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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2013 One Week Challenge  ›  Good Girl - OWC
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LizzAyn
Posted: October 24th, 2013, 3:06pm Report to Moderator
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It's a very good premise, and a nice way to flip the usual expectations.  Unfortunately, the dialogue was very on-the-nose and weakened what could have been a very strong, scary story.  If you were going for humor, you did get the tone right and it was fairly consistant throughout (until the kitten part).  

I agree with above critiques about the slug lines, especially using "SAME".  However, the remainer of the writing, especially the action is very well done.  It was an easy read which also points to good writing.  If the dialogue were a bit more subtle it would be a very strong piece.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: October 27th, 2013, 10:30am Report to Moderator
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Other than the killing of the animals, this was not horror in my opinion. I did like it though. I liked the idea of Lucy going against evil and standing by what she believes is right. Great work playing the school scene of animal sacrifices side by side with the Pentecostal snake handlers.

I didn't have a problem with the writing nor the story. I think you did a great job for a week's work. My only gripe, I hated Opal.  


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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: October 27th, 2013, 5:36pm Report to Moderator
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Haha!  This was a fun script.  I thought surely at the end Stan would make Lucy eat that heart, kind of like your parent making you smoke a whole pack of cigarettes after you got caught.

What a nice flip of society.  But is it?  I smell a satire.  This was humorous because of the surreal plot, sprinkled with horror.  Modern witches didn't feel like the main ingredient here.

The MAN and WOMAN intro choice confused me.  I think labeling them The Reverend and his wife would have worked better in the visual department.

I enjoyed the tent revival scene.  Kinda reminds me of Billy St. Cyr in Justified.

Good job!

Johnny
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RJ
Posted: October 28th, 2013, 6:22am Report to Moderator
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Beside all the (beats) throughout the dialogue, this was a clean, fun read. I didn't however like the ending. I was hoping for more of a 'Lucy uprising' ending, but then the kitten died and Stan won and well that was just sad.

Good entry none the less

Renee


As an after thought: I guess that's another reason this one was good, because I actually cared for Lucy and what happened to her - I wanted her to win!
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EWall433
Posted: October 29th, 2013, 12:41pm Report to Moderator
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A lot of passive writing, but I’m enjoying the set-up (almost seems like as many comedies came in this challenge as horror).

Pg.3 I almost prefer Stan’s line to be, “What’s this I hear about you not having trouble at school?”

The tone is mixed. Like Monsters Inc. but with people getting their hearts ripped out (then again I never saw Monsters Inc. Maybe that happened there too   )

Ultimately the ending fell short for me. I love the concept though and believe it could work really well as a cute, PG-rated, Despicable Me type comedy. But for that to work you’ll have to kill less kittens.

Good work for a week. Congrats!
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RayW
Posted: October 29th, 2013, 4:35pm Report to Moderator
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Weighted Matrix: https://docs.google.com/spread.....TTUE&usp=sharing

Producer's Notes: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NNGaVlrrpkjIfp-BRGjpTE03W1e5lZuRceJ3wQECYaI/edit?usp=sharing

43. Good Girl by Thirty-Two - Horror - When a teenage girl uses her powers as a witch for good, she must deal with the bad response from her parents.
Brief - Teen witch student being scolded by parents to "be bad"

Location(s)  - High school interior & exterior, car, dungeon, kitchen
Cast -
Protagonist(s)  -
LUCY, teen, sweet faced
Antagonist(s)  -
Genre & Marketability - I didn't finish the story, but it smacks of Judeo-Christian demonized witchcraft rather than modern witchcraft = not good for the market I'm looking to serve.
Comments  -  Turn off your screenwriting program's mores and continued's feature. Don't underline your title on your title page. That dungeon scene is lookin' like a comedy. Pg2 "Stan makes his hand into a wedge and drives it through the man's chest like an axe splitting a log -- and pulls out his HEART." Have any idea how much that effect is going to cost? X2?! Eh... Don't worry about it. I'll figure some work-around. "THE LUCIFER ACADEMY FOR YOUNG WITCHES & WARLOCKS" Groaaaan... As producer I'm deducting the cost of that sign from your pay as writer. Alright, I'm outta here at the classroom scene. Too many actors to pay. Ciao. This is exactly how you begin to understand the difference between writing pie-in-the-sky stories and stories that are budget minded = likely to be produced.
Script format - fair.
Final word - Can't afford to produce

     Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/      Screenplay Pages
= $      Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Modern Witches and/or Warlocks -
Horror -




Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
RayW  -  October 29th, 2013, 5:17pm
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