Witches Can't Fly by Thirty-Five - Horror - A young witch is hired to raise the spirit of a dead woman, but things don't go according to plan. (PG) - pdf, format

SPOILERS

You have some good lines in this, but for the most part the dialogue went on for too long.

There isn't much of a story here, either. You could easily trim this down to six or seven pages.

I can appreciate the twist, but at the same time, I just don't buy that Raven didn't see it coming. She just mentioned that you need an already dead body to bring somebody back to life, so who did she think they were gonna use?

And lose the copyright notice at the bottom of every page.

Anyway, I still enjoyed this. Needs some work, but a nice effort for a week.

Hope this helps...

Will

I've said this a few times and I';ll say it here too - this ain't no horror script.

It actually reads like a comedy or even a pisser.  Way too much chattering that may be funny to some, but for me, got irritating quickly.

I see no story here and I really don't even understand what went on and why.

Not for me, sorry to say.

Good job entering a script.

Things I have problems with:

RAVEN
You have to be born a witch. Or a
warlock.

I think that line could have been said better. I feel this is just a reference to the topic, and to me it comes off bluntly and a bit lame. I feel "It's just something you're born with." or something like that would have sufficed.

I also don't like the serial killer line. Seems pretty ridiculous for a woman to ask a question about raising the dead, and then attack a woman who is helping her after getting a response.

Also it says "it we were trying to raise a man" should be if, obviously. Just a little spelling error, so that's no biggie.

I think technically speaking, I personally didn't notice any problems with the writing. It flowed well but I think the dialogue here got pretty lame after a point. It seemed like you were trying to make some profound statement mixed in with slapstick comedy in some lines.

Neither of the characters were very likeable either, in my opinion. Raven was too childish and seemed a bit forced. And Devere just seemed like a plain ole bitch.

The twist could have been handled a bit better. I think with more pages you could have done it and am going to guess it's the culprit for that problem.

But this wasn't bad. Definitely nothing to be ashamed of, and it was better than mine as well.

Witches can't fly

Logline - seems a decent idea, much will be in the execution

No title page - this won't affect by opinion but I would say I prefer scripts to have one.
Slug - needs a dash by night
Why CAP autumn wind?
Oh I see, lots of caps. Be careful not to do too many. They should be left for special I moments IMO
I wouldn't use the future tense , ie will do something.  Better to says she does something

Finished

Not very horror.

It was light hearted, a simple blast of fun, more of a sketch.

For this to work for this competition it needed to be darker, with probably a violent and ironic ending.

Grade D - reflects the fact this is not a horror script, IMO, as it should be.

Dialogue isn't very good I'm afraid. Needs a lot of work. It feels like it's trying to be hip and cool but it reads like a b movie.

This might be a pisser, I can't tell. It wasn't funny, even though it tried to be. I didn't find the dialogue amusing, everything basically dragged and dragged and dragged... Until we finally finished. I could've read the first 2 pages and then the ending and it would've made sense. None of that chitter chatter lead to anything and could be achieved in way less time. Needs work.

Grade: D-

Hey writer,

Sorry to say I was out by page 5, and skimmed the rest. The dialogue here just goes on forever while she's trying to raise this dead person. It really was tedious. Perhaps if there weren't so many scripts to read I would have gone further, anyway...

But congrats on entering!

Steve

Pg. 2 Writing was going fairly well until, “Miss Devere will circle the grave”. Action lines should be stating what ‘is’, not what ‘will be’.

Pg. 5 The dialogue started out good and I was initially getting a feel for these characters, but by this point I’m getting impatient. I hope something happens soon.

In the end this didn’t fit the horror requirement. It took awhile for the story to kick in and once it did everything ended kind of abruptly. Most of the dialogue was wasted on me and the ending left me wanting. Maybe if we knew more about this Ashley Michaels person and why they were resurrecting her in the first place.

On the plus side, the writing was pretty good. I just wish more had come from the story.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

A few notes as I go:

• "Gleaming dully" sounds contradictory.
  
• Is Raven the slave or is the patron the slave?  The way it's worded right now sounds like the patron is the slave.
  
• Having Raven state her age sounds unnatural.  Just tell us that Raven is 19 in her description and have her say that the dead girl "was my age".
  
• "Touché" makes it sound like they're having this conversation over coffee, not in a cemetery getting ready to raise the dead.  All the dialogue sounds like they're, "you know, kinda like, they're just, you know, like, teenage girls texting back and forth, you know, like, you know".
  
• The outside of a pentagram IS a pentagon.  Typically pentagrams are associated with evil, so a pentagram would be worse than a pentagon.  Correct me if I'm wrong.
  
