It seemed unfocused to me.  The dialog was okay, but, far from great.

No one seemed different.  They were generic stock characters.  

Perhaps cut a character or 3 and make it simpler.

This didn't work for me.

Dan

Could've been a neat little script but the dialogue was so unrealistic for priests and altar boys - unless you meant to have the genre as comedy rather drama.

There's not enough here to get a handle on. It's written as if we're all in the know about this game; you can't assume everyone will understand the reference to "d and d." Frankly, I don't see a story here.

P.S. The name Altar Boy Bob made me laugh, which I'm sure was not the intent.

You had a good theme, comparing dungeons and dragons with life and the chances involved in our daily decisions and their consequences. Interesting shot at it.

The only problem was nothing felt like it matched up. The dialogue had no personality, the characters names all had the same short pop to them making it like there was no difference between them.

Would be a fine commercial for D and D, but it just seemed like this theme didn't belong in this story. Also, an altar boy straight out throwing child molestation in his pastors face over his opinion on D and D might be the most outlandish thing I've read in a while.

A script of nothingness. Seems pointless.

The opening of just throwing so many characters at a reader is a bit of a turn off.

I would consider him finding the dice at the beginning maybe where some kids had just left instead of saying everything in dialogue. Show us him suspect of a kid or a church member for gambling.

Ok I do like the concept a little of someone convincing the Fathers to try something they think is evil but I'm not sure this delivers.

First you have a problem.. the father finds dice...thinks someone in his church is gambling. That part is good. Sets up for conflict. But then you make it too easy. Why not have him judge the one he thinks is gambling and after he does ... we find out that it wasn't a church member at all but one of his other priests. With something this short you need a problem...an obstacle add some conflict... and then a twist ending... that seems to work best even though I did not manage to pull it over either.

Good story just needs some work... gotta good concept in there though. Gambling in a church. Irony.

Good job.

Doesn't work as written. The irony of the situation is missing.  If there was a parellel piece of reality that could be related to the game, I could buy into that.
A reviewer mentioned dumping one of the Characters. Amen. Cut Drew.

What I thought was okay was Alter Boy Bob laying down the rules of D&D. Taking control over something the priests know nothing about. And then the Fathers getting hooked on the game.

I thought Bob set up the whole thing. His dice, his rules.  Well, D&D rules. Still not enough. Smells like a comedy buries in this script. Hmm.