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Once you look past all the things that are wrong with the script, there's a nice premise hiding there.
Sure, telling me when the credits are rolling isn't necessary. And all the camera directions are distracting. And the quotes around the dialogue are funny.
::SPOILERS:: But to have a story where a couple moves to a new town, only to get jury duty right away, meet a group of crazy women, and feel pressured to go along with their craziness? That's a frightening situation. ::END::
The writer has an eye for a scary story, they just need to lean how to write it effectively.
Rolling credits leaves a poor impression on the reader, no need for it at all, even in pro scripts, you hardly see this.
You used road twice in the first sentence, doesn't read well, especially when we already know we're on a road from the slug. And talking about that, it's too broad and I'd suggest narrowing it down to a specific road - eg, suburban or countryside, or in your case forested but that doesn't read too well.
Why is their dialogue in quote boxes?
I'm going to skim the read from here on and try and ignore any mistakes.
Well, the story needs work, as well as the writing. Not sure if this all made sense. Matt seems to introed but just disappears later on, his character doesn't add much to the story. Make your you round off your plot, it's a mistake a lot of new writers make. You can't end a script with the main character just dying, there has to be some kind of real conclusion, some kind of achievement.
I would normally advise against telling the reader what the script is meant to be, but I can understand as you may predict this would be disqualified?
Logline - not so much a logline, but it does say what's I going to do I suppose
Rolling credits - not normally for a spec script No need to " " the dialogue unless it's a quote Better to have the first verbs in the present simple tense - think that's what it is called - so a car drives, rather than is driving Best avoid camera directions like pan, close up, cut to etc Boxes - now the couple is moving in space want to know this ASAP so we are with them, rather than thinking something else. So I would have used removal boxes to make the point Another example, Christine looks out the window! rather than looking. It flows better.
I like the conflict with the jury, has an ominous sense to it
Not sure the judge would ask a witness to state their case! I like the idea, the potential for tension but the way the scene is playing out is rather unbeleiveable if set in the present day
Actually I quite like the end even if the writing is a little heavy.
Finished
I get this feeling you are reasonably new to script wiring just from the phraseology and formatting.
I hint this has potential but it's not reached. For example, Christine could have done soemthing on Adrian, like walk past a church on a. Sunday, which is noticed, and then becomes a matter of debate as to whether she is a devil worshiper etc ie tie in previous details to ad debate and tension.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
"INT. FAMILY ROOM - LATER It’s now nighttime, and Christine and Matthew are sitting on the floor next to boxes, eating ordered out pizza. "
Night time should be in the slug.
I'm finding this to be poorly written so far. Maybe you are in a transitional period and haven't quite found how to project your voice through the screenplay style yet... but I'm not feeling it. You're listing things that are happening rather than writing.
OK, you've hooked me on the letter concerning jury duty. Good job, as I was about to bail.
"INT. COURTROOM - NEXT The courtroom is nearly empty except for a woman sitting in a chair and a few townspeople sitting in the pews. "
Is nearly empty aside from all those people, huh?
Learn how to write around the word 'begins'. It's littered throughout this script.
The story seems childishly contrived. Either written by a youngster or an adult with a childish way of writing. Not really for me.
Uh-oh! Fade in is on the right... I'm bailing! Nah, just kidding - I'm not that harsh.
Rolling credits? You don't need this. And I see some camera directions lurking around - best to avoid them.
Try not to repeat the slugs in the action, it's repetitive and will tighten up your action.
Okay, numerous issues in the writing on the first page so I'll just concentrate on the story.
Nice set-up with the family.
Jury duty?
There is lots of unnecessary scenes and CUT TO's - this could have probably been cut down to 5/6 pages when a lot of the fluff is taken out.
The Judge seem so pleased to see Christine, like they are old buddies.
Just a side note - 5 pages in and no mention of a witch or horror, not a good sign at the halfway point of the story.
Finally! A witch and the trial is beginning. I would try to get to this part of the story earlier.
Doesn't seem like a lot of evidence to accuse someone of being a witch - she was seen running from the woods and some crows just happened to be flying overhead. I'm not buying it. Also, I take it the town hate witches, but the courtroom is empty? Maybe a work day, I think it would better if the courtroom was filled with angry townsfolk and yes, maybe a few pitchforks!
So the bailiffs just literally shake Minny? Seems odd. Aren't they scared of this said witch.
I do like how you've thrown Christine into the middle of this event as I can imagine it being quite scary for her.