• Pg. 7  I'm seriously thinking about gnawing through my wrists because this "OMG LOL" dialogue is killing me.
  

This has to be the most well written bad script I've read so far.  Technically there isn't too much wrong with it, but the story is painful to read.  

Couldn't Miss Devere just zap Raven with lightning as soon as they got to the cemetery?  I would have liked that a lot more.

Jordan

This one didn't grab me.  The plot was muddled and Raven is completely unsympathetic.  The dialogue was on-the-nose and went on much too long.  Also- FADE IN should be left justified.  However, it's always hard to put your work out there to be judged and I sincerely commend you for that.  Keep writing.  

I like this. Lots of subtext and foreshadowing, elevating the dialogue considerably. It does go on a bit long, too many returns to the "Death Inc" idea and not enough character from Miss Devere.

Definitely some writing issues, already pointed out so I won't harp on them further. I like the craigslist element but that's the only modern aspect to the story, it could have taken place any time. Also, not a horror, maybe a thriller.

I think this has potential with a rewrite. Good job completing the OWC.

I haven't read any replies so excuse me if I repeat anything or take note if a few peeps are writing the same feedback

The parameters asked for modern Witches horror... I guess the mini cooper and Craiglist mention made it somewhat modern as for the horror... zero

The dialogue was pretty tame and on the nose, for example the opening scene when there are only 2 characters and both mention each other's names whilst talking to each other, they know who they are.

There were a few funny lines if that was the intention, but there were also a lot of repetitive lines, naming the company about raising the dead, for one.

As far as storyline goes it was pretty straight forward and ended as if you ran out of ideas.

Develop your characters a little better, create more than a scene.

You should be proud that you got an entry and completed the OWC now you have time to work on it.

Mark

Man, if there's a script amongst these entries that holds your hand from start to finish, this is it.

Miss Devere isn't a character; she's a foil and here to ask questions so Raven can explain the plot, down to every last detail. Her dialogue is so heavy handed, she even begins some of her dialogue with phrases like "Let me guess..." or "Tell me, Raven..." If you're going to spoon-feed the reader this much, at least *try* to make it not so obvious.

And despite the blatant exposition, you still manage to make Miss Devere just a flat out weird character. I mean, she doesn't bat an eyelash at anything Raven says. Even though she's not a witch (pretending not to be a witch), she behaves as if every single thing that happens in this graveyard is normal. Kind of gives herself away, really.

As for Raven, her character grows increasingly insufferable as the plot moves along. Her dialogue wavers between pretentious and just flat out poseur-ish. And she has a tattoo of her kitty... watch out. Badass witch right here.

Jokes a plenty throughout as well. Almost none of them are funny. But that's okay. A select few scripts submitted actually have been funny. Still, it seems like Raven's character is meant to be really sharp-witted and generous with her zingers but it all just makes her seem more fake.

Strangely, the action paragraphs are written more or less acceptably. Nothing here that a standard rewrite wouldn't fix.

No horror to be found here. The ending is obviously meant to be a comedic one but if there's supposed to be a blend of some sort going on here, there isn't. I'm not sure if that's the jokes or just how overly explanatory everything is.

Sorry. Didn't care for it at all. Actually wondering if this isn't supposed to be a pisser. Hope not.

No comments read before.
Non-native speaker – take it or leave it.


Witches can't fly

Hello.

For me dialogue has got even not half the power as movement, action, physical interaction. Just want to say to you because...hm...you write interesting... no doubt... but it's not the elementary stuff I want; you're hiding this from me.

And I'm disappointed of your choice to shoot, ya, a conversation film.
I think it's just too much. Questions and answers and all that...

You have so nice images, if you try to show: She tosses the empty urn against another grave .  In my head I hear a CLACK-TONE. That picture that clack-tone brings something alive.

Images, audio-tones,
What's more emotional? Characters disrespecting the death by throwing an urn against the grave of another death like a coke-can into the garbage, or dialogue? 2 disrespected lives in one picture. It gives a horrible impression. Ask yourself. Dialogue can be emotional, build empathy, sure, but not as much as movement in which case ever, and for sure not in such quantity.

Write action and not just dialogue. Even if I disliked that fact, you did solid work.

Please, please, please turn off the title and copyright on the bottom of each page.

RAVEN - Well, no. I had to deaden’em some. (funny and a unique voice)  

MISS DEVERE - Isn't that how serial killers get their start? Jack the Ripper got his start that way, I hear. (I'd choose one of these lines. Both come off as repetitive)

How to kill an orphan: Raven reaches into the bag again and pulls out a small brass
urn. --  Raven reaches back in the bag, pulls out a small brass urn.

