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Loved this twisted tale. The writer did an excellent job of delaying what we all knew was going to happen from page one, and each path we went down was totally satisfying. The half-sister who walked in from left field was a groaner -- for about one second -- because I was enjoying the ride so much it seemed to blend with the crazy tone of the overall story. Fun read, expertly written, a winner.
Your slugs are strange. You don't use INT. or EXT. You use "inside" and "outside".
It's also confusing when you go from SHEILA'S HOUSE to BATHROOM. I thought we were still in Sheila's house.
There's something about Kerry's dialogue that reminds me of my ex. Because of that, I didn't mind so much that Warren was going to slice her up in the end. Nicely done.
One minute a she the next a him Ok a VO narrator - may devalue the punch, let's see Warrens first word is - huh Warrens mainly VO then does conflict a touch with the occasional word - one to ponder
Finished.
Well that's a much more serious attempt, well done. Does it work? Yes, but I feel it could be more.
First - Warren. I suppose you can do VO with a small part being speech, but for a short I almost feel it's one or the other, when written like this.
Sister - why did he kill her? Yes he is tormented, the voice of the unborn speaking to him, but it's all about protecting Kerry, so I couldn't quite figure out why he visits the sister and kill her, just because the voice laughs? The mysterious half sister smacks of being thrown in to meet the OWC challenge - I understand that aspect well !!
I love the premise of this, the slide into paranoia, the voices, the tension and reactions, and of course the stakes, however, starting with him and a knife and the way it's drawn out we are really just waiting for it to happen rather than see the effects the journey.
As written we don't really have much of a story, more of a waiting game. If we saw him struggle more and more through the pregnancy as his insanity slides, as I read it since I see no sign of any monster.
I know we had to have witch craft but going forward I would either drop this or enhance it. I would work on the forces beyond our control fear aspect.
IMO there is a fair amount to change and I would decide on the VO versus speech element but this is definitely a better entry and a solid entry for one week.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Disagree some with Reef's post. Sure, it's a waiting game but the tension is there. Sheesh...it's there in spades.
The V/O worked for me. It took inside Warren's head but we're never sure if he's right or if he's gone off the deep end. It could go either way, right up to the end but I think that's a good way to go.
I agree with the others regarding slugs. You tipped us off right away this was going to be...different. It added to the feel that the things going are not normal. I have a feeling that if you could have the copy appear slightly tilted, you would.
I've read more of the entries than what I've commented on...so I've read a bunch now. This is not my favorite by any means because it's so...y'know....but this is the BEST script so far and seems far and away better than the any of the others I've read so far.
Tried to write a review twice but something in YouTube made the page refresh/crash for some reason. I'll have to keep this one short unfortunately; I don't want to rewrite the whole thing again.
I was intrigued at first at the possibility of this guy being schizophrenic but threw that out once Kerry collapsed. It seemed like the writer wanted the possibility of schizophrenia and a demonic baby to be two equally plausible possibilities. Unfortunately, I thought too much credence to the latter negated the former and schizophrenia seemed like the only thing that could've made the V.O. work. Instead, the result is a big game of tell, not show, which feels tedious as the intended tension was lost on me, especially with how cursory Sheila's death is dealt with.
The witch reference was also extremely cheap. It felt like the writer wanted to write whatever and snuck the reference in just to sneak by. I guess they do but it feels very disingenuous.
The writing wasn't bad though. I thought omitting INT/EXT from the slugs was amazingly lazy but complaining about it wouldn't serve much of a purpose as obviously no one's going to assume these characters have their living room and bedroom outside.
Not bad, I suppose. Wasn't as crazy about it as everyone else though.
I only skippped through the other comments as I really couldn't be bothered reading most of them, so apologies if I repeat points previously made.
The writing reminded me of another writer who used to be on here. Not sure enough to name but anyway, it was good. Up there with the best of the bunch. More psychological horror than physical, not that there's anything wrong with that. I usually prefer it that way.
No doubt some complaints about the minimal headers. It made suprisingly little difference. Seems a shame though. I think this, with a bit more work, could make for a really great short.
A nice little warped-mind trip here, but a little witchy-lite for my taste.
It would have been good if perhaps there had been a more direct correlation with all things occult as this reads imh more psychotic and deranged - a little too linear in terms of the final denouement too, but another entertaining take on the challenge... even if it doesn't quite meet the terms.
