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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2013 One Week Challenge  ›  Samhain, Romanian Style - OWC
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  Author    Samhain, Romanian Style - OWC  (currently 8682 views)
Don
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 9:38am Report to Moderator
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Samhain, Romanian Style by Eleventy-One - Horror - An American foreign exchange student in Bulgaria learns firsthand that witches are real and Halloween isn't just for kids. (R ) - pdf, format


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big lew
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 2:08pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this. I liked the world of the story - a Halloween ritual in Bulgaria. Much more interesting than in somebody's basement.

I wondered if there was any factual foundation for the Romanian Samhain ceremonies, and Google said, "yeah, man." So kudos to the writer for doing the research.

Excellent dialog, very good layering of the action, and while I anticipated some of the story turns, there were a few surprises that caught me at the end.

Nice work!
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stevie
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 7:05pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah this was pretty cool! The author did some serious research and he handled the accents and East European feel pretty well.

Had a good flow to it, so well done!

One query? How did they know James had never a root? Lol



I gotta head to work guys so will read more tomorrow which will be Monday. If u want me to read a specific one anyone, just PM me, ok?



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Eoin
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 7:27pm Report to Moderator
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Haven't read it as I'm just back from a night out (read a 'few' on board) but Samhain is a Gaelic word for Halloween and this set in Eastern Europe. Wondering how that all ties in. Anyway, minor quibble. Will read during the week, time permitting
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irish eyes
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 7:39pm Report to Moderator
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A Romanian Samhain... everybody steals from the Irish celts

This is my first read and I liked it, especially the nudity

It was well written from start to finish for me and pretty intriguing ending.

Well done for entering

Mark


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 12:32pm Report to Moderator
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Samhain

Don't know why but I don't like this title

Logline. - actually better than I expected. See you switched from Bulgarian


Built like a line backer...I'm guessing American writer, I'm clever like that
What's type o 1 negative etc
Euro's rain -took me a while to get it, they're from the punters. Maybe one to make clear.

Finished

Tidy writing, decent pace. I would have a guess at the writer of this.

Was I hooked by the story? Well, yes and no. A mysterious new dancer, an invite to a Samhain party in Romania is all solid stuff.  

Not sure why the boy and the girl are in a bar like that, seemed a tad off for an exchange student, but then again.
I liked the fact they lure him to kill his girlfriend, but...I suppose I didn't feel too much. I hadn't connected with him, for some reason, so the what happens doesn't affect me. I'm cold like that!!

When you read better scripts I also expect more. More depth, more theme, more intrigue and in that regard it could be enhanced. If it is random, stress the random. If it is him for a specific reason give it theme.

Funnily enough, I could picture Gregor organising the student and joking they love it so much they often don't go back, a foreshadowing

Having said that, a solid entry.

Grade b-



My scripts  HERE

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Grandma Bear
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 12:57pm Report to Moderator
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Still picking the scripts from the bottom on up.

Page 1.   I've actually been to Sofia. Back in my wilder days when it was still communist.  

I would suggest calling the people from there with heavy accents, Bulgarians instead of foreigners. They are in their own country. James is the foreigner.

Page 2.   You seem to enjoy writing this…

Quit taking notes at page two. The writing is solid and and the story works. It took me awhile to realize James was a virgin. If he is, would he really go to a club like that? The dialogue was good, but on occasion, it felt like two different accents.

I don't really have much as far as suggestions go. I think it works as is.

Good job on a weeks worth.  


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khamanna
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 2:16pm Report to Moderator
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It feels like it could use another ending. Something should happen at the end - a twist maybe.

It's well written and was overall a good read. Though I think you could get into the story much later. I was on p6 when they all went to that Samhain party.

I think we need to see that James is a virgin from the very beginning. If you did point that out - then I'm sorry, I must have missed it.

Some matter-of-factly dialog can be cut, I think. (like "You like?" "I like"...)
Otherwise, it's good - bloody and scary.
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 2:59pm Report to Moderator
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Gosh, this is pretty enjoyable.  Great sentence structure, translates to some great visuals.  I loved when he pulled the machete out when he was drugged.

Dialogue was good too, felt like the real thing.  Good settings and slugs, not too much to complain 'bout over here.

Well ...the ending was pretty solid, but I didn't like how they used the camera to cover their butts.  Can't they just not give a crap?  Not to say I didn't like the camera, adds the weirdness and fun of it.

Great entry, so far this OWC is awesome.

Johnny

Oh yeah, good song selection on the Type-O, lol!
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 4:11pm Report to Moderator
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Yes, thank you, writer!  Another one that's an easy read and pretty much mistake free.

I like the settings but didn't care much for the main Protag, James - not much character to this character. The other characters were good, and dialogue was a strong point.

Nice twist with Rayna's downfall, and I like the video camera idea, but it seems a bit rushed here.

Seems like the writer may have run out of space or time, as the finale seems rushed and/or short, but the very end is rather wicked and cool in a sick way.

Easily one of the better entries.  Great job!
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KevinLenihan
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 4:18pm Report to Moderator
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Why why why would someone bring a real machete to a costume party?

Except that it happens to be convenient to the story. We need to allow stories some conveniences, I understand that, but people don't take machetes to costume parties. Especially virgins!

And then this virgin dude, who has shown up til now no reason for us to think he is in any way heroic, suddenly becomes a mighty demon killing warrior wielding a real machete...beheading demons no less!

I'm sorry, the Patriots just lost on a bad call, so I am perhaps being unkind.

The writing is fine. It was clear, easy to read. No problems there.

The dialogue...well, if this is a relatively new writer, you've done pretty well. If this is a veteran, I am disappointed.

And Samhain of course is Celtic. I think the Celts rolled through Romania maybe 3000 years ago, and there has been no sign of Celtic culture there since the Romans, Germanic tribes and Slavic people left their mark.

As OWCs go, it's a decent effort, the writer put in some time, thanks for that. Good luck!
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Ryan1
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 8:44pm Report to Moderator
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This one is leading contender for Most Nudity prize.  Other than that, didn't care for it.  I saw all the "twists" coming up Main Street.  It instantly had a "Hostel" feel with the American student in Eastern Europe, which isn't bad, but hardly original.  The setup for the Samhain party took too long, IMO.  Felt like we should've been there by page 3 or earlier.  

The use of the subheadings was fine, but I think I would have bolded them to make them read easier.  Also, why go back to a full slug on page 3?  The dialogue was serviceable, nothing great.  The Romanian "missing words" accent got a little old, though.  

Didn't understand the line on page 6 where the cars in the lot vanish one by one?  Why, exactly?  James belting down the strange drink from some weirdo at a Romanian pagan party...great idea, bro.  This is again where the script had a rote feel to it.  It was obvious he was being set up from the get go.  Only thing that surprised me, and frankly stretched believability is that this guy is a virgin.  He's a linebacker, beer chuggin dude who ogles naked chicks in bars, has a steady Bulgarian girlfriend and brings freaking actual machetes to parties.  Not really clear how the witch knew this guy was a virgin, either.  Was hoping for some kind of wild twist at the end with some secret reveal about James, but didn't happen.  

For the most part, this was clearly written with only a couple typos, so at least it was a quick read.  

    
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NickSedario
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 9:03pm Report to Moderator
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This one didn't really do anything for me.  And frankly I can't even tell you why.  It just didn't.   Sorry.   I didn't like the broken english I know that much.  
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stevemiles
Posted: October 21st, 2013, 11:13am Report to Moderator
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Well, I could certainly think of worse satanic rituals to find myself an unwilling part of...

Feels like a steady hand put this together and I appreciate the setting for something a little different.  Held my attention throughout and I enjoyed the build-up with its balance of sexual tension and menace -- you just know some-one’s wildest dreams are about to take a nasty turn.

