A Bill To Pay by ? - Horror - Bill has been searching for the answer to an urgent problem. He ends up at the Gardner Building. Will he find a way out in there? (PG) - pdf, format

A bill to Pay

Spoilers

Is the Gardener building something important to be named? I looked it up on Wikipedia - if it's the same on sits a listed building, but nothing of note. Why use it in the logline?

Going in 'He hesitates' is probably enough - the rest just confuses
If a character is interrupted I would generally use --  if their dialogue tails off I would use ...  Just saying
Ooh, I do like the sex in the back seat with hooker where your children sit - nice

Finished

A man is corrupted by his boss, we understand, and seeks a witch to bump him off, only to have change of heart when the boss is tortured, medically, in the process. Alas she misunderstands him and cancels the whole thing, with the added, out of the blue twist, that a boy he left to die was the brother of the receptionist, who is also meant to be related to the witch !! So the witch is related to the dead Timmy?

Bit too much going on. Also I didn't really get the compassion and the misunderstanding also didn't work for me.

On reflection the VO at the beginning don't tie into anything else.

But I do like the premise of a flawed man asking for a killing only to have it backfire, but for me the script needs a bit of work.

My grade c- (revised - pondered on this one)

It's not bad.  It's a quick read.

I don't agree with the ending where Bill wants the torture to stop, because his words earlier in the script "I need him gone...you know, to go".  This insinuation of Bill wanting Seb to be harmed or even killed is what I expected to happen and did happen.  Also, since this isn't new to him with Timmy, I'm puzzled why Bill would have a change of heart and want Seb to get better.  He seems like a character that wouldn't care.

Over all, not a bad effort, just needs a little editing to iron out the wrinkles.

All the best,


Javier

Super love the title of this.

Loved 'fires up angry birds'

Some really good writing on display here. I liked the story. I was confused by the end though with the dialogue

MRS. HALLIMAN
Aww, just like little red haired
Timmy did in the woods all those
years ago. My receptionist wasn’t
always an only child. She would
like a word with you about that. On
your way out.

Not sure about this. Or even what happened at the end...other than that ...really good job.

The first half of this worked well - it was intriguing that it moved slowly, with some attention to detail, and I felt that is was really building up to be something quite clever.

Unfortunately, like the other posters have said, the latter half of it really falls a bit flat for me. I was kinda surprised, because by the look of the early writing it seemed like the writer really knew what they were doing.

Trying to fit so much in (all those relations) did harm it somewhat, as the set-up established quite a simple tone that was ready to focus on something more meaningful. Bill character started to develop in an interesting way, and I liked that Halliman exposed his shortfalls.

Maybe this was longer piece that got hacked short. Red-haired Timmy failed for me - I think that could only work if the other (filled his pants) bit were left out, so that some focus was drawn to it - and it was specified that he was red-haired where he was introduced.

So it's a good piece, I just think it crashes toward the end.

Solid writing and a well handled sense of mystery really pulled me into this.  I like the way you twisted the readers expectations of Bill -- starting out somewhat geeky and nervous only to reveal a darker, more desperate side to his character.

If I’m honest the ending fell flat for me, which is a shame given the strong build-up.  I think you needed turn the screws harder on Bill, as he seemed to get off too lightly for his indecision.  A great idea, just needs more sting in the tail.

Who was the Old Man in the cravat?  What was his role here?

Well, I was about to comment on the writing style but it doesn't bother me. Which is great since I didn't write any notes.

You know, this was going really well until that underwhelming ending. From set piece to set piece, we moved and I could see it leading to something big but it just falls face down at the end. The twist with the receptionist was laughable sorry to say and I wouldn't classify this as horror but this really did feel like a modern story of witchcraft. A good effort that needs a different ending to really shine. Thanks for actually looking over your work for mistakes.