It felt like Christine's decision was rushed, and I didn't care for how it was handled. I know she panicked but I felt she changed her position almost too easily. Also, the rest of the juror's didn't even blink when she changed her mind, they accused her of being a witch just a second before but that's forgotten instantly.
A weak ending, IMO - I was expecting Christine to be involved somehow, maybe she was actually a witch and helped Minny escape. It all just to seem to happen so fast at the end and you have to wonder why Minny didn't escape before? She is obviously one powerful witch, maybe she wanted to be proven innocent but there was never any likelihood of that - a bit baffling to me.
Christine's hubby or the fact that she was pregnant didn't add anything to story - she could have been a foreign exchange student and the ending would have played out the same. I guess it adds more layers to the character, but she was such a passive character in the end that it was hard to get behind her.
You scraped in some horror and a witch in the last few pages but the first five was a waste and didn't add much to the story so this could be the area you work on - add a creepy atmosphere as Christine enters town and try to somehow involve Matt (if you keep him in the story) in the ending. Maybe if Christine decides to be strong and vote not guilty then the Jurors could bring in Matt as a threat to Christine or just because they seem mentally unstable - either way. Just throwing out ideas, really.
I'm afraid the writing isn't the best (possibly a new writer) and this could do with a good tidy up.
Nice effort though and congrats on completing the OWC.
Why in the world would you put dialog in quotes? I'm going to sound rude here but I have to ask...have you ever "seen" a screenplay? If you have I can't imagine it had quotes around the dialog because in the 10+ years I've been reading them, I've never seen that before. Why am I harping on this? Because if you want us to take our time to read your story, you should take the time to format it correctly.
Toooooooooo many "CUT TO'S". Toooooooo many camera directions. Writing needs to be smoother---that part takes practice. The other things just need to stop immediately.
This honestly felt like you grabbed a story from an old Salem trial and just stuck it in a modern courtroom. Nothing about it felt modern, believable, natural. Make us connect to your main character so we care what they're going through.
Thanks to all critiquers. I do appreciate the suggestions and am learning from all suggestions. I could have spent more time on this, and when I learned screenwriting, it was a high school english project and he told us to use quotes, so all these years I learned it wrong. Now I wish to rewrite this with all the corrections. Im not used to a 10 page limit, so that was a struggle. Well, hopefully i'll do better on the next challenge. This idea sprang from reading The Crucible and was not toyed with enough by me. Next time, my friends... Thanks fortaking the time to read and see past my many errors.
Thanks to all critiquers. I do appreciate the suggestions and am learning from all suggestions. I could have spent more time on this, and when I learned screenwriting, it was a high school english project and he told us to use quotes, so all these years I learned it wrong. Now I wish to rewrite this with all the corrections. Im not used to a 10 page limit, so that was a struggle. Well, hopefully i'll do better on the next challenge. This idea sprang from reading The Crucible and was not toyed with enough by me. Next time, my friends... Thanks fortaking the time to read and see past my many errors. Oh, and I like the idea of her being in it with Minny. Should have thought of that!
- Issues right off the bat. You basically say a car is driving two sentences in a row. The camera shots are unnecessary (implied by the very mention that a car is driving and the fact that this is a screenplay) and suggest amateur writing especially when they appear right out the gate.
You also say "the car is driving" instead of "the car drives." Passive voice slows down your script and just feels weak and inactive. Try to write in an active voice as much as possible. Some might think this isn't as big a deal as other screenwriting faux pas but I think it's so easy to do and enhances the quality of your writing by a considerable amount.
Finally, you don't need a CLOSE UP. Just say there's an ENTERING SALEM sign in the regular format. On the same page not that further down is an unnecessary PAN. Please try to avoid this stuff.
The first paragraph, not to mention line of your screenplay, are extremely important. They give a sense of what's to come as far as the reader's experience. Try to make a good impression.
- Quotes around dialogue. First I've ever seen this. Don't do it. No reason for it.
pg. 2 - "It's night time now." - Just say it's NIGHT in your slug instead of LATER. That's what slugs are for. Only use LATER if it's the same time of day.
- Also, this is a short with a very precise page limit. You don't have time for a montage. Pg. 2 is a huge waste of space. That said, the montage itself wouldn't be as off-putting in a feature.
- pg. 3 - Why would they have this discussion if indeed the trial isn't until October?
- I had jury duty in February. None of this feels realistic thus far. For one thing, there's a screening process for juror's. You're not selected automatically.
- pg. 5 - You just said this judge is ice cold. Why is he so jovial with Christine? Does he know her from somewhere? I see someone else brought this up already but it's strange enough to merit a second mention.