Hell yeah. This is a great short and highly filmable, with some tweaking. Great writing despite the slugs (which I don't mind). Loved the Fade In, nice touch. Solid storytelling here, the voice-overs work great and are executed with care, and the dialogue is just enough.
The V.O. does spell out the subtext a bit much, you already have Warren's actions and reactions so you can trim some of the V.O. without losing anything.
The opening image almost works. Off the mark it's fine, but the ending is the same scene taken a step further which makes the first scene questionable. Better if he doesn't have the knife in the first scene, if he's just lying there worried/terrified and we have the voice-over talking about him killing his wife. Then the ending has the impact it needs to, the same words but with a powerful visual this time.
My biggest complaint is the witch requirement is tacked on. That's a problem for the challenge, but it means this could be even better outside the constraints of the challenge. Remove that entirely, have him bring up the half-sister but when he goes to Google her name, that's when the baby warns him off. If you do that, we will never know if it's the demon-baby or a psychotic break. That's a universal horror story, a Rosemary's Baby from a dad's perspective.
This is my favorite entry so far, but I feel it didn't meet the requirements of the challenge. Great read, thank you! Not quite sure if that matters, I'll have that argument with myself come voting time.
This was pretty good! I liked how the tension mounted here, brooding as Warren seemingly goes insane. Interesting choice not to let us hear the baby speaking. Kind of added to Warrens madness. But this was well paced, action lines didnt make me slog through it. Def an easy, fun read, that made me turn the pages.
Only one complaint was the ending. I know you were pressed for time, and I suppose it was the only way to go, but, damn, I would have liked to read some more of this! Kinda halfway done really
One of the better ones...and one of the few that I feel may have been shortchanged by the page maximum. Because...I think if Warren could have actually met the witch sister - and had some some of eerie inconclusive encounter with her - this could have been stronger. Dialing this up a tiny notch with the horror and the madness would've worked, too. Not go over the top, ilke some of the other submissions did... but just a LITTLE more intensity would've made this even better.
I’m going against popular opinion on this one. It was OK, but the script lacked a certain tension for me, the VO wore me down, and I thought the outcome was just so-so.
There is a detachment to the story that made it a slightly tedious read. I wanted to hear the “other voice,” the one that was haunting Warren. If that voice is feeding him information or influencing him to act a certain way, Warren’s voice could be the voice of reason. Hearing two voices adds conflict, needed energy — as this story is really heavy on dialogue, or monologue. Action is subdued or implied. Even the one death scene (Sheila) is underplayed, I guess by choice.
Not only that, but the other voice would put us in the moment. And being in the moment means that maybe Warren hasn’t made any decisions — yet. He’s conflicted and trying to find a logical solution. In the end, the story outcome can be the same, but how we get there would be more involving.
BTW, hearing the child’s voice in the story doesn’t mean it has to be real. Warren could still be unhinged. The half-sister, witch angle doesn’t work, as is. You would need to develop that further. Kerry’s response to Lizbeth is pure exposition. She should be perplexed or curious at how he knew of another sister.
I’m not sure about Warren dusting off a hunting rifle in one scene. Because of the slug line confusion, did he pay a visit to Lizbeth and blow her away? It feels like a missing scene here. I think the story works better without this funky witch angle.
I was let down by the ending because based on certain information, the voice telling Warren that “the first thing it will do is chew its way out… ,” coupled with the story’s title, implied he was going to perform a home-remedy Caesarian. A truly blood denouement of the “evil” baby. I guess that’s what you’re setting up without actually going there. Right?
Still, I would like to have seen this baby starting the chewing process. Warren is already put off my his wife’s baby bump, so his mind could project ahead to that horrifying moment of the baby’s exit. This would continue the ambiguity of “is this real or is this fiction?’
Your logline could be shortened. Drop the “…within his head.” There’s potential, but could use a some re-aiming. Good luck on the rewrite.
I love the idea, but instead of Warren TELLING us all the things he's hearing, I think it would play out much better if we hear this entity's voice as he is hearing it. Give the entity a voice and let us experience what Warren is experiencing so we can sympathize with his dilemma. I feel we should at least meet the witch sister as well, as here is another case of telling and not showing.
“Every piece of writing... starts from what I call a grit... a sight or sound, a sentence or happening that does not pass away... but quite inexplicably lodges in the mind.” ~ Rumer Godden
I love the idea, but instead of Warren TELLING us all the things he's hearing, I think it would play out much better if we hear this entity's voice as he is hearing it. Give the entity a voice and let us experience what Warren is experiencing so we can sympathize with his dilemma.