Grade: C+/B-

Hey writer,

I liked this story, did not like the ending. For some reason, it seemed like an awful lot of reading! That was part of the problem for me. It just took too long to get where it was going, and the payoff wasnt that big. It seems
to me like you could've chopped off two pages and got this story going a bit faster. Oh, and the voice overs didn't work for me either. Again, drop em and you got the same story here.

Good work for a weeks worth.

Steve

No probs with the writing. At times the dialogue stands out as above average, especially for one week's work.

Bill started out like he was going to be an interesting character, but like pretty much all of the characters I've encountered so far in the OWC, he did not really take off. I was disappointed because it really seemed like Bill was going to stand out.

The ending is a nice attempt, but without more set up, it's too convenient and coincidental. Maybe that could be fixed if we thought the witch had recruited him with an ad directed at him.

I do like the witch as hitman concept, original take on things.

The writing works. The story does not stand out from the OWC pack, but maybe none of them do.

I liked the whole witch for hire - dirty deeds done dirt cheap angle.  Well, maybe not so cheap.  Still putting her in a corporate setting as opposed to an old house was a clever spin.  I thought this was going well until the end.  I was unsure as to the identity of the Old Man with the cravat, but I suspect he was some accomplice of the witch?

The ending just didn't work.  I would have preferred if Bill completely chickened out and demanded the witch spare Sebastian, instead of Bill just wanting him to die quickly.  Then I would have liked the witch to turn her wrath on Bill.  The final line about the receptionist being the sister of the kid who died was an odd twist.  Earlier in the story, the witch mentions that the receptionist is family, so wouldn't the witch go after Bill?  That would have been a better twist, IMO, if Bill realizes at the very end that he was the witch's target all along.

I really like this one! Halfway through I was thinking it's my fave so far (wel. Apart from my own, lol). Nice setup, interesting chars, though the first 2 pages could be trimmed as they go a bit .

But it sorta took a slightly off  the turn later. Don't get me wrong but the second half and ending didn't seem as well written as earlier. Perhaps the author was rushed?

I reckon the writer is from the UK. It doesn't specify where it's set but it has that eccentric type if English about it.

The Sebastian char threw me at first. I didn't realise he was the boss, just a work mate who had maybe gone halves in the cash to get rid of the boss?  I thought the witch was just gonna make the boss vanish into thin air.

But yeah neat little tale and it's my pick so far

Not sure what else to add here. I really liked the script a lot. Witch for hire concept is inventive a bit. Dialog was fine. If I had to nitpick, FADE IN should flush left not right.

One of the better 50 entries. One of my favorites.
I didn't mind the ending, I thought it was fine.

This is the best written script I've come across thus far from a technical standpoint. The general writing, dialogue, exposition, and mystery are solid (although I could've done without the V.O.). The tone is flat and quiet and the pacing is VERY slow - I was shocked to see I'd only made it three pages the first time I checked the page number - but it worked for me at the start. The quiet gave off an eerie, potentially sinister feel in how calm and safe everything seemed.

The characters were all flat and matter of fact. I didn't connect much emotionally with any of them although Bill's backstory was interesting and somewhat sympathetic. I suppose I didn't mind because I was interested in seeing how everything panned out, especially once I caught onto the witch-for-hire concept.

Slowly but surely, things picked up. I liked how Sebastian wasn't a stereotypically unlikeable boss. His behavior didn't come off as harsh nor boorish, either of which would've been a more conventional way to go. Once he started getting sick, it felt extremely realistic and even slightly disturbing.

Then the ending came and I was out. First off, I thought it was extremely naive and weak of Bill to come back. He knew what he was getting into. I mean, to be fair, it didn't seem like he'd do anything else. I still didn't care for it.

The final line wasn't the worst and I was intrigued by Bill's past. But since it serves as the final payoff, I think it's a total letdown. I suppose somehow it fits the rest of the story. But it's a still letdown.

While I enjoyed the atmosphere for a good while, in the end, it was all false. No such sinister undercurrent was exposed. All that's left is flatness and quiet that doesn't really amount to much.