- Indeed. Very cursory proceedings we seem to have here to say the least. Feels extremely rushed and cartoonish.
- And now they're deciding a verdict. Seems like Christine has next to nothing to really go on.
pg. 8 - These huge blocks of action are an eye sore. Try to keep your paragraphs to four sentences/lines MAX. Five, only if it's absolutely positively necessary.
Even then, you should try to break up your paragraphs as much as possible. I suggest doing so by ideas communicated and not the number of sentences. So if someone comes into a room and flicks on a light, that's one idea. Start a new paragraph. You're not writing scholarly essays here.
- So, Minny was a witch all along? Seems strange to me that she'd sit tight and cry and all when her powers extended to dispatching a whole town in one fell swoop.
Also the ending feels sort of abrupt. I think if you'd started with the trial and not spent so much time setting up the couple the way you did, you might've had some breathing room. You'd also probably be able to develop Christine in a more meaningful way. Her characterization is sparse and the whole spiel with her and her husband being town newbies is cliche and better suited for feature writing.
Overall, this was a fairly standard amateur script with many of the typical problems that come up the first time around. This is fine. We all have to start somewhere. It makes for a drag to read and I did repeat myself a lot in my review but some scripts are poorly written in a way that has me pulling my hair out and wanting to shake the writer. This was not one of them.
This is also the first script I've encountered so far that feels like genuine horror, at least towards the end. The concept is very conventional and the execution isn't much different except being a short, it's extremely cursory, and your trial was a total kangaroo court. Still, the idea is perfectly fair game. I would've liked to have read something more inspired but that's just me and an old fashioned witch trial that hits all the stops might be welcomed by some readers.
Anyway, I'd pay close attention to the reviews here and see if I couldn't apply some of their advice. I think you'll be on your way to improving in due time.
Thanks, a bunch, for taking the time to criticize constructively. Starting right in the trial would have been an effective angle to go with this premise. Thanks for noting the horror element, as I wanted to do a twist similar to that of Carrie in where an unsuspected chaos unleashes. I do admit the newbie cliche is a little unneeded, but I wanted to develop Christine in a way where she doesn't know the town and feels inferior at the start. The jury dury was meant to be unorthodox, as this community has their own jurisdiction. The trial was rushed and that time could have been made during the fluff in the middle. I left out the Voir Dire because 1) time and 2) the community had selected her because she was new and in a way, they were testing her out...
Don't forget, if you can, to read and review others. That's what SS is about and the more we take part the more we learn. Don't worry if you feel new etc, if like something or don't like something just say and do your best to explain.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
No comments read before. Non-native speaker – take it or leave it.
The trial
Hello.
Hey, some modern witchcraft-moves like in "Exorcist" at the end. I enjoy horror when it's about an empty house. 1000 times done before, but still good. An empty house has no soul, no life within. It gives us an unsecure view on the characters.
Maybe no good choice to leave this place. The audience could like to see-The horror in the house. Yes it's always the same, but they love the horror in the house.
At first, I didn't know if I like the fast cuts. In the house; ride to the council. But I do like them, well done. Fits to the rhythm because of the long sequence in the end.
You don't have to say: 3 MONTH LATER when you got the opportunity to show the house has changed etc. in that time.
Characters: Christine's overall interactions, reactions inside the jury, and the whole key sequence are implausible. Try to work on inner outer conflict, relationships…
Reminds me of a produced film, where a family is moving to a witch- town. That movie was s….
Your work seems to be more like an exposition of a feature to me, than it does look like a short. Try a feature if you like, which is better than that film (no time to research) I talked about.
The twist line was funny. I laughed and didn't see it coming so directly. Solid story in my eyes. Don't like the title.
Thank you Prussianmoby. The name was too quickly decided. Maybe 'The Twelth Juror', or something. I didnt think of this a short and that was my demise. It had a much more feature length longing and did not sit well as a short. If I redid it, I would start the short with Minny running in the woods and going right into the trial. Maybe a bizzare group of accusers to set up a disbelief that Minny was a witch. And maybe Christine ending up living through the havoc and Minny burning the church down.
Really? You think Minny and Christine are too similar of names?
And adding some spookiness to the house was too cliche for me and it would set the readers to know Minny was a witch beforehand. I should've toyed with Christine being one too. Next time...
Looks like it was written by a newbie to screenwriting. Lots of newbie mistakes. It also looks like some people have given you extensive comments so I will assume that a lot of the mistakes have been covered.
