The P.R. Meeting by Five - Horror - A group of witches review a proposal from a public relations agency to improve their image. (PG) - pdf, format

PR meeting

SPOLIERS

Logline. - I quite like the idea behind this but it doesn't strike me as horror, let's see...

Minor point, First slug is rather long could do with a dash by board room
To get to??
Five pages in and this is definitely a comedy !
As I go, the multiple names is hard to grasp who is who, other than Muriel and her wind, I can't picture any of them
P7 yo serve?

Finished.

First off, this is not horror, not even tries to be, which is disappointing as that is the aim.

I like comedy, I like sketches, which what this is, and whilst it has some fun lines it lacks focus, too many characters and little conclusion. I like the concept but it needs some work as a sketch.

Grade - this is hard as it the WRONG genre (could  be a bit higher if we allowed comedy and could be quite good with work)

D

This was probably written in trelby. The problem here with trelby is that it has this margin problem where it adds I think 60 lines to a page rather than the standard 56-58, making it seem as if the writer capped the page  to the top when in fact, it's just the software doing it.

The hyphen after INT. isn't needed and may turn some peeps off.

I think that with every script I've read, I've found a mistake/typo on the first page. If anything, I really really think writers should read the first page a few times to find any errors. It doesn't look good.

I've already forgotten who was who, too many names.

Reading further at the moment, hopefully there are more layers to the story than 6 witches contemplating some kind of product.

I contemplated skimming to the end, but decided against it. Looking back, I probably should have since none of the dialogue was very interesting and I zoned out. Ending probably would've make sense had the script not been so convoluted. I could see you put real effort into your idea but the idea itself is one that doesn't work. Unless you were purposely going for a low budget script, this was really lacking in every department. There's potential in your writing but you can't pull readers in with six people talking about nothing for 6 pages. Needs work.

Grade: D

Format looks odd with margins, but it could be a diffrent writing program.
There's a lot of characters in this; even the writer forgets who's who. The evidence is on the first page, as MIRANDA speaks before she's iintroduced. Miranda's not off screen or anything-we see the panel.

What bugs me about the piece is that there's references to film and TV shows. It's like a witch geek meeting. Blah blah blah...babble and babble. Halfway in I knew this was just that, with no horror. I hoped for dark coffin humor, but I didn't get that either.

It's just nothing more than a 'take me out of the script please' with a load of pop culture seated on the doorstep/



Sorry. Does nothing for me....except put me under a sleep spell. I almost didn't get through it.

This could have been better than it was. Some of the pop culture references (there were a lot) could have been used to good effect by making them a side conversation instead of the main conversation for half the script, but most were just extraneous. The ending with the frog didn't have much of an impact and Lilith got really annoying as her only lines seemed to be "Let's get back on track". The most interesting character was Muriel because, at least, she had two things going on that gave her a bit of character. A few of them didn't even have one thing. It was too long-winded without a lot of interesting stuff going on.

C-.

Really?  I hope this is a pisser, because it sure doesn't look like the writer made the slightest effort to work within the challenge.  This is comedy, pure and simple. Not an inklin of horror to be found.

6 talking heads saying stupid shit and referencing pop culture?  Really?

Damn...terrible...just terrible.  Complete waste of my time and anyone else's who decides to give 10 minute of their life to this.

Hey writer,

Yes, I understand it doesn't quite fit the horror genre--at all. Comedy really. However, this has been my favorite read up until this point. For six talking heads, the dialogue was pulled off well.  The ending, however contrived, was great. Nice visuals throughout, as well as an interesting premise. Good work.

I have a sneaking suspicion about who the writer is on this one. I guess we'll see.
But no vote on this, as you missed the horror mark by a mile. Which was probably your intention.

Steve

Pg. 1 It’s a lot of characters to introduce once, but Lilith, Jezebel, and Miranda all need proper intros. Do we really need this many character? We’ll see.

Pg. 5 Dialogue has too many asides and the characters are as easy to confuse as I worried they would be. I don’t have a sense that this is going anywhere.

This definitely wasn’t horror. More comedy. And even that aspect wasn’t working for me. The writing was fairly consistent, and the basic concept is humorous, but the story is nearly non-existent and told entirely through dialogue. Sorry, but this didn’t do anything for me.

