SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 5:59pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The Quickie Challenge  ›  Leave Me The Hell Alone - QC Moderators: MarkItZero
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 2 Guests

 Pages: « 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Leave Me The Hell Alone - QC  (currently 2405 views)
DustinBowcot
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 5:06am Report to Moderator
Guest User



I liked this but felt the end was unnecessary and illogical. Why would he leave the jump rope if his intent was to watch some 'bouncing nurse boobies'? No need to tack the implied suicide ending on just so you have an ending that... ends.

Needs a point other than suicide... but some great characterisations and I enjoyed the writing.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 15 - 23
ajr
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 6:21am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1482
Posts Per Day
0.28
Good job with Eddie. I think an actor would be able to capture his desperation for something joyful which masks the pain that I'm sure he shares with Jackie.

I guess jump rope + retirement home really led everyone down a similar path. I think that's the younger persons' reaction to growing old and being isolated.


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 16 - 23
Dreamscale
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 10:08am Report to Moderator
Guest User



Always start with the "bigger" thing first in a Slug.  In this case, should look like - "INT. RETIREMENT HOME - BEDROOM - DAY".

Writing very awkward right out of the gate.

Jack?  Who is Jack?

Dialogue does not seem realistic to me for two 80 something year olds.

Not sure if this is supposed to be funny or sad.  And then the ending hits like black comedy, in that the dude wants to hang himself?

Not for me, sorry to say.

**
Logged
e-mail Reply: 17 - 23
DanC
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 2:50pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Killing villains since 1980!

Location
Buffalo NY
Posts
1131
Posts Per Day
0.34
I thought this was pretty good.  

A few parts were funny.  It looked like it could have been a skit in Grumpy Old men or Grumpier Old Men (google it for those who don't recall these gems).

The negatives are also correct.  Nothing happens.  This was more a skit than a story.  Too much telling, not enough showing.  

Still, one of the better ones.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 18 - 23
Heretic
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 3:12pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada
Posts
2023
Posts Per Day
0.28
You've got a character talking about big bouncing bosoms and there's nary a visual around to go with it! The jokes are fine, for what it is. This just needs some cinematic interest. Get these people up and moving and get some of the nurses in there.

I don't know for sure what the final gag is suggesting.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 19 - 23
Stumpzian
Posted: August 23rd, 2017, 8:22am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
North Carolina
Posts
662
Posts Per Day
0.18
I'm disappointed we didn't get to go to the nurse jump-rope show.  Instead, we're stuck in the apartment listening to these guys, both sitting on a love seat, no less (what, no other chairs? No bed for the one guy who was asleep?). The dialogue is well done but doesn't have anywhere to go. The ambiguous ending doesn't help.
Henry



Logged
Private Message Reply: 20 - 23
Pale Yellow
Posted: August 23rd, 2017, 8:50pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
2083
Posts Per Day
1.40
I like the logline... glad to read something other than drama and horror.

OH another suicide is coming from this one.

Good writing throughout.

GREAT dialogue throughout.

I cared about these characters ...seems a lot like the Sunset script I read... think this one doesn't have quite the kick as Sunset but I enjoyed reading this one as well.

Great job.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 21 - 23
PrussianMosby
Posted: August 25th, 2017, 7:36am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Posts
1399
Posts Per Day
0.37
It's too unsure what it is imo.

There were some charming moments but I simply hadn't a convincing journey here. Not bad, but too vague and imprecise in its expression and what it stands for. A great climax may better the script.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 22 - 23
Abe from LA
Posted: August 27th, 2017, 9:36pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Downey, California
Posts
556
Posts Per Day
0.08
I liked this script. I liked Eddie.  If I were a filmmaker, this would be my choice to film — because it can be done cheaply (I'm that way), and I think it has potential as a great buddy piece.  you would need to lengthen and change that depressing ending.
Reminded me a bit of a Matthau - Jack Lemmon piece.
Wonderful character roles for a couple of mature actors.

CONS:  Too much dialogue here and not enough action.
Suggestion:  Eddie comes to cheer up his buddy. He knows Jackie is in a bad place. So he comes to him with popcorn, prune juice and a video of Bounce Rope Wednesday. And a giant magnifying glass so they can watch together on a smart phone.
Or, if not a video, let Eddie re-enact the scenarios with nurses and their bouncing bettys. That should get Jackie chuckling, as well as us.  Or maybe the nurses come to Jackie's room to do an encore performance for the boys.
Turn the dialogue into action and this one would be gold.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 23 - 23
 Pages: « 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    The Quickie Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006