Whilst nothing groundbreaking it’s certainly an enjoyable and functional story.  I can’t help but think there’s a slightly tongue in cheek tone to all this -- though in compliment to the story and not to its detraction.

I would have liked an idea of Jame’s fate beyond the all-nighter.  Think there would have been a extra sting in the tail were he to learn of some darker fate beyond doing his bit in the old man’s name...  

Wasn’t always buying the ‘accented’ dialogue, but it worked to separate the characters and imply a sense of setting.

That said Grigor’s dialogue on p.10 was a little OTT, at that point it seemed to be played for laughs.

p.6 -- the machete came out of nowhere.  Think that could be tweaked.

Overall I sat back and just enjoyed it for what it was.  Machetes and naked pagan weirdness.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


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nawazm11
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"JAMES
Dad, I've only known her a few months.
(beat)
The right girl? We'll see soon.
(beat)
I love you too. Talk soon." This is probably the worst way possible to show exposition.

"James, my favorite American exchange student." Did he just actually say that?

"He my handsome American man." lol

Machetes can't chop bones clean, can they?

Unintentionally funny, at least for me. Sorry, but I don't think this came across the way you wanted it to, even though it seems you did some research. The dialogue was just laughable and the accents made it worse. I'm not really sure how to respond really. The story was just outrageous to the point where I think that this might be a pisser. Unfortunately, it didn't work for me. I'm a bit surprised at the responses as well but everybody has different tastes.

Grade: D-
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CoopBazinga
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Why is James screaming at the end? I think it worked out pretty well for him.

I couldn't help but think of Hostel while reading as it somewhat mirrors that premise with the American student in a European city.

I did like this, thought the writing was good and it read fast. I think you did a good job of making the reader doubt Rayna (well I did) and whether she was involved with Anastasiya in some way so well done there.

I wasn't as taken in with James and wasn't buying him being a virgin in this day and age, not to mention where he likes to hang out - I gather he was at a strip club in the beginning. Also the fact that he brings a REAL machete to a party is a little hard to believe, but I’ll let it ride as it did serve to give the story some chopped off demon limbs.

A good entry.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Steve
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Forgive
Posted: October 25th, 2013, 4:28pm Report to Moderator
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Thought this one was a p*sser?

     ANASTASIYA
I get you hard now, yes? We make
love all night in the Old One's name.

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SAC
Posted: October 25th, 2013, 8:46pm Report to Moderator
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Hey,

Thought this one was pretty good. Your visuals were outstanding! I got such a clear image of the Samhain that I thought I was there! Anyway, it had an old timey horror feel to it. Kids, machete, big party and a hot witch. You know what the outcome will be, it will be contrived and done before, but you still kinda want to watch.

Only problem was that nothing here really scared me, and I didn't get much of a feeling of suspense, which I think s good horror story should def have.

Interesting to see where this places. Good luck with it. Congrats on entering.

Steve


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James McClung
Posted: October 26th, 2013, 3:27pm Report to Moderator
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First off, horns on the Type O namedrop. You even use the phrase "milk white" shortly after. It's as cheesy as it is in the song but... nice one.

Anyway, I thought this was a decent effort. Nice flavor with the backpacker and goth culture.

I thought James and Rayna were pretty bland and their wholesomeness kind of see-sawed between vaguely sweet and tedious. Honestly, the virgin angle would've made them more interesting if you'd developed it further. I mean, at 23, it seems weird. I was curious what their deal was.

Regardless, that'd be something to develop just for the sake of the story as it comes in later intended to be pretty relevant. As it stands now, it's sort of shoehorned in there.

Anyway, I was interested to see where the story was going and kinda perked up once they got to Samhaim. Obviously, something bad's going to happen.

Unfortunately, you lost me at the ending. It all happened too quickly and I didn't buy that James would be able to cut through those creatures the way he did. The end of the battle is jarring and raises too many questions that don't get properly answered. The finale isn't a payoff so much as it is plot slamming into a brick wall. There's obviously way more story to tell here. I think this is another case of a story being too big for 10 pages.

Well written for the most part. Has potential. Good job overall.


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Pale Yellow
Posted: October 26th, 2013, 3:50pm Report to Moderator
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So I love the title of this. I think you did good with the dialogue on this. I was surprised at the ending...because I've never heard of this type thing done at any pagan, wiccan or Samhain celebration. And most say Blessed Be instead of Blessed Samhain.

I can't say I like the ending as much as the beginning. It was a strange way to end it I must say. I think that them telling him they had video of him killing Rayna could've been done just a lil better...even by showing just a tad of footage to him. Found footage ...even a sentence or two makes things feel so real and it would be horrific if he did indeed kill his girlfriend.

Good job..
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rendevous
Posted: October 27th, 2013, 1:47am Report to Moderator
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It was nice to read a script pretty much free of typos and format problems.
But this story didn't do it for me. Some of the dialogue had me laughing for all the wrong reasons.
As pointed out this felt too much like Hostel. Very little going on the way of witchcraft until right at the end, even then it seemed like a tag on.
A lot of the plot seemed to just appear without any good reason.
I could go on but I'd best leave it there.


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PrussianMosby
Posted: October 27th, 2013, 4:16pm Report to Moderator
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No comments read before.
Non-native speaker – take it or leave it.


Samhain, Romanian Style

Hello!
Strong story, great pictures, flowing images in a overall harmonic script,
a lot of good and also bad character development, good structure
good setting,
nearly not overwritten, interesting ending,

The little No's: Romanian is one of the hardest places in Europe; and I mean really hard. You wouldn't go there with a machete as foreigner. It would be nearer your own death to be armed then protection. The gangs are hardcore there.  And that guy is sensitive. He tells his father he's in love and loves him, back etc.
That doesn't fit to the table-bar scene, and the machete thing at all doesn't fit. If you are in danger falling asleep because of a potion, I don't think sb. would start an attack. We would realize there's no way out, and try to NEGOTIATE. The kiss had to be unacceptable for the girlfriend of the exchange student. Girls react in that case like tigers.

But it's film, and I have no doubts, that was a good one.



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Neighbour
Posted: October 27th, 2013, 5:48pm Report to Moderator
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Already like the setting and set up, seems like my kind of horror!

I liked this, it was a cool setting and it was fun.

I don't understand why nobody ever spoke in Romanian though.

The dialogue in the end had a lot of exposition all at once, but nothing you can do about that considering the page limit.

It was a neat idea, not perfectly executed, but still fun for what it was.

A good effort.


A bad writer, trying to become decent...

Thank you for all who put up with my work and try and help me improve.

Practice will hopefully pay off for my writing.
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wonkavite
Posted: October 28th, 2013, 1:11pm Report to Moderator
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I'm actually of a mixed mind about this one.  It's solid writing, and an enjoyable read.  Definitely better than many of the piss-takes that I've read in this OWC.  And I didn't feel the violence was over the top, either - given the topic, anyway.

Just...it was a little *too* straight forward.  No twists and turns on this one.  Just a straight line to the impending doom that I pretty much figured was coming early on. IE: nothing really new brought to the table on this.  Which, ideally is what one would want to see.

Good writing, though - so kudos.    One of the more fun reads for this batch.

Cheers,

--J (W)
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EWall433
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Definitely a unique take on the challenge. I liked the feel of this as a whole.

Pg. 8 Having them turn into creatures during James’ POV actually got me thinking they were hallucinations. I kept thinking the end was going to be him finding out he’d just slice and diced a bunch of party goers.

A lot of exposition was crammed in at the last minute and the ending suffered from it. This was an easy read, written well and I enjoyed the ‘offness’ of the foreign dialogue. I just think it was the rush to the climax that hampered it some.

