I read the whole thing last night and something happened and I didn't post comments.

I remembered this morning, but completely forgot what the script was about, which isn't a good thing.  And that's where I'll start - this is, sorry to say, completely forgettable.  Nothing here to remember or really care about, as very little happens, story-wise, and just about nothing happens action-wise.

Writing is OK, but nothing to write home about.  It has a very canned, generic feel and look to it.  Sentences are all very short and dully written.  Like a few others, the writer also likes to write in fragments, and not connect them with a comma, and omit subjects.  I am against all this, but others don't even seem to notice it.  The writing itself, like the read, is rather forgettable.

But, all that being said, this isn't a poor effort by any means and compared to the OWC pack, you're definitely in the top 50%.  This just didn't resonate with me in any way, but overall, you did a commendable job here.

Good work.

Initially, it felt like we are in good hands.  Although the writing is a bit heavy-handed before we get to the inciting incident, I was on-board. We have a character with a motive and a course of action, with some corporate witchcraft thrown in.

The story then hits some road cones, careens off course and smashes into an outhouse. I’m like ‘wait a minute, what the blank did I miss?’ The ending of your script falls off the seat and into the dump.
Actually it wasn’t that bad. It’s more a case of disappointing choices. I didn’t care for the ending, obviously. It just didn’t seem to fit.

Bill is a bit of a puzzle, which is a good thing.  As long as his character is consistent.  He's also no hero. We can't root for him.
He’s “cooking the books,” but is he compensated for it? Thus he can't go to the authorities.
Or is he being coerced and used? Is he taking company money to pay for Sebastian's hit? I guess his plan is to off Sebastian, continue embezzling, and then keep all the $$. If he's capable of murder, he's capable of stealing.
Mrs. Halliman knows his motives.

During the negotiation with Halliman, I would like to have seen more revelation of Bill's character. Because $$ is involved, maybe there are different plans of execution offered. Each with a different price, as Halliman can explain. This would clue us in on how Bill thinks. He has money, and is willing to pay. But what are his limits? How ruthless is he?  

When Bill goes back to the office, his conversation with Sebastian initially threw me. I thought they were co-conspirators.  Turns out Seb is his boss, the target of Bill’s evil plot.

Sebastian, as presented, is not a stereotypical corporate criminal.  I liked that. We don’t see him in that light. But Bill is obviously shady. He’s a weak man in my opinion, but definitely runs in the gutter. So, why not make him the victim of his own misdeeds? If he can’t bear Sebastian’s suffering, maybe he has to finish the job.  Force him out of his comfort zone. Which will then add murder to his resume.

It seems as if Sebastian was poisoned. Not that a witch can't be the cause. But we don't see Halliman do anything that suggests she's a witch. She seems to be more of a gypsy psychic.

If this is a setup to get Bill, then go back and set it up properly. Halliman should be in control from the get-go. We don't know how Bill came to learn of her services. Maybe he mentions that she was a referral.  Or that he found her on Craigslist, ha ha.  

This is a good effort that needs rethinking. Nice job for one week.

Ok, for starters, just a quick little nit pick about something that bothered me - page 6: The Receptionist types, hard. - OK, we get it - she thrashes the keyboard!

I liked the little twist at the end with Timmy and how he played into this. I didn't think anything was wrong with it and I got it.

But given the challenge was horror - IMO this did not meet the challenge. As much as I liked the story and it was a clean read, there was nothing really scary in this for me. A good job on a well rounded short though.

Renee

Some of the writing is pretty good and the concept might be good if executed differently, but overall this is a bit of a mess. Way too many beats, hollow characters, a backstory that feels included for emotional impact but has none, and an ending that comes out of the blue when it should have been foreshadowed better. Also no horror, just witches.

I'm not a fan of this one. Good job completing it though.

I think this is a great idea.  It's one of the most character revealing scripts of the bunch.  Good mystery too.  I would say that this needs more to fire on all cylinders.

The writing is decent, overwritten in some areas that didn't warrant it.  I thought Bill's past was great, but I was a little worried that it was not going to be revisited.  I was wrong, and that's a payoff as far as I'm concerned.

