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I really liked this story. The pace was brisk and the writing was top notch.
One thing that could be tweaked is the "beats" and the "cont'd's" in some of your passages. They aren't really necessary but i'm really just knit-picking.
I think that the flashback with the monk could have been a bit longer. Maybe a visual representation of God's curse on Moric like the blade glowing or something. Just a suggestion.
SPOILER ALERT
Also, if Moric's head is lowered and Nevin slits his throat, how would blood be spraying across Moric's back? Maybe I'm missing something.
This was well done. Good writing, good dialogue... the story was enjoyable too.
Some may disagree, but I didn't find the ending completely satisfying. It just... ends. I kind of was hoping for some last surprise or twist, but there wasn't one.
I like RegularJohn's suggestion to add a little more to the flashback.
Anyway, I don't have much to say about this. Good job finishing the OWC.
Be careful overusing names in dialogue. When people talk to each other...they very rarely do this.
Pg 2 whisper should be whispers...
So they are breaking off cat legs and eating them? Ack.
I like the end of this story...nice twist. Good writing in this story also. I still don't know why they were cutting up a dead cat at the beginning. That is just not right! LOL
While the story did nothing at all for me, I respect the writer's work. It was a breeze to read and it held my interest. That's an achievement. Many OWCs are a real chore to get through, this was not at all.
Morin did not really seem like a man stuck traveling the world for millennia looking for the forgiveness of an innocent man. For one thing, he has been granted immense super powers by God. Why? I mean I guess he is killing bad people, but I thought his mission was to find an innocent man to forgive him?
And he spends this time brutally torturing and killing. Yeah, I get that he is killing some bad kids, but this is completely at odds with the image of someone seeking forgiveness.
The ending is a reasonably good attempt at a twist.
Logline - starts off well but I don't think the last part about ending well adds. You could just leave it that he is forced to choose.
If this is in a real city, I assume NY (hadn't got to the fourth line at that stage!) why not have it in the slugline? Bit confused between park and street and pier? Not sure why morin mutilates rather than just kill, seems to conflict with his mission, sentence whatever it is Don't get the ending
Finished
Mixed bag for me. Boys down on their luck try and mug someone which back fires is fine. but I don't get the magic part and it doesn't seem to lead to anything. Then the man they just happen to mug is a dark lord etc seeking out what exactly, sinners. Surprised anybody is alive with that quest.
Then when the innocent kills himself I didn't understand why. Ok moric wants his curse to end, but Nevin has hardly done himself a favour. Almost cutting your nose off to spite your face. Why doesn't he just walk away, moric is then left with his curse - result - but nevin has survived
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Definitely not bad, but definitely not too good, either, sorry to say.
So many instances of a character sees this or that, or a character hears this or that. These kind of lines should be used very sparingly in a script, because any character will see and will hear whatever is aorund him.
The writing isn't great, but again, not terrible either. It's a little too simplistic while also being a little too detailed - I know that probably doesn't make much sense.
Not sure what Red Hook has to do with anything, but if it indeed is referring to the town of Red Hook, in NY, it needs to be made clear, which leads to a big problem - your Slugs - they're very poor and so generic and nonvisual.
Story-wise, there is definitely thought here, but the execution doesn't really make alot of sense.
A decent effort though and in the very weak class of entries, I'd actually say you're in the top 20%, so good job.
Some horror. Some gore. Interesting use of powers.
I liked the old man with the cane. Good character visual - tapping. I liked the whole freeze time thing in the rain. Another cool visual. Inventive to have protection area as a sort of time freeze dome. I liked the use of white magic. I haven't seen that in the enteries much. I like the protection from the blade and the relation to sin. Interesting. I was confused by the ending though. Why kill himself? Just to piss off baddie? I think I missed something. But good short with some cool momentsl
Didn't get the title reference, or the bit with the cat parts. The kids seem to think this will grant them invisibility, but I didn't see any evidence of that. Some good gore in here, sternums being ripped and stuff like that. I found it hard to believe that it took hundreds or thousands of years for the old man to find Nevin, though. This kid is a paragon of virtue?