Good job and congrats!
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RayW
Posted: October 29th, 2013, 4:22pm Report to Moderator
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Weighted Matrix: https://docs.google.com/spread.....TTUE&usp=sharing

Producer's Notes: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NNGaVlrrpkjIfp-BRGjpTE03W1e5lZuRceJ3wQECYaI/edit?usp=sharing

25. Samhain, Romanian Style by Eleventy-One - Horror - An American foreign exchange student in Bulgaria learns firsthand that witches are real and Halloween isn't just for kids.
Brief -

Location(s)  -
Cast -
Protagonist(s)  -  
Antagonist(s)  -
Genre & Marketability -
Comments  -  
Script format - Good
Final word - Can't afford to produce this

     Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/      Screenplay Pages
= $      Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Modern Witches and/or Warlocks -
Horror -




Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
RayW  -  October 29th, 2013, 5:09pm
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KevinLenihan
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Quoted Text
Easily one of the better entries.  Great job!


Jarring hypocrisy. Jarring.
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NickSedario
Posted: November 1st, 2013, 9:27am Report to Moderator
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@ Dreamscale

Sorry that I couldn't give a better review on this one, but as I said the broken english really ruined it for me.  I know you were trying to be authentic, but it was a bad call, IMO.    

Formatting is spot on as usual.
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Dreamscale
Posted: November 1st, 2013, 11:35am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from KevinLenihan
Jarring hypocrisy. Jarring.


Really?  I disagree.  Too busy to get into this now or give info on how this came to be and all the ins and outs, as well as responses to comments.

I will try to find the time to quote you on 1 of your entries and show you what real "jarring hypocrisy" is all about, though.

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Dreamscale
Posted: November 1st, 2013, 11:37am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from NickSedario
Sorry that I couldn't give a better review on this one, but as I said the broken english really ruined it for me.  I know you were trying to be authentic, but it was a bad call, IMO.    

Formatting is spot on as usual.


Hey, Nick, thanks.  I'm surprised you had a problem with the broken English...I really am, as I really thought it sounded good.  I wanted Rayna to come off as a cute, goofy chick with some of her early dialogue.

Can't win 'em all!

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DustinBowcot
Posted: November 2nd, 2013, 4:08am Report to Moderator
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This is one of those scripts I backed out of early and didn't want to offend a possible child with a bad review. Now that I know it doesn't belong to a child, I think of it as fair game. I also believe that a week is more than enough time to write a perfect short.

Page -1:
Code

GRIGOR
James, my favorite American exchange
student. You and Rayna well, yes?



The first half of page one is nicely done. It's when you move into this first piece of foreign dialogue, I cringe. It's just so clichéd, it's like I'm watching the start of a bad film (which, I suppose, I am). A few members have put it down to 'broken English', of course, for some reason, many members like to pussy-foot around you, probably because you scream a lot and are also very quick to stoop to profanity. However, it is not the broken English that is the problem here, it is the lack of character. You're simply mimicking what you've seen before in films rather than becoming the character. The character is a real person, with real motives. He wouldn't say all of that dialogue when a simple pat on the back, or half man hug would say the same thing. As it stands this dialogue is completely unrealistic and is one of the things that took me out of this before. Made me think a noob had written it and I didn't want to offend with a child score after I'd been advised by Bert that some were taking offence to it.

Code

They shake hands.
James takes a seat.



Is Grigor sitting too? You make no mention of that. Not all bars have seats at them. Now I'm having difficulty picturing what type of bar it is. The whole image has changed, which means you haven't done a good enough job of this earlier on.  You're missing vital description.

Code

James turns toward the stage, as the song ends.



You said there were three stages earlier. Now he's turning to 'the' stage. Is there a specific stage we should be noticing? A particular girl that is important to the story? Perhaps a romantic interest for our hero?

Code

The dancers leave their stages, to applause and screams.



Apparently not.

Code

Fog emanates from behind a black curtain.



I'm having difficulty picturing this. How high is this curtain? Don't curtains by definition generally start at the top and end at the bottom? Then they are retracted either sideways on a rail, or lifted up... or even down? How is this smoke visible? Is it leaking through the top? You need to find a better description here.

Code

ANASTASIYA, 21, sexy as all Hell, jet black hair, Gothed out
to the max, appears from the fog.



The above line of action looks like a twelve-year-old has written it. WTF does Gothed-out to-the-max mean? How do I visualise this? Is she covered in piercings and a tiger tattoo, complete with whiskers, fluffy ears, complimented by black leather and spandex? How do I visualise sexy as all hell? What makes her sexy? Show don't tell.

Code

She slowly grinds to the eerie music, a devilish smile on
her black lips.



You shouldn't give later description after already intro'ing a character. I may have imagined her with red lipstick as I find that sexier... now you've shattered that image with revealing she's wearing black. Thanks. Rewind and start again.

Code

Her eyes beckon, as she sexually removes
her long black robe



'Sexually removes' comes under tell. You're trying to tell us what is happening rather than allowing the actions to reveal it. We get that anything a stripper does will be sexual... you don't need to keep reminding us. We're also back to just a single stage again.

Code

As the music kicks in, her movements mimic the raucous beat.
She throws her head around wildly, tracing circles over her
milk white breasts.

The crowd reacts jubilantly - fists pump in the air, Euros
rain down on the stage.



This is cheese on another level.

Code

GRIGOR
Behold, our newest Romanian import.



Nobody, not even a Romanian would say BEHOLD. They just wouldn't. OK, a MAGICIAN would say it. I'll give you that. Is he a magician? Did he just magic the pint out of thin air? Anything else is just cheese, poorly ripped from a B(minus) Movie.

Code

James turns back to Grigor, eyes wide.



No need for the word 'back' in the above sentence. Usually this means we are using 'turns to' too much. Look for alternatives. Of course though in this case, it's just unnecessary.

Code

As the music kicks in, her movements mimic the raucous beat.
She throws her head around wildly, tracing circles over her
milk white breasts.

The crowd reacts jubilantly - fists pump in the air, Euros
rain down on the stage.

BAR

Grigor returns with a dark, frothy pint.

GRIGOR
Behold, our newest Romanian import.

James turns back to Grigor, eyes wide.

JAMES
Damn, she's so hot, it's almost scary.



The above sequence is extremely difficult to follow. With the way the crowd go up one would believe it was the finale... then you cut to the BAR and James turns to Grigor. What is Anastasiya doing? She still doing the head spinning thing and generating lots of applause and coin? Or what? Also James' line... 'so hot, it's almost scary' is beyond cheese. You could show that just as easy by having him captivated at her head spinning technique, maybe he shoots his load while watching her dance, maybe he masturbates while she's doing it... the point is, show don't tell. That's your job.

Code

RAYNA
You better be scared.
 You get me?



I see now why you kept the last cheesy line. Just so she can say, 'you better be scared'. Well aside from the 'You get me' being completely not in fitting with her character, you'd be far better off approaching this by having Grigor return and notice James' captivation for Anastasiya. Then have Rayna come behind James and catch him in the act. She doesn't need to catch him saying anything, ogling would be plenty.

Code

Grigor watches with a smile.



No, one watches with their eyes. Also who is he smiling at and why? Weirdo.

Code

James stands, reaches out for her hands.
 She accepts.

JAMES
Oops...hi Babe.

They kiss passionately.



Well, that was easy. Considering she just caught him masturbating to another woman in a strip club, I find the above a tad unrealistic.

Code

GRIGOR
I leave you lovebirds alone.



Again, you tell us in dialogue something you could show us. Does he really need to say that? Why would he interrupt their passionate clinch? Isn't there a visual way that you could say this same thing? I'm not going to write it for you.

