I've read this story before... it didn't occur to me until afterwards. But it's similar to a story I read several months ago. I liked that one too.

I really liked the idea here. I think if you had more time you would have been able to give it some more depth. Like if we knew more about the half sister.

Great writing...a breeze to read.

I loved tormented Warren although he was really a mess. Didn't end well for anyone here but I guess that's okay sometimes. I think you could go several ways with this story. Lots of possibilities. Hope you expand on it a bit. Nice work.

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Non-native speaker – take it or leave it.


Caesarean fiction

Hello!

Yes. That was strong.
OK. If I get it, Warren is just a psychopath. The witch thing is existent in your script, because Warren think his wife's unborn baby is a demon. Unique view.

It was flowing.

3 things to mention:

1. Where is the body of Sheila?
2. The second sister thing had been done in another way. Warren knows his wife, right?
Especially those points let it jolt a tiny bit in a negative way.

3. Be careful with the long VO. It fits to your story, surely, but realize more: The characters have to act on screen during that time. Find good pictures to keep that interesting or cut some VO

I liked it a lot.

Weighted Matrix: https://docs.google.com/spread.....TTUE&usp=sharing

Producer's Notes: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NNGaVlrrpkjIfp-BRGjpTE03W1e5lZuRceJ3wQECYaI/edit?usp=sharing

38. Caesarean Fiction by Twenty-Nine - Horror - A young man is tormented by an evil voice within his head...the voice of something within his pregnant wife.
Brief - Expectant father deals with the demon in his head and pregnant wife's belly

Location(s)  - House interior, condo exterior & interior
Cast -
WARREN, 30, everyday American, the guy looks harmless
KERRY, 20s, lies angelic and fragile, gravid
SHEILA, late 20s, model good looks
Genre & Marketability - Thriller. This is not the story I'm looking to produce this time, nice as it is.
Comments  -  Turn off your screenwriting program's mores and continued's feature.The cover should be nothing but Courier 12pt, all caps title w/o underline, no embellishments. First page, first line: looks like a pisser already. Learn to make a slug line correctly. On pg6, delightful as this is it's barely horror and certainly not witchcraft - yet. Finished it. I like it. It isn't witchcraft, it's a mental health story, and nore thriller than horror by far. Good use of minimal cast & locations. Still gonna pass on this, though.
Script format - Needs work
Final word - Wrong genre, no witchcraft at all.

$200 - 500      Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/ 7.8          Screenplay Pages
= $           Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Modern Witches and/or Warlocks - Nope
Horror - Nope

Quoted from RayW Weighted Matrix: https://docs.google.com/spread.....TTUE&usp=sharing

Nice chart.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Nice chart.

Thanks.  

Buy me a beer and I'll let you see my other spreadsheet.  

Thanks for the reads, everyone. If I haven't gotten to your script already, I will in the coming days.

We played with the format and slugs here because we wanted to have a bit of fun with people, and we wanted the focus on the story. We got some valuable insights and ideas from the comments, so thanks!

Most satisfying is that many readers got the affect that we wanted, where it's unclear if Warren is going mad or whether there is something supernatural going on...and the feeling of what it's like in Warren's unraveling mind. That's why we did it in V.O., to put us in his mind. And that's why we didn't want to do the monster/baby's voice.

The script was done right before the deadline and definitely feels lacking. We can use the feedback to hopefully improve it. For example, we are thinking of a quick dream sequence where Warren imagines the monster clawing it's way out of her expansive belly.

As far as the writing technique in the opening, there is a reason we described things that way. We wanted the focus on her belly, then on his and her faces...then pulling back to see he has a knife. So yes, we were guilty of directing the camera shots. But it was also how we wanted the reader to experience it.

It would be easy enough to shoot, I would think. And it is horror, though obviously more psychological horror.

The OWC and the witch requirement inspired the story. That and a very pregnant woman at the library who happened to be sitting next to a man who was talking to himself. Though as the story developed, the witch ended up taking a backseat to the point where it's not clear, nor meant to be, whether she even exists.

Thanks again!

This is the one I voted for in the people's choice. Nice work, both of you.

Thanks, man. We didn't expect to get any votes because of the playing we did with the slug format and the title page. We were just hoping for good feedback and we got that.

Where did you see a similar story? What did they end up doing there? Could we hear the infant's voice? Did they show a monster come out? If you have a link that would be great. Thanks.

I really can't remember. It definitely involved an unborn child and voices though. If I ever come across it again, I'll share the link.