A well written cohesive effort, no doubt. But extremely disappointing. Totally blew my buzz.

No comments read before.
Non-native spaker – take it or leave it.


A bill to pay

Hello.
First script.
Very well done.
You build potential for a shooting. I don't think it's a feature stuff, but maybe something like 20 minutes (surely overwritten and added).

Title and concept fit perfectly together. The title got a multiple meaning at least of the ending. Subtle choice. I like. Actually even perfect.

You also hit the theme. We are living in a world where power, greed etc. is a part of. In the modern time this goes into the bureaus/offices. There you place the witch theme.

Now some conspicuities-

-The exposition is TAXI, ENTRANCE, ELEVATOR, RECEPTION.  500(0)  times in film industry. I get that you need to set up the office theme/world.
Make it a different original elevator ride-or let him take the stairs. I hope you get the direction of my advice.

- I misunderstood why Bill shows no reaction to the cravat man when he met him first time in the reception. He must have to be interested in where he is and don't play Angry Bird.

You often play safe in the pictures- like above here.

The times you risk something (literally said)- Bill dashes into the office. He keeps the door closed.
That's when you build strength.
Even if it was not logical to keep the door close when the boss-witch is sitting on the wrong site, right? Doesn't matter- honored the approach (It is only ONE WEEK, maybe less than that. So, easy to get even little logical pieces false).

Other small impressions which I think where product of less time-How is Sebastian been made crazy? Who gave bill the address?
First show the candle. After that, the eye can see the person/witch. No view to the closed window first etc.

Like I said above. Could be a cool halloween shortfilm. Eventually I see some family stuff here, what would be amazing. The lesson would be, if you don't look after your friends, it will come back to you.

For ONE WEEK-chapeau.

Ah, a renegade as far as the FADE IN: goes. Who cares, I say, if the 'story' is there and the writing is good, right? Right.  

Another deft hand with the writing on display here too - technically clean and succinct and evokes a clear picture and mood from the get go.

And another script with wit too. Having said that I like the way the mood turned and a much darker tone emerged. Love the back seat of the car dialogue and the 'reveal' about the central guy's true (nasty) character - this really added another layer to the story.

Sorry if I'm repeating a couple of things too, but I did also wonder at the Gardner Building reference in the Scene Header.

Wiki informs me that Gerald Gardner is internationally recognised as the 'Father of Wicca' among occult communities - but am I grasping at straws here? If this was your intention then surely naming your main 'witchy woman' character Mrs Gardner would have had more resonance.

Also, is 'cooking the books' a good enough motive to want someone 'gone'? Seems a little flimsy and the punishment a little severe imh. I would have liked if you'd layered that motivation more - perhaps if the intended 'victim' is also having an affair with his wife - thereby raising the stakes to not only his career but also his personal life.

As far as the voice over goes - I'm a huge fan and so generally will defend its use. Here though, it seems a little tacked on especially as you TOP your script with it (not counting one line in the middle in which I think he should have muttered the line out loud) but you don't TAIL it. Makes me think it might have been a part of a first draft and got left in.

All that aside this was a really efficient and highly entertaining read and I'm with Stevie in that I suspect this is an English/Irish writer just based on the 'erm' word in dialogue and a certain style of writing which seems familiar??

Great job.

P.S. I also love that PrussianMosbey (review above mine) tipped his hat to you with the 'chapeau'.

I read the whole thing last night and something happened and I didn't post comments.

I remembered this morning, but completely forgot what the script was about, which isn't a good thing.  And that's where I'll start - this is, sorry to say, completely forgettable.  Nothing here to remember or really care about, as very little happens, story-wise, and just about nothing happens action-wise.

Writing is OK, but nothing to write home about.  It has a very canned, generic feel and look to it.  Sentences are all very short and dully written.  Like a few others, the writer also likes to write in fragments, and not connect them with a comma, and omit subjects.  I am against all this, but others don't even seem to notice it.  The writing itself, like the read, is rather forgettable.

