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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    One Queue Twenty-Two  ›  Valentine's Day - OWC
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  Author    Valentine's Day - OWC  (currently 594 views)
Don
Posted: February 19th, 2022, 10:18am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Valentine's Day by A Horny Devil - Short, Drama - An affair leads to more when two people just can’t get enough. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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CindyLKeller
Posted: February 19th, 2022, 3:06pm Report to Moderator
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Wow. The writing here is top notch. Very nice.
You definitely met the challenge.
No suggestions at all
Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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irish eyes
Posted: February 19th, 2022, 5:47pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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When you open with "The bed squeaks as MARTIN (40s, muscular but overweight, short greying hair) thrusts hard between JENNA’s legs "

You've got my attention

This is one of the better entries for sure.

Fast paced with a nice twisted ending.  

I actually thought they would have been caught or their spouses where having sex together behind their own backs..

Great entry


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eldave1
Posted: February 19th, 2022, 5:53pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
He puts his arm over her and she turns into him, spooning. He takes her left hand in his. Their wedding rings don’t match.

Threw me a bit – do wedding rings typically match????

Not in love with the dialogue – it’s a bit stilted – no subtext.

I didn’t understand the geek thing (mid-point). Perhaps just over my head.

Nice twist at the end.

Thanks for posting this.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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LC
Posted: February 19th, 2022, 5:58pm Report to Moderator
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Nice!

I'm glad you didn't resort to the predictable with the spouses being horrible or abusive and thus deserving of their fate.

A few nitpicks:

JENNA
See how you like this then.
The placement of this line didn't quite pay off for me.
I was reading thinking: what...?

The dialogue about  'Jack'- I'm not convinced that added to your plot, other than him being a friend it has no payoff except to drive home the irony of Jack claiming ethical practice in business dealings. Clearly we get that Martin's client is Jenna, but I wondered if replacing it with a scene where Martin is forced to keep a commitment to Cynthia might add to the final motivation for what he ends up doing.

I wondered where this was going and thought at first Steve & Cynthia hooking up might be the twist.
You didn't disappoint. I didn't see the twist coming (should have) so great job.

I personally might change some of the wording, but explicit sex scenes are not easy to write and you did pretty good there.

Overall great job with Lust (and perceived love) and what extremes it drives some people to.

P.S. I think your Logline needs amping up.


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Lightfoot
Posted: February 20th, 2022, 1:05pm Report to Moderator
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Nice twist at the end. I wasn't expecting that.

Did seem a little too sudden for me for Martin to lose it, though.  Would've liked to see a bit more build-up.

Writing is solid. Very easy and enjoyable to read.

Good work.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: February 20th, 2022, 1:35pm Report to Moderator
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Well written for sure, very visual and well paced.

But the end didn't really fly for me, you'd positioned them as being in this relationship for quite some time, or at least it read like that to me, so the snapping of both of them just fel a little left field for me.

Will be a contender though.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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srusteve09
Posted: February 20th, 2022, 2:18pm Report to Moderator
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Nice job on this one.  Enjoyed the twist at the end.  Kind of had a "Strangers on a Train" vibe to it.
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realxwriter
Posted: February 20th, 2022, 4:56pm Report to Moderator
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This one gave me a strange feeling. It was like 10/10 in every element but it still left something to be desired which didn't make sense. If you nailed character, plot, dialogue and description, what else is left. It took me a bit but I figured it out. It was the tone. The tone was like  dark comedy but not really. Meaning, the comedy wasn't really there. Most of the scenes felt like simple drama. But the ending disturbed that. It's like I wasn't prepared for that ending to be portrayed in that way. Nor did I expect serious characters in a serious drama to react that way to murder. It's like you had two different tones. On for the first two acts, and one for the last. My brain couldn't match them. Hope this make sense to you and help with the rewrite.

Edit.
No scores please. Not yet.

Revision History (1 edits)
LC  -  February 20th, 2022, 5:09pm
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Grandma Bear
Posted: February 21st, 2022, 2:36pm Report to Moderator
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I liked it, except for one thing... I thought Jenna and Martin were pretty crappy having had this sex driven relationship going on for quite some time behind their spouses backs, so the twist in the end did not feel satisfying to me. Two bad people killing two people just so they can continue on didn't feel like a good ending to me. If you had more pages, I would have preferred to see something along the lines of the spouses ending up on top.

Other than that, well written and easy to follow.  


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ColinS
Posted: February 22nd, 2022, 7:05am Report to Moderator
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Serve the Public Trust

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There was defiantly good writing on display here.

But sadly the story didn't land for me. Whilst well described, Jenna and Martin just drilling each other on the first two occasions we meet them - didn't really pull on my heart strings.

Also the pair seemed seemingly normal, the quick descent in to life changing violence was a little implausible for me. They are now truly natural born killers!

I am being a tad harsh though, maybe because I have a toothache - This is good piece of work.

Your descriptive writing was excellent, so I can see why others liked it a lot.

  


"Some day I'll Be Saturday Night..."

Revision History (1 edits)
ColinS  -  February 22nd, 2022, 12:44pm
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: February 23rd, 2022, 10:08am Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer

Nother good one!

Great writing, characters and dialogue. The story was great, two horrible people finding love with each other, beautiful.

Nice work


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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Rob
Posted: February 23rd, 2022, 9:06pm Report to Moderator
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The payoff is great. I didn't see the body in the trunk coming, but I did expect that Jenna would be okay with her husband's death. The sex scenes did feel a little repetitious, but it is a small complaint. A cool script.
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PraneelNand
Posted: February 24th, 2022, 7:27pm Report to Moderator
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All you need to make a movie is a girl and a gun

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this was really well written, easy to follow and easy to digest. I think you met the challenge quite well, this story is almost a soft core porn the way you write out the visuals.

I didn't really care for the characters, they just seemed to be a couple of horrible people doing horrible things. But i guess that's what happens when deadly sins are mixed in with love.

Great entry non the less, really enjoyed the read, good luck and all the best.

-Cheers
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Zack
Posted: February 25th, 2022, 10:45am Report to Moderator
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Hello, Mr. Devil.

Now THIS is my kind of comedy! Excellent writing. No complaints.

I love this one. Lol. Nailed the love story and the theme. And I laughed a whole lot.

Great work. Maybe my favorite one.
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