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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2013 One Week Challenge  ›  Small Town Lies - OWC
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  Author    Small Town Lies - OWC  (currently 2817 views)
Don
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 9:49am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Small Town Lies by Thirty-Three - Horror - What happens in a small town stays in a small town.  (PG) - pdf, format


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RegularJohn
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 11:56am Report to Moderator
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Some unfilmables to start with.  Can't tell that they've been playing outdated video games as Jacob leaves the house.  Perhaps some red, tired eyes?  Same with the town they're in.

"corn of his eye"?  Think it should be "corner".

A lack of slugs is doing damage on the imagery here.  I have an idea of where we're at but slugs will do wonders with clarity so use them to your advantage.

Not a huge fan of the phone conversation.  Some of Dylan's reactions seem a bit strange for me.  "I really think you might be over reacting."  Just sounds funny to me.

Another thing is the lack of character descriptions.  You gave some ages which is good but nothing else.  Ms. Mills wasn't intro'd properly either and so we're kind of left in the dark with how these people look.

Read through this but all in all, a miss for me.  The dialogue just read funny to me and quite a few grammatical errors that can be cleaned up with a read through.  The story itself wasn't all that riveting.  Characters make the story and the ones you've created were a bit on the dull side for me and followed a somewhat familiar and predictable plot.  I didn't really care for Jacob, Dylan, or Ms. Mills.  Hopefully I didn't sound too negative.  Take care.

Johnny


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crookedowl
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 2:54pm Report to Moderator
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I didn't make it that far into this... too many unfilmables, among other things.

Keep things visual. Only write what you can actually see on screen. If not, it won't transition to film very well.

Other issues here and there... like when you didn't change sluglines when you switched location.

And lose "CONTINUED" at the top and bottom of every page.

Sorry to be harsh. Congrats on finishing the OWC....

Will
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Last Fountain
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 9:25pm Report to Moderator
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This was a short one which started off with a GOONIES vibe. I like that. Refreshing to have child characters.  Another potion based one. I liked the mirror idea, with the teacher watching. Like an evil ROMPER ROOM (anyone?). But I was wondering why a lot. Why was she watching? Why were they worried of the child, even his friend didn't believe him - would adults?

This was another entry focused more on mystery than horror, I feel. But the confrontation at the end was twisted and disturbing.

SPOILER okay....to have kids kill kids, and they're friends. Ouch. I think that's why it lands so well. Maybe developing their trust more would give more context and weight. As it stands it's unsettling for sure. A shock. I'm sure that's your intent. Hahah.


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KevinLenihan
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 7:33am Report to Moderator
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Writer number 33, otherwise known as Larry Bird.

A lot of reviewers get overly freaked about "unfilmables" and asides. But in this instance, they would have a point.

Let's take a look at the ones out of the opening gate.

"After a few hours of gaming on Dylan�s out dated
system."

I can live with this, but there are better ways to do this. We don't know how long they've been playing, so it might be better to show how they look. And by outdated system, this will have to be something apparent to an audience.

"He is not worried about
walking the dark alone. This is not a town where he would
run into anyone he did not already know."

Again, I can live with this, he is at home in his environment. But you have a lot of information that is hard to show in the film. How do we know he knows everyone in town?

"It�s coming from MS.
MILLS (his history teacher) house."

In this case, you've really gone too far. You introduce Mills, but don't show her. How can the audience know she is his history teacher even if we do see her?

Enough tech stuff, let's talk about the story. One thing you should do is think through the character. OK, Mills has the ability to watch her students on a magic screen. The next thing you have to ask is...why does she? Why would a teacher want to monitor her kids all day? This is essential to the story.

Maybe she just really cares. Maybe she is a pedophile. Maybe she is blackmailing the parents. Maybe there is one child in particular she is monitoring. Maybe she has a child herself in school and she is monitoring the friends. All kinds of possibilities. You just have to think it through.

When Mills called up her witch friend it felt more like secret agent stuff. IF that is the case, what are they looking for?

The twist at the end wasn't bad. Just try to think the witch through more carefully.

Good luck! Keep writing, you'll learn quickly!
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 9:37pm Report to Moderator
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Well, this was terrible, no offense. I was going to give you the benefit of the doubt in thinking that it's possible you finished writing this three minutes before the deadline, but I don't think that's the case. I think you whipped up an incredibly rough draft and submitted it right away without even spell checking because there are plenty of errors in here that any spell checker in the world would pick up. This whole script is an exercise in lazy writing. At one point, you have characters spend nearly an entire page going back and forth about whether or not one of the kids saw what he thought he did. I read it through to the end and I'm not sure why, but this wasn't any good.

F.


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SAC
Posted: October 21st, 2013, 5:50am Report to Moderator
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Hey writer,

Trace elements of horror. Certain scenes could have been set up better to make them scarier. Such as when the protagonist stumbles by Ms Mills house. A better set up could have upped the tension, creepiness factor. Your payoff didn't make that much sense, really. A violent death adds to the horror/gore aspect, but it wasnt necessary IMO as he'd already had a spell cast on him to wipe his memory. He clearly knew nothing anymore. Perhaps the other guy should've gotten a pencil through his eyes?

Anyway, not bad for a weeks worth. Just didn't have me on the edge of anything.

Steve


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LizzAyn
Posted: October 21st, 2013, 9:55pm Report to Moderator
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There are lots of formatting and grammar errors, many unfilmmables and the dialogue is weak.  However, the premise is good, and the ending would add more of a punch if the dialogue was reworked and tightened up.  Good effort.
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khamanna
Posted: October 22nd, 2013, 1:53am Report to Moderator
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P1 - this "Jacob heads down the dark street alone" should go under different slug perhaps.
Better get rid of passive "is walking" at the beginning. There's a lot of it at the beginning, but then it reads smoothly.
He gets inside the house - you need a separate slug for it. I think you rushed - it does look like a mistake.
Jacob telling his Dad about the rabbit is kind of sudden. Maybe you could show us the rabbit, or if Jacob is lying - let us know what he wants. Otherwise it's all kind of sudden. Jacob is not crazy, is he? Maybe you're righting something in the vein of Harvey - but let's see.
Dylan (p3) on the phone should be either "in the phone" or O.S. as he's off stage. Better ask - I don't even know the proper formatting, but it should be something. Some may advice to use intercut, but I know many stay away from intercuts - these just create confusion, I think.
Some funny dialog at the beginning "you're not my girlfriend" but then it felt like running too long. And I'd say you could add some texture to it.
The fact that we didn't see what's going on in Ms. Mill's house at the very beginning ruined it for me. I wish we did - this way we'd be invested in the script more I think.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: October 22nd, 2013, 4:04am Report to Moderator
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No comments read before.
Non-native spaker – take it or leave it.

Small town lies

Hello.

It felt not very scary. I don't understand why there's often as much irony in Horror. I felt so because of every character speaking in scatalogy for example.

You made somethinh like the Joker-move, right? Will be classic, haha.

I don't know which Boy made it because the Boys had similar names. Here is another irony because the witches crowely abd mills(good witch names) are similar as well. Try to avoid 2 phone calls in 9 minutes.

I think you wanted to made a fun ride like faculty or other youth-horror.
Real Horror has to be more deeper in my opinion.



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Ledbetter
Posted: October 22nd, 2013, 9:37am Report to Moderator
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All the spelling stuff has been said so no sense going there.

There might some horror here but it's not explored enough.

The overall writing is good and you know format.
But--
You did miss FADE IN - FADE OUT...

Also, on page one, you have Jacob leaving from Dylan's house but there is no scene change.

He goes from the house, to the street, by Ms. Mills home and finally home and into the house and into his bedroom without a single scene change.

Those have to be there for us to get a sense of where we are.

You have CLAIRE CROWLEY dropped into the scene with no intro. I understand she has a (V.O.) in her first dialogue and then no more. It needs to be consistent.

Also you have her as CLAIRE CROWLEY and Ms. Crowley. Pick one and stay with it. It reads better that way.

Dylan enters Ms. Mill’s room and again, no scene change. That's a big bump when you're reading it.

Then on the final pages Dylan leaves Ms. Mill’s room, goes down the hallway and into another class with zero scene direction.

All in all, a pretty decent read, but you’ll need to get some things cleaned up on the re-write.

Hope this helps.

Shawn…..><
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 22nd, 2013, 9:03pm Report to Moderator
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OK, I'm back to finish off the rest of the OWC's I didn't read over the weekend. I had a business trip to Chicago, so my apologies.

I've read a bunch of peeps' posts who say I'm mean and I'm a dick and I have no right to post feedback unless I read the entire script, but I say "Fuck you" to all who want to say this.

Anyone who says this is a good read or not a bad read is either flat out lying or has no clue what they're saying.  I'm sorry, but I honestly look at a script as a calling card, a resume, or a first interview for a job, and if you don't put your best foot forward, you're fucked...point blank.

The opening Slug shows that the writer knows what an apostraphe is and how it's used.  So, to miss a blatant one in the very first action line is inexcusable.  It only hurts more that the first line is also so damn passive.  Bad start, bro...very bad start.

Then we get to the 2nd line in this opening passage - a fragment (that should be joined with a comma to the opening sentence) that ends in a ridiclulous orphan.

The 2nd passage is obviously no longer in the opening Slug...right?  And then we get 2 sentences that are insanley on the nose, unfilmables, asides, and just downright terrible writing.

The next pasage is downright horrendous in every way imaginable.  Do I even need to list the mistakes and problems here?  I hope not.  I'm out.  Very poor.  No reason anyone should continue past this, sorry to say.

Hope you take something from this and please understand what I said here is meant to help you.  Don't stop wriiting, but understand that you really need to come across like you care, because, as written, it doesn't.

Sorry, but you need to hear this.

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Grandma Bear
Posted: October 25th, 2013, 11:30am Report to Moderator
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Page 1.   You must be a newbie to screenplay writing. Write only what we can see. Don't tell us about what these characters have done before. Unless it's really important to the story, in which way you need to SHOW us they have played for hours on Dylan's outdated system. Try to think visually, what we the audience can see. An audience watching your film, is NOT reading your script.

Ditto for the rest of the text on this page. Don't tell us it id Ms. Mills, his history teachers house. Why? Because if we were watching this on film, all we would see is that Jacob sees something at a house, he sneaks up to it, sees something through the window, then hauls ass away from there to another house, presumably his own.

When Jacob enters his house, you need to change the scene heading to INT. JACOB'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Some mix-up of the names near the bottom of the page when Jacob's dad calls him Dylan…

I'm stopping taking notes here since there are too many typos, grammar and format errors and will instead just concentrate on your story.

Finished. Okay, story wise, there wasn't really much there. Jacob sees his teacher doing something weird at her house. He decides to go back and double check. Gets caught by the teacher who puts a spell on him so he forgets what he saw. Next day at school, his buddy asks him if he went back to her house, but he doesn't remember. Friend asks teacher if he went to her house. She puts a spell on him. He kills his friend. The end.

My suggestions for you would be to first start getting used to only write what an audience would see on film. Don't write things like what a character has done just a few minutes ago or what s/he is thinking. Think only in pictures. What we can see. Second. Reads lots and lots of scripts. Ideally pro scripts since they tend to be better.

Good Luck!  


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mmmarnie
Posted: October 26th, 2013, 1:49pm Report to Moderator
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Right off the bat, an unfilmable:  "After a few hours of gaming on Dylan’s out dated system." -- how in the world are we supposed to know that if we're watching this on film? FIRST RULE of screenwriting, only write what we can see on screen. No one is going to be reading the screenplay while they watch the movie. If it's important for us to know they were playing games for hours then have them mention it in dialog.

So instead of me just saying you have a bunch of unfilmables, I'll point a few more out so you can learn from this and write something better next time.

"He is not worried about walking the dark alone. This is not a town where he would run into anyone he did not already know."

"It’s coming from MS. MILLS (his history teacher) house." - (how are we supposed to know whose house it is or that she's his history teacher
________________________________________________

What in the world is this sentence?? "As he is walking on a small dirt path past he sees a
flickering light from corn of his eye." -- "past" past what?? "corn" of his eye??  WTF?? Mistakes like these make me not want to take the time to help  because you didn't take the time to edit.

You're missing tons of SLUGS! We start outside of Dylan's house then go to a bunch of places and you never change the scene heading. He even enters his own house. Sorry, but that's really bad.

Geesh...a phone convo is (VO).

Okay, I'm bailing out on page 2. I hardly ever do that. These are screenwriting 101 basics AND some easy mistakes fixed by just one proofread. You don't even have to buy a book, there are more than enough screenwriting tutorials on line.  Before you expect people to take their time to read your work, YOU should read some screenplays yourself. I'm pissed because you're making me sound like JEFF!!  >





boop
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James McClung
Posted: October 26th, 2013, 2:41pm Report to Moderator
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Going to leave the writing alone. Others have touched on that already. You can read there comments. A lot of typos though. Too many.

I wasn't a fan of this one. There was a really hasty staccato feel to it that made it a stressful read. All the dialogue has a regurgitated feel to it like all plot information just had to fall onto the page as quickly as possible and plot points come and go in a rapid fire fashion. The whole thing feels extremely rushed.

This would explain the typos and why little illogical moments are scattered throughout when only a moment's thought could've prompted fixing them. Why would Jacob take even a sip of tea after he's been so pressed about what he saw at this place, for example?

The worst moment of this is Jacob's death. It's glossed over so quickly and bears almost no impact whatsoever. I mean, this had to have at least a little more buildup.

I guess it's sort of rude to insinuate in what manner this script got written but I just can't shake the feeling that either it was a last minute situation or that overall the writer was just terrified of hitting that 10 page mark and had to squash the story down as much as possible. Regardless of what the circumstances were, it reads excessively speedy and sloppy. The overall story wasn't particularly inspired either but perhaps that's because it didn't have much of a chance to sink in.

Didn't care for it.


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Pale Yellow
Posted: October 26th, 2013, 5:37pm Report to Moderator
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The writing from the beginning needs to be proofed and trimmed down IMO.

You are missing a INT. slug when he runs into the house on page 1.

The phone thing goes on way too long for me and you need use VO or either do your phone convo scene a lil different format-wise.

This thing goes on and on about him seeing something strange....then the stabbing at the end was like a bit strange for me...I guess there you finally have some horror but it felt like the end was rushed through.

This could use some more work. Good on completing an OWC.
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RJ
Posted: October 28th, 2013, 6:49am Report to Moderator
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Sorry to say this didn't work for me. You're obviously new to this, but you have the basic skills they just need work - you'll get there - keep working at it. If anything you can walk away from this exercise with some helpful feedback.

Did you rush the ending? The pencil thing just felt like something thrown in to end it all.

Some of the dialogue does work while other parts don't.

Plus is seems like (and this has happened in quite a few) that there may be too much backstory for this. Oh, and horror - not really.

Good effort though and remember - keep at it and you WILL eventually get there!

Renee
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RadioShea89
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It's all been said about structure flaws. You have an idea of story, good. Now do some major studying and come back in the next OWC and kick @$$.


“Every piece of writing... starts from what I call a grit... a sight or sound, a sentence or happening that does not pass away... but quite inexplicably lodges in the mind.” ~ Rumer Godden
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EWall433
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I won’t comment on the formatting here, I’m sure you’ve got enough of that to go on. I’ll just say that I thought the idea of a witch watching over her town through a mirror was pretty cool. I was hoping it would come back into play, but it never did.

I thought Ms. Mills would be using the mirror to get at Jacob or Dylan. I could imagine either one of them standing in front of their own mirror only to be pulled inside and replaced by a doppelganger. Then you could have a neat little story about a witch replacing her town’s population with “mirror people”. Oh well.

There were some cool ideas here and it shows promise I think. Congrats.
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RayW
Posted: October 29th, 2013, 4:36pm Report to Moderator
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Weighted Matrix: https://docs.google.com/spread.....TTUE&usp=sharing

Producer's Notes: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NNGaVlrrpkjIfp-BRGjpTE03W1e5lZuRceJ3wQECYaI/edit?usp=sharing

44. Small Town Lies by Thirty-Three - Horror - What happens in a small town stays in a small town.
Brief - High schoolers get the first drop on their teacher after hours - then she gets the second drop on them.

Location(s)  - House exterior & interior x3, high school interior
Cast -
Protagonist(s)  -  
JACOB FARNER, 17, no descrip
DYLAN BANKS 17, no descrip
Antagonist(s)  -
DEAN FARNER, 40s, no descrip
MS. MILLS, ??, no descrip
Genre & Marketability - Thriller drama. This is neither a horror story nor modern witch story. Portarys witches and witchcraft unfavorably.
Comments  -  Turn off your screenwriting program's mores and continued's feature. Pg1 "He is not worried about walking the dark alone. This is not a town where he would run into anyone he did not already know." I cannot aim a camera at an actor and capture "he is not  worried about walking in the dark alone" or "this is not a  town... " blah blah blah. These are unfilmables - don't include those. "It's coming from MS.MILLS (his history teacher) house." Yeah. That again. Don't do that. Characters need to be introduced in all-caps, approximate age, and brief three to four word description.Pg6 "Jacob is walking ..." No. "Jacob walks..." Two words. Not three. Just went full Judeo-Christian demonized witch on pg8 = criteria fail. Abrupt ending. I don't think I can salvage anything useful from this. Real weak on the horror to boot. Pass.
Script format - fair.
Final word - Cliche and missable.

$1,000 - 2,000      Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/ 8.8               Screenplay Pages
= $114 - 227          Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Modern Witches and/or Warlocks - Nope
Horror - Nope




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RayW  -  October 29th, 2013, 5:18pm
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