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Leave Me The Hell Alone - QC (currently 2405 views)
DustinBowcot
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 5:06am
Guest User
I liked this but felt the end was unnecessary and illogical. Why would he leave the jump rope if his intent was to watch some 'bouncing nurse boobies'? No need to tack the implied suicide ending on just so you have an ending that... ends.
Needs a point other than suicide... but some great characterisations and I enjoyed the writing.
Good job with Eddie. I think an actor would be able to capture his desperation for something joyful which masks the pain that I'm sure he shares with Jackie.
I guess jump rope + retirement home really led everyone down a similar path. I think that's the younger persons' reaction to growing old and being isolated.
A few parts were funny. It looked like it could have been a skit in Grumpy Old men or Grumpier Old Men (google it for those who don't recall these gems).
The negatives are also correct. Nothing happens. This was more a skit than a story. Too much telling, not enough showing.
I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good. I enjoy writing the same. Looking to team with anyone!
You've got a character talking about big bouncing bosoms and there's nary a visual around to go with it! The jokes are fine, for what it is. This just needs some cinematic interest. Get these people up and moving and get some of the nurses in there.
I don't know for sure what the final gag is suggesting.
I'm disappointed we didn't get to go to the nurse jump-rope show. Instead, we're stuck in the apartment listening to these guys, both sitting on a love seat, no less (what, no other chairs? No bed for the one guy who was asleep?). The dialogue is well done but doesn't have anywhere to go. The ambiguous ending doesn't help. Henry
I like the logline... glad to read something other than drama and horror.
OH another suicide is coming from this one.
Good writing throughout.
GREAT dialogue throughout.
I cared about these characters ...seems a lot like the Sunset script I read... think this one doesn't have quite the kick as Sunset but I enjoyed reading this one as well.
There were some charming moments but I simply hadn't a convincing journey here. Not bad, but too vague and imprecise in its expression and what it stands for. A great climax may better the script.
I liked this script. I liked Eddie. If I were a filmmaker, this would be my choice to film — because it can be done cheaply (I'm that way), and I think it has potential as a great buddy piece. you would need to lengthen and change that depressing ending. Reminded me a bit of a Matthau - Jack Lemmon piece. Wonderful character roles for a couple of mature actors.
CONS: Too much dialogue here and not enough action. Suggestion: Eddie comes to cheer up his buddy. He knows Jackie is in a bad place. So he comes to him with popcorn, prune juice and a video of Bounce Rope Wednesday. And a giant magnifying glass so they can watch together on a smart phone. Or, if not a video, let Eddie re-enact the scenarios with nurses and their bouncing bettys. That should get Jackie chuckling, as well as us. Or maybe the nurses come to Jackie's room to do an encore performance for the boys. Turn the dialogue into action and this one would be gold.