Code

RAYNA
Eh, I your girl now...we see later,
yes? You get me?



You get me, is a British street colloquialism. Every time you write this it reminds me of a black street thug. Or maybe even a white street thug thinking he sounds tougher using black colloquialisms. It's cool when it fits and it works... it doesn't here. She also sounds like she may be from Thailand all of a sudden. Is there a twist in this and she's actually a ladyboy?

Code

The music stops and the crowd goes wild.



The crowd goes wilder, surely? They were already jubilant and throwing money onto the stage, that's pretty wild. What else could they be doing that's wilder than that? Maybe they're stripping themselves? Ejaculating en masse onto the stage(s)? Show don't tell.

Code

CENTER STAGE

Anastasiya eyes her onlookers with a seductive smile, bows,
curtsies, and disappears back into the fog.



Now she's on centre stage... ah, I see. She disappears into the fog. What has happened to the curtain in all of this? You could also completely drop 'eyes her onlookers' from the sentence.

Code

Anastasiya eyes her onlookers with a seductive smile, bows,
curtsies, and disappears back into the fog.

INT. CLUB CHERVENOTO - BAR - MOMENTS LATER

James and Rayna sit together, a fresh brew in front of each.



Incredibly lazy... a 'moments later'

Code

Anastasiya approaches from behind, her long robe concealing
her feet, making it appear as if she's floating along.



Avoid contractions in action. There also isn't any need for the present participle of float in this sentence. A far more simple, 'Anastasiya, a long robe concealing her feet, glides to their table.' would be much better.

That's all I have for now. I'll get back to the rest of your script at a later date this has been far more taxing than I first anticipated.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: November 2nd, 2013, 5:53am Report to Moderator
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Code

Ashen arms wrap around James from behind.
Anastasiya's black 
lips kiss his ear seductively.



You're doing it again. You've already given us the description of her earlier. Why, oh why, give us further description later in the story? Do we not already know that she has ashen arms and black lips? If we don't then we should. If we do, then there's no need to go over old ground. It's novelistic, as I've found the whole of this script to be so far. Which is shocking from you, considering how quick you are to belittle the efforts of new members, how long you've been doing this and your claim of abhorring mistakes, I am really, really surprised at the poor quality of work on show here.

Code

He recoils, quickly stands.
 Rayna stands as well.

JAMES
What the fuck?

ANASTASIYA
Handsome American man, you are.

RAYNA
Hey!
 He my handsome American man.



Aside from the obvious cheese factor in the above dialogue, the 'Rayna stands as well' is especially messy. Probably be better to give Rayna her own action line. Then she could have a better description of her actions than simply being the same as James'.

Code

Anastasiya reaches over, caresses Rayna's shoulder, pulls
her close and whispers in her ear. As she pulls away, her
tongue lingers inside her ear.



You sloppily mention 'ear' twice in the same action block. I'd suggest simply dropping the first 'in her ear', leaving it at 'whispers' would be just fine.

Code

James watches with a confused look on his face.



Why not, 'James watches, confused'?

Code

ANASTASIYA
It is Romanian custom when first
meeting such beauty. I mean no harm.
(beat)
You forgive?



I highly doubt that it is Romanian custom to stick a tongue down somebody's ear when you first meet them. Nor is it custom to seductively kiss an ear.

Code

Anastasiya turns to James, moves close, whispers in his ear.
James's eyes glaze over, blink several times.



Why didn't she just do that the first time? She's already had one go at his ear, she could have got him then, which would make more sense.

Code

LATER

All three sit together, empty shot glasses in front of each.

JAMES
So...you're seriously a witch?
You got your broomstick out back?



I see why you put a LATER in here. A poor attempt at hiding the fact that Anastasiya revealing she is a witch is totally unrealistic. How did that conversation come about? Why do you feel the incessant need to talk the plot? It's amateurish... that shouldn't be the case with how long you've been doing this. Seems to me that you've just gotten good at repeating things you read on the internet, like a parrot. A parrot can provide a semblance of coherent thought but in reality they're just hollow words, just sounds that the parrot has heard over and over again.

Code

ANASTASIYA
Real witches don't ride broomsticks,
my sweet. I come from long line of
witches. Not what most think.



Aside from the obvious OTN dialogue here, her final line is especially confusing. Does she mean 'not what most think' in regards to her coming from a long line of witches? Do people think she's full of shit in that respect? Or, is she speaking in regards to witches being not what most people think? as it stands it actually reads as though the former is the most likely. I'd suggest adding, 'We're' at the start of the sentence... so, we're not what most think. Even then, it's still shit, but at least it makes sense.

Code

Grigor leans in from behind the bar.

GRIGOR
Damn sexiest witch I ever seen.



If Grigor has been listening to the conversation this whole time then you should have mentioned that earlier. He's also suddenly changed into an American, which happens quite a lot throughout this story.

Code

RAYNA
Witchcraft not like you Americans
think it is.
Rayna looks to Anastasiya, grins.
RAYNA (CONT'D)
Grigor right...damn sexiest witch I
ever seen, too.



This makes no sense whatsoever. I get that she's enthralled (you might want to use that word in the future) but the above dialogue is out of place. You should delete it from the script. It adds nothing, which is something, but still a bunch of nothing.

Code

ANASTASIYA
So you come join me tomorrow night
at Samhain Festival? Not far from
here...maybe...uh...fifty minute
drive? Just outside Pernik.



Why is she asking them if it is a fifty minute drive? How would they know? Why is she unsure? No need for that extra information really... and if there is, it's better to show it.

Code

JAMES
Really?
ANASTASIYA
Really. I show you Samhain, Romanian
style. You come?



Why would he be unsure of anything if he's enthralled? Cut this and just go to them looking at each other in consideration.

Code

James nods as well.
JAMES
We're in, damnit!



Oh my.

Code

As Rayna pulls her hand back, Anastasiya takes hold
of it, licks her black lips with her bright red tongue.



Is she thirsty? Cotton-mouth? Is it suggestive? Maybe she has some food stuck to her lipstick?

Code

Rayna, in the sexiest red devil costume imaginable, drives.



The above style of writing is very childish. I know it's your voice... and that's really funny, but you should either grow up or drop this stuff from your writing. For example, an adult would write it similar to this, 'Rayna, in a provocative devil costume, drives'.

Code

RAYNA
(giggling)
Like what, Baby? You don't want too
share me with Ana? You scared?



Just the one 'o' in to.

Code

RAYNA
And I am as well.
 You get me?



This is one of the worst attempts at individualising a character I've ever seen.

Code

The car speeds along a deserted, fog covered road.



What car? Fog-covered should also be hyphened.

Code

Two MEN emerge from the fog, both wearing black robes, holding
torches in front of them. They motion for the car to stop.
The car stops alongside them.
Rayna rolls down her window.



So not only is it now Rayna's car but it also stops speeding to neatly pull up alongside two hooded figures appearing from the fog.

Code

Rayna hands the piece of paper to him.
He motions forward.
MAN (CONT'D)
Follow torches. Blessed Samhain.



What torches? A minute ago it was just fog, a road and some trees. The only torches are held by the two figures, however it doesn't imply that he means to follow one of them. These torches appear out of nowhere.

Code

James lifts up his machete, pings his finger against the
solid metal blade.



Where the fuck did that come from? Why is he carrying it? What was the point in he going all glaze-eyed and the eye flickering shizzle back in the bar?

I'll be back for the final third later.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: November 2nd, 2013, 7:33am Report to Moderator
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Code

EXT. WOODED PARKING LOT - MOMENTS LATER
Some seventy-five cars are parked in the lot.