The ending didn't make much sense to me. I had to reread it, because the wording of the sentence was murky -- "Nevin lifts the dagger to his throat and slits it open. Blood sprays across Moric’s back." At first I thought Nevin lifted the blade to Moric's throat and slit it open, but then the blood spraying across Moric's back wouldn't make sense. So Nevin killed himself? Why? How does that pay back Moric for what he did? Furthermore, a few sentences earlier it's clearly stated that the blade can't harm Nevin. "The blade will not cut you. It cannot. It will not harm the pure." So much for that. Anyway, some nice imagery derailed by a story that fell apart at the end.
Good story, solid plot. The action descriptions are well done and lend a lot of tension to the screenplay. The only criticism I have is that the dialogue of the three boys sounds the same. I couldn't tell them apart until Nevin tries to stop the attack on Moric. Other than that it was great.
Quite gruesome, but I'd have to say one of the better reads so far. Details were well written.
Spoiler - I think it might have been a better twist to have Moric trick our hero into injuring him, making him sin, so Moric could still prove no man is innocent. At least this is what I thought might be happening, so maybe it was a twist after all.
“Every piece of writing... starts from what I call a grit... a sight or sound, a sentence or happening that does not pass away... but quite inexplicably lodges in the mind.” ~ Rumer Godden
Fairly well-written, especially the visuals. A good sense of cinematography. The dialogue needs some work, and some characterization would be nice. The most complete character is Moric but it would be more effective if Nevin were fleshed out more.
The ending killed it for me. Good idea, but I couldn't get past the huge logic flaw of the knife. It can't harm him, so how did he kill himself? Be careful with your pronoun use too, your subject switches from Moric to Nevin and then you say "he" but it's not really clear that he cut is own throat, it could be interpreted as cutting Moric's throat. That confusion didn't help matters.
It has some potential. Good job completing the OWC.
You've got a great mix of ideas here, that's for sure. I don't necessarily think all of them work together but individually, there's potential. I also loved the imagery, the atmosphere, and the gore. Gruesome in a way that's not intended as fun splatter (nothing wrong with splatter BTW, just saying). There was a darkness to this one that's been severely lacking in the majority of other entries.
I breezed over the other comments and have to say my primary issues have been addressed. I think indeed it's strange that a man searching for innocence goes looking for it amongst the guilty. I understand there's a curse at work here but it's not suggested that Moric's curse is to search for innocence in this way. You could spell that out, of course, but even then it'd be iffy.
That said, I think you're close to something here and honestly I want to see this work. I love Moric's backstory, I love the idea of a man cursed to dispatch sinners in this way, and I love this dungeon full of crosses. Unfortunately, they don't seem to jive at this point. Find a way. Or change something. It's gotta be one or the other.
The ending also didn't sit well with me. I didn't buy that Nevin would do this. I don't think he has the balls or would even actually want to do this. And indeed it seems to work soley in service of making a desired plot point, Moric's salvation being cruelly swiped away, work. It doesn't feel natural or make much sense outside of that.
And indeed, the fact that Viktor and co. are practicing black magic seems strictly incidental. It doesn't go anywhere at all except to start things off on a gory note.
Simply put, I like the canvas and I like the paint. The painting itself isn't working so well if you catch my drift. Kudos on cultivating some genuine atmosphere and some genuine darkness though. If there's one thing to take away from this one, it's that.
No comments read before. Non-native speaker – take it or leave it.
Red hook
Hello.
Applause. One of my favorites so far.
What is a more modern place than Big Apple? Should be the first choice for us and you're the first writer who build this obviously connection from which I read . It must been located in the Battery, I think.
The little No's first: I thought about, if you couldn't let it go further in typical NYC location. I wanted it to. During the US budgetary-problem time Liberty Island was a lonely place I've heard. What a great scenario to go further with a real NY Horror script. I may didn't understand what they wanted from Moric, steeal him sth., or even why Moric, the evil pagan, was at this place. Or why no civilians, New York doesn't sleep? What's about the cat? Moric build this shield dome, then he acts more like a reaper.
