I was a bit concerned with 'Yet' and some of the comma usage. Makes a person pause. I'm...oh man...this is a tough call. I think there's too much talk here, and despite being good, it...goes....slow....I'm ...man...I hate to say it, but I didn't get past p5. Maybe I'll come back later.

Perhaps it was the cadence. Maybe it's just me. But I felt this was dragging. But I'll get back to it. Maybe...

One of my favorites, for sure. I dig a slow burn. I've read a number of scripts thus far where I really enjoyed the buildup but the payoff was weak. Initially, I was afraid that might be the case here because indeed it's a lot of talk and not a lot of horror leading up to the end but I had a feeling you were going to see this one through given the repetition of Astrid's warnings and Lawrence's refusal to heed them. Indeed, you did. The images of Helen's ghost and the tumbling fire were simple ones but that sort of made them more disturbing. I appreciate horror that sees the value in what's quiet and strange and not blatantly sinister.

Very few gripes with this one but I do have some. First off, I would omit the opening V.O. in its entirety. Leave everything else. I think the opening image has some great mystery and poetry as is, which is sort of spoiled by Lawrence spelling out his feelings and really explaining things that are revealed later anyway with just as sufficient clarity. So scrap it.

I'd also scrap the reference to the five stages of grief on page 7. That model is actually sort of controversial and not even all that cut and dry. But that's beside the point. I really enjoyed Astrid's dialogue about emotions and their necessity, even when extremely painful, and really the overall theme of emotional baggage. I thought this one line sort of trivialized all that.

I'd also lose the crash. I don't mean the scene leading up to it; I mean, the actual image of the car barrel rolling, crashing, and burning. Cut to the fire before it happens. It'd make for a great transition if filmed. But really, I think you should cut it for the sake of upping your chances of having this produced. The car crash just kills it.

Some of the dialogue is a little on the nose. The context requires Lawrence to explain himself in a very direct way, which I accept, but I'd scale back some. A lot of exposition in this one that could be overwhelming for some readers. Some of it can be inferred, I think.

Other than that, solid effort. Really enjoyed it.

I was following this quite easily until:

LAWRENCE (V.O.)
Helen died in a car crash, the
brakes failed. I survived. -- Hated this voiceover.

I see where it fits into the next scene where he is telling Astrid, but at first it was a jarring, in a sense.

Page 5: Astrid tells Lawrence that she will give him the words and we move on to the fire again where Lawrence chants - IMO, this would have worked better with Lawrence saying the words he is chanting instead of Astrids V.O.

Other than that, this was a clean and easy read. I quite enjoyed it, though I could see where it was headed at about halfway through. I also liked how the opening scene tied in with the end and how then Astrids words repeated made more sense.

Well done, good job.

Renee

Some good visuals with Lawrence being pulled into the ground. Not convinced Tommy should be gay - then Lawrence is not just acting out of jealousy, but as a pure madman. Jealousy is a more convincing motive IMO. A few typos, but overall, well-written.

No comments read before.
Non-native speaker – take it or leave it.


The grieving spell

Hello!

When a writer needs 100% of the given space, then I get a skeptical view from the start, or, otherwise, if I read through, and recognize it when it comes down to it, that fact will 95% reflect the work.

A strong story is to the point. There is no information missing because of space. If that's the case, you didn't choose the right story or the right decisions in any way referring to screenwriting; it's about: HOW? How do I get it in package, completely? How do it without things missing, that I wanted to tell so much? How to tell the story with using everything I like to tell inside?

It was interesting. I don't judge about the backflashs and OS, VO etc. It had these 3 strings, I could identify them. So the structure was OK.

My subjective view: Because of the thing I mentioned above your end falls down like a little stone in the ocean. It makes no waves. The end is the most important part. Half-solide for me...

No other signs of life. - repetitive. You just told us it was deserted.

woman’s face laughing - I don't know. This sounds awkward. "laughing face" maybe?

parks up - are you saying he perks up? Or is he parking the car?