We know it's a LOT, as you told us in the slug. Also no need for 'Some' at the beginning of the sentence. Probably better not to give a specific number at all in this instance. Simpler to write, cars pack into every space... or something.

Code

James and Rayna walk hand in hand toward the party.



Why not just show them struggling to find a parking space and then exiting the car together?


Code

Behind them, the cars in the lot vanish one by one, leaving
only a few left.



No need for 'behind them', nor the word 'left' at the end. Bad grammar to have leaving and left in one sentence.

Code

Flames
 shoot up twenty feet into the air.



No need for the word, 'up'.

Code

A live BAND, all in costumes, jams out heavy metal on a
makeshift stage, some two hundred feet from the fire.



What type of makeshift stage? Is it a few clothes thrown on the ground? Made of wood? Maybe you could get inventive (I know, lol) and have it constructed from intertwined tree branches.

Code

James' hockey mask conceals his
 thoughts.



No... it conceals his face.

Code

Rayna starts to dance to the throbbing sounds.



Rayna dances.

Code

They make their way to the bar, which is really just several
tables topped with all the alcohol anyone would ever want.

A somber looking MAN in a black robe presides over the bar.



You should reword the above, it's messy. Sombre-looking should be hyphened.

Code

ANASTASIYA
Blessed Samhain!
The music stops, as if the electricity was cut. The throng
of people are silent...and all eyes fall to James and Rayna.
CROWD
Blessed Samhain!
The music starts back up...right where it stopped and everyone
returns to their partying ways.
James shares a nervous look with Rayna.
JAMES
What the fuck? Uhhh...how'd you do
that?



If it stopped 'as if the electricity was cut', why would he assume Anastasiya was responsible? Weird

Code

ANASTASIYA
Tonight you see what Samhain really
means. Tonight, we dance and we
make love, and tonight The Old One
comes to bless this sacred Sabbat.



Double face palm.


Code

RAYNA
Something not right...



Dialogue straight out of a 1960's Superman comic.

Code

James unsheathes his machete, holds it out in front of him.



He was of course expecting all along that he was being tricked by witches. How will our hero escape this week folks? I also got a chuckle from this as it sounds very much like a euphemism for he pulling out his dick...


Code

JAMES' P.O.V.
Blurry, undulating. The party goers watch closely...and
move forward as one. Their faces and bodies shift and
change...distort into hideous demon-like creatures.
BACK TO SCENE.



Their faces and bodies not only shift and change but they also distort. Wow. They moving forward as one would be a little difficult also.

Code

James swings out with his machete, making contact with the
first creature to reach him, directly in the throat.
Blood flies, and the creature is beheaded.



Fuck me... LOL. So he's drugged, all sorts of shapes going on in front of him... he knows he's on drugs but he believes that these partygoers are now monsters for real, without question and he's now beheading them. Have you played GTA5? This scene reminds me of the spliff-toking missions. Hilarious. Not only that, but he only needs to swing that machete once and the head is gone. Does he work for Al Qa’ida by any chance? If he doesn't... that's a pretty impressive resume, I'm sure.

Code

The Bartender leaps over the tables, grabs James from behind.



Earlier you called those tables a bar, now they're back to tables again. I'd get rid of the bar altogether and make the Bartender a Doorman instead.

Code

James spins, slices his belly open in a torrent of blood.



Fair play. Behead the first one, spin and hit the second, slicing open his belly (abdomen) all while completely drugged out of his mind. This guy sounds like a complete lunatic. Even if the twist at the end is that he's a lunatic, it's still shit as he is only armed with a machete.


Code

The door slams shut with a solid thud behind Anastasiya.



No need for 'with a solid thud' in the above sentence.

Code

GRIGOR
Sometimes eyes don't really see,
yes? You never know who people are.



No need for the last line of dialogue.

Code

GRIGOR
Your seed, James...we want your seed.
You virgin, yes? You kill your love,
Rayna, and then plant your seed in
Anastasiya. Simple, yes?



Exposition. Why talk the plot when you can show us?

Code

She falls to her knees...and transforms into Rayna.



Surprise, surprise.

Code

GRIGOR
Now we have pure virgin who kill his
love. My daughter take your seed
and Horned One will be born again
unto this world.



Yes, yes... we know all that.

Code

ANASTASIYA
I get you hard now, yes? We make
love all night in the Old One's name.
James screams!



Doesn't seem that terrible to me. Losing your virginity isn't that frightening.

All in all I found this story to be overwritten junk. I don't care about a seven day deadline, there isn't any excuse for this level of error. The story is weak, poorly contrived and badly written. I have no other choice but to award this story with a triple face palm.


Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  November 4th, 2013, 8:55am
image blew out page.
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Dreamscale
Posted: November 2nd, 2013, 2:28pm Report to Moderator
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Dustin, thanks so much for all the insanely detailed feedback.  I got a good laugh out of it, and I thank you starting my SAturday out right.

THere are a number of "corrections" you mentioned that are actually correct - a word here, a word there that don't need to be included.  If any of these cost me a line, i'll look into adding.deleting them.

Sounds to me like you're quite the worldy guy, huh?  You've got the accents/dialects/etc. down for 90% of the world, most likely...or, maybe , more likely is that you've never travelled more than 1,000 miles from the hole you call home.

Sorry you had such trouble on the dialogue, but the reality is that characters can speak anyway they want to, and you, or anyone else, really can't say that someone wouldn't say this or that.

As for the cliche and immature comments that you brought up repeatedly, I'm not really sure how to take that, coming from a guy who just wrote a short about trolls and dwarves involved in internet bullying.  You know?

I always appreciate input but when it's so blatantly obvious that you mean to hurt and put down, I'm much less appreciative and/or interested in what you have to say.  But hey, you spent some time doing this, so I hope you enjoyed yourself.

Your comments about me being a parrot are ridiculous and the vast majority of peeps know that 100%.

I've probably seen more movies in the last 2 years than you've seen in your life, so again, your insights into what works and what doesn't, doesn't hold much weight with me, bro.

Finally, let's address the cheese.  Cheese works quite well with horror, when it's done properly.  Is it done properly here?  Not completely, but I'm cool with it.

Thanks again for all the great advice and sage wisdom.  
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DustinBowcot
Posted: November 2nd, 2013, 2:36pm Report to Moderator
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If you can find anything in my review that you'd like to refute then please do so and quote me... everything else is just empty words.
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Dreamscale
Posted: November 2nd, 2013, 3:32pm Report to Moderator
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Dustin, let it go, bro.  It's Saturday here.  I don't have the time or the interest in responding to you anymore.

You're obviously a writing genius.  You've proven that point time and time again in your flawless works.  True genius.

Thanks again for all your help here on my script and all the other writers you do so much for.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: November 2nd, 2013, 3:37pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
Dustin, let it go, bro.  It's Saturday here.  I don't have the time or the interest in responding to you anymore.

You're obviously a writing genius.  You've proven that point time and time again in your flawless works.  True genius.

Thanks again for all your help here on my script and all the other writers you do so much for.


As I've stated... if you can find anything in my review that you'd like to refute, then do so. That's exactly what you do for everyone else, I'm returning the favour. I can quote you from Kevin's thread where you argue that his lack of responses to your review made your points in that review correct by default. I assume it goes the same for you.
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Dreamscale
Posted: November 2nd, 2013, 6:36pm Report to Moderator
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Dustin, my "review" of Kevin's script was a few paragrpahs long, not 3 entire posts where you try and pick apart single words here and there that have no bearing on the script.

You find it ridiculously cliche, cheesy, juvenile, and all around terribly written.  That's cool.  That's great.  You're a Hell of a writer, and that's clear.

