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Not my cup of tea, but the writing moves it along at a fast pace. I like your action lines, very clean, very simple. So far from the other shorts I have been slugging through paragraph blocks of 4 lines or more and that gets tiresome, making One Evil Man one welcome relief.
Writing’s concise and kept to the point. Story was dark in tone and unflinching in its delivery -- certainly more horror than most (mine included.)
The Preacher’s initial assault on the hospital had a certain flair and I like the idea at the heart of this; though I wasn't really buying Ronald as this frail old guy. He could have been drawn as more reliant on the Preacher to help him regain his powers.
My main issue with this was in Carol’s role. She’s a nurse, who happens to be a witch (or so I have to assume) who happens to be tending to a supernatural being. I think a stronger connection between her and Ronald (e.g. her watching/waiting for him to make his move) could have tied this together into a neater delivery.
Other than that a quick and entertaining read.
My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:
Hmm. This was an interesting script. A little uneven and at times cliche but I liked where it ended up. Sort of reminded me of The Exorcist 3. That film's sort of riding off the coattails of a better film in a sense but is also sort of its own thing and has some cool dark moments.
I thought this was also pretty well written, more or less. My focus was on the story. I didn't get jammed up anywhere from a technical perspective; it flows nicely overall.
Some weird descriptions early on though. You have not one but two characters who are supposed to look older/younger than the ages you give them. This threw me off. My initial instinct, for example, with Ronald was to picture him in his 60s. That's not the same as a weathered man in his 50s, which, based on the way you've described this dude, suddenly becomes sort of difficult to picture. Honestly, I'd have written him as older like late 60s/early 70s if only for the sake that it'd be creepier once all the stuff with the baby starts to happen.
Preacher was the same. I start to picture him in his 30s then have to second guess myself. These are things that take one out of the story. BTW, why does Preacher knock out the cop but kill the nurse? Why wouldn't he just kill both? Dude's got an issue with consistency.
The dialogue comes off a little corny once we get into the thick of things, e.g. "Give the girl a prize" or "He's got a way with words, does he not?" I'd be careful with the one-liners. Honestly, characters like Preacher are a safer bet when they're just a stone cold, emotionless badass who doesn't say much. When you try to give them too much clever dialogue, you either hit the mark or miss it. Not much there by way of in between.
Anyway, once we get these three characters together, the plot starts to come out... and honestly, I couldn't really follow it. I get there's some kind of evil ritual going on involving innocent blood but how's it supposed to work? First, Ronald wants to kill the baby then Carol takes its place... but he doesn't kill Carol. He also refers to the baby as "my boy." If Carol really took its place, wouldn't it just be a regular baby again, no consequence to him?
I mean, I didn't really care when all was said and done. The ending was awesome. The black milk was kvlt as fuck, to borrow a phrase from the metal world. But still, this is the kind of story you'd want to make sense. As of now, it doesn't seem to have much logic to it.
I think Carol in particular needs a lot of work. I mean, just look at her arc. She goes from hapless nurse to virgin to witch (I guess?) to demon queen (or something...) all within 10 pages. That's some serious twisting, my friend. Not sure I get it especially if she's supposed to be a virgin sacrifice but somehow knows dangerous witchcraft.
Also wasn't a fan of the title. Too simple. Doesn't sound like a real film.
Anyway, not a bad effort overall. Just needs some work.
40. One Evil Man by Bernard Cummings - Horror - A nurse discovers her terminal patient has more than just a passing interest in witchcraft. Much more. Brief - Hospital setting - pass
Location(s) - Hospital Cast - Protagonist(s) - Antagonist(s) - Genre & Marketability - Comments - Hospitals and medical facilities are among the most difficult places for a filmmaker to get permission to film in. Script format - Final word - Pass
Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range / Screenplay Pages = $ Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute
Adherence to Given Criteria: Modern Witches and/or Warlocks - Horror -
I like the CONCEPT of this one...there's so much that can be done with it. And the writer did go in the right direction with the setup, through to the end. The writing? A little too stilted to my mind, although that very well could be due to the one week limitation. A bit of more time to polish, and that could be easily fixed. My main concern with it - that a bulk of the story deteriorated into a generic fight sequence. There's so much more dread, and creepiness that could be built up, if the writer went more subtle (and a bit more verbal with it.)
In other words, I think this one has solid potential, and ended on a great (dark) note. But the middle of it missed the mark.
Nice little horror you got here. I notice how you like to sprinkle some comedy lines: RONALD Oh, that's Preacher, by the way. Preacher, Carol. Carol, Preacher... I laughed(but I like comedy anyways).
The preacher was pretty badass and has wicked ending with the nurse/witch. Some good scenes... the virginity test, the baby in a bag, snapping the nurse's back
Overall you're a strong writer and I like your work.
I'll read some of your other work later this week.
Thanks a lot, Mark. This one was pretty well received--finished 8 out of 50 or so entries. Of my shorts this is the one I'd rewrite, if only to take out the choppy start and stop action passages, and make them flow better. I work in a hospital so it wasnt hard for me to figure out where to go with this one, although one commenter (forgot who at the moment) pointed out it'd be a bitch to film because medical facilities are among the hardest to get permission to film in. I understand it.
And I must admit i get a guilty pleasure when people compliment me on how messed up this one was!