Why is James screaming at the end? I think it worked out pretty well for him.

I couldn't help but think of Hostel while reading as it somewhat mirrors that premise with the American student in a European city.

I did like this, thought the writing was good and it read fast. I think you did a good job of making the reader doubt Rayna (well I did) and whether she was involved with Anastasiya in some way so well done there.

I wasn't as taken in with James and wasn't buying him being a virgin in this day and age, not to mention where he likes to hang out - I gather he was at a strip club in the beginning. Also the fact that he brings a REAL machete to a party is a little hard to believe, but I’ll let it ride as it did serve to give the story some chopped off demon limbs.

A good entry.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Steve

Thought this one was a p*sser?

     ANASTASIYA
I get you hard now, yes? We make
love all night in the Old One's name.

Hey,

Thought this one was pretty good. Your visuals were outstanding! I got such a clear image of the Samhain that I thought I was there! Anyway, it had an old timey horror feel to it. Kids, machete, big party and a hot witch. You know what the outcome will be, it will be contrived and done before, but you still kinda want to watch.

Only problem was that nothing here really scared me, and I didn't get much of a feeling of suspense, which I think s good horror story should def have.

Interesting to see where this places. Good luck with it. Congrats on entering.

Steve

First off, horns on the Type O namedrop. You even use the phrase "milk white" shortly after. It's as cheesy as it is in the song but... nice one.

Anyway, I thought this was a decent effort. Nice flavor with the backpacker and goth culture.

I thought James and Rayna were pretty bland and their wholesomeness kind of see-sawed between vaguely sweet and tedious. Honestly, the virgin angle would've made them more interesting if you'd developed it further. I mean, at 23, it seems weird. I was curious what their deal was.

Regardless, that'd be something to develop just for the sake of the story as it comes in later intended to be pretty relevant. As it stands now, it's sort of shoehorned in there.

Anyway, I was interested to see where the story was going and kinda perked up once they got to Samhaim. Obviously, something bad's going to happen.

Unfortunately, you lost me at the ending. It all happened too quickly and I didn't buy that James would be able to cut through those creatures the way he did. The end of the battle is jarring and raises too many questions that don't get properly answered. The finale isn't a payoff so much as it is plot slamming into a brick wall. There's obviously way more story to tell here. I think this is another case of a story being too big for 10 pages.

Well written for the most part. Has potential. Good job overall.

So I love the title of this. I think you did good with the dialogue on this. I was surprised at the ending...because I've never heard of this type thing done at any pagan, wiccan or Samhain celebration. And most say Blessed Be instead of Blessed Samhain.

I can't say I like the ending as much as the beginning. It was a strange way to end it I must say. I think that them telling him they had video of him killing Rayna could've been done just a lil better...even by showing just a tad of footage to him. Found footage ...even a sentence or two makes things feel so real and it would be horrific if he did indeed kill his girlfriend.

Good job..

It was nice to read a script pretty much free of typos and format problems.
But this story didn't do it for me. Some of the dialogue had me laughing for all the wrong reasons.
As pointed out this felt too much like Hostel. Very little going on the way of witchcraft until right at the end, even then it seemed like a tag on.
A lot of the plot seemed to just appear without any good reason.
I could go on but I'd best leave it there.

No comments read before.
Non-native speaker – take it or leave it.


Samhain, Romanian Style

Hello!
Strong story, great pictures, flowing images in a overall harmonic script,
a lot of good and also bad character development, good structure
good setting,
nearly not overwritten, interesting ending,

The little No's: Romanian is one of the hardest places in Europe; and I mean really hard. You wouldn't go there with a machete as foreigner. It would be nearer your own death to be armed then protection. The gangs are hardcore there.  And that guy is sensitive. He tells his father he's in love and loves him, back etc.
That doesn't fit to the table-bar scene, and the machete thing at all doesn't fit. If you are in danger falling asleep because of a potion, I don't think sb. would start an attack. We would realize there's no way out, and try to NEGOTIATE. The kiss had to be unacceptable for the girlfriend of the exchange student. Girls react in that case like tigers.

But it's film, and I have no doubts, that was a good one.

Already like the setting and set up, seems like my kind of horror!

I liked this, it was a cool setting and it was fun.

I don't understand why nobody ever spoke in Romanian though.

The dialogue in the end had a lot of exposition all at once, but nothing you can do about that considering the page limit.

It was a neat idea, not perfectly executed, but still fun for what it was.

A good effort.

I'm actually of a mixed mind about this one.  It's solid writing, and an enjoyable read.  Definitely better than many of the piss-takes that I've read in this OWC.  And I didn't feel the violence was over the top, either - given the topic, anyway.

Just...it was a little *too* straight forward.  No twists and turns on this one.  Just a straight line to the impending doom that I pretty much figured was coming early on. IE: nothing really new brought to the table on this.  Which, ideally is what one would want to see.

Good writing, though - so kudos.    One of the more fun reads for this batch.

Cheers,

--J (W)

Definitely a unique take on the challenge. I liked the feel of this as a whole.

Pg. 8 Having them turn into creatures during James’ POV actually got me thinking they were hallucinations. I kept thinking the end was going to be him finding out he’d just slice and diced a bunch of party goers.

A lot of exposition was crammed in at the last minute and the ending suffered from it. This was an easy read, written well and I enjoyed the ‘offness’ of the foreign dialogue. I just think it was the rush to the climax that hampered it some.

Good job and congrats!

Weighted Matrix: https://docs.google.com/spread.....TTUE&usp=sharing

Producer's Notes: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NNGaVlrrpkjIfp-BRGjpTE03W1e5lZuRceJ3wQECYaI/edit?usp=sharing

25. Samhain, Romanian Style by Eleventy-One - Horror - An American foreign exchange student in Bulgaria learns firsthand that witches are real and Halloween isn't just for kids.
Brief -

Location(s)  -
Cast -
Protagonist(s)  -  
Antagonist(s)  -
Genre & Marketability -
Comments  -  
Script format - Good
Final word - Can't afford to produce this

     Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/      Screenplay Pages
= $      Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Modern Witches and/or Warlocks -
Horror -

Quoted Text Easily one of the better entries.  Great job!

Jarring hypocrisy. Jarring.

@ Dreamscale

Sorry that I couldn't give a better review on this one, but as I said the broken english really ruined it for me.  I know you were trying to be authentic, but it was a bad call, IMO.    

Formatting is spot on as usual.

Quoted from KevinLenihan Jarring hypocrisy. Jarring.

Really?  I disagree.  Too busy to get into this now or give info on how this came to be and all the ins and outs, as well as responses to comments.

I will try to find the time to quote you on 1 of your entries and show you what real "jarring hypocrisy" is all about, though.

Quoted from NickSedario Sorry that I couldn't give a better review on this one, but as I said the broken english really ruined it for me.  I know you were trying to be authentic, but it was a bad call, IMO.     Formatting is spot on as usual.

Hey, Nick, thanks.  I'm surprised you had a problem with the broken English...I really am, as I really thought it sounded good.  I wanted Rayna to come off as a cute, goofy chick with some of her early dialogue.

Can't win 'em all!