There's nothing to refute, as I said, I don't have time or the interest.  Are you OK with that, or is this how you spend your weekends?  Why don't you do something with your kids - I'm sure they miss their Daddy time.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: November 3rd, 2013, 2:25am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
Dustin, my "review" of Kevin's script was a few paragrpahs long, not 3 entire posts where you try and pick apart single words here and there that have no bearing on the script.


Point them out or you are simply lying.


Quoted from Dreamscale
You find it ridiculously cliche, cheesy, juvenile, and all around terribly written.  That's cool.  That's great.  


At least I tell you the truth.



Quoted from Dreamscale
You're a Hell of a writer, and that's clear.


Thanks.


Quoted from Dreamscale
There's nothing to refute.


Thought so.
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: November 3rd, 2013, 2:12pm Report to Moderator
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Good one Jeff!

I thought this was a pretty fun dive away from some of the other stuff you've written.  It looks like you did run out of some room for the story here considering the end, which left me scratching my head some.  Don't know if you're really taking this one too seriously to end it right, but overall I thought this was pretty cool.

I'm surprised you didn't get a little October Rust in there, lol!

Johnny
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jwent6688
Posted: November 4th, 2013, 8:33am Report to Moderator
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Wherever I go, there Jwent.

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Quoted from Dreamscale
I like the settings but didn't care much for the main Protag, James -


Should've used a more generic name, like Jeff.

Good job for an OWC. I, myself a James, could think of worse ways to go. The writing was solid, as expected. I was a tad confused when James started beheading monsters at the festival. I was going to think he killed Rayne right then and there. Waking from his drug induced coma to find her body next to his, but you handled it well enough. Anastayia was a delicious enough character and I'm sure whe was fun to write.

Overall, good job. Had an authentic feel to it like someone who did their reaearch.

James



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dogglebe
Posted: November 4th, 2013, 3:16pm Report to Moderator
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A ten page horror script where the horror doesn't begin until page eight?  This doesn't really work for me.  Eight pages of people bullshitting in a bar, followed by one quick scene of violence, doesn't a horror script make.

I also don't understand why you chose to use Samhain.  It has nothing to do with the story.  Samnhain marks the end of the harvest season; it's a Celtic holiday.  You might as well have called this script Donkey Kong, Romanian Style.  It makes as much sense.

Your characters were two dimensional.  I couldn't describe what any of them would be like outside this story.

Hope this helps.


Phil
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Dreamscale
Posted: November 4th, 2013, 5:45pm Report to Moderator
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I usually post on the whys and hows of my OWC scripts and will here as well...as soon as I can.  I've been busy with work and as the thread shows, busy with some"personal" issues, which I've tried very hard not to take issue with.

But, I do want to respond to my friend Phil's last post just to clear some stuff up for those not in the know, like Phil, it appears.


Quoted from dogglebe
A ten page horror script where the horror doesn't begin until page eight?  This doesn't really work for me.  Eight pages of people bullshitting in a bar, followed by one quick scene of violence, doesn't a horror script make.


Phil, actually, there's about 4 1/2 pages of people bullshitting in a bar, not 8.  I wanted Anastaysia's intro to have some power, and elude to the "horror" that would follow.  Sorry that didn't work for you.


Quoted from dogglebe
I also don't understand why you chose to use Samhain.  It has nothing to do with the story.  Samnhain marks the end of the harvest season; it's a Celtic holiday.  You might as well have called this script Donkey Kong, Romanian Style.  It makes as much sense.


Actually, you're incorrect, and a few other posters were incorrect as well.

Samhain may well originally have been a Celtic Holiday that marked the end of the harvest season,  but in modern times, it's much more than that to Pagans and Witches.

Neopagans and Wiccans celebrate a variation of Samhain as one of the yearly Sabbats of the Wheel of the Year. It is deemed to be the most important of the four "greater Sabbats".  I took some liberty with this particular sect and the reasons for their celebration, but the reality is that unless you happen to hang with these kind of peeps, I don't think anyone really knows what goes on and why.


Quoted from dogglebe
Your characters were two dimensional.  I couldn't describe what any of them would be like outside this story.Phil


This I agree with for the most part.  I happen to like Rayna, but James is pretty flat.  I had to make some cuts...actually alot of cuts, as I just assumed the challenge was 12 pages and didn't realize my mistake until I had the script basically done.

Guilty as charged.

Thanks for chiming in...I didn't know you were reading and commenting on this batch of OWC scripts - maybe you did this as a special favor, just for little old me...or big old me?  LOL...

Take care.  

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dogglebe
Posted: November 4th, 2013, 9:25pm Report to Moderator
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Actually, this is the first OWC script I've read and I'm doing this without looking at who wrote what.


Phil
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Dreamscale
Posted: November 4th, 2013, 9:51pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from dogglebe
Actually, this is the first OWC script I've read and I'm doing this without looking at who wrote what.Phil


Thank you, Phil.

I sincerely hope you're feeling better and are on the mend.

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Eoin
Posted: November 5th, 2013, 4:03am Report to Moderator
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just another ego maniac with low self esteem

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Quoted from Dreamscale

Samhain may well originally have been a Celtic Holiday that marked the end of the harvest season,  but in modern times, it's much more than that to Pagans and Witches.
  


Hey Jeff,

Since I think I was the first to set this train out of the station let me clarify -

As Gaeilge (In Irish) the names of the months of the year are as follows:

January = Eanáir (pron: an-aw-irr)

February = Feabhra (feow-rah)

March = Márta (mawr-thah)

April = Aibreán (ab-rawn)

May = Bealtaine (bahl-theh-neh)

June = Meitheamh (meh-huv)

July = Iúil (oo-il)

August = Lúnasa (loo-nah-sah)

September = Meán Fomhair (mahn foh-ir)

October = Deireadh Fomhair (djeh-reh foh-ir)

November = Samhain (sow (as in cow) -in)

December = Nollaig (null-ig)

Samhain may indeed be utilized as a word by sub cultures or groups to celebrate certain events on their calendar, but it is still a very prominent word in the Gaeltacht (Irish speaking parts of Ireland) and still celebrated as a festival in Ireland.

Just thought I'd clarify what I meant.

Kind regards,

Eoin
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irish eyes
Posted: November 5th, 2013, 8:17am Report to Moderator
January Project Group


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Don't fuck with the Irish Jeff

Mark


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Dreamscale
Posted: November 5th, 2013, 9:02am Report to Moderator
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Thanks, you Irish blokes!  No, I don't want to fuck with the Irish...or the Bulgarians, or even the Romanians.

But, the point is that Samhain has taken on a different meaning and is definitely "celebrated" by neopagans, witches, Wiccans, etc.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: November 5th, 2013, 10:06am Report to Moderator
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Yeah, as much as I'd have liked some extra ammunition to fire... Samhain is celebrated by modern-day Pagans. It's like a witches New Year type of celebration. Not sure if sex would have come into the original celebrations or not. More inclined to be feasting and such. Logical... to survive the winter with excess body fat.
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irish eyes
Posted: November 5th, 2013, 10:15am Report to Moderator
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Don't get us started on Kwanzaa
It all happened in a small bar in Cobh County Cork by an African Irish pagan jew...true story  



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dogglebe
Posted: November 5th, 2013, 12:59pm Report to Moderator
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Samhain a big party with eats and drinks and (in the old days) sacrifices to give thanks to the gods to a good harvest.  This script... is not about that.

At all.

I have friends who celebrate Samhain.  To them, it's like Mardi Gras.


Phil
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Dreamscale
Posted: November 5th, 2013, 1:19pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from dogglebe
Samhain a big party with eats and drinks and (in the old days) sacrifices to give thanks to the gods to a good harvest.  This script... is not about that.

At all.

