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Pride Before The Fail - OWC (currently 497 views) |
Don |
Posted: February 19th, 2022, 10:26am |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16381 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Pride Before The Fail by No F*&king Idea - Short, Crime - A writer is willing to sacrifice himself and others for notoriety. - pdf format
Writer interested in feedback on this work |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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Grandma Bear |
Posted: February 19th, 2022, 11:26am |
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Administrator
LocationThe Swamp... Posts7961 Posts Per Day 1.36 |
Well written and I guess the story works well too except for one thing. Where's the love story? Did you forget? Or did I miss something?
Nitpicks. You have Beasly "perched on a chair" twice in a short period of time. Therefore, it comes off as repetitive.
Some jumbled words on page 5.
Good job writer! Just wished you had included a love story. |
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Reply: 1 - 15 |
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eldave1 |
Posted: February 19th, 2022, 12:16pm |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.95 |
Ooops:
I am outing myself.
I wrote PRIDE BEFORE THE FAIL.
It clearly does not meet the parameters. My bad - in my haste yesterday all I saw was OPEN GENRE and SEVEN DEADLY SINS and I totally missed - A LOVE STORY.
Believe me, if I thought there was some contorted logic that could justify this as a love story, yours truly would exploit that. There isn't. Please don't vote on it - read it if you want. But consider it a DQ.
Look forward to seeing what you all come up with. |
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Reply: 2 - 15 |
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irish eyes |
Posted: February 19th, 2022, 6:48pm |
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January Project Group There`s too much blood in my alcohol
LocationUpstate New York Posts1865 Posts Per Day 0.37 |
Ahh Dave it's my last one so why not You started off calling him Beasley then changed it to Charles So in case we didn't notice you went with PRIDE. Mentioned quite a few times throughout It was well written as per usual and as a talented writer yourself, maybe a client you've wanted to string up. I thought you executed the love story with Charles and Ryan with great detail... so much love to drug, zip tie and tie a rope around his neck in some sort of sexual fantasy. I'm trying to help Dave. Still ended up a better entry than quite a few |
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Reply: 3 - 15 |
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eldave1 |
Posted: February 19th, 2022, 7:37pm |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.95 |
Ahh Dave it's my last one so why not You started off calling him Beasley then changed it to Charles So in case we didn't notice you went with PRIDE. Mentioned quite a few times throughout It was well written as per usual and as a talented writer yourself, maybe a client you've wanted to string up. I thought you executed the love story with Charles and Ryan with great detail... so much love to drug, zip tie and tie a rope around his neck in some sort of sexual fantasy. I'm trying to help Dave. Still ended up a better entry than quite a few |
Thanks - I can feel the love.... Wait??? Does that mean it qualifies?????????? |
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Reply: 4 - 15 |
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Lightfoot |
Posted: February 20th, 2022, 1:35pm |
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LocationLondon, Ontario Posts379 Posts Per Day 0.07 |
Not sure if it would count or not, but there was some type of love story here between Charles and his work. Loves it so much that he killed a man over it, then once his story wasn't getting the attention he thought it would he turned himself in. He sacrificed his freedom to try and get the book more attention.
Anyways, this was still a good read. |
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Reply: 5 - 15 |
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srusteve09 |
Posted: February 20th, 2022, 4:16pm |
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Posts19 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
Nice work. Charles is quite the character. I don't know anyone who would go THAT far for recognition. He's essentially committing suicide via the justice system.
My only issue was the continuity between calling Charles "Beasley" in the beginning, and "Charles" at the end.
Solid story.
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Reply: 6 - 15 |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: February 21st, 2022, 6:39pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
I won't state the obvious, kudos for immeadiately sticking your hand up Dave. Like the tale, feel his pain |
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Reply: 7 - 15 |
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eldave1 |
Posted: February 21st, 2022, 6:45pm |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.95 |
I won't state the obvious, kudos for immeadiately sticking your hand up Dave. Like the tale, feel his pain |
Thanks, Anthony. |
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Reply: 8 - 15 |
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ColinS |
Posted: February 22nd, 2022, 1:48pm |
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January Project Group Serve the Public Trust
LocationUK Posts232 Posts Per Day 0.23 |
Ok, despite the fact I remember seeing more romance in John Carpenter's 'The Thing' - This is actually still one of my favs of the challenge.
