.

I just didn't understand the concept with this one but I did like the idea of possession.

I thought this was an example of exactly the sort of thing not to write as a microbudget short.  

Whilst the concept was cool (it might work for an interesting feature) and the writing was ok -- this movie is completely told and not shown.

Too much exposition for my tastes, sorry.

Good job on getting something together for the OWC, however.  

This sets itself apart from the others with the intro. A proper character description of Pete also helps me imagine what he looks like. He's suitably odd.

End of Page 1/Page 2. Not sure about the format of PETE ON VIDEO, maybe

ON LAPTOP SCREEN

PETE (V.O.)
Dialouge

BACK TO SCENE

The Captain needs a better description when he's intro'd. From the title alone, I'm expecting WWII era military personnel. Some ambiguity here. Also, is it The Captain, or Captain?

The surreal nature of the dialouge in the exchange between Pete and Captain makes it hard to take the piece seriously. I'm banking that this is firmly rooted in pisser territory, but if at that, it just comes of as goofball corny. Sorry.

When I read the title, I thought it'd be like Poltergeist, just with Nazi ghosts instead of Native Americans or Kane. What I got instead was Ghostbusters Meet Hogan's Heroes before it's 'taken over' by Taken or any Harrison Ford action movie from the last 20 years. At one point, I think I half-expected to read the line "Get off my motel room!"

I understand that Ghostbusters involved ancient Sumerian gods bringing about the destruction of the world, but Ivan Reitman & Co. had a much larger budget and a much larger canvas to make it somewhat believable. The Ghost of Himmler trying to bring about a Fourth Reich from a seedy motel isn't interesting from a comedic or dramatic perspective. It's not even Bubba Ho-tep. I doubt it's Iron Sky.

Pete wasn't very likable, I thought. Unless he was Pete Venkman, as portrayed by Bill Murray (or the 'ghost' of the late Lorenzo Music). You kind of nailed that kind of character, as I pictured Zak Bagans from "Ghost Adventures" in my head, but that's not really a guy I can sympathize with. Every line sounded sarcastic and over-the-top. Which was fine when it was supposed to be funny. Then it arbitrarily became serious and it stuck out like a sore thumb.

I thought a few things were confusing too. I didn't get the ending. Did the Captain rip off Pete by giving him the motel's phone number? Also, why does Pete go to the bathroom and pass out? Is he that worn out after kicking the guy? I also didn't really get how the Ghost of Himmler knows so much about Pete and his family. Are the poltergeists in your story omnipotent? If so, why don't they already know the code?

I feel like the story suffered from bad planning. It's like the writer had an incomplete concept when they began, hoping they'd find it as they wrote it. Instead of finding the story's yang, it's like a lot of good, incoherent lightbulbs went off and were mistaken for that yang or were used as yang-substitute. Didn't work.

I'm not sure what the grading system is, but there's not much I would try to salvage from this, except for something funny in a hotel room involving Himmler's ghost. Like trying to perfect his homemade wiener schnitzel-flavored ramen recipe before he has to cross over, hoping this last gift to the world will redeem his past crimes against humanity. It wouldn't, but it'd be funny to see him try...and come close!

Well, it was an interesting premise - and could potentially have had interesting results if done seriously.  

On the flip side, kudos for trying to pull off a comedy within the restricted horror criteria of this OWC.

But - a light hearted romp with Himmler (who speaks with ya's and contemporary slang?)  Just *too* goofy...whether this was a piss take or not!    And the dialogue rambled...could definitely use a tightening up!  (Though I *did* personally like "I know jujutsu, bitch!")

Still -  cheers and best to Alice, whoever you are...  

--Janet (Wonka)

Other than a few technical issues on the first page, this was going okay and I like the idea of a paranormal investigator which is a solid choice of character this set challenge. Although I would question him being a so-called nerd in this such profession dealing with ghosts and ghouls.

What happened?! Well this bloke called the Captain turned up and we started getting lines like "I know jujutsu, bitch." Then Pete kept rising to his feet even though he was in a karate stance a page earlier and then some nonsense about nazi ghosts coming back and taking revenge. Oh, I forgot. They have also kidnapped his family but moved them somewhere secret - a bunker perhaps.

The dialogue was a mixed batch, some of it was good while some was very bad. There was a line in there about them becoming the dominant race again. Huh? Does he mean ghosts? Or Nazi's? Yeah, I was confused at times by this one.

