Grammar errors and fragments aside, the story was engaging for most of the read.  I thought the ending was clever, but there were many outcomes this could've explored.

Overall, I'd say the writing stands between the story.  I thought the massacre was handled fairly well.  Slugs could've been better.

Solid effort & a fairly rounded story.

Johnny

I thought you did it. I thought you went for it. The title suggests it. This was the perfect candidate to demonstrate the prejudices against modern Wiccans. Modern witches minus all the magic. I was convinced this was where you were going. And I think this short would have been better for it. I made notes with this assumption in mind.

This entry had a nice blue collar touch. Regular small town folks. Small town ignorances. I liked some of the dialogue.  "Pierce the boil." "Justice don't care whose hands its in." The uninterested sheriff seems to share the town's hate of "others". Duke believes in superstitions. He has a rabbit foot. So he likely believes in the supernatural.  He believes Wiccans could be magic witches.  I do like that Duke doesn't see Camilla shapeshift into Pam. These ideas show what I was thinking.

There is some intense moments. Relentless action. Unsettling murders. Disturbing executions of the helpless. This is where I thought Duke realized how crazy his beliefs are. How dangerous hate can be. How crazy the town is. I thought this was the real horror. That humans can do this to each other. Destructive people purging their aggressions. The end could have Duke killing the prejudice leader of town and saving Wiccans. Or dying in the process.

Some intense action. Interesting characters. Could have been explored further. Endinf missed the mark from my earlier expectations.

Pg. 6 At this point I started wondering whether we should be calling them Wiccans

So the message here is that sometimes the murderous angry mob is… right?

I’m going to echo PrussianMosby here. I think the author wanted to slip in a wickedly subversive twist ala “Frailty”, but for me it only worked to justify the massacre. As if we actually should be scared of the ‘Wicca’. It kinda left a bad taste in my mouth, honestly.

I don’t think that was the author’s intention of course. I just think this story didn’t come together in a really weird way. This would’ve been a pretty good entry with a different ending.

Congrats and good luck going forward.

Weighted Matrix: https://docs.google.com/spread.....TTUE&usp=sharing

Producer's Notes: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NNGaVlrrpkjIfp-BRGjpTE03W1e5lZuRceJ3wQECYaI/edit?usp=sharing

12. Wicca by Fattie - Horror - The Wicca must die - unless, of course, they are innocent.
Brief - A whole lotta people between wiccan hippies and farmers and police killed the budget

Location(s)  - Wicca campsite, farm, police station interior & exterior
Cast - too many
Protagonist(s)  -  
JAMILLA, 30, attractive, long dark hair
PAM, 32, attractive brunette
FARMHANDS 4X
MILES, 34,
DUKE, 45,
MARK, 38, in a long blue robe, bearded
HIPPIES 10X
DAVE, 54,  grey police uniform, overweight and
mustachioed
Genre & Marketability -
Comments  -  This cast is starting to kill you before the end of pg 2. Story kinda jumps around a bit. Calling this quits midway through pg 3, can't afford this cast.
Script format - fair.
Final word - Story's slow, cast too large

     Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/      Screenplay Pages
= $      Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

I liked this when I first started reading...  touches of nice, streamlined writing.  But then - the story just didn't seem to go anywhere, and became more of a Sam Peckinpah/Quentin Taratino kills the witches bit.  Lots of Wiccans shot, lots of blood flying.  But the story suffered as a result.  Mind you, I liked the one touch with Jamilla turning into Pam, and the switch where the supposedly innocent Wiccans prove to actually be dangerous.  So I'm not saying that this doesn't have decent aspects.  Just that - it would have been more effective if it hadn't turned so fully into an all-out shoot 'em up.

Cheers,

--J (W)