The writing is great throughout. Did struggle a little at the beginning with the Malcom X dialogue etc, but when the story get's in to it's sinister swing (excuse the pun), it's great, it's malign, right up my alley. Great stuff.
Everything was tied up at the end too. Impressed!
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| "Some day I'll Be Saturday Night..." |
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Reply: 9 - 15 |
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realxwriter |
Posted: February 25th, 2022, 7:45am |
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Posts180 Posts Per Day 0.04 |
This one had a shot at the title if you only didn't overlook the love story part. There was enough twists in it to keep the story fresh but the major problem is we didn't root for anyone. Even when the celeb was shitting on the writer, you didn't succeed in making us sympathize with him enough. The writer felt a bit cold and too self-centered. Also, the plan worked perfectly which is bad. Because giving him Xanax and tying him up should have been milked for some suspense. The victim could have woke up too early or something happened to the rope. That scene was devoid of any significant conflict. |
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Reply: 10 - 15 |
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Zack |
Posted: February 25th, 2022, 11:27am |
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January Project Group
LocationErlanger, KY Posts4487 Posts Per Day 0.69 |
This is awesome, Dave. Even though it doesn't quite fit the challenge, I'm still happy you submitted it. Gonna re-read this one a few times and take some notes. |
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Reply: 11 - 15 |
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eldave1 |
Posted: February 25th, 2022, 11:55am |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.95 |
This is awesome, Dave. Even though it doesn't quite fit the challenge, I'm still happy you submitted it. Gonna re-read this one a few times and take some notes. |
Thanks, mate |
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Reply: 12 - 15 |
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LC |
Posted: February 25th, 2022, 5:39pm |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7581 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Effortless and engrossing read and full of dry humour. Nitpicks for rewrite purposes: Charles Beasly, perched on a chair near an antique desk. A laptop computer in front of him.Charles does one too many 'perched on a chair' that get credit for my work.that I get... you shouldn’t have cashed the fucking check now. check, now should you? Or leave out the 'now' maybe? RYAN Whatever. Make yourself useful and grab me a beer on your way back. Convenient. But then Charles could have just brought him one on the way back anyway, so no biggie. as the noose pressed into his neck.presses We could go with suicide or autoerotic asphyxiation. Personally, I favor the latter. Suicide’s been done to death, no pun intended. And it’s not nearly as interesting as sexual deviation. Your thoughts? Love this paragraph of dialogue. So droll. I picture someone like Anything Hopkins playing Charles. And this one: Charles observes with all the passion of a man watching a documentary. Loved it. Does everyone have zip ties in their garage? (at Charles) (to Charles) ? Smooth ending but I might have liked Charles to have the last word, but the image is great all the same. There's a little bit of us all in the characters we write.* Remind me not to get on the wrong side of you, Dave. * Disclaimer: Just hpefully not Zack's characters. |
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Reply: 13 - 15 |
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eldave1 |
Posted: February 25th, 2022, 7:46pm |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.95 |
Effortless and engrossing read and full of dry humour. Nitpicks for rewrite purposes: Charles Beasly, perched on a chair near an antique desk. A laptop computer in front of him.Charles does one too many 'perched on a chair' that get credit for my work.that I get... you shouldn’t have cashed the fucking check now. check, now should you? Or leave out the 'now' maybe? RYAN Whatever. Make yourself useful and grab me a beer on your way back. Convenient. But then Charles could have just brought him one on the way back anyway, so no biggie. as the noose pressed into his neck.presses We could go with suicide or autoerotic asphyxiation. Personally, I favor the latter. Suicide’s been done to death, no pun intended. And it’s not nearly as interesting as sexual deviation. Your thoughts? Love this paragraph of dialogue. So droll. I picture someone like Anything Hopkins playing Charles. And this one: Charles observes with all the passion of a man watching a documentary. Loved it. Does everyone have zip ties in their garage? (at Charles) (to Charles) ? Smooth ending but I might have liked Charles to have the last word, but the image is great all the same. There's a little bit of us all in the characters we write.* Remind me not to get on the wrong side of you, Dave. * Disclaimer: Just hpefully not Zack's characters. |
Thanks Libby - appreciated. |
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Reply: 14 - 15 |
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