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Mountain hexer


Hello.

You pass the point to be serious within the stated genre.

The squirrel steals his balls. That's a bit funny. But you lost the contact to Horror by making jokes and try letting your main characters act funny.

Refreshing not to see any witch at all in the script. There's just the hint at the end that she might really exist.

To be honest about the general script. Ahmmm, does not work in my eyes. Not at all...

Hey?

Thanks for the break in all this reading. Never read this many scripts in this short a time before. But yours, my friend, was hilarious!

Fifth poodle! Haha! Awesome.

Steve

As said previous, there's something very strange going on with the margins and spacing in here. And the typos are numerous.
That said it was pretty funny in parts and somewhat a breath of fresh air.

Another screenplay with a blatant error in the first line: "path..The trees". May not seem like a big deal but it makes people think the rest of your work is probably riddled with issues.

This dialog: "Well, lookee there." Should either come after his gesture or at least have a pause before the last thing he says.

Random extra space between some character's name and dialog. You didn't notice?

So...funny thing about the nuts but the tone is making me think there is no horror here.

THR END??? -- Okay, this has to be a pisser.

So the truck is the last straw  

Lonnie seemed kinda calm for someone who just lost their “twig and berries”, but I can tell this is nowhere close to serious (I hope). So what can I say? This was some goofy fun and I took it as such. Nowhere near horror for me, but it was a short and fast read.

Congrats!

Weighted Matrix: https://docs.google.com/spread.....TTUE&usp=sharing

Producer's Notes: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NNGaVlrrpkjIfp-BRGjpTE03W1e5lZuRceJ3wQECYaI/edit?usp=sharing

28. Mountain Hexer by Twenty - Horror - Two young men confront an evil moutain witch, but cannot possibly comprehend the horror they're about to confront.
Brief - Two hillbillies attempt to confront a mountain witch and somewhat prevail.

Location(s)  - Mountain, pick up truck interior, cabin
Cast - 2
Protagonist(s)  -  
LONNIE, 20, a skinny guy
BRYAR, 30s, who angrily grips a shotgun
Antagonist(s)  - none on screen
Genre & Marketability - Supernatural Horror Comedy. This isn't a modern witch story = fail, even though it's quite amusing!
Comments  -  Don't ever change the font on your title page to anything other than 12pt Courier. FWIW, I don't care, but a lotta folks take issue with -ly ending words, such as "nervously" and "angrily" so do a cake walk around them and -ing words, too. Are you screwing around with your margins? Those dialog margins look mighty wide. Hmm... Pg... WhereTH did your page numbers go? WTH are you doing? Whatever. Pg3:"Two squirrels scurry out from the tree, snatch the nuts and run up the tree." How much do you think that'll cost to shoot on camera? CGI? How much do you think CGI-ing two nut snatching squirrels is going to cost? Let me, as producer, deduct that cost from your pay, as screenwriter. "bravely" Hmm... "An owl screeches down from the tree, snatches it and disappears into the branches." Keep that up and you'll be paying me to take your screenplay! "A moment later, the pickup explodes in flames. " Okay, you're screenplay is officially DQed at this point, but you're amusing me so I'll keep reading. Done. Cute. I ain't shooting it unless you don't mind me making it look real extra cheezy - like Ed Wood cheezy. Also, FWIW, this is both the best use of two characters and essentially a single location I've seen in this challenge and the most entertaining story.
Script format - Download Celtx 2.9.1, free, and quit dickin around with whatever you're using.
http://download.cnet.com/Celtx/3000-13631_4-10850080.html
Final word - Horror, but not modern witchcraft. With a little care to budgeting this could be rewritten to a much more affordable to produce screenplay.

$3,000 - 5,000      Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/ 5               Screenplay Pages
= $500 - 1,000     Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Modern Witches and/or Warlocks - Nope
Horror - Yep

Thanks for all the reads on this one.  I honestly thought mine was going to be one of quite a few pissers.  Oops, pisstakes(thanks, Stevie).  Turns out it was about the only one, I think.  

Out of all the reviews, RayW's probably surprised me the most:   "Also, FWIW, this is both the best use of two characters and essentially a single location I've seen in this challenge and the most entertaining story."  Gracias Ray, wherever you are.

I think this was without question, the funniest d@mn thing I've read in probably over a year.

Very nice character creation.

You could/should consider developing a "F#cked-Up Adventures of Lonnie & Bryar" series.


WTH was going on with your submission format?
I know you know better.
Just trying to thow off the smarty-pants Jr. Holmes' around here?
Wrote it on an iPhone? )

My favorite line:

LONNIE
My nuts! Damn squirrels got my nuts!

Funy stuff, good pisser.

Quoted from RayW I think this was without question, the funniest d@mn thing I've read in probably over a year. Very nice character creation. You could/should consider developing a "F#cked-Up Adventures of Lonnie & Bryar" series. WTH was going on with your submission format? I know you know better. Just trying to thow off the smarty-pants Jr. Holmes' around here? Wrote it on an iPhone? )

Yeah, Ray, I use Final Draft, but I really wanted to throw people off the trail.  Folks around here are very, very good at spotting regulars during OWCs.  So, I wrote this on Word.  Calling it a rush job would be kind.  It was Friday afternoon and I had an hour, so I spent about twenty minutes cobbling together elements of the story, then I had about 40 minutes to write.  Adjusted the margins as I went along.  I did notice quite a few typos as I wrote, but I kept them in cuz I thought it would work as yet another red herring.  Ain't got time for no page numbers!  Then I had to worry about Don accepting it, because I know he dq'd five or six scripts because they didn't fit the parameters.  Guess this was just horror enough?  Marginally?  

Yeah, maybe I'll revisit Lonnie and Bryar somewhere down the road and see where life has taken them.  Did Lonnie get his tube 'n goobers back?  Did the witch reimburse him for the truck?  Why a fifth poodle?  Why not some other breed?  I know people are on the edges of their collective seats.  Well, they'll just have to wait.

Quoted from Ryan1 Ain't got time for no page numbers!

LMAO!



Keep these two characters.
They're good.
I love how the sins of one result in the punishment of the hapless other. Great stuff.

Good stuff, Ryan.

A nice light-hearted read. Enjoyed the two rednecks and their banter. Was expecting something a bit more drastic to happen once Bryar entered that cabin, but I enjoyed the way you closed it.

Nice job sneaking one past Don. I'll bet nobody pegged you for writing this one.

James

My first OWC script and I get a pisstake.  FML.

As a comedy, it was pretty decent.  Laughable lines covering a variety of topics.  Two wacky characters.  A redneck loses his dick.  What's not to love?

As the horror goes, it just wasn't there.


Phil

A fun little pisser. Plenty of talent on display with the dialogue.

And Obamacare doesn't cover witchcraft induced injuries?! How dare...

Never heard it called twig and berries. Or 3 inch skinner.

Not much else to say, except thanks for the fun entry, sorry I missed it during the OWC.

Quoted from jwent6688 Good stuff, Ryan. A nice light-hearted read. Enjoyed the two rednecks and their banter. Was expecting something a bit more drastic to happen once Bryar entered that cabin, but I enjoyed the way you closed it. Nice job sneaking one past Don. I'll bet nobody pegged you for writing this one. James

J, glad you liked it, for what it was.  Haven't seen you around here lately.  I was hoping you entered one yourself, but I know you got your hands full with the feature.  Let me know how that's going.

R