I think it could be possible to explore some of the consequences of Bill's transaction.  Basically I'm saying the story can go beyond a short.  I did think the ending was good here, but the story lacked in the horror department.

Good job.

Johnny

Loved the clarity of dialog and description -- although the latter coulfd have been tightened a bit. Would have liked a stronger ending. When you refer to a torch instead of a flashlight I assume you're British, not American, which explains the clarity and succinctness. Nice job.  

This one didn't jump out at me as a great script as it did with some others. It read quickly enough, but I didn't care for so many short, choppy sentences.

Though the writing seemed okay technically, I didn't really FEEL anything for Bill. He's the protagonist, so shouldn't I be rooting for him? I think I needed a valid reason WHY he left Timmy in the woods. Then maybe I could understand him better. By just thinking he left a kid in the woods to die didn't make him very likable. Protagonists need at least SOME likability factor.

I didn't have a problem with the author tying Timmy in with the receptionist, This was a good effort, but I think it needs more work to be memorable.

Weighted Matrix: https://docs.google.com/spread.....TTUE&usp=sharing

Producer's Notes: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NNGaVlrrpkjIfp-BRGjpTE03W1e5lZuRceJ3wQECYaI/edit?usp=sharing

15. A Bill To Pay by ? - Horror - Bill has been searching for the answer to an urgent problem. He ends up at the Gardner Building. Will he find a way out in there?
Brief - Man wants his boss gone, but fails to specify "how" - with consequences.

Location(s)  - Office building interior & exterior, office 2X, parking lot, boardroom, hospital
Cast - 6, 4 if we get rid of that superfluous old man and Helena
Protagonist(s)  -  
BILL, 30s, skinny, casual clothes
OLD MAN with a cravat around his neck
SEBASTIAN, 40s, big guy, smartly dressed
HELENA, 30s, long hair pulled back and earrings
Antagonist(s)  -
RECEPTIONIST, 40s, frizzy red hair and bright red lipstick
MRS. HALLIMAN, ??, craggy face, white hair bun
Genre & Marketability - Supernatural Horror, light. Definitely a "Twilight Zone"-esque story. Portrays modern witches in an unfavorable light.
Comments  -  "RECEPTIONIST - No. Not her name. We done that already. Your name.
" LMAO! I liked that. In fact, I like much of the dialog. Alright, by pg 7 you're up to six cast members. Groan @ one more location: hospital. Could you think of a more inaccessible location? The number of locations are killing this, too. Ending's a bit curt, but it's overall fairly good. Kinda weak on the horror, though. Very clean formatting - excellent!
Script format - Excellent.
Final word - Wobbly end, great dialog. Can't use.

$1,000 - $3,000     Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/ 9.8               Screenplay Pages
= $102 - 306          Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Modern Witches and/or Warlocks - Yes!
Horror - Meh... pretty weak on the horror.

I thought I'd answer a few of the questions posed now it's all over.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer Is the Gardener building something important to be named? I looked it up on Wikipedia - if it's the same on sits a listed building, but nothing of note. Why use it in the logline?

I mentioned it in the logline as I'm never happy writing them and this time was no exception. It seemed like a reasonable idea at the time. For those who know their witches and the like, Gardner is a name associated with them.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer Going in 'He hesitates' is probably enough - the rest just confuses

I was trying to build a bit of tension. A man in two minds. Ah well.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer Bit too much going on. Also I didn't really get the compassion and the misunderstanding also didn't work for me. On reflection the VO at the beginning don't tie into anything else.

Oh dear. I thought the VO might build a bit of intrigue and anticipation. But then again I always think I'm gonna win everytime I buy a lottery ticket.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer But I do like the premise of a flawed man asking for a killing only to have it backfire, but for me the script needs a bit of work.

Oh. I did put quite a bit in. Never mind. I think it appealed to some but they are few and far between.

Quoted from jayrex Also, since this isn't new to him with Timmy, I'm puzzled why Bill would have a change of heart and want Seb to get better

Timmy happened a long time ago when they were kids. Bill isn't heartless. He was a guy in an awkward spot trying to get out of it. He didn't expect things to go the way they did.

