Love & Illusion by Author's Name - Short, Drama - A man's abnormal relationship gets shattered when another woman enters the picture.  - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Nice little twist at the end kind of reminded me of a Black Mirror episode.

He didn't seem like he needed to do much to find  an actual girl so why the need for a doll?

Nicely written although I wish Malorie was a little more sinister in her actions.

Good job on entering

The formatting is a bit off - [probably due to the draft version of the software.

Nice little twist.

Try writing more in active voice - e.g., something like this:

Quoted Text Jason is over on his side holding a small strip of paper in one hand and his phone in the other.

Reads better as:

Jason, on his side,  holds a small strip of paper in
one hand and a phone in the other.

You give me the twist I was thinking about and hoping for - so thank you very much !
And my buddy, Irish eyes, is right: it kinda reminded one of the black mirror episode: "Be Right Back"

I like how beautifully you built the romance up with the montage and the little incident in the store.

I'm still figuring out if lust or wrath or both were the targeted sins, but anyway, lovely done.

Thank you eldave1 for this short but helpful advice. I often try to remind myself to keep it entertaining but compact.


All the best,

Pedro

The formatting is kinda a little off, not sure if it's a newish writer (if so well done for entering) or the trail version of Fade In...

Anyway thought the story was simple enough, and saw the twist coming from the start... which isn't a bad thing as it was the twist I wanted.

Not sure which sin we are supposed to be seeing here, I'm guessing lust but it sort of seemed secondary - even after the reveal.

Good effort.

Hello writer, just read the story and it was really good, liked the twist ending and it flowed really nicely, was easy to read and was concise.

I did have a bit of trouble pinpointing the theme in the love story. Maybe lust turned love? I thought maybe you could've had a more dramatic reveal about the truth of Malorie? maybe he gets into a pushing match (she did seem possessive) and accidentally pushes her out a window or something? Just to have a neighbour yell at him for almost hitting them with a falling doll?

those are just a couple of minor gripes, also Trelby I hear is a great opensource and free program for screenwriters with free updates. I personally have been using Final Draft and have been for years, but I do hear good things about Trelby.

Good job on entering with a solid story, really enjoyed reading this one, good luck in the competition.

-Cheers

I think this is an effective entry. There's a clear conflict between lust and love. The romance between Jason and Janelle seems sweet, but it is complicated by the fantasy that Jason has created. This is a solid story.

What would have happened if Janelle had met Malorie?

I have a couple of takes on some small details in your script, like one scene int the montage. The one about the foreplay not working out. I imagined that would be hard to convey on screen if you don't more visual details about it. But let's focus on bigger issues. They're not problem, but rather weaknesses that when fixed would make this script even better.

Milking the twist:
I mean for a sex doll illusion, you certainly didn't pull as much wool in front of our eyes I hoped you would. You need to hit harder. Try to make us sympathize with Malorie. Make us hate Jason for denying to know any other women way before the post-coital. Rub it in so when the reveal shows that Malorie deserves no sympathy and Jason deserves no hate, it will be fireworks in the readers brains. They will love you for it. When you have a brilliant twist always make sure to work hard on two things: First, buried as deep as you can. Second, make all the buildup toward it work for the benefit of the strongest emotional impact possible.

Best of luck.  

You met the challenge. Nothing to add that hasn't been said other than it was a quick read and entertaining.
Congrats,
Cindy

IMO, the twist kind of, but not completely saves this story. Why? Because, up until then, I kept thinking, another male fantasy written by a man. Why on earth would Janelle be interested in this chunky bald guy right off the bat. I think if you made Jason a little more sympathetic in the beginning instead of this "love machine", it might work better. Instead of just showing them have sex and talk about lube and stuff, maybe you can show him doing some nice things too, like cooking her breakfast or such. Make us think here's this chunky bald NICE guy being treated badly by this ungrateful Malorie. Like he's longing for love and not just sex. That way, it would feel more satisfying when he meets Janelle and that he's not just interested in her for sex, but a potential love interest.

Writing was fine and easy to read.  

I didn't see the twist coming, so well done for that surprise. To be honest, My limited brain got a little confused at first when the Malorie doll came into play, maybe the big reveal could've been more emphasised, bold or caps? Probably more my bag than yours.

Overall was a good effort and read. Don't wanna see the word lube written that many times ever again though lol.

Haha! Interesting meet-cute.
I'm pretty sure I'd steer clear of someone in the lube aisle - aisle btw, not isle, as in island. My instant thought would be the guy's taken, same as if buying condoms.

Jason and Malorie laying in bed
Should be lying in bed, FYI.

Would have loved the visual of Jason and Malorie on the park bench instead of Janelle. Perhaps in an end credits thing otherwise it would spoil the reveal.

You'll need a clever filmmaker for this. Lots of dialogue comes from Malorie so for your twist to be effective it needs an inventive director otherwise it'd be spoiled upfront. They managed it in Psycho with Mother.  

I'm not sure of the sin here.
Sins of the flesh covers Lust, so I suppose that, and Jason instead ends up choosing real love.

This was witty and enjoyable and would make for a nice short film.

Shameless plug: I wrote a different type of sex-doll tale here:.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-0721/m-1626803083/

P.S. There's a paragraph gap on page 1.
And I don't think you need this: THE LOVER AND THE GIRL written next to your Montage.

Very funny that Jason asks :
You're not following me, are you?  

One more suggestion which take or leave, but Love's an Illusion might be a more quirky title?

Nice job, I enjoyed it!

P.S. Praneel's suggestion up top with Malorie going out the window is a great suggestion for physical comedy.

Hi Writer

This was really good, well done.

The ending was a tad dragged out for my liking, once we get the reveal I would have liked the disposal to have had a bit more POP, if you get my meaning.

Nice work

I like what you did with this. I didn't see the twist until he said it was his first time. Nicely done.

Janelle fell into his lap, he didn't do anything to earn it. I get the feeling she's literally the first woman to come on to him. Of the two, I think Janelle is the stranger one.

That isn't the story though, she's just the catalyst to get him to toss out Malorie. Also questionable, those things are expensive, but given how deep he is in with the doll it's probably for the best. That was probably the best aspect of this, you showed how real he made the unreal for himself. He has issues, and he's trying to deal with them.

I'm assuming lust is the sin, and it's being replaced by love. A little rough around the edges but it's a decent entry.