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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2013 One Week Challenge  ›  The Clearing - OWC
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PrussianMosby
Posted: October 28th, 2013, 3:38pm Report to Moderator
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Non-native speaker – take it or leave it.


The clearing

Hello!

Time to laugh-AAAEEEHahaha.

You get it across in a likeable way. Chapeau.

Yes it was good, very sensitive, setting, shots, images.
I liked your decision to take only 2+witch main characters. Actually it's the right decision. A fresh married pair is also thankful to characterize.

Story wise. You did easy things in the right way. That's mature storytelling.

Of course there are also problems with the both lovers. They actually would be more honest about each other. Starting with the skull-thing. Don't wake up the partner after all that happens in the night. Seeing the witch etc etc. It was clear with the end what the problem here is.

Damn, this flashlight image, this tension was coming here to me- This shot was brilliant.

You have also the witch who is not much in picture. This hide and seek game. Parallels to blair witch.

Enjoyed much. It is filmable.  Heavy that you had no ending, you seem to write from the start. Applause for pushing so far in quality within this obviously deadline-problem.



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James McClung
Posted: October 28th, 2013, 5:56pm Report to Moderator
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So...

I didn't read any of the comments here. I was totally on board up until the ending where you pulled the rug out from under me... and I was pissed. Very pissed. I wouldn't say I'm pissed now but certainly annoyed.

If I had written this, I wouldn't have submitted it. Honestly, I wish you hadn't. It's a cheat as is. I think you could've easily continued working on it and submitted it after the challenge at whatever length it came out.

Since then, I have read the comments and see you've addressed this whole thing. I appreciate that, understand, and sort of feel bad about how pissed I was.

Nevertheless, if you hadn't written the dialogue at the end and just ended with the hawk ripping off the dude's head, I don't think it would've worked either. This is flat out incomplete and you'd do well to finish it up proper. I think there's definitely a story here.


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RayW
Posted: October 29th, 2013, 4:37pm Report to Moderator
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Weighted Matrix: https://docs.google.com/spread.....TTUE&usp=sharing

Producer's Notes: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NNGaVlrrpkjIfp-BRGjpTE03W1e5lZuRceJ3wQECYaI/edit?usp=sharing

46. The Clearing by H.R. Pufnstuf - Horror - A woman inherits some land from a great grandmother she never knew and finds some things out about herself.
Brief -

Location(s)  - Truck interior, rural/wilderness road, forest clearing, swimable pond/lake, shed/outhouse
Cast -
Protagonist(s)  -  
BRIDGETTE PETERSON, 30, pretty nerd
JOSH PETERSON, 35, L.L. Bean rugged
Antagonist(s)  -
OLD WOMAN, ??, scary, harsh features wearing all black
YOUNG GIRL
Genre & Marketability - Supernatural Horror Suspense, light. This is not a solid self contained story. It is a story segment, possibly an opening sequence or a scene from a greater story.
Comments  -  Don't underline the title on the tile page. I'd ditch that U-Haul to save an expense. Same for the dead pig. A large dead dog would be cheaper to fabricate. Having acted as general contractor for two homes, that's an interesting approach to marking out where the foundation pours are going to be. Ahem. Whatever. I'd rewrite that whole process differently. Adjacent swimable pond/lake is a limiting production factor. FWIW, although I don't care, a lot of readers despise -ly and -ing verbs, which forces you to do a cake walk around them. Beats me. I would probably have you rewrite out that swim scene as it just complicates the brevity in production. What would cost less: time-cost in scouting for a weathered outhouse - or - build it ourselves? Hmm... Delete the outhouse scene, replace with something else. Sorry about that ending. Um... This could be something, but it's probably nothing, so... not interested. A few props and SFX aside (that ripped-off head thing actually isn't that hard to do, the hawk thing is) this could be a fairly cost effective found-objects premise. But would require a page one rewrite to do so.
Script format - Needs work. Delete those last *NOTES* pages before submitting a PDF.
Final word - Nothing much salvageable.

$200 - 1,000           Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/ 10               Screenplay Pages
= $20 - 100          Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Modern Witches and/or Warlocks -
Horror - Trying to be




Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
RayW  -  October 29th, 2013, 5:19pm
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