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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2013 One Week Challenge  ›  Hear Before You're There - OWC rewrite
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  Author    Hear Before You're There - OWC rewrite  (currently 4298 views)
Pale Yellow
Posted: October 26th, 2013, 4:24pm Report to Moderator
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The first scene didn't really do anything at all...except intro the character.

Creepy Little Surgery -- hmmm I'm not a slug judger BUT this one was very 'off' as to the scene that followed it. You may want to rethink it. And once in the scene...Your dialogue between Derek and the Doc needs a lot of work IMO.

I'm four pages in and this story has gone no where. In 10 pages by page 4 something needs to be happening IMO. I'm going to have to bail by page 5...it's just dragging too much for me. Sorry. Good job completing an OWC.
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RayW
Posted: October 29th, 2013, 4:18pm Report to Moderator
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Weighted Matrix: https://docs.google.com/spread.....TTUE&usp=sharing

Producer's Notes: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NNGaVlrrpkjIfp-BRGjpTE03W1e5lZuRceJ3wQECYaI/edit?usp=sharing

17. The Time I Don't Exist by Ten - Horror - In a volcano region, a backpacker contacts the isolated natives.
Brief - Young traveler transverses the globe to an odd fate. Spirit en tow.

Location(s)  - Countryside, jungle, tropical field, jungle hut, cave
Cast - 5/3
Protagonist(s)  -  
DEREK, 20s?, long haired backpacker
Antagonist(s)  -
ASIAN DOCTOR
OLD MAN
FABRICE, 44
WOMAN (tropical)
Genre & Marketability - Supernatural Horror, light. Although certainly supernatural I don't really know if this is horror. This COULD be done on a budget, but boy it had better be deliberately creatively engaging. Plus the story has gotta be reworked a fair bit, but it has definite "Pursue" interest.
Comments  -  Okay, on pg 1 we got an Asian countryside (that we "fly across" as some point) and a jungle. Umm... greenscreen, fo sho. This could make for some surreal sh!t if heavily composited using green screen tech. Check out the 'Aiden 5' series: http://www.youtube.com/user/Aidan5Series/videos
I'm thinking what could be interesting would be to have the same actor in makeup play the ASIAN DOCTOR, OLD MAN, and FABRICE. From around the world Derek and these modern witch(doctor)s are bound together in fate.
Script format - fair.
Final word - Pursue further development. Acknowledge it's light on "Modern Witchcraft."

$200 - $1,000      Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/ 7.9               Screenplay Pages
= $25 - 126          Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Modern Witches and/or Warlocks - Yes
Horror - Back-ended, but could be worked in on rewrite




Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
RayW  -  October 29th, 2013, 5:06pm
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PrussianMosby
Posted: November 2nd, 2013, 11:53pm Report to Moderator
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Hello people,
first of all, thank you for reading and commenting on my script. It helped.

The rewrite is almost ready. I will talk to Don and upload if possible. Hope you watch out...


Here is an extensive
SUMMARRY OF MY OWC WORK - "THE TIME I DON'T EXIST"


Prologue:
As non-native speaker, I can understand that many people broke up the reading process.

The writing simply cannot convince to see it as a conventional play. So, it was a lot/bit bold to take part here. I try now to do things better in the rewrite.

It was definitely my hope that people follow the story with a reflection saying: That foreign guy is not here to sell in English. He wants to exchange narrative aspects.

The working process:
First I thought about the connection between the genre and the theme.  My first question referring to the OWC was: Where are witches today? Modern witches? The pure rational approach.

The answer was: There are no witches. But! From my knowledge there are still occult ways of living today. I know that voodoo is still alive. There are also some natives in the deep South-American jungle using some plants-liquid with a drug-impact. But not a common drug-effect, it's heavier, stronger than absinth or anything else. After that, these natives do different spiritual rituals.

The conclusion of that was for me: Today's real occultism is settled in the isolation, and not in what we call our common society.

I followed that way.  A short which I saw a long time ago came to my eyes.
People living in volcanic zones are often isolated nearly by centuries because of the potential danger.

I decided to step on that way and invented the lonesome backpacker, Derek, whom you should follow on his way into the Horror.

I wanted him travel along in a slow pace to establish a fake-security for him;
accelerate then more and more; a heavy twist into Horror, long climax and ending. Even if you think I failed here, that was the plan

Facts:
The people of you who saw the organ dealer, Patrice, as explaining character were right. I don't write shorts usually, and thought in less than 10 min I can do such a decision- No, I can't. Biggest fail was to write from the start and think, in that little world, I'm clever enough to hide my construction and add the last logical connections during the flow of the story.

When you compare to my first thoughts above (There are no witches; and; Today's real occultism is settled in the isolation), I had the problem that, without Fabrice, I might be misunderstood by readers in that way generally. That the way, in which I see the whole theme, might not get finally through.

So, I gave Fabrice the last picture and changed him a bit, to let HIM constitute the MODERN WITCHCRAFT. Shown in: Manipulation of people; here, the Natives. With his black tattoos Fabrice makes the Natives believe he ascended out of the volcano. His witchcraft is his greed, his rhetoric, and his seduction.

So, for sure the Natives were just occult isolated cannibals.
No character has supernatural craft in my script. None.
Only the punch has a mystic recipe, which I didn't explain in the script.

Short Rewiew:
As many get right, I like to write a bit surreal stuff. I try always to decide for rudiments of philosophy and experiences in similar cases.
That are my kind of stories actually, and that's what I wanted to run into examination. It doesn't fail completely, if I analyze the comments right. It would have been a disaster of result for me if my intentions, the generally style of my scripts, wouldn't get recognition referring to these philosophical, surreal things. Even if most comments partly ripped the script. But that's the game...