RAVEN - Hey, you can't make an omelette without breaking some eggs, right? (another great line)

So, lots of dialog in this story. Some good but some, not so good. The story itself was cute, good twist at the end but NOT at all a horror.

Congrats of completing something for this OWC.

The dialogue on the first page...everytime the Miss Devere talks..she asks a question. I dunno why, but it always bothers me to read a question after a question over a whole page of dialogue. On page 3 the dialogue (names) seemed switched up or it's like both of your characters seem to sound so similar at this point it's hard to keep up with who's talking at times. You should try and make each character have their own voice. I think this thing was a bit too talky for me.

Interesting cat tattoo..just saw that same tatt on a girl at the sports bar the other night! lol

The end...that was a cute twist. I can't say I saw any horror in this at all really.

I liked some of the lines in this:  "Careful what you witch for."  The pentagon line.  But the only problem is that nothing happens until the very end.  The entire body of this script is nothing but expo dialogue between the two women.  Pure dialogue would have worked if there was an ominous feeling building, but this was way too light-hearted to be considered horror.  And why would Devere go to the trouble of having Raven possessed if she was going to kill her anyway?

This wasn't a totally serious entry because it lacked any real horror. There was quite a bit of humour in it - craigslist (I'm tired of this reference being used time and again for comedy!), the nudity and the onset sex addiction were all 'funny'.

The dialogue was okay, but you could thin it out a bit because some of the 'banter' got tiresome and was 'on the nose'.

Feels like the writer had fun putting this together but the back and forth between characters did little to build the story and left this feeling unfocused.

If you opted for a re-write I’d suggest trimming all the irrelevant information from the dialogue until you’re left with only that which advances the story.  At least give it a shot and see how it reads compared to the original.

Could also give the reader more of an idea as to how/why Raven was such a potential threat to witch-kind that Miss Deveres was sent to kill her.

I did wonder what purpose raising the spirit of Ashley Michael served if Miss Deveres subsequently killed Raven/Ashley.  Odd ending, made me chuckle but it needs more connection to the rest.  A fun idea, but vibrating naked witches aside, this didn’t work for me.

I like the idea of one witch trying to get rid of another in the race who might get everyone in trouble due to her idiocy.

When I first started reading the dialog didn't feel authentic to me. Was this woman grieving? If so, it just seemed weird the way she was talking. Then I thought maybe it was a comedy?

Check grammar and spelling. for instance, pg 3 "it" should be "if".

Pet peeve - showing Fade Out and The End.

Not a bad effort.

Good effort by the writer, but this wasn't for me.

There isn't really anything I can say that hasn't already been covered.

Keep at it.

Renee

Weighted Matrix: https://docs.google.com/spread.....TTUE&usp=sharing

Producer's Notes: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NNGaVlrrpkjIfp-BRGjpTE03W1e5lZuRceJ3wQECYaI/edit?usp=sharing

47. Witches Can't Fly by Thirty-Five - Horror - A young witch is hired to raise the spirit of a dead woman, but things don't go according to plan.
Brief - Mature witch uses young with to raise the spirit of recent deceased

Location(s)  - Cemetary
Cast -
Protagonist(s)  -  
RAVEN, 20s?, A spirited young woman
Antagonist(s)  -
MISS DEVERE, 30s?, well-dressed, attractive, and sophisticated
Genre & Marketability - Supernatural Horror, light. With a little bit of rework this story might be salvageable.
Comments  -  Need title page. Title sucks, BTW. HFS! Needs proper formatting! WTH are you doing? Shooting at night's a PITA, BTW. As producer I'm deducting the cost of that custom faux-headstone from your pay as screenwriter. FWIW, although I don't care, a lot of readers despise -ly and -ing verbs, which forces you to do a cake walk around them. Beats me. Very amusing:
               RAVEN
     Well, no. I had to deaden 'em some.
I like Raven's glib character. Hmm... Excellent usage of a single location! Also great usage of just two characters! Duo-kudos! I am not real clear on just what happened there at the end, but with a little work we can clear that up. Hmm... would like more actual "horror" in this horror story, and am not so sure this isn't some punch-line morality story. It's kinda like a lame SNL skit, the ones with the abrupt ending.
Script format - fair.
Final word - Salvageable upon rewrite.

$200 - 1,000          Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/ 8.5               Screenplay Pages
= $24 - 118          Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Modern Witches and/or Warlocks - Sorta. Spirit summoning is far more sellable than raising the dead.
Horror - Weak, but present.