I have friends who celebrate Samhain.  To them, it's like Mardi Gras.Phil


Phil, as I stated, I took "liberties" with how this certain coven of witches "celebrates" Samhain, and if that doesn't work for you, my apologies.

This is a work of fiction, and last time I checked, that means anything goes.  Not sure why you feel the need to be so steadfast on this topic.

As you'll soon see, when I post my "notes" on how this script came to be, etc, the original draft inlcuded much mor detail and goings on at the actual festival, and it was all partying down and "good times".

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Dreamscale
Posted: November 5th, 2013, 7:21pm Report to Moderator
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Ok, everyone, I first of all want to thank all who read and provided feedback on my OWC entry.  As I always say and mean 100%, any and all feedback, positive or negative, is much appreciated, so thank you.

IMO, this was a great challenge, as it was extremely open ended.  BUT, that also creates problems, and IMO, actually makes for a more challenging OWC in some ways.  You’d think that since we only had several parameters (horror, witches/warlocks, modern times, and 6-10 pages) that each entry would definitely be within those parameters, but of course that was not the case.  I certainly attempted to meet the requirements and was very surprised that some said my entry appeared to be a pisser, while others questioned the horror elements.

Once we received our marching orders, I set out to come up with an entertaining concept.  Nothing really came to me, though, and it wasn’t until Thursday that I decided on the bare bones of my story.  I knew I wanted an American Protag in a foreign country, kind of fish out of water setup, so I started researching potential settings, as well as “modern witchcraft”.

I settled on Bulgaria, and its capital, Sofia, as I liked the “look” of the city and found it had a number of respected universities, where my Protag could be an Exchange Student. I also wanted things to start in a strip club, and I found Sofia had several, and settled on Club Chervenoto, which translates to “The Red”, which I liked.  Sofia is a cool city, as it is set at the base of a mountain, has cool features and unique landscapes.  The city of Pernik is also in Bulgaria.  I chose this because of the cool landscape features (caves, river systems, and giant boulders strewn about) it has…but, due to page length, all of this had to be cut out.

So, the first thing I want to make clear is that the entire script takes place in Bulgaria, not Romania.  The title comes from a line from Romanian Anastasiya, and is also a tongue in cheek play on the old sitcom, “Love, American Style”, which suggests, hopefully, at least, a playful take on the subject matter.

Once I got going and was happy with my settings, characters, and story, things rambled right along nicely, but I made a major mistake in not really “reading” the challenge requirements closely enough.  I “assumed” the page max was 12, as it usually is for these OWC’s.  I ended things up with what I thought would require approximately 20 lines to be cut, but in reality, I had to cut 2 ½ whole pages and a lot was lost because of that, including James’ “character” and personality (including his “virginal” status), the fact that Rayna was also a stripper at the club, a lot of action taking place at the actual Samhain festival, before things go awry, and the ending.

I decided to keep James’ phone conversation with his Dad at the beginning, vs. some dialogue with Grigor about him and Rayna’s situation, and in retrospect, that was probably a mistake, but I wanted it to be clear that James is a “good guy”, who is close with his parents, as well as your nonstandard strip club goer.

I wasn’t thrilled with the final draft, but thought it would definitely work and was solid enough.  As I started reading the other entries, I began to like mine much more, as I was shocked at the quality and complete lack of attention to the parameters of many of the first 20 or so I attempted to read.  As reviews started coming in on mine, I was a little surprised at the disdain and general lack of enjoyment it received.

I’m not going to address all the various questions, complaints, and comments, but I will throw out some comments that may clear a few things up as well as give detail as to why certain things were left in the script, etc.

A lot of peeps had issues with the dialogue and the dialect.  I think both are hit and miss, in that some will like it and some will not, even when it’s well done.  The Eastern European broken English worked for me, but I understand why it didn’t for others.  Rayna was supposed to come off as a goofy babe, and I tried to give her some character with her goofy little sayings of “You get me?”.  James’ dialogue was admittedly rather weak, as was his entire character, but a lot of him got cut out, which was a mistake.

I’m usually guilty as charged In terms of liking and writing chatty scripts, and this one does contain a bunch up front.  When writing chatty scenes, I always try and make sure it’s not a static scene, and that things of a visual nature are taking place while the chit chat takes place.  For me, a Bulgarian strip club provides some nice visuals.  This is also where Anastasiya’s intro takes place and watching a scary sexy Romanian babe strip to “Black #1” will work every time – if you’re not familiar with the song, check it out on youtube, as it’s quite scary and cool.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vFwYJYl5GUQ

Other peeps took issue with James bringing a “real” machete to the party.  I’m not sure why this even came up, as no one would have known if he hadn’t had to use it.  And, I’d imagine that buying a real machete in Bulgaria would be easier than buying a fake one.  There was also some dialogue between James and Rayna that got cut about this.

The Samhain festival has been discussed in earlier posts, but I do want to make it clear the finished version here had a lot cut from it.  The “disappearing cars” from the lot remained, by my oversight, and originally, the festival goers also disappeared for the most part, as in, it wasn’t what it appeared to be.

When James and Rayna drink the “potion”, the intent was that it altered their reality and not that everyone turned into creatures.  A few lines were cut here and what remained definitely was unclear.

As to the over the top, cheese of a guy slicing and dicing a head, an arm, and a leg, all I can say is that the intent was a fun take on horror, while still keeping things semi-real and dark overall.  IMO, horror is usually overly gory and involves acts that wouldn’t and physically couldn’t really take place in real life.  In fact, I think you can watch just about any action/adventure/horror movie and see uncountable acts by characters that would never be reality. It’s the movies, peeps…c’mon now!

The end was rushed and condensed and I agree it didn’t play out the way I had envisioned it.  The dialogue especially was too on the nose and full of exposition, hoping to fill in for all the missing action I had to cut out.  I actually still really like the very end and the image of Ana going to James with the “gelatinous substance”, but her dialogue kind of killed the effect, I think.  I actually like the part about, “I get you hard now, yes?”  But, the next line could probably be cut.  Originally, there was a comment from her to the point of, “You big boy, yes?  Looks like Rayna missed out“…or something to that affect.

So, there you have it. It is what it is, and I’m sorry so many were disappointed or downright furious with what they read.  You can never please ‘em all, but damnit, I’ll always try!

Thanks for reading and if anyone wants more info on the feedback I provided on their script, just send me a PM.
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Pale Yellow
Posted: November 5th, 2013, 7:37pm Report to Moderator
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Been to many a Samhain celebration ...I've seen it done many ways over the years.
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KevinLenihan
Posted: November 5th, 2013, 7:45pm Report to Moderator
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I had no idea who wrote when I reviewed...my review probably reflects the fact that the Patriots had just lost on a bullshyte call to the Jets in overtime, so I was not very patient. I apologize for that.
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Pale Yellow
Posted: November 5th, 2013, 7:56pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from KevinLenihan
I had no idea who wrote when I reviewed...my review probably reflects the fact that the Patriots had just lost on a bullshyte call to the Jets in overtime, so I was not very patient. I apologize for that.


KEV...when you gonna pick my picks for this week's pool? Did you get the spread man?
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Last Fountain
Posted: November 5th, 2013, 9:36pm Report to Moderator
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Posting this review before reading other posts.

Okay, so seductive dancers. I'm thinkin this is the Titty Twister and I'm expecting Salma Hayek with a snake. So needless to say this reminded me of FROM DUSK TIL DAWN... meets HOSTEL. I like those, so it's not a diss. Haha.

I liked that you included some hitorical references like Sabbat and the Old One. Shows you did homework and you care about making the world based on some sort of reality. I don't know if I buy the guy as a virgin at that age. And if so wouldn't he be, uh, overly excited to see the dancers.