Sorry, didn't really get into this one.  I think this was a comedy but it didn't get many laughs from me I'm afraid.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Steve

Ghosts of the Third Reich by - A nerdy ghost hunter must negotiate with a Nazi poltergeist in order to save his family or face a second Holocaust.
Brief - same as logline.

Locations & Sets  -  Interior, motel room @ night. Interior, basement. Interior, motel bathroom
Actors  -  PETE(30s), THE CAPTAIN(40s),
Costumes  -  Pete’s nerd outfit, The Captain’s military uniform and peaked hat
Props  -  pee-stained bed cover, video camera for destruction, cable, laptop computer, thick glasses, shirt that reads “PETE PODOLNIK, PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR” with a printed silhouette image of himself, silver future gun, iphone + pink case, door mirror to break
Audio FX  -  Dani & Pete’s voicemail recordings, beep, storm sounds, light to escalating knocks on door.
Visual FX  -  Green screen initial basement shots onto laptop
Other  -  rain on window, likely replacement of kicked in door, crash pads for fall to floor
Genre & Marketability - Paranormal horror suspense . Very marketable for a short
Comments  -  Since Pete announces his name and occupation on pg2 we can skip the expense of producing the t-shirt of the same. Interesting characters. Himmler speaks very good contemporary English! (Hmm... ) Turn off your screenwriting program’s mores and continueds feature. Ho-lee sh!t. On pg6 it states The Captain drops the phone on the bed, so all of this since the knocking at the door has been going on in the motel room AND NOT in the basement video! Okay, you might consider making a better distinction of that back on pg2. Both motel rooms have doors and basements on video have doors that can be knocked upon. I’d eliminate the cracked bathroom door mirror element. Fairly nice story. Only need to move the camera around a few times within the room + the basement pick up shot. Very exciting dialog. Ending needs a complete rework, though. Script format: fair. Final word: Definitely a possible production candidate.

$1,000 - $2,000  Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/ 10.5 Screenplay Pages
= $95 - $190  Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Odd but interesting character(s) - yes. I liked both of them very much
take refuge from a hurricane - yep
in a beat-up motel - yep
and are forced to make a choice - yep
between good or evil - yep
in order to survive the night. - not really, Pete’s family is on the line, but not Pete. Captain’s fighting the clock so he doesn’t really have a choice between good or evil to survive.
Each character must -
have some history involving a supernatural event in their lives - yep
that factors into their choice. - yep, sorta
Genre is open. - Paranormal horror suspense
This is a micro-budget short, - very much so
so no destruction of the motel, - yep
no children or animals - yep
and minimal special effects. - yep
BONUS! Story also included:
mime(s) - none
dinosaur(s) - none

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WBdeA3ZfngPz7NfJg_5DSBUFsZXkicfyNQHRc8Bg2SQ/edit

I really liked the log line.  I thought it started off strong and it was a funny idea, but it kinda stagnated as it went on.  There was a lot going on in the dialog and I didn't really get quite what was going on towards the end.  

Without reading the log line first there was no indication that the captain was German when he was intro-ed, not a big point, but I felt some indication that the Captain had a German accent was needed.  

Good idea, had some funny moments.

I wanted to like this one more than I did. I was happy that Himmler was smarter than Pete but neither one was overly smart. It seemed that whenever you had a clever line, you followed it up with a boring line of Pete yelling at Himmler, asking where his family was. That got tiresome after a while.

The ending made no sense as some pointed out. Why isn't the phone in service? But, the writing was a little sub-par. The "Pete On Video" was bad. The "On Video" part should've been a parenthetical or part of the prose.

Anyway, it was... just all right. Maybe a little less.

C-.

Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley Interesting choice of words. The Terminator was released in '84.

I'm going to guess that since he's a paranormal investigator, he was probably referring to "Ghostbusters" instead, which also came out in '84.

Hmm, I feel like this is another one of these type of 'comic' interpretations of the theme where the author was perhaps enjoying himself while writing it, but it doesn't quite deliver to the audience... well, at least this reader.

Your logline roped me in but when all was said and done it wasn't quite there for me.

Good attempt at something different, though.