That all weren't big deals to me, because you were telling with so much confidence and passion. That reflects also the ending. No games no double meaning. Moric's time has come. Best ending so far. It's as straight as the story goes. I love the ending. Was getting back to end to even read again, if you made some mega-cool-artificial dialogue in the last words to present something over the top, something what wouldn't fit to Netan. You did not. You did let him say the words, he has got to say.
Not sure what the dead cat angle lent to the story -- were Viktor and Marty supposed to be invisible? Also the flashback with the Monk felt unnecessary for what little it gave to Moric’s background.
The writing’s decent but the execution fell flat for me. The horror of Nevin’s situation was there, though in the end I wasn’t buying him taking his own life in order to spite Moric. Perhaps this needed to give the reader more connection to Moric -- make us feel a sense of reluctance in his actions rather than relish. Then when his hopes for release are dashed we’re left with a better sense of his despair.
My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:
Ew - breaking up a dead cat and putting it in their mouths - yuck.
The writing in this one was clean and crisp.
I was actually quite enjoying this until (I'm going over what others have said now - but) the ending. I too would have preferred Nevin to walk away and leave Moric to his eternal damnation - that would have felt more satisfying to the story.
Pretty good. Good pacing, and def achieved a level of horror. Not too much mention of witchcraft, but it was alluded to in the beginning, although I'm still not sure why they killed a cat. What were they hoping to achieve? Was killing Moric part of their plan?
Anyway, this was pretty solid. Who's throat was slashed at the end? Moric or the pure one. Reads a little confusing.
IMO pretty good writing, lean and fairly easy to get through.
The story works well, but it seems to me to have ended a little abruptly. I'm sure thats what the writer intended but for some reason I felt there was more to that ending than what we got. But thats just me.
Nice gruesome start with the cat. Well-written with a good flow. I loved the imagery, especially when time stood still. I also liked the bit with Nevin spinning and the succession of images.
Unfortunately the ending is very abrupt and not completely satisfying. There were some good ideas and visuals, but I was hoping to get more out of that end situation between Nevin and Moric. It felt like we just scratched the surface and then it’s over.
It was a really easy read though and one of the better written scripts in the challenge. Congrats!
45. Red Hook by Thirty-Four - Horror - When a brother has to choose between revenge or murder, neither choice is the right one. Brief - Four teen warlocks attempt to rob a man, unaware he is a powerful warlock
Location(s) - Pier, city street Cast - Protagonist(s) - VIKTOR HOCH, 17, sickly pale with unkempt scruff on his face MARTY YEOMAN, 17, stocky with vacant eyes and a chip on his shoulder NEVIN HOCH, 15, sad eyes, morose Antagonist(s) - MORIC KETLEN, 66, a trench coat and short brimmed bowler hat Genre & Marketability - Judeo-Christian demonizing witches = not what I'm looking for. Comments - Out at pg4 Script format - Good Final word - Criteria fail
Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range / Screenplay Pages = $ Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute
Adherence to Given Criteria: Modern Witches and/or Warlocks - Nope Horror - Meh
Thank you, everyone, for your reads and comments. It's the greatest gift you can give me and I truly appreciate it.
Without your comments I wouldn't grow as a writer. I'd be doomed to incessantly regurgitate literary offal, offending the ocular senses of all those who stray into my scripts. Well...maybe it wouldn't be that bad, but you get the idea.
I'm glad I didn't waste too much of your life with my little story.
Now to address some of your issues with my script:
I really liked this story. The pace was brisk and the writing was top notch.
One thing that could be tweaked is the "beats" and the "cont'd's" in some of your passages.
I think that the flashback with the monk could have been a bit longer.
SPOILER ALERT
Also, if Moric's head is lowered and Nevin slits his throat, how would blood be spraying across Moric's back? Maybe I'm missing something.
Thanks for the compliments, RegularJohn.
