You Can't Hurry Love by Phil Collins - Short, Comedy - Good things don't always come to those who wait - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

A certain writer was mentioning sloths throughout the discussion board hmmm
They wouldn't have

Just like the Sloth the opening reads very slowly... sorry

Mrs Sloth makes the journey downwards towards Mr Sloth. It's gonna take a while...

HE SIMPLY CANNOT BE FUCKED.  

Where a MUSCULAR SLOTH FOR HIRE -
Is vigorously PUMPING Mrs Sloth from behind.
He sports a little mohawk punk, and packs such a bang the whole tree shakes.

Wow did not see that coming

Well this turned out enjoyable.
Mrs Sloth looking for some action gets nothing from her partner.  

so did Mr Sloth hire the muscular sloth to take care of his wife... because he loves her??
That's sweet

Nice entry


She grabs a juicy looking nearby leave   LEAF

My first thought was wow, this is overwritten. I thought I was in for a rough ride.

And then you took me on a journey. An unexpected, wild journey.

I didn't know I wanted to see a sloth twerk, but this made me want to. It's hilarious. I laughed out loud.

I'm not quite sure about the resolution. It's the "seemingly like father and son" that throws me, because that can't be. It's enough to have the pat on the head, we get that Mr Sloth considers the infant to be his son. Although why have two baby sloths at all? If it's just one, it's clearly from Mr Mohawk and everyone is still happy. She's a mom and Mr Sloth can keep living his best life.

Well done for pulling off using a literal sloth.

Well that was certainly different... Didn't care for it at first - a bit dense - but I slowly got pulled in. So funny moments for sure made it well worth the read - a creative mind, yours

How's it hangin', Phil.

Long read, but worth it. Very creative and loved all the goofy visuals. Funny, too! This one is a blast.

Well done.

I agree this was a long read.  I couldn't get into it. Sorry, but I see others enjoyed it, so congrats on getting an entry in this go around.
Cindy

Well, I'm certainly not going to get into an argument about paternity.
Except to say, Muscular Sloth was clearly shooting blanks.

There  lower  abdomens join  and  their  wings  close... Mrs  Sloth  eyes  narrow. The  colourful  duo  proceed  to  mate  right  in  front  of  her. Glaring  right  at  this,  Mrs  Sloth  GROWLS. IF  THEY  WERE  IN  RANGE,  SHE  MIGHT  JUST  SWAT  THEM.

Very funny.  
Should be 'their lower abdomens' btw. A few typos throughout.

I'm being picky but I thought it might be a great visual if the butterfly wings close and then flap frantically.

Anyway... This does have lulls. I thought your story was about the monkey, a snake, and a spider at first, but realise you were going for lots of atmos and colour. Mission accomplished.

This amused me and made me smile. I thought it was terrific in parts (a little plot tightening in some other parts perhaps?)
Some things came across in the written word/reading it too, that might not otherwise - for example, showing Mrs Sloth move towards the butterflies but then deciding it's way too much effort. Twas very funny to read.

I could quibble about finding an audience for this. Definitely not G-rated, but then where's the fun in that.

Needs some editing, but...
This was rather delightful and inventive.

A fun story.  I think my favorite line was the description of the monkey on the branch, "accursed with a ludicrous handlebar mustache."  Had fun picturing that character.  

Nice job.

This reads like prose, and there are some interesting word choices, typos and the like that would benefit from a re-write/polish.

E.g.
She grabs a juicy looking nearby leave.

Could as easily be

She grabs a nearby leaf.

Anyway, story...

Decent, and funny in places, I'm seeing Sloths in a whole new light

Decent effort

I had to reread the ending because I missed that there are two baby sloths in the scene. Is the younger one his son? Did we miss the action? I don't know how to feel about this script. The conflict was there. Mrs. Sloth did her part to try and get a real relationship going on and she failed. To me she failed. I don't understand how the ending has offered any resolution to anything. The buildup was good, but the ending was underwhelming.

Hi Writer

First off, I can't get this song out of my head now, thanks for that.

As to the story, it was just too slow for me (pun intended) and didn't really end up anywhere that interested me.

Nice effort though

I love sloths. Have had the opportunity to watch them in the wild a couple of times.

Like the others, I first thought this was overwritten, but then I decided that the writer was just having a lot of fun writing this and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. I enjoyed all the little details, like grabbing a juicy leaf. Dave said to just refer to it as leaf, but IMO, it IS a juicy leaf to a sloth and that's what makes it fun.

Those little details put the spark in this script and made it a fun read. There were a couple of things I ended up having to look up and I think you are better off using other words, such as slivering and raptorial.

Other than that, thanks for the read.  

Well, I  think this is the most creative story I've read in this challenge so far.

This was an okay read, chuckled at a few bits.


Good work.

Well that was a really cute story with some R rated content, really enjoyed this one. it had heart and laughs and was a well told story. i think you nailed the challenge both with the love story and sin.

I did find a few typos, god damn should be goddamn. (Mrs. Sloth's has been watching them) is not punctuated properly. Mesmerized is spelled incorrectly. Maybe time played a factor, but there are many typos riddled throughout this one. But again those aren't that big of a deal and good job on entering, i really enjoyed this one.

All the best and good luck in the challenge.

-cheers

It was funny that the female sloth had some sexy moves. The macho sloth was a good idea, too.

I kept waiting for a speedy element to be added to this. Something needed to zip in and add a quick surprise.

Having said that, this is the best sloth script I've ever read.