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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2013 One Week Challenge  ›  Witches Can't Fly - OWC
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  Author    Witches Can't Fly - OWC  (currently 2705 views)
Pale Yellow
Posted: October 26th, 2013, 4:16pm Report to Moderator
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The dialogue on the first page...everytime the Miss Devere talks..she asks a question. I dunno why, but it always bothers me to read a question after a question over a whole page of dialogue. On page 3 the dialogue (names) seemed switched up or it's like both of your characters seem to sound so similar at this point it's hard to keep up with who's talking at times. You should try and make each character have their own voice. I think this thing was a bit too talky for me.

Interesting cat tattoo..just saw that same tatt on a girl at the sports bar the other night! lol

The end...that was a cute twist. I can't say I saw any horror in this at all really.
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Ryan1
Posted: October 26th, 2013, 4:27pm Report to Moderator
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I liked some of the lines in this:  "Careful what you witch for."  The pentagon line.  But the only problem is that nothing happens until the very end.  The entire body of this script is nothing but expo dialogue between the two women.  Pure dialogue would have worked if there was an ominous feeling building, but this was way too light-hearted to be considered horror.  And why would Devere go to the trouble of having Raven possessed if she was going to kill her anyway?
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Feeble1
Posted: October 26th, 2013, 8:42pm Report to Moderator
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This wasn't a totally serious entry because it lacked any real horror. There was quite a bit of humour in it - craigslist (I'm tired of this reference being used time and again for comedy!), the nudity and the onset sex addiction were all 'funny'.

The dialogue was okay, but you could thin it out a bit because some of the 'banter' got tiresome and was 'on the nose'.
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stevemiles
Posted: October 27th, 2013, 7:14am Report to Moderator
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Feels like the writer had fun putting this together but the back and forth between characters did little to build the story and left this feeling unfocused.

If you opted for a re-write I’d suggest trimming all the irrelevant information from the dialogue until you’re left with only that which advances the story.  At least give it a shot and see how it reads compared to the original.

Could also give the reader more of an idea as to how/why Raven was such a potential threat to witch-kind that Miss Deveres was sent to kill her.

I did wonder what purpose raising the spirit of Ashley Michael served if Miss Deveres subsequently killed Raven/Ashley.  Odd ending, made me chuckle but it needs more connection to the rest.  A fun idea, but vibrating naked witches aside, this didn’t work for me.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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RadioShea89
Posted: October 27th, 2013, 10:07am Report to Moderator
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I like the idea of one witch trying to get rid of another in the race who might get everyone in trouble due to her idiocy.

When I first started reading the dialog didn't feel authentic to me. Was this woman grieving? If so, it just seemed weird the way she was talking. Then I thought maybe it was a comedy?

Check grammar and spelling. for instance, pg 3 "it" should be "if".

Pet peeve - showing Fade Out and The End.

Not a bad effort.


“Every piece of writing... starts from what I call a grit... a sight or sound, a sentence or happening that does not pass away... but quite inexplicably lodges in the mind.” ~ Rumer Godden
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RJ
Posted: October 28th, 2013, 8:05am Report to Moderator
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Good effort by the writer, but this wasn't for me.

There isn't really anything I can say that hasn't already been covered.

Keep at it.

Renee
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RayW
Posted: October 29th, 2013, 4:37pm Report to Moderator
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Weighted Matrix: https://docs.google.com/spread.....TTUE&usp=sharing

Producer's Notes: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NNGaVlrrpkjIfp-BRGjpTE03W1e5lZuRceJ3wQECYaI/edit?usp=sharing

47. Witches Can't Fly by Thirty-Five - Horror - A young witch is hired to raise the spirit of a dead woman, but things don't go according to plan.
Brief - Mature witch uses young with to raise the spirit of recent deceased

Location(s)  - Cemetary
Cast -
Protagonist(s)  -  
RAVEN, 20s?, A spirited young woman
Antagonist(s)  -
MISS DEVERE, 30s?, well-dressed, attractive, and sophisticated
Genre & Marketability - Supernatural Horror, light. With a little bit of rework this story might be salvageable.
Comments  -  Need title page. Title sucks, BTW. HFS! Needs proper formatting! WTH are you doing? Shooting at night's a PITA, BTW. As producer I'm deducting the cost of that custom faux-headstone from your pay as screenwriter. FWIW, although I don't care, a lot of readers despise -ly and -ing verbs, which forces you to do a cake walk around them. Beats me. Very amusing:
               RAVEN
     Well, no. I had to deaden 'em some.
I like Raven's glib character. Hmm... Excellent usage of a single location! Also great usage of just two characters! Duo-kudos! I am not real clear on just what happened there at the end, but with a little work we can clear that up. Hmm... would like more actual "horror" in this horror story, and am not so sure this isn't some punch-line morality story. It's kinda like a lame SNL skit, the ones with the abrupt ending.
Script format - fair.
Final word - Salvageable upon rewrite.

$200 - 1,000          Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/ 8.5               Screenplay Pages
= $24 - 118          Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Modern Witches and/or Warlocks - Sorta. Spirit summoning is far more sellable than raising the dead.
Horror - Weak, but present.




Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
RayW  -  October 29th, 2013, 5:19pm
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