The writing from the beginning needs to be proofed and trimmed down IMO.

You are missing a INT. slug when he runs into the house on page 1.

The phone thing goes on way too long for me and you need use VO or either do your phone convo scene a lil different format-wise.

This thing goes on and on about him seeing something strange....then the stabbing at the end was like a bit strange for me...I guess there you finally have some horror but it felt like the end was rushed through.

This could use some more work. Good on completing an OWC.

Sorry to say this didn't work for me. You're obviously new to this, but you have the basic skills they just need work - you'll get there - keep working at it. If anything you can walk away from this exercise with some helpful feedback.

Did you rush the ending? The pencil thing just felt like something thrown in to end it all.

Some of the dialogue does work while other parts don't.

Plus is seems like (and this has happened in quite a few) that there may be too much backstory for this. Oh, and horror - not really.

Good effort though and remember - keep at it and you WILL eventually get there!

Renee

It's all been said about structure flaws. You have an idea of story, good. Now do some major studying and come back in the next OWC and kick @$$.

I won’t comment on the formatting here, I’m sure you’ve got enough of that to go on. I’ll just say that I thought the idea of a witch watching over her town through a mirror was pretty cool. I was hoping it would come back into play, but it never did.

I thought Ms. Mills would be using the mirror to get at Jacob or Dylan. I could imagine either one of them standing in front of their own mirror only to be pulled inside and replaced by a doppelganger. Then you could have a neat little story about a witch replacing her town’s population with “mirror people”. Oh well.

There were some cool ideas here and it shows promise I think. Congrats.

Weighted Matrix: https://docs.google.com/spread.....TTUE&usp=sharing

Producer's Notes: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NNGaVlrrpkjIfp-BRGjpTE03W1e5lZuRceJ3wQECYaI/edit?usp=sharing

44. Small Town Lies by Thirty-Three - Horror - What happens in a small town stays in a small town.
Brief - High schoolers get the first drop on their teacher after hours - then she gets the second drop on them.

Location(s)  - House exterior & interior x3, high school interior
Cast -
Protagonist(s)  -  
JACOB FARNER, 17, no descrip
DYLAN BANKS 17, no descrip
Antagonist(s)  -
DEAN FARNER, 40s, no descrip
MS. MILLS, ??, no descrip
Genre & Marketability - Thriller drama. This is neither a horror story nor modern witch story. Portarys witches and witchcraft unfavorably.
Comments  -  Turn off your screenwriting program's mores and continued's feature. Pg1 "He is not worried about walking the dark alone. This is not a town where he would run into anyone he did not already know." I cannot aim a camera at an actor and capture "he is not  worried about walking in the dark alone" or "this is not a  town... " blah blah blah. These are unfilmables - don't include those. "It's coming from MS.MILLS (his history teacher) house." Yeah. That again. Don't do that. Characters need to be introduced in all-caps, approximate age, and brief three to four word description.Pg6 "Jacob is walking ..." No. "Jacob walks..." Two words. Not three. Just went full Judeo-Christian demonized witch on pg8 = criteria fail. Abrupt ending. I don't think I can salvage anything useful from this. Real weak on the horror to boot. Pass.
Script format - fair.
Final word - Cliche and missable.

$1,000 - 2,000      Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/ 8.8               Screenplay Pages
= $114 - 227          Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Modern Witches and/or Warlocks - Nope
Horror - Nope