But, all that being said, this isn't a poor effort by any means and compared to the OWC pack, you're definitely in the top 50%.  This just didn't resonate with me in any way, but overall, you did a commendable job here.

Good work.

Initially, it felt like we are in good hands.  Although the writing is a bit heavy-handed before we get to the inciting incident, I was on-board. We have a character with a motive and a course of action, with some corporate witchcraft thrown in.

The story then hits some road cones, careens off course and smashes into an outhouse. I’m like ‘wait a minute, what the blank did I miss?’ The ending of your script falls off the seat and into the dump.
Actually it wasn’t that bad. It’s more a case of disappointing choices. I didn’t care for the ending, obviously. It just didn’t seem to fit.

Bill is a bit of a puzzle, which is a good thing.  As long as his character is consistent.  He's also no hero. We can't root for him.
He’s “cooking the books,” but is he compensated for it? Thus he can't go to the authorities.
Or is he being coerced and used? Is he taking company money to pay for Sebastian's hit? I guess his plan is to off Sebastian, continue embezzling, and then keep all the $$. If he's capable of murder, he's capable of stealing.
Mrs. Halliman knows his motives.

During the negotiation with Halliman, I would like to have seen more revelation of Bill's character. Because $$ is involved, maybe there are different plans of execution offered. Each with a different price, as Halliman can explain. This would clue us in on how Bill thinks. He has money, and is willing to pay. But what are his limits? How ruthless is he?  

When Bill goes back to the office, his conversation with Sebastian initially threw me. I thought they were co-conspirators.  Turns out Seb is his boss, the target of Bill’s evil plot.

Sebastian, as presented, is not a stereotypical corporate criminal.  I liked that. We don’t see him in that light. But Bill is obviously shady. He’s a weak man in my opinion, but definitely runs in the gutter. So, why not make him the victim of his own misdeeds? If he can’t bear Sebastian’s suffering, maybe he has to finish the job.  Force him out of his comfort zone. Which will then add murder to his resume.

It seems as if Sebastian was poisoned. Not that a witch can't be the cause. But we don't see Halliman do anything that suggests she's a witch. She seems to be more of a gypsy psychic.

If this is a setup to get Bill, then go back and set it up properly. Halliman should be in control from the get-go. We don't know how Bill came to learn of her services. Maybe he mentions that she was a referral.  Or that he found her on Craigslist, ha ha.  

This is a good effort that needs rethinking. Nice job for one week.

Ok, for starters, just a quick little nit pick about something that bothered me - page 6: The Receptionist types, hard. - OK, we get it - she thrashes the keyboard!

I liked the little twist at the end with Timmy and how he played into this. I didn't think anything was wrong with it and I got it.

But given the challenge was horror - IMO this did not meet the challenge. As much as I liked the story and it was a clean read, there was nothing really scary in this for me. A good job on a well rounded short though.

Renee

Some of the writing is pretty good and the concept might be good if executed differently, but overall this is a bit of a mess. Way too many beats, hollow characters, a backstory that feels included for emotional impact but has none, and an ending that comes out of the blue when it should have been foreshadowed better. Also no horror, just witches.

I'm not a fan of this one. Good job completing it though.

I think this is a great idea.  It's one of the most character revealing scripts of the bunch.  Good mystery too.  I would say that this needs more to fire on all cylinders.

The writing is decent, overwritten in some areas that didn't warrant it.  I thought Bill's past was great, but I was a little worried that it was not going to be revisited.  I was wrong, and that's a payoff as far as I'm concerned.

I think it could be possible to explore some of the consequences of Bill's transaction.  Basically I'm saying the story can go beyond a short.  I did think the ending was good here, but the story lacked in the horror department.

Good job.

Johnny

Loved the clarity of dialog and description -- although the latter coulfd have been tightened a bit. Would have liked a stronger ending. When you refer to a torch instead of a flashlight I assume you're British, not American, which explains the clarity and succinctness. Nice job.  

