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A More Perfect Union by The Widow Jones - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy - A guest at a country wedding has no intention of forever holding his peace. 3 pages - pdf, format
This is described as a sci-fi fantasy but the logline is not sci-fi, or fantasy and quite dull. Sorry to be blunt but the logline needs to sell the script and this sounds like a standard drama or romantic comedy.
As it was, it was nicely written and you had me intrigued, right until the end. The guy comes out of left-field. I presume this is the devil and he's taking them to hell because they are sinners right? Well, why these guys? Why does he not take all sinners in such an open and glorious fashion? You need to explain in some way why the devil has picked these, out of all the billions of people on the planet, to teach them a lesson. Maybe it's personal or something?
You had half a page left, you could have done a bit more but it's a start of something decent for sure.
-Mark
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A whole page for a standard wedding so far. Not impressed. I avoid the church part of weddings as a general rule... in fact, I avoid churches altogether. The hypocrisy is just too much for me.
Huh?
The devil of biblical fiction shows up at a wedding and burns everybody because they are sinners.
I'm undecided here. There was some good f.i. when somebody speaks up when the preacher asks that specific question, it's always quite suspenseful to me to get to know what happens… Then the crazy guy, Satan, demon, whatever he is, starting an unexpected argument has also lots of potential. But how it was executed, especially the last part then, was bland in my eyes. It has some potential if re-adjusted.
The demon interrupting a wedding is good, but he must have a point that provokes others within the church to entertain me in the picture. The boom, all is shred stuff, isn't working.
You started nice and I thought it's going to be a very good story. The pace was great, the main character, the dialog - all very good.
And then what happened? Run out of steam? You have half a page left, please let us know who he was and what he wanted. I understand that the minister and guests are sinners or maybe your guy believes so, but there's still needs to be more than that.
Or maybe he was waiting for all these people to gather in one place to blow them up. But still it needs to be more.
I agree with everyone else. The dice really had no role in the story.
The guy
SPOILERS knew what he was gonna do when he walked in. And I'm pretty sure that supernatural fires attract attention, so, perhaps you could have had a gas line leaking or something.
It might have been better to have some reason why Satan would show up. I know you had a 3 page limit, but, something would have been better than nothing.
I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good. I enjoy writing the same. Looking to team with anyone!
This one doesn't qualify. Rules say a pair of dice, not three dice! HA - Kidding.
Am I the only one that thinks the stranger is calling bullshit on the Minister and the ceremony? Doesn't he call the minister 'Wooly'? The three dice made a perfect 18 (666) which makes me think he ID'd the devil in Ministers clothing?
I just Googled Lassiter, I thought there might be some reference, but Urban Dictionary defines a Lassiter as a total skank or total whore. With that, I'm at a total loss here.
Even with all the confusion, I liked it, in a weird sort of way.
I was with you the whole way till the end. Everything was clicking perfectly, there's mystery, intrigue, then it just ends on a dice roll. You still had half a page left. Oh well, still enjoyed it.
I'm like everyone else, it's a nice day, I'm enjoying my lovely read, then all of sudden Satan or whomever pops up and causes my car to crash into a tree. I guess I shouldn't be reading and driving. Still, well written, but for God's sake fix that ending!
Best of luck, Gary
Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned