No comments read before.
Non-native speaker – take it or leave it.


Red hook

Hello.

Applause. One of my favorites so far.

What is a more modern place than Big Apple? Should be the first choice for us and you're the first writer who build this obviously connection from which I read . It must been located in the Battery, I think.

The little No's first: I thought about, if you couldn't let it go further in typical NYC location. I wanted it to. During the US budgetary-problem time Liberty Island was a lonely place I've heard. What a great scenario to go further with a real NY Horror script.
I may didn't understand what they wanted from Moric, steeal him sth., or even why Moric, the evil pagan, was at this place. Or why no civilians, New York doesn't sleep? What's about the cat? Moric build this shield dome, then he acts more like a reaper.

That all weren't big deals to me, because you were telling with so much confidence and passion. That reflects also the ending. No games no double meaning. Moric's time has come. Best ending so far. It's as straight as the story goes. I love the ending. Was getting back to end to even read again, if you made some mega-cool-artificial dialogue in the last words to present something over the top, something what wouldn't fit to Netan. You did not. You did let him say the words, he has got to say.

chapeau

Not sure what the dead cat angle lent to the story -- were Viktor and Marty supposed to be invisible?  Also the flashback with the Monk felt unnecessary for what little it gave to Moric’s background.

The writing’s decent but the execution fell flat for me.  The horror of Nevin’s situation was there, though in the end I wasn’t buying him taking his own life in order to spite Moric.  Perhaps this needed to give the reader more connection to Moric -- make us feel a sense of reluctance in his actions rather than relish.  Then when his hopes for release are dashed we’re left with a better sense of his despair.

Ew - breaking up a dead cat and putting it in their mouths - yuck.

The writing in this one was clean and crisp.

I was actually quite enjoying this until (I'm going over what others have said now - but) the ending. I too would have preferred Nevin to walk away and leave Moric to his eternal damnation - that would have felt more satisfying to the story.

Good job though, great entry.

Renee

Writer,

Pretty good. Good pacing, and def achieved a level of horror. Not too much mention of witchcraft, but it was alluded to in the beginning, although I'm still not sure why they killed a cat. What were they hoping to achieve? Was killing Moric part of their plan?

Anyway, this was pretty solid. Who's throat was slashed at the end? Moric or the pure one. Reads a little confusing.

Congrats on getting an entry in!

Steve

IMO pretty good writing, lean and fairly easy to get through.

The story works well, but it seems to me to have ended a little abruptly. I'm sure thats what the writer intended but for some reason I felt there was more to that ending than what we got. But thats just me.

Either way good job on this OWC.

Nice gruesome start with the cat. Well-written with a good flow. I loved the imagery, especially when time stood still. I also liked the bit with Nevin spinning and the succession of images.

Unfortunately the ending is very abrupt and not completely satisfying. There were some good ideas and visuals, but I was hoping to get more out of that end situation between Nevin and Moric. It felt like we just scratched the surface and then it’s over.

It was a really easy read though and one of the better written scripts in the challenge. Congrats!

Weighted Matrix: https://docs.google.com/spread.....TTUE&usp=sharing

Producer's Notes: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NNGaVlrrpkjIfp-BRGjpTE03W1e5lZuRceJ3wQECYaI/edit?usp=sharing

45. Red Hook by Thirty-Four - Horror - When a brother has to choose between revenge or murder, neither choice is the right one.
Brief - Four teen warlocks attempt to rob a man, unaware he is a powerful warlock

Location(s)  - Pier, city street
Cast -
Protagonist(s)  -  
VIKTOR HOCH, 17, sickly pale with unkempt scruff on his face
MARTY YEOMAN, 17, stocky with vacant eyes and a chip on his shoulder
NEVIN HOCH, 15, sad eyes, morose
Antagonist(s)  -
MORIC KETLEN, 66, a trench coat and short brimmed bowler hat
Genre & Marketability - Judeo-Christian demonizing witches = not what I'm looking for.
Comments  - Out at pg4
Script format - Good
Final word - Criteria fail

     Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/      Screenplay Pages
= $      Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Modern Witches and/or Warlocks - Nope
Horror - Meh

Thank you, everyone, for your reads and comments.  It's the greatest gift you can give me and I truly appreciate it.  

Without your comments I wouldn't grow as a writer.  I'd be doomed to incessantly regurgitate literary offal, offending the ocular senses of all those who stray into my scripts.  Well...maybe it wouldn't be that bad, but you get the idea.

I'm glad I didn't waste too much of your life with my little story.  

Now to address some of your issues with my script:

Quoted from RegularJohn I really liked this story.  The pace was brisk and the writing was top notch. One thing that could be tweaked is the "beats" and the "cont'd's" in some of your passages. I think that the flashback with the monk could have been a bit longer. SPOILER ALERT Also, if Moric's head is lowered and Nevin slits his throat, how would blood be spraying across Moric's back?  Maybe I'm missing something.

