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The Clearing by H.R. Pufnstuf - Horror - A woman inherits some land from a great grandmother she never knew and finds some things out about herself. (PG ) - pdf, format
Well, this is my first read of this OWC, and I wish I could be more positive, but I can't.
Obviously, the writer didn't finish. To make matters worse, this thing runs over 10 pages, but the part that does appears to be early notes and ramblings, which the writer forgot to delete.
Slugs are a mess and often repeated back to back.
Lots of telling going on, as well as unfilmables.
Lots of seeing, hearing, looking, etc. You really want to try and avoid these for the most part (if you're unclear what I mean, PM me and I'll go into more detail).
There is alot of overwriting going on here. Alot of detail given that's not necessary, which caused this to run way too long, as in things obviously completely fell apart half way onto Page 9, but there's no way this would come in under 10 pages, even if there was another couple hours to write, which leads me to my final comment...
The story itself doesn't work and never could work for a 10 pager. It's also completely unrealistic and unbelievable. To think Josh would draw arcitectual plans for their new house on the spot and outside is ludicrous.
Kudos for trying to get a script together for this OWC, but you obviously didn't make it.
My words are meant o help, not hurt, so I hope you understand and take my comments the right way.
I hope Don doesn't mind that I'm calling myself out as the writer here. I asked him to put this in the "pisser" section not realizing he wasn't going to have one this time. I don't want to take reads away from the peeps who were able to finish theirs.
I had an idea within the first hour of this challenge but didn't have any time to write. Then yesterday, when I finally sat down to write I quickly realized there was no way to do it in 10 pages. My pride got in the way and I submitted what I had, accidentally leaving my notes at the end. LOL. What a mess. So sorry.
Please don't waste your time reading. Good news for me is, I actually have an idea for a feature here. Outlined it this morning.
Overall, I started to like this a little. Wondered where it was going. While I have minor quibbles with the 'suddenly' and 'moments later' type of stuff (a page is usually equal to that of a minute for most) there was something that ticked me off. Here it is:
Quoted Text
BRIDGETTE Aww snap. It's like the writer didn't have time to finish. Man. Thanks a lot asshole. Procrastinator. Fade out I guess. Now I have to what...live in this pentacle or go out and have some hawk rip my head off. Whatever.
Yes. Thanks a lot. Did you know that if you DIDN'T have this and left it ambigous that it would have worked? Instead you decide to break the fourth wall. How sad. That's a cop-out and it makes the writer look amatuer. Yes, it's a OWC and some folks will miss a few things in hindsight. (including a spelling error or two) and these things can be a bit raw. But man....what a jip and a kick in the shins.
FOLLOW UP "marnieml" *(above comment) claims responsibility. Asks not to read it because it is no good. Read it before I read that note. But y'know something marnieml? Folks are going to give it a shot anyway. Good job getting in something for the OWC.
You got me there. Haha. I actually liked this until the end. It was building some nice suspense. Digging and finding the skull was good. Made me wonder. I liked the couple and the dialogue. There were some cliches like the matches and the flash camera, but that's horror for ya. Would have liked any other conclusion.
Another suspense oriented horror with some good moments.
Logline - it's fine, gives an idea about the journey. Not sure we need the find things out about herself, but it kind of works. Oh, and I'm crap at loglines so what do I know?
What's LL bean - it's probably just me who doesn't know that Did you need forest in the slug? Bit lost as to how they get on the new road, through the brush? Nice foreshadow with the pig, sacrifice etc
And then....it ends with his head being ripped off
Oh what to say, an unfinished story. I don't mind this by the way. The OWC is a hard challenge to get finished and I would rather than incomplete stories than no entry.
Until that point it was fine. A variation of the inherited old barn, instead a clearing. For a 10 pager it probably lingered too much on what was happening and all the spooky stuff and you backed yourself into a bit of a corner.
Actually bit surprised this got through as it goes after the page account - doesn't bother me.
What ending would have written?
Well I would have the couple not so happy and dreamy, a little tension. May be she's not great with men, an academic , loves her work, everything is about nature. At the end we discover by having a man there she risks her life, they are surrounded, if she sacrifices him, pushes him out the pentacle, he dies but she survives. What does she do?
No grade.
All the best.
Edit - well you can tell I don't read other comments first, just seem Marni's comment
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
I've been reading the screenplays before the other responses so I missed where the writer suggested people not read it. I thought it was a good idea with lots of potential, sorry you didn't finish it. The main issues are with lines that kill the suspense such as the flashlight not working and just as the dread builds "She hits it like ten more times then gives up." Also unfilmmables such as "she left the matches in the truck". However, you do have a knack with building suspense so good job with that.
I hope Don doesn't mind that I'm calling myself out as the writer here. I asked him to put this in the "pisser" section not realizing he wasn't going to have one this time. I don't want to take reads away from the peeps who were able to finish theirs.
Ho hum. Guess I should've had a look through the comments before I read it as theyr'e kinda moot now.
Read your comments after the fact and that is really too bad. I was thinking that this was one of the better entries I've read so far. You had tension, gore, mystery, suspense, etc. I'm serious too. I really liked it. And the other commenter is right: it probably would have worked if you just left it without Bridgette's last line of "dialogue. ". Oh well.
I liked the idea here of someone inheriting land that is either cursed or has some devil or witchy stuff going on on it. The script read a little slow and had typos and such, but I still think it has great potential...Then I reached the end and I actually got mad.
Very decent until the end. I'm disappointed an incomplete script was entered.
Looking now at some of the other comments. Marnie!!!!!! WTH????? I'm gonna put a spell on you! From now on, whenever you go to a live concert, you will automatically be bent like a pretzel, like your avatar!!!
Sorry - I goofed too - I'm sort of in the habit of reading the script before I check the comments so I don't get influenced. Slight WTF moment at her last lines, but they kinda made me laugh too. I liked it overall - it was slow paced, but I felt I got to know the characters a little more than in some scripts. It was going somewhere, but obviously needed a little more than ten pages to do it justice. Hope the longer piece works out.
Nooooooooooo! Marnieml - not happy!!! As I was getting through this I was thinking that out of all the contenders - this was it - this was going to be my vote. I loved where this was going, felt the eeriness and I was quite enjoying the read. I was connecting with the characters too. I really want to know what happened with Bridgette and why - this is a must read for when/if you finish this off.