Liked the ghost hunter idea, but the banter between Pete and the Captain at midpoint became a little overdone and was let down by the end, which makes me think that this was rushed. A few too many unanswered questions within the script.

Good effort.

Oh hi,

Thank you everyone for your reads and comments.

So this was mine and no, this was not a pisser but thank you for asking anyway.

In all seriousness I can see how it could get lost in translation due to the mildly comical undertones, but it was not the intent to to make it seem like a comedy - because it wasn't.  That's why it wasn't funny and I completely agree because it wasn't supposed to be.  A script coming off as a bad comedy though, eh, a week's work can go either way.  If I'm writing something funny it'll be lol quality.

To answer the ending; it plays into the Nazis betraying every country they made an accord with during WWII.  The Captain says the phone number will lead Pete to his family, but the last shot is of a pad of paper with the motel's number on it.  So he purposely gave him the wrong number, never meaning to actually live up to his end of the bargain.  And I chose Himmler because I thought Hitler would be too cliche.

This was an idea I wanted to write a feature for but it never really came around so I tried a condensed version here and yeah, little too much on the tech stuff.  But I still love the concept and hope to try the feature again and this still fit the challenge parameters nicely so I take it as a success on that aspect.

Thanks again,

Greg

Well, I admire your ambition and the concept you had in mind, but a few things need to be changed before you take another crack at it. Two concepts that I think would greatly help you accomplish your goal: history and verisimilitude.

History, because I feel like you barely have a grasp of who Himmler was and what he did. The Heinrich Himmler of history seemed very quiet, cultivated, and cold. You portrayed him as being somewhat boisterous and over-the-top, with lines like "Hi, Pete! Great to see ya!" Toht from Raiders of the Lost Ark comes closer to resembling the real Himmler. He was quiet, snakelike, wore glasses, super-intelligent, and extremely manipulative. It took the wrath of God to wipe that dude out. If you pretended Himmler was Toht, then I think you'd come a lot closer to nailing the right tone.

Verisimilitude is taking an unbelievable concept/premise and making it believable. It's commonly associated with one of my favorite movies--if you can't tell by my avatar--Superman. Richard Donner and Tom Mankiewicz swore by verisimilitude and not only made us believe a man could fly, but that he also could participate in everyday life, here on Earth. In other words, it held water and that's why it's so good.

This should be the backbone of your story. I barely believed anything in your script. I didn't believe that the real ghost of Himmler had come to America, I didn't believe that Pete's family was really in danger, I didn't believe that Himmler actually had an army of the undead at his disposal, I didn't believe that he'd automatically betray Pete "just because he's a Nazi." And it's not all about revealing this stuff in exposition, either. You've gotta figure out the most natural way of working it in. It seems like a lot of work, but I think if you hold yourself to a pretty tight standard, you'll get it.

Quoted Text This was an idea I wanted to write a feature for but it never really came around so I tried a condensed version here and yeah, little too much on the tech stuff.  But I still love the concept and hope to try the feature again and this still fit the challenge parameters nicely so I take it as a success on that aspect.

I would try to perfect the short before you work on the feature. You've got a pretty wild concept and a narrow margin of error. You came nowhere close to hitting the mark you set for yourself. The short is a good testing ground that you can use to get the tone of the characters and the story right before you transfer/translate it to a bigger canvas and longer runtime.

But for heaven's sake, don't give up on this. I'm a big history buff and I want to believe Himmler is actually trying to assemble the Undead Third Reich from a sleazy motel room.

Dan,

Thank you for your thoughts.  History, specifically WWII era, has been something I've studied purely out of interest, so as a result it underlines a lot of stuff I write.  Himmler indeed was quiet, cultivated, and cold but that wouldn't have made him odd nor interesting in such a short amount of time, so I chose to go for something completely different; from a visual aspect having him burst into the room, kick the guy's ass, and be a little off the walls I feel worked better than knocking and saying hello.  Again - 12 pages to work with and a batch of 36 scripts - need to differentiate.

The feature outline is much toned down because it's higher concept.  I'm not going to get too into specifics but in it the ghosts and main character are much darker.  I've planned to use Pete but hold him in a supporting comic relief role.

I love the idea and if anything this exercise has shown what may not work as well if I go ahead with the feature.  

Thanks again for your thoughts,

Greg

Read this book

The Reality Dysfunction
by Peter F Hamilton (1996)

before you rewrite.