Congrats on completing the OWC though.

Check your slugs, man. You don't put a dash after INT/EXT. or instead of a period. Not a huge deal, I suppose, but it looks like you're making typos. That's not an impression you want to give off... unless you actually are making typos in which case... check your slugs, man.

Other than that, I found the writing pretty breezy albeit extremely dialogue heavy. Said dialogue is decent. Occasionally too obvious for my taste but often clever and fun.

The jokes are about half and half. Some of them are cute. Some of them are too cute. Some are too easy. But comedy doesn't work for everyone the same way, I suppose.

Towards the end, I feel the script starting to drag but I made it through pretty quickly and un-irked. I liked the ending as well. It's a nice contrast to all the chitchat and as a stand alone image, it's creepy but also funny in an anti-humor sort of way.

Overall, pretty well written. I liked it. I don't think it fits the challenge though. It's straight up comedy, not horror. You've got the witches but I don't think the concept, clever as it is, is even fit for a horror version. It's inherently comedic.

It's also much more of a sketch than an actual story. The premise is set up early and everything that follows is intended to make good on that premise. But it's all sort of stream of consciousness meandering and joke-telling with characters who are all interchangeable. I did like the names you picked though.

So yeah. Good overall. In the context of the OWC, not so good.

Have to say straight of the bat that your logline doesn’t really spark a huge ‘wow’ moment of interest in me. Your logline should wreak interest and pull the reader in. (not that mine was the best either – I even have a typo – I should know better)

I thought you had a bit of a story going until it turned out to be a ‘talking heads’ piece that kind of went nowhere. I would have to say that Rick turning into the frog was the best part of the story, but then that’s not what I would call horror either – so on challenge terms, it’s a no go.

With one page equalling one minute of time – action in scenes needs to keep rolling – witches siting in a room for 8 minutes chattering, IMO, is not all that interesting. You need to spice things up, cut the chatter and add more action.

With a rewrite you could take this places, but as it stands, it wasn’t for me, sorry.

Renee

I thought this was a really cool concept, challenge-wise this isn't horror in the slightest but I still enjoyed the read. The bantering between the witches was fun, it read well and kept me entertained. I liked the pop culture references and the last visual.

Good read, not horror but as a short alone I liked it.

Some entertaining dialogue. Sorry, that's all I got. I had no problem reading it. Didn't really make me laugh as intended, but the writer has enough talent that they could contribute to a writing team. I just can't find anything more to say about this. Where's the viagra, I'm drawing blanks!

Quoted from KevinLenihan Where's the viagra, I'm drawing blanks!

Kev - WTF?  

*Spoilers*

Okay, that aside...  Obviously, this one is definitely not horror - more of a sketch comedy bit.  (Gee, kinda reminds me of something I did during the last Witch OWC!)  I liked the sensibility of it in general, though most of the jokes fell flat for me personally. Of course, humor is extremely subjective, so I'm not saying it's not funny.  Just that it didn't make *me* giggle.

For me, the ending just... ran out of steam.  No big bang.  Just Rick, turning into a frog.  If the writer revisits this one, I'd say try to find something that's a crazy - but logical - conclusion to a bunch of witches marketing their 'brand.'  Do I know what that would be?  No - but finding that hook would be the best way to sharpen this one up!

Cheers,

--J

Overall the writing was witty but more like a sit com ensemble scene.

Coming after the many responses before mine I tend to agree with those who found this too far away from horror. In fact, the climax of turning Rick into a frog was the funniest element of the story.

A fun read, but not for this witches/horror challenge.

To any and all:
If you're interested and just for fun, here's a link to 9 Horror Films, each under 9 minutes.

http://theweek.com/article/ind.....amp;utm_medium=email

The good news is that this was a fast read - to be expected from a dialogue heavy script.

The bad news is that this wasn't any good whatsoever - six witches chat about nothing interesting and then... well, to be honest, I drifted in and out of this one so I may have missed the whole point by the end. I think the P.R guy turns into a frog?

I'm sorry but this was poor, surprising because the author can write no doubt.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Steve