I found this exciting,  but it didn't fully deliver. I guess I was expecting more action like DUSK. Maybe he could fight his way out or something. Or fight until subdued.  Maybe the potion could have other effects. This is horror, so why not go all out. Throw in a demonic hallucination, maybe even linking to his virginity.

The ending was dark and poetic. Exciting horror fun. Could have delivered more. And great title!


SLIP/THROUGH - scifi noir (feature)
HOLY 3D CHRISTMAS! - fantasy (shorf)

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Guest
Posted: November 5th, 2013, 9:50pm Report to Moderator
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Don't sweat it, Jeff.  I never once thought of it as a pisser, but I'll be honest and say I didn't read the entire thing.  Just wasn't my cup of tea.
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Dreamscale
Posted: November 5th, 2013, 10:07pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Guest
Don't sweat it, Jeff.  I never once thought of it as a pisser, but I'll be honest and say I didn't read the entire thing.  Just wasn't my cup of tea.


Reap, read the entire thing now, then, Damnit!  Really?

Thanks for the late comments guys and gals.  I do appreciate all comments.  I honestly do.  Thank you.

Kev, I may have reviewed yours after another Rams debacle, so I definitely understand.  Your Red Sox won the Series, your Pats are looking quite good even with the problems they have, but your Celts...oh boy...kind of like my Lake Show.  LOL!

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KevinLenihan
Posted: November 6th, 2013, 8:26am Report to Moderator
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Celts are right on schedule! All we want is the lottery pick! Lakers better trade Kobi so they can make sure they're in the lottery...though not sure who wants Kobi right now.
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RayW
Posted: November 6th, 2013, 9:40am Report to Moderator
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Looks fine to me, Jeff.

I took off my producer's hat (and put away the checkbook) and just read it as a story for someone with deeper pockets than I to film.

Saw it all just fine.
Good story.
Looks like an opener to a feature. Queue the U.S. private eye w/ local law enforcement attache duo to begin investigating the death of the privileged Yankee.
Easy.

Don't sweat any nitpicks on dialog or action.
Director and actors are gonna ad lib a lot of those, within story parameters, on the set.
Same with actions.
And I think James getting away with a real machete is plenty fine.
The hacking off and into anyone is all going to depend upon the budget and practical + digital SFX  capabilities of the director/producer, so, as is, it's fine.
Basically these details of "this arm" and "that shoulder" are placeholders for where action of that nature should occur.
It's all good.

The only beef I do have is a personal preference one: I just like my "horror" films to be horror from page one, two on a pinch, especially for a short.

What I've learned from this OCT OWC are the three main types of stories:
#1. The punchline - 4/5 set up followed by 1/5 horror. By far the most common submission.
#2. The spike/punchline - Opening enthralling scene, followed by above punchline setup.
#3. The meat&taters - Horror from page one til finish. My preference.

This was a #1 "punchline" horror.
Pages one thru seven are all spooky drama setup followed by pages eight thru ten of the BOO! AGH! horror punchline.

Lotta those.

It's still a fine story, though.



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Dreamscale
Posted: November 6th, 2013, 10:03am Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Ray.  I'm glad you gave it a look, as I was bummed when I first saw all your speadsheet stuff, mine was basically blank.

Appreciate the feedback, bro!
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Forgive
Posted: November 6th, 2013, 6:19pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Jeff - I've seen a couple of times you saying that people thought your script was 'a pisser', and you didn't seem to happy with it - and saying I thought it was a pisser was pretty much the only comment I made on it. No offence intended.

It wasn't my cup of tea - but then the one with the fire and the child you wrote some time back was. Just can't win then all. And anyway - you called mine 'god awful'. painful, man.
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Dreamscale
Posted: November 6th, 2013, 6:54pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Forgive
Hey Jeff - I've seen a couple of times you saying that people thought your script was 'a pisser', and you didn't seem to happy with it - and saying I thought it was a pisser was pretty much the only comment I made on it. No offence intended.

It wasn't my cup of tea - but then the one with the fire and the child you wrote some time back was. Just can't win then all. And anyway - you called mine 'god awful'. painful, man.


Hey Simon, thanks for jumping in.

No, I don't think anyone would be happy when someone thinks they've written a pisser, when in fact they didn't and damnit, I take pride in my pissers when I write one!!!  

We definitely cannot win them all.

Sorry I was not more positive on your script - which one was it?  I'll give it another look.

Take care.

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RayW
Posted: November 6th, 2013, 7:19pm Report to Moderator
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We need to do an April fools day-week pisser OWC.



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Dreamscale
Posted: November 6th, 2013, 8:15pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from RayW
We need to do an April fools day-week pisser OWC.


I'm 100% behind that idea!!!

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Last Fountain
Posted: November 6th, 2013, 9:07pm Report to Moderator
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What about another holiday, like Christmas Evil.


SLIP/THROUGH - scifi noir (feature)
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RayW
Posted: November 6th, 2013, 9:20pm Report to Moderator
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What's "Christmas Evil?"



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DustinBowcot
Posted: November 7th, 2013, 12:20pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from RayW
What's "Christmas Evil?"


I could think of something.
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Last Fountain
Posted: November 7th, 2013, 10:07pm Report to Moderator
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Uh... Christmas Eve as a horror.. just a joke for a possible OWC. I'm down for another challenge, for sure.


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HOLY 3D CHRISTMAS! - fantasy (shorf)

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DustinBowcot
Posted: November 8th, 2013, 1:53am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Last Fountain
just a joke for a possible OWC.


Ah... eve/evil. That would make a great title.
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stevie
Posted: November 8th, 2013, 2:59am Report to Moderator
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The word is pisstake. I should know as I introduced it to you Seppos, lol.

A pisser is a place where you have a piss - like, say, the middle of the Seahags ground, or Foxboro or anywhere in downtown Phoenix.



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DustinBowcot
Posted: November 8th, 2013, 3:11am Report to Moderator
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A piss-take, where I'm from, means something or someone that is taking the piss. To call this script a piss-take would mean that Dreamscale is offending us just by posting it. Or it could also be for comedy reasons. A piss-take is often used to refer to people mimicking others in a comical way.

A pisser can be someone that pisses, an actual toilet (usually located in a pub)... or a disappointing circumstance, which is what I think is being referred to here.
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RJ
Posted: November 24th, 2013, 7:36pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Jeff,

as I said - I'd get to this.

While this was an interesting story, it didn't really feel that much like a horror.

Have to say that I liked the last half better than the first half. There was just something more to the story that pulled me when they got to the party.

I agree with Pia about the foreign remark - think it would fit better if stated Bulgarian in the NOTE. I also agree with others on James and his actions - with you describing him as a linebacker and then going into the strip club, but being a virgin in the end - didn't really work. If he was more of a rigid, geeky type and Rayna was taking him into the club, then that might have worked - he needed to act a little put off/fish out of water type thing. I think that would have also helped with his outfit choice with the machete for the party.

I liked Anastasiya and her eeriness - she was my fav character in this.

All in all - you know this was a solid entry, I liked the dialogue - didn't have a problem with it, and it was an easy read.

Renee

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Dreamscale
Posted: November 25th, 2013, 12:53pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for reading, Renee.

I actually gave a bunch of details on some things you touched upon in an earlier post.

One thing I will reply to is your comment about James. A bunch of peeps said similar things, but the truth is that I described him as being "built like a linebacker", meaning, he's big and in good shape.  JUst because someone is a virgin in their early 20's doesn't mean they're a geek or nerd.  Nor does it mean they don't enjoy sex (other than intercourse) or looking at beautiful babes.  It simply means they're holding out for hopefully "the right one".

Thanks again!
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