A simple house, not much money. This is an odd description for a house.

Lawrence paces around, agitated-- Agitated, Lawrence paces (no need to say around because we know what pacing means)

Pg. 3 - you ended the flashback but then we're on the beach. I'm confused.  
Pg. 4 - you did it again. Guess you didn't want to have flashbacks, back to back but if you don't want people to stop reading then you should label it correctly. Both times I stopped and it hurt the flow of your story. -- Now I get it. The beach is actually a Flash Forward.  At first I wasn't sure if he was going back to that beach again.

Okay. Storywise, it was interesting. For something that detailed in only 10 pages I guess it could only be told in VO and flashbacks. I just think squashing all of that into 10 pages really took away from the emotional impact I'm sure you were hoping people would have.  I didn't really care for Lawrence although I'm sure if you had more pages to work with and let this breath a bit, I might have. It just felt like his emotions were forced on me and I didn't have time to care. This has potential with maybe 5 to 10 more pages so people can really connect to Lawrence.

Good job completing something for this challenge.

Oh CRAP!!!  I already voted.  But I consider this one neck and neck with my other favorite.  In other words, this is in my top three.

There was a *touch* too much introspection in this script, a little bit of repetitive fat that could be trimmed.  But this plays like a classic Twilight Zone - hits all the right notes.  

Kudos.  I'm VERY glad to have read this one.  

Cheers,  --J (W)

I see this one's a frontrunner as of now.

I'm just gonna echo what wonkavite said.

Not my fav, but definitely in the top 3.  Smartly written.  Good job.

Weighted Matrix: https://docs.google.com/spread.....TTUE&usp=sharing

Producer's Notes: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NNGaVlrrpkjIfp-BRGjpTE03W1e5lZuRceJ3wQECYaI/edit?usp=sharing

24. The Grieving Spell by Seventeen - Horror - A grieving man uses a special magic to relieve the pain he feels following the death of his wife.
Brief - A husband seeks the easement of pain of wife's death through witchcraft

Location(s)  - Beach, forest road, car interior while driving in the rain (sigh), mountain lodge office, kitchen
Cast -
Protagonist(s)  -  
LAWRENCE, 40, pale, emotionless
ASTRID, 65, weathered face, wild grey hair
HELEN, 40, tired but attractive
TOMMY, 45, dressed in black leathers, like a rock star
Genre & Marketability -
Comments  - FYI, exterior night shots are a PITA to shoot. "Out of the window he spies a sign: NEW DAWN CENTRE" You know, those signs cost money to make. "On the side is a larger sign: Astrid Dove - High Priestess - New Dawn Centre" What do you think about me, as the producer, deducting the cost of these signs from your pay, as the screenwriter? Alright, we have four locations by the end of pg2 - it's expensive coordinating and moving cast & crew to each location. Quit that. Alright, by pg5 I can tell from the growing number of characters and locations combined with tepid story that I wouldn't be interested in producing this. Ciao.
Script format - fair.
Final word - Excessive locations and tepid story killed this midway through screenplay.

     Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/      Screenplay Pages
= $      Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Modern Witches and/or Warlocks -
Horror -

Thanks for the reads folks. All good stuff.

Alas for me I had to shave two pages off in less than two hours before posting the script, as I read the criteria incorrectly, and this knocked it hard - I lost too many readers and the intercutting was too much.

However, I like the concept and will probably try to flesh this out to see if it has legs for a bigger competition entry - time will tell.

But, if anybody has anything further to add, I'm happy to hear it.

Cheers

SHAMELESS BUMP

latest draft up.

I enjoyed this, it was well written and filled with nice imagery. I see it won the 2013 short script competition in the London film awards. Congratulations man!

Thanks Mark, i appreciate the read.

This was the version entered to the London Film awards which is a bit different to the OWC entry. I'll be entering it into a couple others to see what happens.

cheers