I just read this one and loved it! I totally forgot to take notes even. The best one I’ve read so far and I think I’ve read 20! Great work. You kept me guessing and wanting more. I loved the end too. Stuck in there forever! Great work whoever you are!

I enjoyed this one.... It flowed very easily and the story was pretty good..

Straight off with sex and then a condom(remember the microbudget)

So Savannha had sex with the devil and spawned a child...

One of favs

Mark

Congrats on finishing the oWC!

You started off with a hard R almost X-rated script.  Set the tone nicely.

Having sex while your baby is in the tub next door and expect company any second is very telling of the two characters.  I'm sure Jackson intended to throw on pants, but that's your responsibility.

You danced around the issue until page 7 before you revealed the situation, but I felt you gave us enough hints to figure it out. Given the criteria it wasn't difficult to guess what was happening.

But, I agree the ending was too simple.  Not enough punishment for Jackson and his wife.  

Very good writing though.  Dialogue rambled a little.

Thanks for playing.

Out of all the ones I've read so far this one seemed to be the best fit for the challenge brief.   Whilst it could probably be enhanced a bit more and maybe have a different ending - it's still pretty good as it is.

Though I understand why a number of people felt the sex was out of place, I think it was essential to making the characters have depth.  The act itself told us so much about the characters - beyond what we see on screen - so good job on that.

And great job on your OWC script.

First of all, I don't see the hard R rating at all. I just rewatched Girl with the dragon tattoo yesterday. Pretty graphic, but because of camera angles it's fine. We get the picture.

As far as the baby in the tub goes. It's not a regular baby...

I thought it was great and I wanted to know what IT was.  

PS. about starting with the sex scenes, it's a great set-up since she says she didn't have an orgasm and later it is revealed she had sex with the devil and Gabriel asks if she "cum".

This definitely hit most of the parameters. I wouldn't be surprised if it had been written by a certain MOD.

I think the choice presented to them was taken quite lightly. They just basically shrugged their shoulders and said, take the child. I know this is a result of page constraints, but I think it would've served this script better had you forced the choice a tad earlier in the script. Get to watch them sweat it out a bit.

I will say that this is by far one of the more intriguing efforts I've read. Has a nice slow build to it. The build of a script that should be five pages longer. You've got to pull the trigger and get it going on these challenges. That was the only thing I can fault you for here.

One of my faves, good job entering the OWC...

James

Pretty good idea and good use of exposition so an infant wouldn't be required for a possible production.

My only major issue was toward the end the dialogue just wouldn't end and it seemed like I was playing a game of 20 Questions to make sure I got all the details.

Overall a good take.

Greg

I guess my first question would have to be about Jackson... was he nude throughout? And if so, I don't want to know where he keeps his lighter.

A very dialogue heavy script, but unlike the others I've come across which I found boring at times, this one was very good and kept me intrigued. The author has a real knack for dialogue it seems.

The mystery surrounding what was in the bathtub was really well-handled, letting the reader use their imagination to work out what "it" was.

When it came out about the devil and Savannah having sex and spawning the devil's child (which I felt needed to come earlier BTW) I can't say it was a surprise. What was a surprise was that they would do this over something as trivial as a book - what if they couldn't have a child of their own and were so desperate that a deal with the devil seemed like a last resort, could have more of an emotional impact later when giving up the child. Just an idea but I do feel it needs to be a better reason than a book.

Thought the ending could be better, and did come off a bit flat but this is a solid entry for very hard challenge. And kudos for ticking off all the requirements - good job.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Steve

The only thing I can add to this is ....about the sex scene...my idea would've been to get in a little later and get out faster. That way we know it happened AND we still know she didn't orgasm from it. I have no prob with it starting that way...but I would've gotten in 'later'.

Decent story though...the whole throw the steak in the shower was like a WTF ...remnded me of a feature I read with a dead baby in the fridge!! LOL

Quoted from Pale Yellow The only thing I can add to this is ....about the sex scene...my idea would've been to get in a little later and get out faster...'

This comment just cracked me up.  
Sorry Dena, I know you're talking about the 'scene' mechanics here, but the double entendre is perfect.

Libby.

Quoted from LC This comment just cracked me up.   Sorry Dena, I know you're talking about the 'scene' mechanics here, but the double entendre is perfect. Libby.

lol yeah right sorry...it is so male typical though -- the outcome ...but yes, I was most DEFINITELY only talking about scene mechanics here just to make it clear *funny tho*

I loved this one!

I loved Savannah and Jackson’s dysfunctional relationship and their back/forth banter. I liked how you kept the “devil baby” thing a mystery and hidden behind curtains, etc – added more to the intrigue. I thoroughly enjoyed everything and wanted more – I really wanted to know what exactly happened between Savannah and her encounter with the devil and that whole experience…sounds awfully crazy.

The line “Don’t expect this storm to pass” chilled me.

My favorite so far. Congrats.

I much enjoyed this entry.  It was clean, smooth read, easy to follow, and I wasn't annoyed by the amount of dialogue. The dialogue helped drive the story nicely.

One suggestion would be to consider Savannah having second thoughts on her decision about the baby.  Create a little conflict between Savannah and Jackson to heighten the tension.  

And maybe the baby wails every now and then in the background.  Savannah hears the baby, and Jackson hears the wind.

I liked Gabriel and his command of the scene.  The ending left me wanting. I did want to know what this baby looked like, so you did a great job of holding my attention.  Overall, a great little story and I'm good with the sex at the start.

*Spoilers*

This one had bits to like - nice premise.  In theory, you could do tons with it - both with examining what the situation would do to the couple's relationship, and what the HECK do you do with a Satanic baby?  (And then the moral question of whether one should kill a baby...even a demonic one?)

But for me, the dialogue wandered a bit too much.  And the end...didn't quite logically scan for me.  Why is limbo their fate?  

So this one wasn't for me.  Though I see where there could be promise.

** BTW - I *did* enjoy the reveal re: what was in the bathtub.  Nice build-up of mystery!

--J

You had some good lines in this, and it was one of the quickest reads of the challenge, IMO.

Sorry for not having anything really constructive to say-- I think it's already been covered in other reviews.

Anyway, this is one of my favorites of the challenge. Great job completing the OWC.