Thanks for the compliments, RegularJohn.  

I use "beat" to signify a change in demeanor.  In this case it shows Nevin going from calm to angry and Moric going from angry to calm.

I use "cont'd" because it makes it quicker for me to read through a script.  If I see "cont'd" I don't have to read the characters name and I just keep using the same voice in my head to read the dialogue.  It's mainly a personal preference, but I can see how it would bother some readers.

I submitted my script with about 10 minutes to spare.  The flashback with the monk was a last minute change.  It's in reference to the monk, Gerard Sagredo, who was martyred in 1046 in Hungary.  I learned of him during the last hour before the scripts were due.  It was too good of a story to pass on, so I added it.  Unfortunately in doing so, I lowered the quality of my script.

In the end, Nevin slits his own throat, and it's Nevin's blood that sprays across Moric's back.  This is one of the errors I made due to the last minute changes in the script.

Quoted from crookedowl This was well done. Good writing, good dialogue... the story was enjoyable too.

Thanks for the read, Will.

Quoted from oJOHNNYoNUTSo ...The ending didn't really payoff.  Felt like there might have been a scene missing.

Johnny,

I agree.  I was rushed at the end and I didn't get to polish it up as much as I would have liked.  Thanks for the read.

Quoted from Pale Yellow Be careful overusing names in dialogue. When people talk to each other...they very rarely do this. Pg 2 whisper should be whispers... So they are breaking off cat legs and eating them? Ack. I like the end of this story...nice twist. Good writing in this story also. I still don't know why they were cutting up a dead cat at the beginning. That is just not right! LOL

Dena,

I know what you're saying about people using names when they talk to each other.  I tried to keep it natural and still introduce the characters by name, on screen.  I'll try to blend it in a little better in the future.

Good catch on "whisper".  I initially wrote that passage in a passive voice but then changed it to be more active.  Unfortunately I missed the "s".

The Black Cat Bone is supposed to provide a few positive effects, one of them being invisibility.  You can coat it in Van Van oil so it can be part of a Mojo Bag, or...you can put it in your mouth.  Delicious, I know.

Thanks for the read.

Quoted from stevie Maybe need a super saying NYC or something? I've been to Red hook actually so the title grabbed my Interest. ...Perhaps the writer ran out of time to properly put together.

Stevie,

I thought that showing the Statue of Liberty would indicate that this took place around New York.  I used Red Hook because that area has an abundance of cobblestone streets.

I definitely ran out of time on this one.

Thanks for the read.

Quoted from KevinLenihan Many OWCs are a real chore to get through, this was not at all. Morin did not really seem like a man stuck traveling the world for millennia looking for the forgiveness of an innocent man.  For one thing, he has been granted immense super powers by God. Why? I mean I guess he is killing bad people, but I thought his mission was to find an innocent man to forgive him? ...The ending is a reasonably good attempt at a twist.

Kevin,

I'm glad this wasn't too difficult of a script to read.  Sometimes that's all we can hope for.

Moric wasn't exactly searching for forgiveness.  He was just cursed to walk the Earth.  Initially I wrote him as being a warlock but as the story progressed, he became cursed to add a little more depth to him.

I'm glad you understood the ending.  It was a little confusing the way I worded it.

Thanks for the read.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer Bit confused between park and street and pier? Then when the innocent kills himself I didn't understand why.

Bill,

The story takes place in Red Hook, NY, and in Red Hook, there's a city park with a small pier on the Hudson River.  The path from the street to the pier cuts through the park.

Nevin killing himself was a last minute change to the script.  I tried to show that his brother was all he had in the world and that he was already hanging on by a thread.  Unfortunately I wasn't able to convey all of this in the last hour before I submitted it.

Thanks for the read.

Quoted from Dreamscale The writing isn't great, but again, not terrible either.  It's a little too simplistic while also being a little too detailed - I know that probably doesn't make much sense. Not sure what Red Hook has to do with anything, but if it indeed is referring to the town of Red Hook, in NY, it needs to be made clear, which leads to a big problem - your Slugs - they're very poor and so generic and nonvisual. A decent effort though and in the very weak class of entries, I'd actually say you're in the top 20%, so good job.

Jeff,

I'm glad that you may or may not like the way I wrote this.  I understand what you mean, and I don't understand what you mean.  You know what I mean?

I used Red Hook because they have cobblestone streets and the park and river seemed like a good place to set this.

Once I read your comment on my slug lines I cringed at how bland they were.  I should have done much better than that.  Slug lines are another opportunity for me to convey an image.  I try to keep them simple but these were too simple.  I'll be sure to keep an eye on that in my future scripts.

Thanks for the read.

Jordan