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Lots of typos, lots of choppy description but also lots of well-written action. I really enjoyed it overall. The first scene does seem like it should be INT./EXT. Jacob's van instead of just EXT. and some of the dialogue was rough but the action more than made up for it. The ending worked as well. Good job.
I keep looking back and with the exception of the one typo (swa/saw) I am simply not seeing it. Usually I'm near paranoid about these sorts of things. You are on to something about the first scene. But some don't care for an INT/EXT scene in cars for some reason. Not in this thread, mind you but other hubs I sometimes frequent. Just the same, that would have lessened some early confusion. I went about it another way as I started to rewrite, but that works just the same.
Poor writing aside, I think you have a good sense of visual storytelling. You need to improve the writing to be able to take advantage of that, but that's the easy part. Keep learning and practicing.
A decent beginning, and then it becomes Evil Dead Hands. No story, just action. The action is pretty good, in an '80s B-movie campy way, which I don't mind. But without any story it's meaningless. The ending doesn't work, it just hints at the story that's missing without telling us anything.
I've done better. And in some areas on this draft I should know better. And in the past few days I wound up hating that ending too. It was a last minute thought, meant to be ironic. It had the opposite effect.
Hey Darren. I hand write notes as I review. I don't like to nitpick so I don't usually point everything out (I find that obnoxious). This is what I jotted down, not sure where I stopped:
Jacob watches her take a gift bag. -- ??
His flexes his hands -- he??
Illuminati -ish -- extra space
VAN - NIGHT -- extra space
slips on an emerald
Stuffs it on the inside pocket -- in??
Porch light Bulb
where a assortment -- an
the rips the cord. -- then??
The swa comes alive -- saw
I give you a minute -- I'll??
** Hope this helps. Best of luck with the rewrite and I hope you're feeling better!!
There is however, one comment that troubles me. There's only one typo in tis old draft you see before you.
Darren, I hate when people blithely say they see typos in something - (happens especially with OWC's) as a sort of rounding off to their critique. Thing is, there are a couple more than perhaps you've noticed. Being that I don't want to come off as a pedantic prick I'll PM you if you want them. A couple are the same as Marnie's btw.
Like I said before though, main thing is I enjoyed this - it reminded me of old fashioned horror with plenty of blood and gore and limbs flying about.
Hey Darren. I hand write notes as I review. I don't like to nitpick so I don't usually point everything out (I find that obnoxious). This is what I jotted down, not sure where I stopped:
Jacob watches her take a gift bag. -- ??
His flexes his hands -- he??
Illuminati -ish -- extra space
VAN - NIGHT -- extra space
slips on an emerald
Stuffs it on the inside pocket -- in??
Porch light Bulb
where a assortment -- an
the rips the cord. -- then??
The swa comes alive -- saw
I give you a minute -- I'll??
** Hope this helps. Best of luck with the rewrite and I hope you're feeling better!!
Yes it does, but---it does not really matter concerning an extra space in a slug head and "Illuminati-ish" wasn't really a word, so I attempted to describe it visually while being generic. I don't worry about a word or two that is capitalized capped first letter in a OWC.. The 'I give you a minute' was in dialog and intentional. That's the way the chatacter spoke at the time.
I'll admit I wasn't on my game due to recent events. As it is, I am rewriting the script and leaning towards my first ideas about it. Thanks for your help.
My rewrite of Withered is also a bit of re-working. Excellent! I look forward to seeing what variant direction you take with this.
There will be at least two new locations* added and two characters. Groaaaan. Make 'em worthwhile, that's all I can say.
One of them being a shrink, the other an occult bookstore cashier (could be non-speaking, the director wants his Hitchcock moment .) Speaking. Non-speaking. Doesn't matter much, usually. Producer's still gotta pick someone from their local actor pool in a casting call (time+$$), then schedule them to show up at the same time as the crew to shoot and record them (time+$$), pay them (time+$$), then edit for video, post VFX, sound, soundFX FOR THAT SHOT (time+$$.) Inescapably, even if the final film runs at the same time limit, more characters+shots = more $$. In fact, post will likely cost more than what can be done "in camera".
And using the crew for bit cast parts is old hat.