The ending:
I was sure about from the start, Derek will die in the native volcano-village.  At the middle, there was the decision to set it up in a cave. I closed my laptop and don't know exactly when the following came to me:

Derek is a naive, lonesome and selfish backpacker. He got no constant relationships to people. So there was one question: Because of the punch Derek has got no extreme pains -
How will a guy like him treat the situation of seeing his own dead from the first row and watching the cannibals eat his body step by step?

-I was clear about he would just think about himself.

There was coming another question: His instinct of self-preservation had to stop in a point. There's no way he could survive, without feet, cannibals, and an organ dealer around, so -
Where is somebody mentally who loses the instinct of self-preservation, what is something like the last gateway of physical human being? (And I mean in a complete other way than having disease or being old and waiting for day X.)

-I let him take the step behind that last instinct.

I explained it through the dialogue how he feels at that point. It's another dimension, maybe a whole life which Derek found there. He relinquishes his life on earth, because even the instinct of self-preservation has gone. Maybe it feels endless for him. Not for us. We see him just dying. We see him dying, but he's already at another place of being.

His existence has changed. I wanted him to speak direct to us and explain: That there's a hidden point he's at, something neutral between life and death. Not even myself was clear about, from the writer's view, what I found and try to describe there.

Hope you saw my adventure-philosophy end as an approach I loved to share without even knowing the whole complexity myself.


THE EXPERIENCE TO SHARE MY VIEWS WITH SUCH A MASS OF AMBITIOUS WRITERS WAS AWESOME. COMPARING ALL THE DIFFERENT WORKS, STYLES, AND THOUGHTS OF OTHERS, SEEING ALL THE COMMONALITIES. I WILL NEVER FORGET THAT I READ 47 SHORTS IN 7 DAYS. I WRITE 6 YEARS, BUT NEVERTHELESS IT WAS A KICK WHICH HAS, AND WILL MAKE ME BETTER. THIS EXPERIENCE WAS SO UNIQUE AND INTENSIVE.



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Last Fountain
Posted: November 5th, 2013, 9:06pm Report to Moderator
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Upon further reflection and having digested the massive number of shorts, I still remember this one fondly.

When you compare it to some of the others, this one has so much originality going for it. The setting specifically. The culture. And the philosophical underpinnings. This element is what kept me thinking after days had passed. How unique to be aware of death and the transference to the next realm. The idea is haunting. Melancholic.

Originally I felt this was light on horror, but really it's a different method. Philosophical horror. Not psychological horror.

I think this idea can be pushed even further. Can you exit the Netherworld. Cross back into life? Who can he meet there? I can imagine a horror villain like Freddy Krueger coming into play. Or South American Shamans guiding him back? There are intriguing possibilities to continue expanding this unique universe of philosophical horror. Good work. I'm interested to see what you deliver next.

As for all the harsh criticism on English as a Second Language - forget that. I understood the script. And I think it's great that you challenged yourself to write in English and to a largely English population (?) This must have been hard. Respect. Maybe this different perspective lead to this unusual impressive take n witches.


SLIP/THROUGH - scifi noir (feature)
HOLY 3D CHRISTMAS! - fantasy (shorf)

BORED? Check out my movie news for movie nerds BLOG.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: November 9th, 2013, 10:45pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you Don,

Hey, the script is a rewrite of my OWC Oct13 short "The time I don't exist"

There's an important thing to mention before you read:

Imagine characters in the same age as same actors in makeup. It's a part of the story.
(That special idea refers to a helpful suggestion of RayW)

Thank you again for the reviews and helpful comments during the OWC.

Every comment is welcome.



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KevinLenihan
Posted: November 10th, 2013, 9:07am Report to Moderator
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Alexander, you've given excellent notes on many scripts here, glad to return the favor. You've mentioned that English is your second language, so as I take notes I will try to watch for things to help.
p1
Derek: should be "prove it under water"

- not sure what LITTLE SURGERY means. Just a small OR?
- no exclamation on No!...unless he really is afraid.
p2
-"Hello my friend, you God-given thing.
You're none of these dangerous
creatures." This doesn't sound American. The sentiment behind it is good,just work on the actual wording. It's also an opportunity for the character to question how this world can have both wonderful creatures of God, and monsters. The idea behind it is good because it shows Derek is not a bloodless killer.

p5 Not sure an aristocrat would describe himself as "a smart noble guy". Maybe better to say "gentleman of my station". If that's too British sounding, you can consider other ways: "man of my pedigree" "gentleman of my breeding".

Ok, the idea is that Derek does not believe in supernatural evil, such as witches...and yet he works for a preacher, traveling the world exterminating people accused of being evil. In the end, he will find out that evil does in fact exist, as he is captured and killed by a true witch.

Some things that could help make this more effective.

1) make it clear to us, and clear early, that Derek doesn't believe in witches, even though he kills them. This is at the heart of the story, and it should be clear in the first kill. Not sure it is, except in hindsight,which isn't strong enough.

2) we never really see that Derek is really good at what he does, but we certainly are given that impression. He's a paid assassin, a veteran, one who fears nothing and has succeeded in many assignments.

And yet he is defeated by Suitman whacking him from behind with a branch.

I know it's hard in a short, and hard anyway, but a writer has to push himself to come up with a convincing way for our hero to be defeated. In a short, maybe you might have to have him fall in a trap, which is still not great, but is better than a guy with a branch.

Ok, Alexander, good images, good setting, good vibe! Keep working on the writing, that's what we're all here for...to keep improving.

Kevin
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