Quoted from pale yellow Not sure about this. Or even what happened at the end...other than that ...really good job.

Glad you appreciated the title and other things. Sadly the end didn't play out for quite a few. I'd hoped the 'hoisted by own petard' theme would go down better. See my earlier comments regarding lottery tickets.

Quoted from Forgive Unfortunately, like the other posters have said, the latter half of it really falls a bit flat for me. I was kinda surprised, because by the look of the early writing it seemed like the writer really knew what they were doing.

I still think I know what I'm doing. But then again, I would do, wouldn't I?

Quoted from Forgive Maybe this was longer piece that got hacked short. Red-haired Timmy failed for me

No, it wasn't. If I was inclined I could have made it longer. Now, there's a good joke there somewhere.

Timmy failed... That poor lad never had a lot of luck. I toyed with the idea of using a flashback, but it would have been waving a flag a bit too much.

Quoted from stevemiles Solid writing and a well handled sense of mystery really pulled me into this.  I like the way you twisted the readers expectations of Bill -- starting out somewhat geeky and nervous only to reveal a darker, more desperate side to his character.

Thanks SM. I thought your script was a fine bit of work. One of the few to evoke an actual sinister atmosphere. Glad you saw what I was attempting to do.

Quoted Text If I’m honest the ending fell flat for me, which is a shame given the strong build-up.  I think you needed turn the screws harder on Bill, as he seemed to get off too lightly for his indecision.  A great idea, just needs more sting in the tail. Who was the Old Man in the cravat?  What was his role here?

Alas. Do you have to be honest? Ahem, just joking. Indeed it is a shame. You're probably right. I was going for more of a conscience pricking and moral aspect that didn't sit well with quite a few.

The Old Man was was an associate of Halliman. I left it open to interpretation as I'm that way inclined.

More later...

Firstly, I should thank those who read and commented on the script. It wasn't a favourite and judging from many comments, the end was not well received by quite a few. Still, I've had worse.

A few more comments. I'll try not to repeat myself or doth protest too much.

Quoted from nawazm11 I wouldn't classify this as horror but this really did feel like a modern story of witchcraft

Thanks for that. I kinda prefer those sinister type horror movies than the all out bloodbaths.
Sorry to hear you found the end laughable, Kinda pops any bubble that was forming. Oh well.

Quoted from StevenClark It just took too long to get where it was going, and the payoff wasnt that big

That's fair enough. Seems quite a few felt that way. I liked the idea of the guy being played from the off.

Quoted from StevenClark Oh, and the voice overs didn't work for me either. Again, drop em and you got the same story here.

Maybe. I had more VO in it which I did drop. But I found losing it all together made the start less than it already was.

Quoted from KevinL Bill started out like he was going to be an interesting character, but like pretty much all of the characters I've encountered so far in the OWC, he did not really take off. I was disappointed because it really seemed like Bill was going to stand out.

I was quite fond of Bill myself. Sorry to hear it didn't play out for you.

Quoted from KevinL he ending is a nice attempt, but without more set up, it's too convenient and coincidental. Maybe that could be fixed if we thought the witch had recruited him with an ad directed at him. I do like the witch as hitman concept, original take on things.

Well, I was trying to be subtle and imply stuff at the start. But you might have a point.

Quoted from Ryan1 That would have been a better twist, IMO, if Bill realizes at the very end that he was the witch's target all along.

That was along the lines of what was intended. I guess it wasn't clear enough that he was being played.

More later.

RV, YOU OLD SHAGGER!

THIS WAS MY FAVE! GOOD WORK!

Quoted from Stevie RV, YOU OLD SHAGGER! THIS WAS MY FAVE! GOOD WORK!

What do you mean 'old'?

Ah, the man made of beetles. Glad you liked it. Sadly, yours was a rather unique verdict. It got less points than the UK at Eurovision.

Good to hear from you.

R

Read this last night and got a few good laughs.

My favorite line;

MRS. HALLIMAN
Apolgies about my receptionist. The
manners of a goat, that one.

I imagined Helen Mirren playing the part of Mrs Halliman.  

Was hoping for a bigger payoff in the end, but oh well,  Funny nonetheless.