The page count will increase - possibly between 10-15 pages. Groaaaan. Make 'em worthwhile, that's all I can say. Remember the producer's mantra to writers: Your capacity to think up sh!t exceeds my capability to pay for it.
however while there will be some horror-gore, it will be toned down a slight bit. I would go the opposite direction. This horror short isn't going to be shown on Liftime Channel, right? Go crazy.
Consider that a prodco likes the bit with the crawling hands but the budget only goes so far and there needs to be slightly more character establishment. Depends upon the prodco. What my miniscule budget is and what Dustin's or Pia's or someone else's budget and resources (talent pool/crew/equipment/locations/costumes/props/budget/practical vs. SFX/etc.) are all going to vary.
You may recal from my faux producer's notes:
Quoted Text
SFX costs alone are killing this more than anything.
So, one would assume that an interested prodco has the proper capabilities to finance and execute the extensive crawling hands effects. Ether someone's going to do that for dirt cheap nothing (like Gareth Edwards charged for his own 'Monsters') or bill it out to someone not quite as pricey as The Brothers Strause.
Conservatively, figure about $50/second of final edit for SFX.
So a little of it might remain, but it will be scaled back, less is more/ not as over the top. Hmm... okay. I'd still go with over the top. Just my gut. This isn't Shakespeare the last I looked at it.
BTW, as much as I like hot girls, nudity costs a little extra, even if the actress is going to be caked with (fake) blood. Some actresses may be brave, others not so much. So--nothing more suggestive than your average shampoo commercial if you can help it (try to avoid T&A) Meh, you'd be surprised. Finding a an actress that'll do horror nude + act is kinda hard. But finding someone to go topless really isn't difficult. It's the combination of the two, acting ability + willing to go topless, that's just difficult to find.
(Ask 'em if you can cover them in REAL blood! LOL!)
(*one location is the antagonist's room, but since not all of the int. of the house was filmed - with some creative dressing the location could still be in the same house location, and/or moved furniture and clever camerawork)
In your assessment of the draft seen here, you counted the garage and an asylum as a seperate locations. But what if we had a house that had a garage? And, since in the script, you only see one view of the asylum, could that "location" also be filmed in the house we find? And, if you dropped the protag from being in there, but had the antag instead being interviewed, that's a one room location. With tight camerawork, that location might be easier to find as well. Nice try, Kimosabe. Time. Time. Time. Time = money.
Yes, SOMEONE can find the location. Yes, SOMEONE(S) can redress the location. Yes, that also means SOMEONE's gotta re-redress the location back to a garage! Yes, that's gonna cost SOMEONE(s) time. X2, redress & re-redress! Yes, time = $$$.
Again, producer to writer: Your ability to think up sh!t exceeds my ability to pay for it.
I noticed this a lot Ray - where your breakdowns are nice, but you never (or rarely) factor in locations in the script that *could* double for other locations. Yes, it could be a little time consuming, moving stuff around - but if one part of an interior location is filmed and the other half isn't, couldn't clever folks use the other half for 'other locations'? There's not much cheating the clock. Granted, a producer isn't going to have to coordinate moving cast and crew to a new physical location. However, changing the garage to an asylum is going to take time + resources. And then you gotta return it back to a garage, again, = time + resources part deux!
So, whether the producer coordinates cast and crew to rendezvous at Bob's garage two days later on the 13th for the asylum shot or tomorrow the 12th at the abandoned pizza bakery for the asylum shot really doesn't matter a whole lot.
Getting everyone to one place at one time is difficult enough. Getting everyone to two or three or more places at one time becomes exponentially, not geometrically, more difficult. For both cast and crew these are almost never regular jobs.
It all depends upon whose dime you're spending. Yes, many of those shorts in the above links are expensive to shoot. But often they're competing for mondo prizes, as well.
Do some youtube homework for "48hr film festivals." Watch a bunch of them. >50.
Guesstimate a budget for each of them; assume the cast cost $50ea., cameraman is the director/editor/producer and works for free, audio recordist costs $100, props and costumes costs retail, craft services costs $50, indirect costs of computer/NLE/lighting/consumables has a depreciating value of $100.
See what patterns you notice. And these are some pretty desperately creative teams.