I use "beat" to signify a change in demeanor. In this case it shows Nevin going from calm to angry and Moric going from angry to calm.
I use "cont'd" because it makes it quicker for me to read through a script. If I see "cont'd" I don't have to read the characters name and I just keep using the same voice in my head to read the dialogue. It's mainly a personal preference, but I can see how it would bother some readers.
I submitted my script with about 10 minutes to spare. The flashback with the monk was a last minute change. It's in reference to the monk, Gerard Sagredo, who was martyred in 1046 in Hungary. I learned of him during the last hour before the scripts were due. It was too good of a story to pass on, so I added it. Unfortunately in doing so, I lowered the quality of my script.
In the end, Nevin slits his own throat, and it's Nevin's blood that sprays across Moric's back. This is one of the errors I made due to the last minute changes in the script.
Quoted from crookedowl
This was well done. Good writing, good dialogue... the story was enjoyable too.
Be careful overusing names in dialogue. When people talk to each other...they very rarely do this.
Pg 2 whisper should be whispers...
So they are breaking off cat legs and eating them? Ack.
I like the end of this story...nice twist. Good writing in this story also. I still don't know why they were cutting up a dead cat at the beginning. That is just not right! LOL
Dena,
I know what you're saying about people using names when they talk to each other. I tried to keep it natural and still introduce the characters by name, on screen. I'll try to blend it in a little better in the future.
Good catch on "whisper". I initially wrote that passage in a passive voice but then changed it to be more active. Unfortunately I missed the "s".
The Black Cat Bone is supposed to provide a few positive effects, one of them being invisibility. You can coat it in Van Van oil so it can be part of a Mojo Bag, or...you can put it in your mouth. Delicious, I know.
Maybe need a super saying NYC or something? I've been to Red hook actually so the title grabbed my Interest.
...Perhaps the writer ran out of time to properly put together.
Stevie,
I thought that showing the Statue of Liberty would indicate that this took place around New York. I used Red Hook because that area has an abundance of cobblestone streets.
Many OWCs are a real chore to get through, this was not at all.
Morin did not really seem like a man stuck traveling the world for millennia looking for the forgiveness of an innocent man. For one thing, he has been granted immense super powers by God. Why? I mean I guess he is killing bad people, but I thought his mission was to find an innocent man to forgive him?
...The ending is a reasonably good attempt at a twist.
Kevin,
I'm glad this wasn't too difficult of a script to read. Sometimes that's all we can hope for.
Moric wasn't exactly searching for forgiveness. He was just cursed to walk the Earth. Initially I wrote him as being a warlock but as the story progressed, he became cursed to add a little more depth to him.
I'm glad you understood the ending. It was a little confusing the way I worded it.
Then when the innocent kills himself I didn't understand why.
Bill,
The story takes place in Red Hook, NY, and in Red Hook, there's a city park with a small pier on the Hudson River. The path from the street to the pier cuts through the park.
Nevin killing himself was a last minute change to the script. I tried to show that his brother was all he had in the world and that he was already hanging on by a thread. Unfortunately I wasn't able to convey all of this in the last hour before I submitted it.
Thanks for the read.
Quoted from Dreamscale
The writing isn't great, but again, not terrible either. It's a little too simplistic while also being a little too detailed - I know that probably doesn't make much sense.
Not sure what Red Hook has to do with anything, but if it indeed is referring to the town of Red Hook, in NY, it needs to be made clear, which leads to a big problem - your Slugs - they're very poor and so generic and nonvisual.
A decent effort though and in the very weak class of entries, I'd actually say you're in the top 20%, so good job.
Jeff,
I'm glad that you may or may not like the way I wrote this. I understand what you mean, and I don't understand what you mean. You know what I mean?
I used Red Hook because they have cobblestone streets and the park and river seemed like a good place to set this.
Once I read your comment on my slug lines I cringed at how bland they were. I should have done much better than that. Slug lines are another opportunity for me to convey an image. I try to keep them simple but these were too simple. I'll be sure to keep an eye on that in my future scripts.