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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The Quickie Challenge  ›  Sunset View - QC Moderators: MarkItZero
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  Author    Sunset View - QC  (currently 1409 views)
Stumpzian
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 12:15pm Report to Moderator
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I give this one a thumbs up. You have to look at it without the context of the challenge. In other words, forget you know why the jump rope is there, etc. Martin's depression is portrayed in an understated but very real way. A guy like Todd -- so enthusiastic he's almost annoying -- only makes the depression worse. One solution would be to say, "Take the jump rope and shove it up your happy ass," but Martin does the only thing with it that makes sense to him. He hangs himself.

Henry



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Heretic
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 2:51pm Report to Moderator
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Makes me think of Updike's "Poorhouse Fair" off the bat.

There are no twists and turns here -- just a straight shot to the tragedy. Not a payoff, per se. I'd have liked to know a bit more about Todd, actually. He's the one that's got it figured out, so what's his secret?? I wonder if he's the protagonist, actually. He gives away the symbol of his vitality and joy, and someone else hangs themselves with it. There might be more to mine, there.

Well written, but not, ultimately, a full story.


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stevie
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 4:02pm Report to Moderator
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Sad little tale, made more poignant i guess by Todd's good health and 'healthy appetite' lol.

Not much to it but it was written well enough to evoke the feeling


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heyDaddyStudios
Posted: August 23rd, 2017, 6:56pm Report to Moderator
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Things like "sadness washes over him" and "years of wear" could be better described by giving an actual visual as to what those things are. Years of wear could be arthritis and sunken eyes, sadness washing over could be crying or him burying his face in his hands.

Uhm, not a big fan, its kind of played out. Happy old guy and sad old guy, sad old guy kills himself, the end.

I think mixing up the ending would do this script wonders.
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pale yellow
Posted: August 23rd, 2017, 8:01pm Report to Moderator
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This is starting off nice. Feels like a script. Good writing out of the gate. When you start a script like this, you automatically will probably like it better because you feel you are in confident hands.

The characters from the beginning are likable and totally opposite which makes for good natural conflict that will almost write itself. Good choice and good job with characters writer.

I love Todd. He makes me laugh. "almost launched a rocket right there" good stuff

Good visuals when Martin is nearing the end no pun intended... can see the fan spinning.. good visuals.

Good heart and feeling ... we can all relate to getting old.. losing those loved ones... at least if we have not someone we are close to has dealt with it... human stuff ...

Only one typo in the whole script. Martin limp body -- Martin's

This def is a pro writer or close to it. My favorite so far. Love a story with heart and life or death issues. Great job writer.


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Michael
Posted: August 23rd, 2017, 8:18pm Report to Moderator
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Hi to all, it's great to be here.

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Guess I'll hang myself when I get enough rope. So many hangings that every time I see a jump rope now I'm going to think about hanging myself. The story was ok, not much there.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: August 25th, 2017, 7:18am Report to Moderator
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No title page, I want to have that mood of reading a screenplay when opening the file.

First page reads fine albeit it's a quite one-sided conversation with a possibly too passive Martin here…

Give him at least more gestures and physical interactions toward his vital, lively buddy… more characterization

Yeah his "final" actions are not set-up well this way.

Their general contrast and different worldview/state of mind is very interesting, there's just too few Martin in this piece. Still, good effort.  Very good title choice re topic.



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khamanna
Posted: September 2nd, 2017, 6:47am Report to Moderator
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Hey Pia, I would have never guessed it was you. You said it's obvious - no way it is. That was a heartfelt story, i liked it very much.
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Angry Bear
Posted: September 2nd, 2017, 4:04pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks to everyone who read and commented.

This was the first idea that hit me, so I ran with it. Apparently it was a common theme among the retirement home scripts though. IMO, depression is something a lot of seniors struggle with. I wanted to show what a difference there can be in people as far as attitude goes. One person wants to live his life to the fullest for the time he has left while another sees no point in going on. I'm going to tweak it a little before it goes up on the home page. Thanks again!

Khamanna, I used to write a lot of drama. I don't much anymore because it's not my favorite genre by a long shot. I'm all about horror!!! Although, as you know, I'm working on a horror feature with clowns right now. I hate clowns, btw.  


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: September 2nd, 2017, 10:53pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from Stumpzian

I give this one a thumbs up. You have to look at it without the context of the challenge. In other words, forget you know why the jump rope is there, etc. Martin's depression is portrayed in an understated but very real way. A guy like Todd -- so enthusiastic he's almost annoying -- only makes the depression worse. One solution would be to say, "Take the jump rope and shove it up your happy ass,"

Henry


Henry's got it right!

I heard a conversation last spring, (feels like only two days ago), about how Joe Shmow didn't want to go and play "games" in you know, The F'in Games Room. I wanted to interject and say, "Leave Him The Hell Alone!" (For Christ's Sake) ...

Although I didn't know the guy or the people talking, I felt like I could easily be "that guy".
I don't want to sit around and play board games because it's part of some freakin' Senior's Scheduling. F OFF!

Ah well. At least I can remember my grandma. Never went to no old folks home. Died on her feet. Never got fat. Never drove no scooter in such a thing as Walmart.

As mentioned earlier, there were a few ones that hit the buttons and were memorable. This was one.

Good on you, Pia! And...

God Bless Grandma



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Angry Bear
Posted: September 3rd, 2017, 7:54am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Sandra, and good to see you around here again.  Been awhile.


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Dustin
Posted: September 3rd, 2017, 9:24am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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I didn't guess this was yours either. I'm actually really surprised because of the content. It got one of the top scores from me. Would have been Very Good or Excellent. I enjoyed the juxtaposition of the two characters. Not much tweaking needed for this one to work. Good luck, I hope it gets picked up.


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