Chocolate Love by The sToryTeLleR - Short, Comedy - The short comedy about a dentist and his desperate mission to save the teeth of a weird kiddo.  - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi, Writer.

I appreciate that this is light-hearted and goofy, but it, unfortunately, doesn't quite work for me.

The writing itself is pretty sloppy throughout. Some really odd decisions... Like, why did you wait to describe Dr. Phil (lol!) a full page after he's introduced?

The dialog didn't work for me, either. Very clunky and unnatural. Maybe English isn't your first language?

Please don't be discouraged by any of this. I do think you nailed the theme and "Love story", so there's that. Perhaps others will get more out of this one.

Good effort.

This script had its moments and had a few chuckles but could have done with a trimming.

It read very long and the ongoing gags of using movie lines for dream sequences kind of lost its chore at the end.

Did i see love story?  Phil and Amy I guess

Good job on getting an entry in though just wasn't for me.

Doesn't quite land story-wise for me....

It was a bit of rinse and repeat humor wise - once we do the first movie reference - the subsequent ones fade in impact.

Congrats on entering

I enjoyed the little exchange about Game of Thrones, and the kid wanting there to be dragons.  Nice work on this one.

Ahoy writer,

My opinion, you're not anywhere near full potential with this yet. I could leave it at that and walk away, but I have this thing about running headlong into brick walls. Some day, the brick wall will give in and pay attention.

Gotta admit, I didn't find any of this particularly amusing. And that leads me onto another point. The comedy setup and payoff could be better, the pacing doesn't change, you stay in the same low gear all the way. Um, try to make the humor more unique. Less gags, more style.

Not directed at this short per se; let's go with for future reference - a good hedge is to make comedy parody-independent, so even if people don't know the source material, they get the jokes anyway. Maybe I missed it -- but I'm "iffy" on the love story.

That said, it feels fresh, could be fresher. Personally I would have opted for an original comedy- instead of referencing movies. Not bad at all. Best of Irish luck!

I like that you didn't follow convention with this one. I thought it was clever that we had a Willy Wonka reference followed by allusions to other films. It all takes on a life of its own. Unconventional is the word that comes to mind.

I agree with the others that this one needs a trimming and a rewrite. The chunky descriptions were a bit much for me, but it could be a cute slice of life script.
Cindy

Strugged to follow this one I'm afraid and though the title tells us what the love is with, I still didn;t really buy it.

Well done for getting one in.

Last read for me this OWC.

Kind of interesting take on the challenge with using the love for chocolate and the theme, I guess, gluttony?

I would've been more onboard with the story if Little Ronnie sounded more like a 12yo. Also, when you're twelve, your teeth are pretty new, so it was hard to believe Dr. Phil was replacing some of them on what seemed to be on a weekly basis. I have to admit that I have never seen Willy Wonka or GOT and anything else mentioned. Just something to keep in mind when writing something, make sure everyone gets it, even if it's about stuff most people know about. Now of course, the tricky thing is to do that without exposition, lol.

All in all, I think you can do something with this. Horror or comedy. Going to the dentist is ripe for that, IMO.  

hello writer, really liked the banter between Ronnie and Phil, they played off each other really well, a couple of lines got a good chuckle out of me. I also love chocolate and could relate to Ronnie's desire.

you definitely told a love story, but the theme kinda eluded me. I found it kind of hard to follow at points, maybe it was a lack of time on your end? but the script could use a couple of rewrites, most of the others have highlighted some shortcomings in your script so I'll leave it at that.

Otherwise this was a good entry and I got a couple of laughs, I think you're on your way to becoming a great comedy writer, you just need to write more and I'm sure you'll get there.

All the best and good luck.

-Cheers

Love of chocolate and gluttony. Got the challenge nailed down.

The story however can use some work. It's not bad by any means. I liked the idea and it had its moments, but I think a re-write and a bit more effort put into this and it could be a pretty decent story.



Good work.

I'm guessing English is not your first language so kudos to you if that's the case.

I won't go through everything but a few things stood out and hopefully my observations might help.

DENTIST'S OFFICE. (insert apostrophe)
LITTLE RONNIE might be better depicted as CHUBBY RONNIE, imho.

Typically it'd be in the dentist's chair, and the bearer of bad tidings but this is dialogue so anything goes.

Dr Phil.  

AMY, Late 20’, blond, an all around snack. Do you mean she's a good sort, or easy on the eye, or eye-candy?

where this came from should be: where that came from.
That line was funny btw.

From Top to bottom instead of bottom to top

A special relationship with chocolate instead of special relationship to chocolate.

he has no teeth, but rotten gum. Suggest: No teeth and a mouth full of rotten gums.

through this quaintful halls.
It should be these halls.
Use quaint to describe how it looks. Quaintful isn't a word.

Please expiate this guile. Now I fear my thoughts are clouded and I all mated.
Whew, that's a mouthful (sorry for the pun) and I have no idea what it means.

Peregrinated.
Not a word commonly used when travel or wander will suffice.

It was yesterday night on TV.
Suggestion: Hang on, that's Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. It was on TV last night.

AMY
I think you got really into him.
Suggestion: I think you made a big impression on him.

Dream sequences are typically formatted with Dream Sequence on a separate line, or at the end of your slug.

EXT. LOCATION - DAY (DREAM SEQUENCE)
And with:

Back to scene.
Or
End Sequence.

So this below:

INT. BUCKET’S HOUSE - GRANDPARENT’ ROOM - NIGHT, DREAM
- Would be:
INT. BUCKET HOUSE - GRANDMA'S ROOM – NIGHT (DREAM SEQUENCE)

Alternatively you can:
BEGIN DREAM SEQUENCE

INT. BUCKET HOUSE - GRANDMA'S ROOM – NIGHT

END DREAM SEQUENCE

Permanent molars come in about 12 years old so you went with that age I imagine because of that fact, but this kid reads younger to me.

I enjoyed the story even though it was a little bit all over the place plot-wise.
There was definitely humour coming across.

Perhaps if he was an overweight kid the gluttony might come into effect?

The love story, or at least the infatuation between Dr and Nurse needs ramping up, or perhaps that's incidental to the love of chocolate which leads to gluttony for Ronnie, and ultimately his punishment and downfall resulting in his teeth falling out. And to the parallel cautionary tale that Dr Phil relates.

Title suggestion: For the love of Chocolate.

There's an absurdity to the humour here that I liked a lot.

If Amy works for him, how come she didn't hear him tell the story before?

The narrative felt a bit disoriented. The story was unfocused. The dentist is trying to talk sense into the kid. If you only focused on that and made the central conflict, this could have been better. Giving the kid a chance to justify his addiction was a burden. It didn't add any value to the story. However, if the story was all about convincing him to quit chocolate through different strategies, you would have a more focused thus compelling story.

Hi Writer

Quoted Text Then, unlike the stroke he was hoping for, an idea hits him instead.

That made me lol

It's messily written and unorganised, but I actually quite liked it. I like the idea of the kid retelling stories involving chocolate like they are his, I wish that had continued. The relationship between the dentist and the assistant at the end was tacked on a bit.

He retells a story in the vein of King Midas and the golden touch but instead a greedy kid and chocolate. I would rather a story just about that to be honest (There is already a kids story about it, aptly named The Chocolate Touch)

As it is it kinda lacks focus but good effort all the same.