LOVEnvy by Hans Bellmer - Short, Romance - In the 21st Century what we covet is only a UPS delivery away. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Cool story, Heath is a dick. Liked the twist ending. So Mike really is a pervert huh? The only person I feel bad for is Jennifer, she’s the real victim.

You told a solid story while adhering to the guidelines and congrats on that.  As a writer I think completing a script is the hardest part, so you’re already ahead of the game.

As for the writing itself, I think you’d benefit from a few rewrites. Maybe you’re new to scriptwriting? But that’s not a big deal, just read more screenplays and keep writing because I think you’re a talented story teller and the rest will naturally fall into place as you continue forward.

~Cheers

Well, you met the challenge.
The story was different. I would have liked to seen him punch his brother in the eye and steal her away (just how I am) but that would change your story.
Congrats on getting in an entry this go around.
Cindy

This seemed a little rushed.

So Mike basically wanted his brother's girlfriend and creepily purchased a doll and named her Jennifer.
But where is the love story?  

Obviously not between his brother and the girlfriend because he beats the shit out of her.

This was ok but didn't meet the parameters as far as a love story goes.

That was different - cool twist.

A page so or more of set-up I think would have helped with some of the character motivations.

Nice job.

Nice job on this one.  A bit creepy, in addition to being a romance.

Why do the rich guys always have to be jerks in movies? Assholes can be poor too.

Anyway, so Mike secretly loves Jennifer. Enough so that he has a doll named after her and pretends she's his girlfriend. That's all fine, but I would have liked to see him show that when he's with Heath and Jennifer. I think he should interact with her somehow, at least a little bit. I would suggest showing more of Mike, Jennifer and Heath's relationship and less of Jay and the UPS guy. That doesn't really add anything. The story is between those three. Or four, if you count Jennifer the doll as well. I liked it. Just needs some tweaking, IMO.  

Do we need to see the guy ordering the doll at the beginning? I guess to establish that a specific doll is being made, but the dialogue seems excessive. The same goes for the delivery of the doll.

What if the script begins with him unpacking the doll and holding it up against the picture of the woman it is modeled after? This would get the story rolling more quickly.

At first I thought that the doll came to life. I didn't realize it was pattered after someone.

Little conflicted on this one - I love it conceptually, you really nailed the deadly sin aspect and it was really creative in how that unfolded.

For me, it was mostly written well but with a little bit of over writing - specifically in the characters facial emotions. I think we need to keep them as short as we possible can, as can distract the reader a little.

Overall I liked it though. Had that kinda disturbing feel to it!

Dunno who I'd least like to become - a Mike or a Heath...   

Hi Writer

Well, you nailed the envy but there isn't a story here. No plot, conflict or resolution that I can make out.

It takes too long to get going, way to much of the mundane that's not really important. We don;t need to see him ordering it or it being delivered, its excess.

Nice idea though, now if you had the asshole brother find the doll to add the conflict, and Mike declare his love for Jennifer and her decision to give the story resolution, it would be better.

Good effort though

Haha! Took me a couple of reads to get it all in place, but I did!

Another sex-doll tale. I started it.   Well, Nancy Oliver can take credit actually.

You put a very different spin on this with Mike coveting his brother's wife and then adding the abuse factor.
That's original. I just think you could have (should still) take it further.

Opening with Jay at the top was confusing for me and made me think he was going to be an integral character.
Could that negotiating scene just be done on the phone perhaps?

The delivery driver taking the photo was funny. Made me chuckle.

The reveal on film would be a big moment. Lesser so actually just reading it.

Maybe Mike has tried to rescue the real Jennifer before?

I personally wanted a bit more with the ending. think Mike offering the real Jennifer a comforting wink or a reassuring glance in her direction might add something..

I think there's a lot of scope for developing the plot even more though.

Imagine if Mike was brave and offered Jennifer a safe haven from Heath (or she went running to him for a safe place and ended up face to face with her silicone enhanced likeness. That could be funny and sad and shocking and potentially tragic all at once, given Mike's being carrying a torch for her a long time.

I liked this a lot. I just wanted more!

It felt like the story had no punchline. Yes, Jennifer reveal was good. Knowing why Mike needed a copy of her at home was nice but that wasn't enough. I wish you've explored the concept farther. Because it's promising. Also, you didn't mention the age of the delivery guy.

Let me elaborate on the punchline thing a bit more. You aim for emotional impact in your story. Yes, we felt sorry for Mike and for Jennifer but that wasn't strong enough. To milk that, you need to focus on the relationship between the two. For example, we'll go back and forth between the scene with the doll and him at his brother's house. We see the abuse, then we see Mike correcting that with the doll. Some sort of relationship sandbag. A great ending would've been Jennifer running away with Mike and Heather finding the doll sitting in his kitchen with some funny note on it.

This is a beginning and maybe a middle. It's missing an ending. Technically, there is no ending, we get it all, but that's a tragic situation, not a story.

Envy is one thing, the whole covet thy neighbor's wife and all, but in this case it's almost victimless since he isn't going to really act on it. Jennifer is such a victim it screams for him to do something but he has his avatar, he's met his needs and he leaves her to her fate. There's no one to sympathize with here except Jennifer, and there's nobody coming to rescue her.

An utterly depressing half-story. It could be an utterly depressing complete story if you just put a cap on it. Even something as simple as an exchange of looks between Mike and Jennifer, something that shows her looking for anything from him, even just sympathy, and he can't bring himself to do even that much. It just needs one more nail in the coffin to make it effective.

Hey all, thanks for the reads and feedback... as always it is greatly appreciated!

I wrote this in 3 hours flat, so I'm pleased that no one thought it was truly awful... a mini win.