The story itself didn't exactly rock me. It takes too long, IMHO, for us to get to the trial which this story is supposed to be about. The first four pages are Christine and Matt driving and moving into a house. Once the trial starts, we never see or hear from Matt again. In other words, sort of wasted pages with him in the beginning. I thought he was going to be a main character. The trial was ho hum to me. Maybe Christine should've been the one on trial instead? Maybe since she's new in town, she's the one accused of witchcraft?
I see you already outed yourself as the writer. Kinda spoils the fun, you know.
I was confused by this one. The set-up doesn't gel with the rest. They whole doesn't feel connected.
Once the couple gets the mysterious letter why not show them reading it. Or arguing about it. I think the trial would work better if we knew our main character better. When she arrives at court I wondered if she stepped through time into the past. I was asking myself if she was related to the juror from the past? Was time repeating itself, trying to correct a mistake? Is she punished for a relative getting it all wrong? Yeah, confused. Maybe explore some of these ideas. Or explain a bit more before the trial.
I guess my issue is you took the challenge too literally and basically had a modern woman experience old witchcraft. It's like you showed us the old ways but didn't out a spin on it. Maybe I missed the mark on this one. But you had some intriguing ideas leading up to the trial.
You should limit your camera directions and you don’t need quotes around dialogue. Three weeks later needs to be Superimposed as well.
This would have to be a very odd jury duty process and I think that oddness could be played up compared to what happens here. I don’t think you need to build up from the house. Focus more on the trial and the absurdities inherent in it. Let that build up. In theory, the entire piece could take place in the courtroom.
Unfortunately this sort of missed for me. I liked the basic concept of a witchcraft charge being played straight in a modern court system, but it didn’t feel followed-through on.
30. The Trial by Anonymous - Horror - A modern day presentation of another Salem Witch Trial. Brief -
Location(s) - Road, house exterior & interior, courthouse Cast - Protagonist(s) - MATTHEW SATTER, 34, tall, skinny, and clean cut CHRISTINE SATTER, 32, shorter, with long brown hair Genre & Marketability - Comments - Turn off your screenwriting program's mores and continued's feature. Opening sequence "CLOSE UP: SIGN THAT SAYS "ENTERING SALEM"." As producer I'm deducting the cost of that sign from your pay as screenwriter. You don't need a dash between the character's introductory age and description. Boring first page. Cut the "CUT TO:s". Riveting second page. That courthouse scene just detonated the budget halfway through the screenplay, which isn't very interesting so far, BTW. Ciao. Script format - Needs work Final word - Too expensive. Too boring. Pass.
Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range / Screenplay Pages = $ Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute
Adherence to Given Criteria: Modern Witches and/or Warlocks - Horror -
I hoped you felt not ignored, because I didn't answered you till yet. I had just too many scripts to read and also, in my view, the discussion has to start after the challenge. I didn't want to get bogged down in single treads, too.
Yes, your new title is much better, but title isn't as important until your work is ready IMO.
Yes, Minny and Christine sounds similar to me: They feel soft in the same way. Maybe it's because of the e,i,Y,n's. Imagine Minny and CHRISTINA. There must be a science about that; humanity has science for everything, right? I'm the wrong counterpart for that Enough small talk, now.
I'm a bit confused about that you seem to justify yourself about what you have done, too passive at all. It's not necessary. From my sight I saw you're not so far now and all that, but you definitely have a big potential in storytelling. You got especially a rhythm, you trust your audience, you even did something unpredictable with lines like: "Minny Hawkins. You have be accused of bewitching and other witchery. How do you plea?" Coming so directly and unpredictable is a part of screenwriting to me, storytelling. And these fragments alone pushed you to a consider for me. And I gave more than pass to 17 here.
What you're gonna do with your talent, is the question? By the way I was 100% clear that you had a connect in your thoughts inside your script to do it as feature. And I mean every peace when you changed it to go inside the short. That might sound like I'm here the big teacher. Shit! No,No,No. It's just your strength in telling which shows a clarity, and in this clarity "every" divergence is obviously.
Coming back to the confident. If you want to do sth. sell, live for it, with such less confident, you need to have luck or be a genius. Think about what you want.
I don't want to explain you anything, see it just like kick saying: lazy or intensive. It's all or nothing, when it comes to the limited level. C U
You have a lot of work to do, but you're just learning, so I won't harp over what others have said - they've already given you some good pointers.
For me - the names Minny and Christine were no biggy - yes, they were both 'soft' names, but I presume you wanted those two characters to appear to be the 'softer' ones.
I liked the whole witch trial in modern court scene. I thought that was a good idea.
Keep at it and you'll eventually get there with your writing.
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The Trial - OWC
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