This one didn't jump out at me as a great script as it did with some others. It read quickly enough, but I didn't care for so many short, choppy sentences.

Though the writing seemed okay technically, I didn't really FEEL anything for Bill. He's the protagonist, so shouldn't I be rooting for him? I think I needed a valid reason WHY he left Timmy in the woods. Then maybe I could understand him better. By just thinking he left a kid in the woods to die didn't make him very likable. Protagonists need at least SOME likability factor.

I didn't have a problem with the author tying Timmy in with the receptionist, This was a good effort, but I think it needs more work to be memorable.

Weighted Matrix: https://docs.google.com/spread.....TTUE&usp=sharing

Producer's Notes: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NNGaVlrrpkjIfp-BRGjpTE03W1e5lZuRceJ3wQECYaI/edit?usp=sharing

15. A Bill To Pay by ? - Horror - Bill has been searching for the answer to an urgent problem. He ends up at the Gardner Building. Will he find a way out in there?
Brief - Man wants his boss gone, but fails to specify "how" - with consequences.

Location(s)  - Office building interior & exterior, office 2X, parking lot, boardroom, hospital
Cast - 6, 4 if we get rid of that superfluous old man and Helena
Protagonist(s)  -  
BILL, 30s, skinny, casual clothes
OLD MAN with a cravat around his neck
SEBASTIAN, 40s, big guy, smartly dressed
HELENA, 30s, long hair pulled back and earrings
Antagonist(s)  -
RECEPTIONIST, 40s, frizzy red hair and bright red lipstick
MRS. HALLIMAN, ??, craggy face, white hair bun
Genre & Marketability - Supernatural Horror, light. Definitely a "Twilight Zone"-esque story. Portrays modern witches in an unfavorable light.
Comments  -  "RECEPTIONIST - No. Not her name. We done that already. Your name.
" LMAO! I liked that. In fact, I like much of the dialog. Alright, by pg 7 you're up to six cast members. Groan @ one more location: hospital. Could you think of a more inaccessible location? The number of locations are killing this, too. Ending's a bit curt, but it's overall fairly good. Kinda weak on the horror, though. Very clean formatting - excellent!
Script format - Excellent.
Final word - Wobbly end, great dialog. Can't use.

$1,000 - $3,000     Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/ 9.8               Screenplay Pages
= $102 - 306          Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Modern Witches and/or Warlocks - Yes!
Horror - Meh... pretty weak on the horror.

I thought I'd answer a few of the questions posed now it's all over.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer Is the Gardener building something important to be named? I looked it up on Wikipedia - if it's the same on sits a listed building, but nothing of note. Why use it in the logline?

I mentioned it in the logline as I'm never happy writing them and this time was no exception. It seemed like a reasonable idea at the time. For those who know their witches and the like, Gardner is a name associated with them.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer Going in 'He hesitates' is probably enough - the rest just confuses

I was trying to build a bit of tension. A man in two minds. Ah well.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer Bit too much going on. Also I didn't really get the compassion and the misunderstanding also didn't work for me. On reflection the VO at the beginning don't tie into anything else.

Oh dear. I thought the VO might build a bit of intrigue and anticipation. But then again I always think I'm gonna win everytime I buy a lottery ticket.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer But I do like the premise of a flawed man asking for a killing only to have it backfire, but for me the script needs a bit of work.

Oh. I did put quite a bit in. Never mind. I think it appealed to some but they are few and far between.

Quoted from jayrex Also, since this isn't new to him with Timmy, I'm puzzled why Bill would have a change of heart and want Seb to get better

Timmy happened a long time ago when they were kids. Bill isn't heartless. He was a guy in an awkward spot trying to get out of it. He didn't expect things to go the way they did.

Quoted from pale yellow Not sure about this. Or even what happened at the end...other than that ...really good job.

Glad you appreciated the title and other things. Sadly the end didn't play out for quite a few. I'd hoped the 'hoisted by own petard' theme would go down better. See my earlier comments regarding lottery tickets.

Quoted from Forgive Unfortunately, like the other posters have said, the latter half of it really falls a bit flat for me. I was kinda surprised, because by the look of the early writing it seemed like the writer really knew what they were doing.

I still think I know what I'm doing. But then again, I would do, wouldn't I?

Quoted from Forgive Maybe this was longer piece that got hacked short. Red-haired Timmy failed for me

No, it wasn't. If I was inclined I could have made it longer. Now, there's a good joke there somewhere.

Timmy failed... That poor lad never had a lot of luck. I toyed with the idea of using a flashback, but it would have been waving a flag a bit too much.

Quoted from stevemiles Solid writing and a well handled sense of mystery really pulled me into this.  I like the way you twisted the readers expectations of Bill -- starting out somewhat geeky and nervous only to reveal a darker, more desperate side to his character.

Thanks SM. I thought your script was a fine bit of work. One of the few to evoke an actual sinister atmosphere. Glad you saw what I was attempting to do.

Quoted Text If I’m honest the ending fell flat for me, which is a shame given the strong build-up.  I think you needed turn the screws harder on Bill, as he seemed to get off too lightly for his indecision.  A great idea, just needs more sting in the tail. Who was the Old Man in the cravat?  What was his role here?

Alas. Do you have to be honest? Ahem, just joking. Indeed it is a shame. You're probably right. I was going for more of a conscience pricking and moral aspect that didn't sit well with quite a few.

The Old Man was was an associate of Halliman. I left it open to interpretation as I'm that way inclined.

More later...

Firstly, I should thank those who read and commented on the script. It wasn't a favourite and judging from many comments, the end was not well received by quite a few. Still, I've had worse.

A few more comments. I'll try not to repeat myself or doth protest too much.

Quoted from nawazm11 I wouldn't classify this as horror but this really did feel like a modern story of witchcraft

Thanks for that. I kinda prefer those sinister type horror movies than the all out bloodbaths.
Sorry to hear you found the end laughable, Kinda pops any bubble that was forming. Oh well.

Quoted from StevenClark It just took too long to get where it was going, and the payoff wasnt that big

That's fair enough. Seems quite a few felt that way. I liked the idea of the guy being played from the off.

Quoted from StevenClark Oh, and the voice overs didn't work for me either. Again, drop em and you got the same story here.

Maybe. I had more VO in it which I did drop. But I found losing it all together made the start less than it already was.

Quoted from KevinL Bill started out like he was going to be an interesting character, but like pretty much all of the characters I've encountered so far in the OWC, he did not really take off. I was disappointed because it really seemed like Bill was going to stand out.

I was quite fond of Bill myself. Sorry to hear it didn't play out for you.

Quoted from KevinL he ending is a nice attempt, but without more set up, it's too convenient and coincidental. Maybe that could be fixed if we thought the witch had recruited him with an ad directed at him. I do like the witch as hitman concept, original take on things.

Well, I was trying to be subtle and imply stuff at the start. But you might have a point.

Quoted from Ryan1 That would have been a better twist, IMO, if Bill realizes at the very end that he was the witch's target all along.

That was along the lines of what was intended. I guess it wasn't clear enough that he was being played.

More later.

RV, YOU OLD SHAGGER!

THIS WAS MY FAVE! GOOD WORK!

Quoted from Stevie RV, YOU OLD SHAGGER! THIS WAS MY FAVE! GOOD WORK!

What do you mean 'old'?

Ah, the man made of beetles. Glad you liked it. Sadly, yours was a rather unique verdict. It got less points than the UK at Eurovision.

Good to hear from you.

R

Read this last night and got a few good laughs.

My favorite line;

MRS. HALLIMAN
Apolgies about my receptionist. The
manners of a goat, that one.

I imagined Helen Mirren playing the part of Mrs Halliman.  

Was hoping for a bigger payoff in the end, but oh well,  Funny nonetheless.